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Kabanata 25.2 - Safe and Secure

Author: shewhomakeshappyy
last update Last Updated: 2024-10-29 19:42:56

Tanghali na nang magising ako, hindi man lang ako ginising ni Isaiah! Nagtatampo yata, natawa agad ako bago maligo at magbihis dahil ang alam ko'y aalis kami ngayon. Hanggang sa makarating sa hapag, hindi pa rin maalis ang ngisi ko. Lalo na nung makita ko ang busangot na mukha ni Isaiah, nasa hapag na ito, may pagkain na sa plato ngunit hindi pa rin nagsisimulang kumain, hinihintay yata ako.

He is surveying me from head to toe habang palapit ako sakaniya. Nakabusangot pa rin ang mukha at parang hindi nagustuhan ang suot ko. Well, I'm wearing white flowery dress na hanggang baba ng tuhod ang haba.

"Good morning, baby!" masiglang bati ko bago umupo sa gilid nito.

"Morning..” malamig na tugon nito at nagsimula nang kumain.

Hindi ko naman mapigilan ang tawa tuwing mapapatingin ako sakaniya. Pagtapos ay sinabihan niya 'kong mag-impake dahil pupunta kami sa isang island at doon magpapalipas ng gabi. Tuwang tuwa ako nang malaman ko 'yon kaya naghanda agad ako.

Hindi ko na pinalitan ang damit ko, nagsuot na rin ako ng swimsuit sa loob para hindi na hassle mamaya. Naging ayos na rin naman ang timpla ni Isaiah habang nakasakay kami sa boat patungo sa island na sinasabi niya.

Akala ko maraming turista ngunit wala ni isa, napag alaman ko nalang na pag-aari nila ang island na ito at ngayon, kaming dalawa lang ang tao rito! Kinakabahan na agad ako sa mga posibleng mangyari, baka gantihan ako nitong si Isaiah!

We took pictures together, buti nalang at may dala kaming tripod. He took pictures of me, too. And I took pictures of him. Stolen nga lang ang iba dahil mas genuine siya kapag ganoon, hindi pilit yung ngiti niya. Alam mong masaya talaga siya. I should post his pictures, I should be proud of him.

Hapon na at katatapos lang namin maligo sa dagat, nagpahinga lang kami saglit. Nakaupo kami sa ilalim ng puno ng niyog habang nakatanaw sa dagat at papalubog na araw.

"What are you thinking?" marahang tanong niya.

Napaangat ako ng tingin sakaniya, kanina pa pala ako nakatulala dahil sa mga iniisip ko. I sighed and smiled at him.

"Us. I'm just happy that I met you.. and I'm sorry if I acted weird each day." I smiled sincerely.

Napatigil siya at ibinaba ang pagkain bago humarap sa’kin.

"You don't have to be sorry everytime you show your true self to me,” seryosong sabi niya habang tinititigan ako sa mga mata.

I can't help but to admire him even more. I may be perfect in the eyes of every people around me but my flaws are always showing up when I'm with Isaiah. I feel like I have to show him everything, all of my flaws, my imperfections, my true self that is hidden deep within me.

Namuhay akong takot magkamali dahil baka hindi ako matanggap ng mga importanteng tao sa buhay ko. I set standard for myself, I put boundaries and limitations. There's a lot of I should and I shouldn't just to please the people around me. Gusto kong tanggapin ako ng family ko sa father side. Hell, I even pursue the path I'm not passionate with! God knows how much I love art but I refuse to do that because I want them to finally accept me. No one pushes me to do it but I feel like I need to. Kailangan kong gawin para matanggap ako. Needs before wants, it really sucks!

I feel sorry everytime for being myself. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron sa’kin, bakit hindi nila ako gusto? I've question my whole existence because of that. But Isaiah is right, I shouldn't feel sorry for just being me. I shouldn't.

"I've always wanted to pursue filming but.. I'm scared. Baka hindi na 'ko tuluyang tanggapin ng family ko kapag ginawa ko 'yon. We are a family of doctors, just so you know.." I chuckled awkwardly.

Nakasandal si Isaiah sa isang puno ng niyog, nakataas ang dalawang binti habang ako ay nakapwesto sa gitna niya at nakasandal sa dibdib nito. Yakap niya 'ko mula sa likod, ang isang kamay niya ay pinaglalaruan ko. Parehas kaming nakatanaw sa papalubog na araw. Hinihintay na mapalitan ng dilim ang buong kalangitan.

Hindi siya nagsalita, he's just silently listening to everything I'm saying. That's all I want, someone who will listen to me. I just want to be heard.

"Whenever we had family reunions sa father side ko, they always treated me as an outcast. Like I do not belong to the family. I did everything para mapansin nila ako, pero si ate at bunso lang palagi ang magaling sakanila. I don't know their reasons, basta alam ko ayaw lang nila sa’kin. And then one day, I brought disgrace in our family. I became worse.."

Isaiah is silent while listening to me. Unti-unti nang lumulubog ang araw, kasabay no'n ang unti-unting pagtulo ng mga luha ko.

"I met Drew, my ex-boyfriend. Hindi ko naman alam na mortal enemies pala yung family namin when it comes to business field. Hindi ko rin naman alam na ginamit niya lang ako para madungisan yung pangalan ng pamilya ko. One night, he drugged me and he was about to took malicious pictures of me para ipahiya ako pati ang family ko. But then, my family and friends came together with the police.."

He muttered curses, mas humigpit rin ang yakap niya sa’kin habang nagkukwento ako. Medyo sumisikip na rin ang dibdib ko lalo na tuwing maaalala ang mga nangyari.

"That time I felt like I'm a loser, I'm fucked up. Our relatives are so mad at me, they even slapped me and say bad things. They wished me dead, I was thinking the same, too. The depression isn't helping, someone's whispering to me every time I'm alone. I should be dead, they say.."

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying. Humihikbi na 'ko at ramdan na ramdam ko ang pagpipigil ni Isaiah. I just want him to listen, that's all. Ipinatong niya ang baba niya sa balikat ko, he's kissing me softly while uttering words to cheer me up.

"And then one night, I drove all the way to tagaytay, drunk as hell. May nakasalubong akong truck no'n, then someone whispered to my ears again, wala na 'kong pake sa buhay ko that time, gusto ko nalang magpabangga sa truck na 'yon kaya binilisan ko yung takbo, sinalubong ko siya.. and then realisation hits me."

I breathe heavily, pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko ngunit ayaw nilang pagpapigil. Kumapit ako ng mahigpit sa kamay ni Isaiah. Natawa rin ako ng bahagya.

"Kung magpapakamatay rin lang naman ako, ayoko nang mandamay ng ibang tao. Inisip ko yung buhay nung driver ng truck, yung family niya. Sabi ko, kaya ko bang idamay 'to sa mga kagaguhan ko sa buhay? I shouldn't listen to the voices.. kaya niliko ko yung sasakyan. Pasalamat nalang ako na hindi ako nahulog sa bangin doon. God gave me another life.. I guess it's not luck. It's destined because I met you.. Simula noong nagising ako from that accident, ngayon lang ako naging ganito ka-thankful na binigyan ako ng chance para magpatuloy.. I did therapies after that, 'yun din yung reason kaya psychology ang kursong pinili ko. I want to help other people who's suffering from mental illness, I've been there and I can say that it's not easy.."

Ang sarap sa pakiramdam na nasabi mo na lahat ng gusto mong sabihin. Para akong nabunutan ng tinik, masakit pero nakakahinga na 'ko ng maluwag. Hindi na tulad nang dati na takot na takot ako, baka hindi ako pakinggan. Hindi ko alam kung anong tumatakbo sa utak ni Isaiah ngayon, thankful na 'ko kasi pinakinggan niya 'ko. Ever since that incident happened, wala pa 'kong napagsasabihan ng mga nararamdaman ko. Kahit kila Iris, hindi ko magawang sabihin sakanila. But then there's Isaiah, I feel like he have to know everything about me because I love him. I'm willing to give myself to him wholeheartedly. And in order for me to love him right, I should face my fears. Dapat ko nang bitawan yung mga baggages na matagal ko nang pasan. Dapat ko nang kalimutan.

"You are so brave. I'm proud of you.." he whispered.

Hearing those words coming from him sent shivers to me. Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang braso ko para maiharap ako sakaniya. He cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears away. Unti-unti nitong nilapit ang mukha niya sa’kin, parang nagkusa ang mga mata ko at pumikit, naghihintay sa kung anong susunod niyang gagawin. Slowly, he kissed my forehead and for the first time in my whole existence, I feel safe and secure.

He is my home.

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