Chapter 1: Card

Inayos ko ang tassel earrings sa tenga ko. I put on the last thing I haven't applied yet to put color on my pale face. Ang may kaputlaan kong labi ay nabigyan kahit papaano ng kulay pagkatapos kong lagyan ng pulang lipstick ang labi. I sprayed ounce of perfume on my neck, collar bone, wrist and at the back of my ears. Vanilla scent played inside the four-cornered room as I swayed gracefully in front of the mirror. Huling pasada, nang makuntento sa itsura ay lumabas ako ng kuwarto.

Ngayon magaganap ang pinakahihintay kong grant art exhibit. This was so special for me because this was a special event only for myself after all the hardworks and efforts I'd spent to prepare. Matagal ko nang pinangarap mangyari ang lahat ng ito, ngayon ay narito na.

Abala nang makarating sa venue ang mga tauhan. My assistant was instructing huge and tall guys where to put my art canvas. Lahat ay maingat na maingat sa ginagawa, natatakot na makasira ng mga ipininta ko. They were all sealed in a fragile frames. Ang iba ay nasa canvas pa at sa mga stand iyon nakalagay hindi gaya ng mga nasa babasagin na nasa itaas na. Some were bought by the museum and I donated the money I earned to any charities.

When I was still in the art school, I joined a contest. It's a competition within Europe and I won the largest prize. That was the starting point of my career as an artist. Afterwards, I started earning the trust of the people and my credibility as an artist had escalated greatly.

Paris' museums and art exhibits acknowledged me and my skills that I would be given invitations during events. Hindi palagi ngunit paunti-unti naman ang pagsibol ng career ko. It seemed long because a lot of things had happened but it was only within a year and months. I was called the fastest rising artist.

Simula nang namamayagpag ang pangalan ko ay hindi na iyon mawala-wala sa mga exhibits. I am notably acknowledged also by the young, old and noble artists. Hindi ko inakala na ang iilang sikat na artists na tinitingala ko noon ay makikilala ako bilang artist gaya nila. It warmed my heart whenever they acknowledge my works.

I came to question myself at the very moment. Sino nga ba ako? I was that girl who came from an accident, experienced a rollercoaster ride in life full of revelations and then it drag me to this. Kung iisipin ay parang masamang panaginip lamang ang mga iyon ngunit hindi ko iyon magawang isiksik sa isipan ko. Afterall, all those things happened in my life to make me a greater person. I am who I am today because of those nightmares.

Afterall, everything happens for a reason.

I have always wondered... If that weren't to happen, will I be in this position? Siguro hindi? Baka naging architect ako at hindi magiging masyadong masaya. Afterall, this being an architect wasn't what I wanted for myself. I just aimed on that circle to have a goal that was socially accepted by everyone. Artist don't have a free space in this world despite their crafty minds.

But I might be able to love it or probably, I will be able to get out of the box I cage myself in. If he were to know how I felt about it, he would do something.

I laughed at the thought. No matter what thoughts I will think of, he always have his ways inside my mind and heart. Kailanman, hindi siya nawala rito. Makalipas man ang halos tatlong taon, siya pa rin...

The exhibit started. Gaya ng inaasahan ay successful ang naging event. I am so grateful that since now and then, they have always appreciated my masterpiece. Mayroong iba na binibili ang mga paintings ko. Ang iba ay hindi ko ipinagbibili dahil mahalaga sa akin kaya nadidismaya ang iba pero nakakahanap naman ng iba pang nagustuhang bilhin kaya ipinaubaya ko na.

Good though. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko kapag nabigo ako sa event na ito. I spend a lot of time painting those to be the apple of the audiences' eyes. Ang ilan ay luma na at mga hindi ko talaga ipinagbibili kaya nai-display ko sa exhibit. Marami-rami rin ang bago rito kaya nasa mga tatlo o mahigit pang buwan ko iyong iniayos.

Magiging ano ako kung sakali mang nanatili ako roon? I'll be a fool of myself. I'll watch how they will shower each other love. I'll watch how they will grow fond of each other. I'll have to endure every kisses and sweet whispers they'll share. I'll have to endure the pain of having my heart broken until it will kill me slowly.

Kung masasaktan man ako, iyong malayo at hindi nila nalalaman at nakikita. I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me hurt because of them. Ayos lang na masaktan ako pero hindi ako papayag na makita nila iyon. I am miles far from them. The situation was year away from now but still I am hurting. The pain was still there like it only happened yesterday.

Why do we have to sacrifice for the need of other people? Hindi ba puwedeng ako naman? Hindi ba puwedeng ako naman ang maging masaya at mamaya na sila? O puwedeng sabay na lang kaming maging masaya? But how can we both be happy at the same time when we are battling for the same happiness? For the same person that makes us feel loved, alive and happy? Sino ang magsasakripisyo? S'yempre ako...

Selfish ba iyong ginawa ko? Nagsakripisyo naman ako ah? Nasaktan din naman ako sa desisyong ginawa ko. Selfish ba iyon kung tatawagin o pagiging selfless? Siguro depende kung kaninong sitwasyon ang inaapakan ko. It's a sacrifice for me but it will be selfishness for other people.

"You look so distressed, darling. Successful naman ang event mo, ah?"

Umiling ako at ngumiwi. Naupo ako sa isang upuan at hinubad sa nananakit na mga paa ang high heels. She pursed her lips while watching my every move. Ipinagdikit niya ang palad at nagpukol ng mapanlarong titig sa akin.

"Havannah...pagbabanta ko sa kaniya sa anumang lalabas ng bibig niya.

"What? I am just going to ask. Naaalala mo na naman ang ex-lover mo? Sa tuwing event mo na lang siyang binabalikan kaya imbis na maging masaya ka ay umuuwi kang malungkot."

Pagod akong bumuntong hininga at umiling na lang sa kawalang salita.

"I'm just tired."

"Okay..." umirap ito sa akin at kumagat sa mansanas na kinakain. She stared at me with disbelief, still shaking her head like she's disappointed of me or something.

Hindi ko na lamang siya pinansin. Pagkatapos mailagay sa lalagyan ang suot na heels ay nakapaa akong umakyat ng kuwarto. The coldness of the tiled-floor spread onto the flat of my feet as I sashayed quietly towards my room.

Gusto ko mang matulog ngunit nanlalagkit na ang katawan ko. Hindi naman ako masyadong pinagpapawisan sa event dahil nakatodo naman ang air-conditioner sa loob ng venue at hindi naman mainit sa Paris. It's already December where Paris usually rains or was snowing. Masarap naman talaga ang panahon at wala namang masyadong nakakapagod sa ginagawa. Only that I feel so tired and giddy for unknown reason that I wanna feel the coldness of the water on my body. Gusto kong lunurin ang sarili sa lamig.

Doing my night routine every after a successful celebration, I celebrated my successful event inside the bathroom, naked inside the bathtub. Only the bubbles and the rose petals covered my body aside from the water wrapping around me. Hawak sa kamay ang isang wine glass, I brought it on my lips. Nilagok ko ang wine na laman nito. The overlooking city lights in the country made my night look more magical.

Madalas hilig ng mga tao ang titigan ang Eiffel Tower dahil ito naman ang sikat na tourist spot dito. Lalo na sa mga galing sa Pilipinas. Hindi mawawala sa travel list nila ang Paris upang masilayan ang Eiffel Tower. Masuwerte ako at harap-harapan kong nakikita ang Eiffel Tower. Sa sobrang dalas ko itong makita ay nagsasawa na rin ako katitingin.

Dati nang nagpunta rito ay una kong iniisip ang makita itong Eiffel Tower. I loved Eiffel Tower too but the glimpse of the city lights in the night always gives shivers down to my spine. Gabi-gabi mang nasisilayan ay hindi ako nawalan ng kagustuhang titigan ang nagkikinangang ilaw sa gitna ng gabi.

It has reminded me of him in every unusual way. But instead of hating it, I loved it in any way. I missed him. I missed him despite the pain our love for each other had inflicted me. The night always reminds me of him. Mysterious and dark but it always made me feel at ease and at home. And the city lights had its own amazing ways of reminding me of his eyes. It glimmers with vigor and ruthlessness in a very inequitably manner that had always made me long for him.

Marahan ang pagpapatakbo ni Papa sa sasakyan namin. Sumasabay kaming tatlo nina Mama sa pagkanta habang nakikinig ng musika sa stereo. Nilingon ako ni Mama sa likuran upang ibigay ang pinapabukas ko sa kaniyang plastic ng biscuit.

"Oh, anak. Huwag magkalat sa sasakyan, ha?" sabi niya sa akin na para bang pinapaalam na maging maingat sa sasakyan dahil hindi namin ito pag-aari. I was a child back then, I couldn't understand it even the poverty we had experience. Hindi rin naman nila sa akin iyon pinaramdam, as much as possible, they provide for me.

She wiped my face with the towel she had with her before facing the road.

Paalis kami ngayon nina Mama at Papa sa ibang lugar sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. Aalis kami dahil daw mapanganib sa amin ang syudad, may mga masasamang taong gusto kaming saktan. Hindi ko naman alam kung anong panganib iyon at ang bata kong isip ay hindi na naging kuryuso pa dahil alam kong hindi ko rin naman mauunawaan.

Now that we were going to stay away from this place, I thought that maybe there will be no danger anymore. Masaya ako at sabik sa pag-alis. I only cared about what I feel. I was a kid back then and blinded by ignorance, not seeing the emotions my parents was probably feeling that time. Hindi ko alam na totoo pa lang may panganib at sa plano nilang paglayo ay hindi na iyon nangyari pa.

That was the last time I ever saw my parents. Dahil sa kasunod na pagmulat ko ng mga mata, ibang mga tao na ang mga nadatnan ko.

Sina mama Camille at papa Randy... Ilang ulit kong tinatanong sa sarili kung bakit humantong sa ganoon ang mga nangyari. They could be one of the proudest people in my life and I would be grateful seeing their proud smiles for me.

Bumagsak ang hawak ko na wine glass. The long screeching sound from the glass brought me back to reality. Ang laman na pulang likido noon ay kumalat sa sahig na parang dugo. I panicked after having a sight of it. It reminds me of the very nightmare I was trying to forget but can't. Wala mang saplot ay tumayo ako mula sa bathtub at naghanap ng panligpit ng mga basag na kristal.

Naipikit ko ang mga mata at sa nanginginig na mga kamay ay nasapo ang noo. I leaned on the cold wall. Ang lamig noon ay nanunuot sa hubad kong katawan. I hugged myself, imagining it was his arms hugging me and caressing me in any way that could console my panicking and lonely insides.

Halos tinanghali ako nang makarating sa set ko. Naglilinis na ang mga tauhan ko noong mga gamit ko at ang mga art canvas ko na bago at walang laman ay nagkalat na sa sahig. Iyong mga paintings ko naman ay may pinaglalagyan akong isang kwarto para doon na ang lahat.

I entered the room and checked if everything was properly arranged. Sinigurado kong hindi magkahiwa-hiwalay at maayos ang pagkakalagay. Nag-utos pa ako ng mga tauhan ko para ayusin ang pagkakaligpit dahil baka may masira o mabasag na naka-frames.

My assistant approached me, as usual with a planner and paper holder in her arm. Ibinigay niya sa akin ang isang envelope na kulay golden brown bago itulak sa kaniyang mata ang nahuhulog na salamin.

"It is an offer from the Philippines, Miss Saltina." Namilog ang bibig ko at naging interesado sa sasabihin nito. This is my first time being invited in the Philippines. "They are inviting you for an arts exhibit and hoping you would send one or more of your art pieces."

"When will the exhibit happen? Venue?" tanong ko, hindi na nag-abalang magbukas ng envelope. Isinilid ko lang iyon sa hawak kong puting purse.

"That will be next week, Mademoiselle. Days before Christmas. The exhibit will be held at The Manila Hotel. Event will start at 8PM."

"Bien. Send them an email that I am accepting the invite. I will be sending two on the canvas. Envoyez-le dès que possible."

"Okay, Mademoiselle..."

Tumango ako at iwinasiwas na ang kamay, completely dismissing my assistant. She bowed her head at me for courtesy before walking out.

I sent two of my abstract paintings in the Philippines. Sa makalawa ay ako naman ang lumuwas. This will be my first time visiting Philippines once again. If this will just be a visit for necessity.

I wore a white satin tube paired with plain maroon squarepants. The pearls on my neck perfectly fitted on my long neck and it defined my shoulder blades more perfectly. Nakapulupot sa itaas ng ulo ko ang buhok kaya kitang-kita kung paano nito nadedepina ang bandang balikat at dibdib ko.

Pinaulanan ako ng puri nang magawi sa mga gawa ko. I never thought they would recognize me here in the Philippines. I thought I am only known in Paris and some part in Europe but I never thought people who were into arts knows me here in my hometown.

"Are you staying here for good? Alam kong naging mabuti na ang ganap mo roon sa France pero hindi mo ba nami-miss ang Pilipinas?"

"I'll think of that, Madame. Siguro ay magiging madalas ang pagbisita ko rito kapag bumalik nga ako sa Pilipinas."

"How about your parents? Hindi ba ay narito sila? Won't you stay with them?"

Umiling ako. Hindi kailanman iyon pumasok sa isipan ko.

"In case I'll stay here longer, I will just stay in a hotel or stay in one of my friends' house. Bumibisita rin naman po sila madalas sa ibang bansa ngunit salitan."

Tumango siya, naiintindihan ang pinupunto ko.

Mom and Dad sometimes visited me there. Noong umalis ako ay hindi ko tinapos ang kurso at pumasok sa arts school doon sa Paris. Pinapadalhan lang nila ako ng pera at binibisita ako ng salitan. Pero madalas, si Daddy ang bumibisita sa akin at si Kuya.

"Very well, hija... Let's take a picture together? I am so pleased to meet you in person. I am only seeing your arts in videos, magazines and pictures but seeing it in flesh in front of me..." umiling siya, kumislap ang kakaibang tuwa sa mata. "I am buying this painting, hija. Reserve this for me, okay?"

Kinuhanan kami ng picture ng photographer saglit. Ilang shots pa bago nagpaalam si Madame para i-process ang bayad niya sa biniling painting ko.

"I am buying this."

"This is already sold, Sir..." nabitin sa ere ang boses ko.

Halos manginig ako sa kinatatayuan habang pinagmamasdan ang taong kaharap. Wearing a black suit and having his black hair perfectly arranged on his crown and forehead, he looks dashing. Napalunok ako at kinalma ang sarili nang mag-angat ng tingin si Ford.

"By whom?"

"Madame Matilda," sagot ko, tinatatagan ang boses.

"You do not have anything else to offer? You only have two of your artworks and they are all sold."

"Puwede kang sa iba na lang bumili. Marami ang display nila at magaganda-"

"But I like yours..." putol niya sa akin. Dumiin ang titig niya sa akin, ramdam kong nanunusok iyon hanggang sa kaluluwa ko. Napalunok ako at nag-iwas ng tingin. He stared at me as if devouring me alive before clearing his throat.

"Well... If I can't buy anything now, then I'll just buy another from your other artworks."

"Nasa Paris silang lahat." Mabilis kong sagot para matapos na ang lahat. Bakit ba siya namimilit? Marami namang artworks dito na puwede niyang isabit sa bahay nila!

Napataas ang kaniyang kilay, arogante at parang naiinsulto pa sa mabilisan kong sagot. Kung siya naman ang nagpapakita ng ganiyang tingin, parang ako pa ang iniinsulto!

"Who says I'm buying your artworks from Paris? I want new, Miss Saltina. Iyong bagong gawa at dito mismo sa Pilipinas ginawa."

Nangunot ang noo ko. Ano bang sinasabi niya? Na kailangan manatili ako sa Pilipinas ng ilang araw o linggo para pagbigyan lang siya sa gusto niyang artworks? Bakit kailangan pa na sa Pilipinas? At bakit ko naman siya pag-aaksayahan ng oras? Sino ba siya sa inaakala niya?

"I want to offer you a job to do. Wala ka naman sigurong pagkakaabalahan sa buong taon? I heard, you haven't got any scheduled invitations for this year."

"M-Meron!" Mabilis kong sagot sa kaba. Wala pa nga pero baka magkakaroon! Hindi ko na naisip pa na mangyayari ito kaya nagagawa na ag lahat at ang maaaring mga sabihin para lamang makaiwas. I never expected he was some kind of guy who's into art! "Pero... p-puwede pa rin naman akong tumanggap ng invitation kapag may... pahabol," kapos hiningang pagsisinungaling ko.

I need money of my own!

"Then take this as an invitation. You'll be my artist for the arts exhibit and auction. I am funding for the kids who have cancers. I'll buy all your artworks and fund an exhibit and auction for it. And don't worry. I am not using your talent for nothing. Ang pera mapupunta, s'yempre, sa charity."

"What benefits I could gain if I accept your offer, Mr. Chua?"

"You will gain more recognition in the Philippines. The event will be aired in the national TV by FNC Corporation. Many artists will attend in this event to participate for the charity I am funding. At makakatulong ka rin sa mga batang walang mga magulang at may sakit."

Natahimik ako, hindi alam ang sasabihin. Wala naman akong pakealam sa recognition na makukuha ko, lalo na popularidad. I’ve already gain a lot in other countries, it won’t hurt if people from my homeland won’t recognize who I am. But his objective for this had taken be aback. He really knows what softens my heart. He knows I have a soft spot for these children. Parang alam na alam niyang hindi na ako makakatanggi at kahit ilang beses mang subukang umiwas ay mapapapayag niya rin sa huli.

Kalmadong-kalmado siya sa paglalahad ng offer niya sa akin at nakapamulsa pa na parang wala lang sa kaniya ang lahat! While here I am, struggling how to stand straight in front of him. Struggling, fishing the right words out of my mind.

Lahat ay tila naging bula sa paningin ko nang magtama ang paningin namin ni Ford. He was the only one I could see, standing firm and stern in front of me. One of his brows shot up waiting for my decisions as if they were mocking me. He knows I am soft for the children. And he knows what effect he can inflict on me!

Nakalimutan na kaya niya ako? If he could pull this stunt easily and so calm, then he probably did already! Kung ganoon, hindi ko dapat ipakita sa kaniya na apektado pa rin ako!

Nagtaas ako ng noo. Bigla-bigla ay nagbago ang ipinakita sa kaniya. Nanginginig at nanlalamig man ang buong katawan, ginawa ko ang lahat upang itago ang pakiramdam ng puso. My heart was beating so bad like it wanted to get out of the cage and jump into him. Despite that, I managed to give him a mischievous smile.

"Email me." Ibinigay ko sa kaniya ang card kung saan nakalagay ang email at contact number ko. "I'll think about it, Mr. Chua."