Chapter 6: Language

We already started formal classes during the next weeks. Ordinary schedule na rin dahil tapos na ang clubbings. Tuwing Friday naman naipapasok namin ang schedule namin para sa club dahil morning-afternoon schedule naman ang ganap. The students with morning schedule will attend the club during afternoon until 3pm and those who are in afternoon schedule will start 9am until 11am because their PE classes will start on 12am.

Tinapik-tapik ko ang hawak na ballpen sa mesa nang magsalitang muli ang teacher namin. Nagtaas siya ng kamay na para bang nag-eencourage ng students para sumagot sa magiging tanong niya. The chalk was dusting her fingers as she held it tightly in between her thumb and index finger.

"How do you think technology can affect your active lifestyle?" Iginala niya ang paningin.

Nagsiyukuan ang iba kong mga kaklase para magpatuloy pa rin sa pagsusulat. Or maybe to avoid being called to answer. Sumandal lamang ako sa upuan dahil naghihintay lang ng maidadagdag sa notebook. I crossed my arms around my chest. Sinundan ko ang paggala ng paningin ng guro namin.

"Anyone?" Tumama ang paningin ni ma'am kay Ivan. Nakayuko ito at may sinusulat bago siya nagtaas ng tingin. He stood up without even being called and answered the question. Nakahinga nang maluwag ang mga duwag kong kaklase.

Ivan Grant Saltina's years older than us but I've always wondered why he's still in tenth grade. Siguro dahil iyon sa pag-aaral niya ng culinary sa ibang bansa. I heard he came back last school year to enroll at CHSC. I wouldn't think that he failed because he looks smart and responsible for his studies. Ang sabi nga nila ay he encouraged his friends and other studies who might be interested in their study sessions. There would be sharing. Of course, I did not join them because I can study myself.

Mabuti na lang at hindi sumali iyong si Athelia sa study sessions nila. She's too lazy even to do it for his crush. 'Tsaka marami naman iyong crush. She can go crushing on people she just met the first time and lost interest if she doesn't often see them.

Some girls only joined to get close of him. That's what I've heard from people when they talk about it. They're probably trying to get Ivan the way they're pushing themselves to Ford and some of his friends but it seems like Ivan was not even interested about these matters.

The four of them got their shares of rumors. Gaya na lang ng kay Ford na may minsan pang nagsasabi na he probably had secret engagement with Cara that's why he was still single. In Ivan's matter, he was a playboy and constantly change girlfriends after he dumped them... That's what the rumors about him says. I don't think there's a truth to those rumors. They're probably just romanticizing his friendly side as flirting.

Well, back then, I believed in it too. I admit I jumped into conclusion and while I was silent, I am still having my own idea of him. Which was an idea we all cater for ourselves because it was easier to believe that he was like that instead of getting to know him better.

People can choose what they want to say and can choose what they want to believe. While you can choose how to live amidst those rumors. Or you can just... not care about them as if they're just dust particles in the air.

Even I have share of rumors about me but I am not as popular as them. They still think that I am connected to the Saltinas. Only I know the truth that I am not. I witnessed my parents struggled with me in a car accident. I know no relatives that looked for me when I was alone.

"Oh? Wala ka bang assignment ngayon?"

Humalik ako sa pisnge ni Nanay pagkatapos magmano. Kakapunas lang niya ng kamay galing sa paghuhugas nito.

She's overworked again in our karinderya. May ibang tumutulong naman kay Nanay ngunit gusto niya rin talagang maging hands-on dito. As much as possible, Nanay want to see how the karinderya would grow with her feeding it to grow. Ayaw niyang umaasa lamang sa tulong ng iba.

"Wala naman po," sagot ko 'tsaka ngumiti ng kapani-paniwala.

Our teacher in Health Education actually gave us assignment. Madali lang naman iyon kaya tutulong pa rin ako rito kina Nanay. If she would know that I have something else to do, she would not allow me to help in here so I chose to lie.

Nag-aalala rin ako kay Nanay dahil madali itong napapagod at magkasakit.

Nanay was already getting old. She adopted me when she was late twenties. Nawalan na kasi ito ng interes magpakasal pero gusto niyang magkaroon ng matatawag na anak. I am happy that I was adopted by Nanay. I am always grateful for her so I always worry for her. I do not want to lose my only family.

Kinuha ni Nanay ang pot holder na nakalapag sa isang mesa bago buksan ang bagong lutong pagkain. The smoke from the newly stewed pork mounted and spreading on to the high ceiling. Iwinasiwas ko ang kamay para alisin ang usok na tumatakip sa paningin. Nanay was wearing a mask to keep herself from being exposed in too much smoke.

I helped in the karinderya before doing my assignment. Nauna kong pinakain si Nanay habang pinalitan ko sa trabaho si Tata doon sa counter. Siya na ang tumulong sa mga nagse-serve at nagliligpit ng pinagkainan.

We were usually taking turns of eating because we cannot all eat at the same time. Marami kasing customers kaya hindi maiwan-iwang walang taong gumagalaw sa karinderya. Minsan naman nakakapagsabay kami ni Nanay sa pagkain pero sa loob na kami kumakain. That only happened if she chose to rest over work or if there were visitors.

Bumalik si Nanay pagkatapos at ako naman ang kumain. I helped them washed the plates and utensils while others were cleaning the dining area. Nang magtapos sa lahat ng ginagawa ay pumasok na ako sa bahay para makapaglinis ng katawan.

Come to think of it. We wanted to be rich but because we were not born rich, we have to work hard to make it reachable. Those who were born rich will only work to perpetuate their wealth and to make it even richer. They were born fortunate so they will just do their best to keep their good fortune going.

I am always envious of those people. What if I was born rich? How does it feels to be lucky? How does it feels to be just doing some routines and have some fun in life? Maybe it's boring but my future's already secured so I will worry less. I will only worry of how to keep it going.

But I also wondered of who will I become if I am rich? What dreams would I dreamed of?

Maybe I will not be as passionate as I am now. Maybe I will not be eager of doing things the best that I can because I am certain I will end up still being rich anyway. Maybe it's less fulfilling to do things when you're already rich. That's what I wanted to think but on the contrary part, how could I also say that when I am not in their shoes? How could I share bias opinions while I was feeling envious about their life?

Inikot ko ang gripo upang patayin ang tubig nang umaagos na sa semento ang mga nasayang na tubig. Inilagay ko sa ulo ang tabo at napatitig nang mariin sa galaw ng tubig dahil lamang sa isang maliit na patak mula sa gripo. Just like the vast seas when disturbed makes a huge wave. That's how small things gave impact.

Napabuntong hininga ako at napailing. I am thinking too much. I am too drawn of my schoolmates wealth status. Nakaka-conscious din naman kasi minsan kapag halos lahat ng nasa paligid mo ay makakaya lang bilhin ang buhay mo—ang buhay na hinihiling mo nang ganoon lang kadali. It's hurtful.

"Oh?" Si Nanay nang kakapasok lang ng kuwarto namin. Pinapatuyo niya ang basang buhok gamit ang isang tuwalya. Napatingin siya sa nagkalat na libro, notebooks at papel sa sahig. "Akala ko wala kang assignment?"

Alinlangan akong tumawa at nagkamot ng ulo.

"Nakalimutan ko po eh. Naalala ko lang po nang mag-aral ako sa ibang subject." Itinaas ko ang pink na colored paper na inilalagay ko sa notebook tuwing may assignment, projects or tasks na gagawin para hindi makalimutan.

"Matulog ka na maya't-maya. Baka magpupuyat ka na naman."

"Hindi po. Matutulog na rin po ako pagkatapos nito, 'nay."

Tumango si Nanay at lumabas muli ng kuwarto. Sumunod naman sa kaniya iyong pusa namin at maarte pang iwinawagayway ang mahabang buntot.

"Jesiah!"

Kumaway si Athelia para maaninag ko sila nang maayos sa gitna ng alon ng mga estudyante. Malawak ang ngiti nito at palinga-linga nang makasiguradong alam na ang pupuntahan ko. Dumaan sa gilid ko si Ivan at nakipagsiksikan sa mga estudyante. Athelia squawked in a sharp pitch voice, napairap si Ena dahil doon.

"Ang sungit naman, Yce!"

"Huwag mo akong tawagin niyan!"

"Okay, hindi na..." Athelia said with a suggestive jest in her voice.

Gaya ng nakasayanan, naghihintay ako sa kanilang makabili ng lunch habang mahaba ang pila. Athelia was always enthusiastic mixing with the crowd because she loves talking and socializing. Nakasanayan niya na rin iyon dahil sa kaniyang ina. On the other hand, Ena slacks off in conversing others. She prefer alone with her books or with someone whom she's comfortable. She doesn't like surprises and adventures, she wants routine and familiarity.

Ako, sakto lang pero ayaw ko sa mga feeling close.

Nang makabalik na sina Athelia at Ena sa table namin ay eksaktong nakasalubong niya ang apat. Kian greeted them, Athelia enthusiastically greeted back. Ena stepped backwards abysmally as the boys stepped ahead of them. Umatras din si Athelia ngunit parang masaya pang paunahing maglakad ang mga iyon lalo na't naroon ang kaniyang crush at nakasalubong.

I looked at Ena. She was giving them a secretive glance while they're settled on their seats. Nang hinila siya ni Athelia ay nabigla pa siya at halos mabitawan ang dalang tray.

"Ang guwapo niya talaga!" pabulong na tili sa akin ni Athelia na halos matakpan na ng ingay sa paligid.

"Guwapo naman lahat ng lalaki sa paningin mo."

"Depende...” Napaisip pa ito bago humalakhak. “S’yempre mas guwapo ang mga crush ko!”

Natawa ako at binalingan si Ena na walang imik ngayon. She came back to her usual self, in her isolation zone with her book. Binuksan niya ang bag na hindi kalakihan at inilabas ang hard-bound na libro. Hinanap niya ang bookmark at hindi na ulit kami kinausap talaga.

It looks like she's okay but she's extra silent today. Tahimik man si Ena pero siya ang mangunguna sa pambabara kay Athelia. They've been friends for more than how many years I've spent with them. Although their parents were not family friends but the two of them knew each other since then. Among Athelia and I, Athelia probably knew her more than I do. I would only know how she felt through keen observations but not from her past experiences.

Nilingon ko si Athelia at sinundot patago sa tagiliran. Napalingon siya sa akin galing sa pagsulyap-sulyap sa crush niya at sa iba pa niyang crush na naririto sa loob ng cafeteria. Ibinaba niya ang cup ng juice na hawak at nagtatakang tumingin sa akin.

"Ano 'yon?"

"Anong meron doon kay Adamson at kay Ena? Bakit parang hindi sila nagpapansinan?"

Adamsom really have this boyish look. Kapag pagtatabihin mo silang apat, siya ang masasabi mong malapit ang pangangatawan at aura roon kay Ivan. Ivan had the bigger body frame compared to the three of them given that he's older and probably athletic. Iyong si Adamson naman, athletic din at maganda rin ang tindig. Kian and Ford were the studious type of men who would prefer sulking in their books to study and participate academically than in athletic stuffs. Although Kian was more of a guy who would probably play basketball for fun so he had bigger frame. Alam ko namang lumalaklak ng libro iyong si Ford kaya baka bihira lang iyong sumali sa kanila.

But overall, for me Adamson was the most easygoing.

Nagkibit ng balikat si Athelia. "Hindi ko nga rin alam kung anong meron. Ena is secretive. Kahit magkaibigan kami matagal na, parang wala akong alam tungkol sa kaniya.”

“Kahit kaunti lang? Are they friends before? Probably family strifes?” pilit ko pa. Napahinto naman saglit si Athelia sa pag-iisip.

“I am not sure but... they talked to each other before. Malapit din kasi si Ena sa Kuya ni Adam.”

“Oh... so where is Adamson’s brother now?”

Nanlaki ang mata ni Athelia na para bang may mali sa nasabi ko. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at sumimsim na lang sa juice na hawak. I shrugged and just let it slide. Talagang marami akong hindi alam. Not that I have to know every circumstances they had. I was just... worried.

Natawa si Athelia at hinampas ako sa balikat. Napalakas pa iyon kaya napabaling ako sa kaniya na nanlalaki ang mga mata. Her grin lingered to my sight.

“Don’t think deeply about it! Sarili mo muna ang isipin mo, Jesiah. Sometimes I get confuse if you are selfless, selfish or you are just curious about almost everything.”

Inirapan ko siya. I don’t really care about other people. There were just some things that can’t be left unnoticed. It’s like they’re calling me to be part of it.

“Gusto mo ba ng suntukan, Ath?” Umasta ako na parang susuntukin siya. Sumunod din siya sa akin at pinagtama ang mga kamao namin.

We were just grinning with each other and joking around while Ena was silent the whole time. Paminsan-minsan ang sulyap naming dalawa at nararamdaman na niya ata iyon kaya isa-isa kaming hinampas ng libro niya.

“Gusto niyo ba ng gulo, ha?” Her eyebrows knitted. We both behaved in our seat while trying to stop our grins.

I wanted to let Ena feel that I am here and I won’t ask her about anything unless she wants to talk about it. I just want her to feel normal around us and not to act like some creeps trying hard to be considerate of feelings. She would just feel more awkward.

And I know Athelia and I were on the same page.

Bumuntong hininga si Athelia at humalukipkip sa kinauupuan. Bumaling siya sa upuang pinakamalapit sa amin. That was their usual seat. Naaalala ko na naman ang nangyari noong isang araw.

“Pagmasdan na lang natin ang kagwapuhan ng crush ko...” she sigh dreamily, it’s as if her eyes were the night sky carpeted with the stars.

"Sino?" I asked trying to pull another joke we can argue. Napaangat ang kilay niya sa akin at masungit akong nilubayan ng tingin.

Her eyes fixated on Ford's table again. Ipinagdikit niya ang mga palad at kulang na lang maglagay ako ng effects para ipaalam sa lahat na crush niya ang tinititigan niya.

"Sino pa ba? Si Ivan!"

Nilingon ko ang direksyon nila. Just like their normal setup, Ivan's back was facing us.

"Nakatalikod naman 'yan. Guwapo ba pati likod niyan?"

Bumaling ulit ako sa kanila ngayon ay mas matagal na at napapatitig na. Ford's eyes diverted on me. Napaayos ako ng tayo at gaano man kagustong alisin ang paningin sa kaniya, mas lalo lamang akong nahihila sa pagtitig.

His eyes were pitch dark and brooding as though creating walls around me for a trap. It's as though I was staring at the starless skies. It was dark with no starlight to illuminate me at all. It's dark and intimidating yet feels like the night while the wind was blowing gently—it was filled with tranquility.

Hinampas ako ni Athelia, napatalon ako sa kinauupuan. Ford covered his mouth with his hand but I saw how his lips lifted sideward in a menacing motion. Masama na ang tingin ko sa kaniya ngayon kahit gaano man kaganda ang deskripsyon ko sa mga mata niya!

"Huwag mo ngang titigan! Malalaman nilang pinag-uusapan natin sila!"

Sumimangot ako. "Paano ko makikita ang kagwapuhan kung hindi ko lilingunin?" salo ko sa sarili dahil baka malaman nitong hindi naman si Ivan ang tinitigan ko kanina!

"Ubusin niyo na ang pagkain niyo. May mga klase pa tayong hahabulin ngayong tanghali."

"Oo nga pala! Shit! May assignment kami, hindi ko nagawa!" ani Athelia. Nagmamadali siyang maghalungkat ng bag para hanapin ang notebook na pinaglalagyan niya ng kaniyang assignment. Napangiti si Ena, halatang pinipigilang matawa sa pagkaaliw kay Athelia.

Sumulyap ulit ako sa direksyon nila Ford nang wala na ang tensyong nararamdaman. I breathe a sigh of relief when his eyes were not directed to me. Nag-uusap na sila ng mga kasama niya. Ngumisi siya at tumawa ang mga kasama niya. Tinambol pa ni Adamson nang mahina ang mesa na tanging kaming kalapit na mesa lamang ang nakakarinig.

Ford brushed his hair that was covering his whole forehead and almost reaching his sight with his hand. Sa ginawa niyang iyon ay nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong pagmasdan ang kabuuan ng mukha niya nang walang sagabal. He really was good looking but he's aloof.

Bago mag alas dose, tumatakbo na ako papunta sa classroom namin para sa Organization and Management. Hinintay pa kasi naming makatapos si Athelia sa paggawa ng assignment niya. Natataranta na siya nang marami ng nagsialisan kaya tinulungan na naming dalawa ni Ena. If we will not help her, we'll end up being late to the 12pm subject.

Pinunasan ko ang buong mukha nang makahanap ng komportableng puwesto. Umupo ako sa pangalawang linya ng mga upuan. Gusto kong malapit sa guro para mas maintindihan ko nang maayos ang lecture pero ayaw ko rin ng sobrang malapit dahil parati akong napi-pick para gawing example nila. One more thing, seeing my teachers' faces very closely was like them facing a convex mirror.

We had a bit discussion before our teacher gave us a quiz for the lecture last meeting. Isinali na rin niya ang mga na-discuss ngayon para mataas-taas ang total score. Mas marami akong naging tama sa discussion ngayon kumpara sa topic noong nakaraang martes. I haven't studied so what was left in me were the topics that interests me the most.

Hindi naman ako interesado sa Business pero ipinasok nila sa Grade 10 integrated ang Organization and Management. Malaki ang populasyon ng Business Administration sa Chua High School and Colleges dahil maganda ang pagtuturo nila sa kurso na iyon. They often escalated to the top 10 Business school. Ngayon, they were probably aiming to be on the top 5 or so, that was why they were advancing the students.

Sa sumunod na subject, nagkaroon ng introduction sa topic bago nagpasya ang guro namin na mag-assign ng pairwork task.

"I will be assigning you for the next topic and you and your pair will be reporting the topic you were assigned in front of your classmates. Hanggang sa matapos ang first grading ang bigayan ko ng topic. I will just be clarifying it at the end of the reporting if there's anything vague to you."

Kinuha ni ma'am ang libro na nasa ilalim ng desk niya at kasama na roon ang kaniyang class record. Naghanapan na kaagad ang mga kaklase ko ng kanilang mga kaibigan. If only they knew it's obvious that our teacher will refer the class record for the pair task.

Nagsimula na siya sa pagbanggit ng mga apelyido ng mga kaklase ko. She's pairing boys with girls in our class. Kinabahan kaagad ako roon sa hindi malamang dahilan.

"Alburo, Bitagan..." tawag niya sa dalawang kaklase ko. Nagtaas ng kamay ang kaklase kong sina Alburo at Bitagan.

Ang alam ko, apelyido ko ang susunod sa Alburo pero hindi ko lang alam kung sino ang susunod kay Bitagan. Hindi ko naman sinasaulo sa boys na arrangement dahil importante lang sa aking malaman kung saan ako.

"Amania," she trailed off. She flipped another page for the boys. "Chua," banggit niya sa apelyido ni Ford. Nagtaas ako ng kamay at ganoon din siya. Ramdam ko na kaagad ang panlulumo sa nalamang partner ko siya.

Wala bang subject na hindi kami nagiging magkagrupo? Meron! Iyong mga subjects na hindi kami magkaklase.

Matalino naman si Ford at responsableng partner, iyon ang mga pangarap maging partner ng mga tamad na estudyante. Gusto ko rin ng responsable at matalinong partner ngunit bakit si Ford? I never thought of wanting him as a partner! I don’t I can talk to him casually after what had happened. Also, their teases about us were remnants of me that I do not wanna think of over again but then I cannot helped it when we're partners now! Iisipin na naman nilang tudyuin kaming dalawa. In the image of Cara, of course.

Hindi ko pa man kilala iyong Cara na tinutukoy nila, naiinis na ako sa kaniya. It's like she's robbing my life for her own.

Nagsilapitan na sila sa kanilang partner matapos maibigay ni ma'am ang kanilang ire-report. Bumalik ako sa sariling upuan at ganoon din si Ford. It felt so awkward to be with him. Naaalala ko pa rin ang mga sinabi ko sa kaniya noong isang araw! Ang malamang iniisip ko rin iyon ay masyado ng nakakahiya.

Nagkrus ako ng braso at iniwasan siyang tignan sa kaniyang puwesto. I felt his stares burning my cheeks. Tumikhim ako at inayos ang sarili. The only thing that would save me now was to act annoyed!

A large shadow hinder me from my clear sight of the floor. Bumagsak ang makapal na libro namin sa Values sa harapan ko. Mas lalo lamang sumama ang mukha ko sa pag-iinit ng pisnge.

"Anong sinisimangot mo riyan?"

At mas mainit pa. Naramdaman ko hanggang sa tainga at likod ang pag-iinit gaya ng naramdaman sa pisnge. Natuod na ako sa kinauupuan at ayaw ng gumalaw.

"Tang ina talaga... Bakit ko ba naging partner 'to!?" I hissed under my breath, not intending him to hear it.

He slid the book to the end of my desk. Umupo siya sa desk ko, malayo ang agwat ng mga binti dahil naroroon ako sa gitna. Itinukod niya ang dalawang paa sa bandang gilid ko na para bang isa itong rehas upang ikulong ako sa puwesto!

Tiningala ko siya, 'tsaka ko naman naramdaman ang pagpitik niya sa labi ko gamit ang dalawang daliri.

"Ano ba!" Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Napahawak ako sa nasaktang labi nang hindi siya tinatantanan ng masamang titig. Parang nawala ang hiyang nararamdaman ko at gusto na lang makipagkompetensiya sa pagiging arogante niya!

He crouched a bit to reach me. Nakatukod ang dalawang kamay niya sa desk ko para supportahan ang bigat. Ramdam ko ang mga titig sa amin ng mga kaklase ko dahil natahimik silang lahat mula sa diskusyon.

Tumawa siya nang mahina at umiling-iling.

"Language, Kate. Language."