Chapter 5: Offended

We had our club hopping for two days where we had to choose which club we'll be in. Dalawa ang pipiliin namin, ang isa ay para sa academic club at ang isa ay para sa creative club.

Few had to choose for the creative side, nahihirapan pa dahil wala namang skills sa area na iyon at more on academics lang. Athletes need not to worry about choosing because they were already in sports club so as the journalists who were in actibo writing.

I planned on joining the arts club where my potential lies.

Nagsusulat pa man lang ako ng pangalan ay excited na ako. We were making line outside the art room before the old club member decided to let us in.

Naroroon ang teacher na major in arts and designing sa club para mag-hold sa club orientation. The speaker was telling us what the club is all about and to be qualified of the club. Hindi pa pala basta-bastang makakapasok dahil mamayang hapon ay may qualifications kung papasa ka sa club.

Napag-alaman ko ring ang President ng club ay College na ngayon at wala na sa club. They had to appoint new club officers. By the thought of it, I became more delighted. I am already regaled by what the club could offer me wisdom. I wanted to be part of the officers to advance.

I joined English club for the academic. I knew English club would be less hassle. There will be more on readings and few acting for tales. May isang activity raw kasi rito sa school na kailangan ang English club para sa isang stageplay. I heard there's no theatrical club because the English club is present. Hindi rin naman naglalabas masyado nang ganoong presentations ang CHSC.

We had our lunch just inside the Campus. I already brought viand and rice with me for lunch. Mabuti naman dahil ayaw ko nang isipin pa ang lasa ng pagkain sa labas ng Campus. The expensive ones probably taste better than what I bought but I couldn't afford it. Magdadala na lang talaga ako ng ulam at kanin. Mabuti at inagahan na ngayon ang pagbukas ng karinderya.

Ena and Athelia just bought their lunch at the cafeteria. Pumwesto na kaagad kami sa mesang napili. They left me for a while to line up.

The students were just wearing casual attire and not in their uniform. This is not an ordinary day where classes goes on so they can wear anything they want.

I've seen those rich students in the campus in their complete uniform, that doesn't set much boundaries to me but now that I had seen them wearing their casual attire in school, I suddenly had an image of lines of them and me. Like it was forbidden to touch them. At nakakainis dahil naiinggit din pala ako sa kanila kahit gaano ko iyon itanggi.

I guess they were just so lucky in life.

"Kamusta ang club hopping? Saang club kayo?"

"Book lovers club at History."

"Hindi na ako magtataka." Natatawang sambit ko nang mauna pang sumagot si Ena na parang sobrang interesante para sa amin ang desisyon. It's not new to us. Alam ko ring History ang mapipili nito dahil mahina siya sa subject na iyan. She wasn't on the same club with me in academic choices so I had the clue.

"Business club at Book lovers!"

Natigilan ako sa pagkain at naubo pa nang bahagya sa naisagot ni Athelia. Ena handed me wet wipes, tinanggap ko iyon at pinunasan ang bibig at kamay.

"Sinundan niya ako sa Book lovers club. Istorbo sa pagbabasa." Umirap si Ena.

"Huhulaan ko... nasa Business club iyong crush mo?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. She clasped her hands and nodded at me dreamily.

"Oo! Para naman makasulyap ako kahit kaunti lang!"

Napailing na lang ako. She really has this unending admiration of this Ivan guy. I do not know why she likes him that much. He looks like an asshole to me. Babaero raw eh, iyon ang sabi nila.

Why do people always find toxic guys sexy? Napapairap na lang ako.

Bumalik kami para sa qualification ng club nang magtapos ang lunch break.

There were lots of students who listed on the Arts Club but during the qualifications few came. I bet those students were just listing their names because they have no choice on what club to join. They thought it will be easy to enter the Arts Club, ngayong may qualification pala ay umaatras.

The club provided the arts materials for those students who haven't prepared for the qualification. Iyong iba naman na alam ang curriculum ng clubbing ay nakapaghanda na para roon at may naiisip na atang gagawin. I wasn't prepared at all and I never expected that there will be a qualifications so I had to struggle for a bit.

It lasted two hours for me while some were still into their crafts. I made a painting on an illustration board. Dinoble ko pa iyon para mas makapal dahil wala naman silang provided na canvas, it's expensive. My paintings was not the usual painting because I did not used acrylic paint. Good thing I always bring with me my crayons.

Nagsindi lang ako ng candila para sa gagamitin. I drew my outline using a pencil in a fine thin sketches and then filled it out with the wax of crayons. Naubos pa iyong blue at white ko dahil iyon ang gamit na gamit. I used the white part of the illustration board to make the artwork apparent.

The results will be out in the evening kaya nang makauwi ako ay kabado pa rin.

I wanted so bad to be in that club. Tinititigan ko pa lang ang mga gawa nilang naka-display sa art room, alam kong puno iyon ng talent. It was full of passion fixed in their artworks. I know passion when I see one because that's what I felt in doing art too.

Tumulong ako saglit kay Nanay sa paghuhugas sa karinderya bago kumain. Nang hindi pa kami nagsasara ay nagpaalam ako para pumunta sa malapit na computer shop. We had no internet in our house so I had to endure doing researches and gathering data there. Nakakapag-chat lang naman ako at nakakakita ng posts sa F******k pero walang picture.

Kaunti na lang ang mga tao nang makarating ako sa computer shop. It should be scary now that I am surrounded by boys on the shop playing computer games and all but I am already used to it. Kilala naman si Nanay rito sa barangay kaya kilala rin nila ako. They are nice to me because they had known me to be Nanay's daughter.

"Uy, Kate!" bati ni Kuya Nono na nasa bandang dulo pa nakaupo. I smiled and nodded at him for acknowledgement.

"Kate, dito ka. Mahina ang koneksyon diyan at madalas pang nagha-hang at namamatay ang router."

"Talaga? Malakas ba ang headphones dito?"

"Oo! Diyan madalas gumagamit si Kikay, 'di ba? Pansin mo iyon?"

"Sayang nga eh... Minsan nauunahan ka niya kasi hindi ka naman araw-araw rito."

Naupo na ako katabi nito. Hindi ko alam kung totoong malakas nga talaga ang koneksyon dito o gusto lang ako nitong makatabi. Ang alam ko, crush ako nito. Hindi naman lingid sa kaalaman ko kapag may nagkakagusto sa akin dahil hindi naman ako manhid at tanga. Hindi na rin bago iyon dito sa lugar namin.

Hindi naman squatter area ang lugar namin. Malinis at sandy ang kinatatayuan. Marami ring mga batong nakalibing sa maalikabok na lupa kaya kailangang mag-iingat para hindi matapilok kung baguhan ka rito.

Kaunti lang ang mga babae sa lugar namin at mas marami ang lalaki. Kaya nga sa tuwing may liga ay mas maraming sumisigaw na bakla kesa sa babae. Kaya hindi na dapat pagtakahan kung bakit marami ang nagkakagusto sa mga babae namin dito.

Malapit talaga ako sa lalaki dahil sa kanila ako komportable kaya siguro ay nagkakagusto sila sa akin. Hindi ko alam. Iyong si Kikay naman, maganda pero mailap sa mga lalaki at hindi namamansin kaya wala masyadong nakakaibigan gaya ko.

Iyon nga lang, hindi ako nagkakagusto sa mga kaibigan ko.

Hinanap ko kaagad ang page ng organization nang makapag-log in sa F******k account. The beat of the music was dancing against the tremble of my heart. Nanlalamig ang kamay ko habang tinitipa ang pangalan ng page at nagsco-scroll gamit ang mouse. Mainit naman sa loob dahil walang aircon at ceiling fan lang pero nanginginig ako sa kaba.

I wanted so bad to be in the organization!

They posted a criteria of judging the artworks. May originality, neatness, uniqueness at creativity. Iniisip ko na sana wala akong kapareho ng concept para malaki ang score ko sa uniqueness at originality!

Pinindot ko ang see more at pinanood ang paglalakbay ng cursor sa mga pangalan hanggang sa mapadpad iyon sa pinakahuli. May number 1 sa pangalan ko at may pinakamalaki akong overall score sa criteria!

We had a new election of officers the next day. Ipinagtipon-tipon kaming mga nakapasa. Narito rin ang mga fourth year students, na dati ng members pero hindi kasali sa officers. Nandito rin ngayon ang dating President ng Arts Club at ang Vice President para mag-facilitate sa amin.

Nagkaroon ng discussion sa mga roles ng mga officers. Those who were selected needed to stay in the classroom. I got the role of Vice President of Education thence I had it in my hand to handle the orientations and the programs of our organization.

"What if there is a program, Miss? Do I get to speak as a President or si Amania lang parati ang magsasalita para sa amin?" Iyong new elected President namin na nilingon pa ako habang sinasabi ang hinanaing.

Nagtaas ng kamay iyong isa naming kasama.

"Oo nga, Miss. Isn't it unfair to us? Does she get to have all the programs emceed by herself or we would also get a chance to switch up with her?"

Bakit ba nila ako pinapalitan sa trabaho ko? Hindi pa nga kami nakakapagsimula? They elected me for this position, ngayon parang ayaw pa nila, ah? Ayaw kong sinasapawan sa puwesto ko.

"The President get to speak for speeches including our organization teacher but Amania will emceed the programs. She will be also heading the exhibits for tour. This will be tough job for Miss Amania."

"Kaya nga, Miss. Hindi naman niya siguro iyon kakayaning akuin ang lahat? Parang siya pa ang President, ah!"

"The President will be heading the committee meetings and the decision of the organization. You are also in charge of delegating tasks for the organization to maintain proper movements and to reach the objective of the organization."

Tumango ang former President namin sa sinabi ng former Vice President of Education. Umayos siya ng tayo mula sa pagkakasandal sa white board at hinawakan ang sandalan ng inuupuan ng former Vice President.

"Our objective here is to showcase our talents and to be our Chua High School and Colleges pride in terms of passion and art. We are also in charge of helping the school faculty and student's council for the preparation of venues in case there will be programs. 'Yan ang skills natin kaya nailagay tayo rito."

"Will the Vice President emceed every programs in school then? Hindi ba siya tutulong sa amin at maghahanda lang para sa program?"

"No." Umiling sila.

"She will only be in charge of the program if it's for our organization. Kapag hindi naman, mailalabas pa rin ang skills niya sa art. After all, she got the highest score in the ranking."

The former President and Vice President nodded at each other, satisfied when everybody already stopped questioning my role for the organization. I remained pissed off while the new officers were already peacefully seated on their seats for the wrap-up.

The appointing of new officers ended almost in the afternoon.

Hindi ko na hinanap pa sina Athelia at Ena kahit nagti-text na sila sa akin para magpahintay kung saang lupalop man sila lumipad. Umirap ako sa screen ng cellphone at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad papuntang cafeteria.

I was already so pissed off and starving at the same time kaya nang makahanap ng bakanteng mauupuan sa malapit ay doon na umupo. Busangot ang mukha kong nagbukas ng lunch box kung saan naglalaman ang masarap na luto ni Nanay.

Tinignan ko ito saglit at napairap din sa huli sa sobrang iritasyon.

I stabbed the pork with my fork and munched noisily and angrily. Sa pintuan ang paningin ko at nanginginig ang mga kamay sa higpit ng pagkakahawak sa kutsara at tinidor.

I do not want people questioning my skills of something. Parang wala pa silang tiwala sa akin na makakaya ko ang position na binigay sa akin.

Tang ina! Kayo naman ang bumuto sa akin doon, ngayon ay pagkakaisahan niyo ako at pagdududahan. It was like they wanted to steal away my position and slap it to my face that I do not deserved it.

Siguro wala sa kanila iyong mga bumuto sa akin at nakauwi na kaya wala ng magtatanggol sa akin. Tang ina mga inggitera!

They probably wanted to rob my position from me without making it look like they are thieves so they just planned to question my position and my capability of handling it. Hindi niyo pa nga nakikita, ganiyan na kayo makapag-react. I hate it so much! It felt so bad being judge in one glance!

They probably hate me because I am poor. Or probably because they don't know me yet. Dog barks at someone who seemed unfamiliar to them no matter what character you portray! Iisipin ko na lamang naiinggit sila para umayos ang pakiramdam at hindi na malugmok.

When you felt downgraded by someone, you do not let them pull you down harder. Iisipin mo na lang na may hinanakit sila sa iyo o naiinggit. Paano ka naman mahihila pababa ng taong nasa itaas? That would be impossible. That thought had always been my anchor to stop myself from drifting off.

"Hi!"

Dumaan ang mga estudyante sa inuupuan ko. Ngayon ko lang napansin na may bumabaling at tumititig pala nang matagal sa akin habang galit akong nakikipagtusukan sa ulam. May tatlong sadyang huminto pa talaga sa harapan ko. They were peoples from the organization who doubted me and now they are greeting me like they haven't said anything like those!

I squinted my eyes on them getting annoyed with their huge smiles while I cannot smile like them. Nanginig lalo ang kamay ko at pinaghihiwa na nang mabilis at malakas ang pork gamit ang tinidor. Nagsikuhan sila.

"Ah, puwedeng makitabi, Amania? Pag-uusapan sana natin ang about sa organization. Officers naman tayo."

Tumango iyong isa at mas humigpit ang hawak sa tray.

"Oo. Nandito na rin kasama natin ang bagong President kaya lunch for a cause na rin ito."

Lunch for a cause niyo mukha ninyo!

Hindi ako sumagot at matalim lang silang tinitigan. The bone from my viand were probably broken by now with the use of my fork. Sa higpit ng hawak ko sa tinidor, pakiramdam ko'y iyon ang susunod na mababali.

"Sige..." Tumango sila, umaatras na sa galit ko. "Next time na lang siguro, mukhang wala ka sa mood."

Dahil sa mga pagmumukha niyo iyon!

I wanted to scream it to their faces but I do not want to make a scene here. Not that I am at peace now. Napapatingin na rin naman sa akin ang mga tao sa cafeteria at nagtataka marahil sa pagliliyab ng mga mata ko at higpit ng hawak sa pagkain.

I ate my lunch silently and still annoyed. Sa akin nakadirekta ang tingin ng mga kasama ko kanina at parang may pinag-uusapan pa. I would be a fool if I would tell myself that they are not talking about me. Good or bad, that won't change the fact that they were talking about me. At sa paraan naman ng pagsulyap nila ay parang may itinatagong masama tungkol sa akin. When our eyes met, they were startled. That speaks a lot from their initial reactions, lies won't fool me.

Sa pagbabantay ko sa mga galaw nila, hindi ko na nakakain ang tanghalian at naiiwan lang iyong nakabukas sa harapan ko. Hindi ko rin napansin na may nakatayo na sa bandang gilid ko. Nakuha lang noon ang atensyon ko nang katukin nito ang mesa.

"Excuse me, classmate, but you are on our seat," a voice came in front of me.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin. Kahit hindi ko na iyon gawin ay alam ko naman kung sino ito. Sa paraan pa lang ng pagtawag nito sa akin at sa lalim ng boses nito, I know it's Chua.

"Oh? May pangalan mo?" I asked him mockingly. Kahit wala namang masama sa tono ng pananalita ay hindi ko maiwasang magalit nang walang dahilan.

I was mad. I can't helped it if I get angry at anyone right now!

Kumunot ang noo niya at hindi pa inaasahan ang mga sinabi ko. Naitabingi niya ang ulo para titigan ako lalo. Ngumisi ako, naiinis na sa ipang-iistorbo nila sa akin.

"Ano? May pangalan mo ba?" I tried once again, probing him angrily. I gritted my teeth.

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay at parang natatawa pa sa naisagot ko sa kaniya.

"Oh..." Tumango-tango siya, tila naliliwanagan sa mga naiisip. "Do I need to remind you again whose family's owns the school?"

"Chua. C-h-u-a..." pabirong dagdag pa ng kaibigan nitong tinamaan ang ulo ko ng bola noong isang araw. Nangingisi ito at tinatapik ang likuran ni Ford.

Ipinilig ko ang ulo at tumayo para harapin sila. Everything would sound like a joke if I am in a good mood but not at this very moment. I am so mad right now, hindi nila iyon puwedeng dagdagan.

Napatingin sa kaniya iyong isa niyang kaibigang nakasuot ng eyeglasses. Nagtaas siya ng mga kilay at hinihintay ang mangyayari habang iyong pinakamatangkad sa kanila at moreno ay umupo na sa isang upuan kaharap ko.

I laughed without any humor at all. Ang yabang. Putang ina ang yabang niyong lahat.

"Ginagamit mo na ngayon ang apelyido ng pamilya mo para umangat? Ano bang nagawa mo bilang tao para magyabang?" I pursed my lips in an image of dislike and to taunt him.

Napaawang ang labi niya, gulat sa mga nasabi ko. Mabilis ang paghinga ko at halos magliyab na sa harap nila. When I had a little sight of his eyes, I suddenly felt bad for what I said. His eyes were usually that of someone who hides his emotions but his eyes right now were evident of pain. Napaawang sa huli ang mga labi ko nang mapagtantong nasa amin na lahat ng atensyon.

A while ago, I was just angry but alone but right now, I am angry, embarrassed and regretful but definitely not alone.

Nagmadali akong takpan ang baunan at iniligpit ang kutsara ang tinidor. Bago ko pa iyon maipasok sa loob ng bag ay natigilan ako sa gulat. I jumped when he slammed his palms on the table. Napatingala ako sa kaniya ngunit niyuko niya ako, magkalapit na ang mukha namin at nararamdaman ko na ang kaniyang paghinga.

"I am deeply insulted, Kate..." he muttered lowly and disappointedly. Napailing siya at dinilaan ang ibabang labi, sa akin lahat ng atensyon niya habang ginagawa iyon.

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. Napabuntong hininga ako at nanginginig na sa kinaroroonan.

All eyes were on me. He did nothing to ridicule me. Ako lang iyong biglang manunumbat ng kung anu-ano at nagpapadala sa galit. At dahil hindi kayang ibuhos sa mga kasama ang galit ay hindi sinasadyang sa kaniya napunta iyon lahat.

I feel so ashamed for what I have done after realizations dawn me. I was a coward and took it out on the wrong person because I cannot voice out what I felt to the right people.

I am guilty and regretful after seeing the look on his face. I offended him while he did nothing but to inform me I was on their seat! I can just stand up and leave but I lashed out on him! And the things he said afterwards might be the joke we had between ourselves that I was not able to recognize. He said it so calmly and maybe not even intending to push me away!

Sa pakiramdam kong iyon ay umatras ako mula sa kaniya at tinakbo ang daan palabas ng cafeteria. Bitbit ko lang ang nakasarang lunch box at sukbit-sukbit ang maliit na bag. Umabot ako sa football field kung saan walang masyadong mga tao. I ran and climbed up to the bleachers.

Tinakpan ko ang buong mukha pagkatapos mailapag lahat ng dala sa hita. Tumingala ako at huminga nang ilang beses upang mapakalma ang sarili. Nang magtanggal naman ng kamay sa mukha, sumalubong sa akin ang clear cover ng baunan ko. Nasa paningin ko at lantang pork na tinusok-tusok ko nang ilang beses sa galit.

Then, I remembered my Nanay who cooked everyone's food for us to eat something good. I remembered my Nanay who specially sent me lunch to eat so that I would not starve. It was all made of love and effort and I just ruined it all because of anger.

Napahagulgol ako habang pinagmamasdan ang lunch box at wala sa sariling binuksan ito.

That afternoon, I ate my lunch on the bleachers with my tears falling down on my food, having a taste of my own grief and guilt in my tears