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67| Mistakes
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2024-01-04 02:56:31Related chapters
Toxic Paradise 68| Worth Fighting For
Oh god, I freaked out, pushing against Alec's chest to move him further into the hallway... this was the worst timing ever. I followed him out, my hand still on his chest as I closed the door behind me. "Alec... what are you doing here?" I managed to ask. My heart was thudding so hard in my chest I was starting to worry about my health. It had been less than 2 weeks since I left Siesta Key, but damn... I missed him so much. He was so handsome, and as per usual, he smelled so good; so familiar. I just wanted to throw my arms around him and forget about our fight; forget about the fact that he walked away from me; and forget about the fact that David was down on one knee just on the other side of my door. But, the angry and confused look on Alec's face stopped me from doing what I wanted. "Well..." he said, "I guess it doesn't really matter why I'm here now." "Of course it matters!" I said, "Should I ask David to leave?" All I wanted in this moment was to have him tell me "yes." I
Last Updated : 2024-01-04Toxic Paradise Epilogue (pt. 1)
6 months had passed since that night at my apartment. I still couldn't believe how fast the 6 months had gone by since Alec and I decided to officially be together. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this could have been the best 6 months of my life. For the first few months, Alec and I had a long distance relationship, and honestly, it wasn't always easy. I loved Alec, but he still knew how to push my buttons just as he always had, and I couldn't help but get under his skin sometimes too. The distance made this even more irritating since we were getting plenty of the banter and not enough of the physical connection.Sometimes, I would think that the distance was just too much, but then, he would show up at my apartment. He always had the timing perfect. It was like, when I was feeling like I needed him, he was always there. Maybe he felt the same way about me too in those moments; I liked to believe we were connected in that way. Occasionally, if he had to work, he would fly me o
Last Updated : 2024-01-04Toxic Paradise Epilogue (pt. 2)
Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend much time with Alec between the wedding and dinner, since the wedding party had to take pictures. I was able to see him just long enough for him to give me his jacket, and a quick kiss, before he headed to the bar. I told him not to get too drunk until I got back, but who even knew with him. He went crazy for free alcohol… as did I. It was awkward taking so many pictures with David by my side. But, he and I were civil, and as promised, I was there for him during the hard times with his mother. She was currently getting treatment, and so far she seemed to be responding well. There haven’t been any new tumors, and most of the original ones were gone or shrinking. We definitely had high hopes for her, and his family seemed to he doing quite well all things considered. Alec was also surprisingly cool about my role in David's life; after I explained it all, he understood and supported me being there for him as a friend. Albeit a distant friend- but
Last Updated : 2024-01-04Toxic Paradise 1| Is This Rock Bottom?
The internet defines a toxic relationship as "any relationship [between people who] don't support each other, where there's conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there's competition, where there's disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness." The problem is... sometimes there's excitement in competition. Sometimes the disrespect and lack of support just makes you want someone more. Sometimes, the passion and intense feelings outweigh the negatives. It's easy to say you'd never find yourself in one of these relationships. I never thought I would find myself wanting someone's attention so badly; wanting to be liked by them despite toxic fights. Most of all, being the one to see the potential in that other person, and wanting so badly to be the one to save them. ********* Tonight is the night... I thought to myself. I set down my curling wand on my tiny bathroom countertop in my one-bedroom apar
Last Updated : 2023-11-10Toxic Paradise 2| No. THIS is Rock Bottom
Everything felt like a haze around me. It was like I heard the words, but my poor brain couldn't process what had just happened to me. I saw David reach out a hand and hover it towards me as he spoke, "Jeez; Jay, you broke your wine glass! Are you okay? Did you cut yourself?" I completely ignored him as I spoke my next words. "I'm sorry... What? You can't be serious. I don't think I heard you right." "Jay... I—," David tried to explain before I cut him off. "Because if I heard you right, it sounded like you just said you want to break up, which would be insane considering there wasn't anything wrong in our relationship to begin with." "Jayna, listen to me. It's not you. It's—," I put up a hand to silence him and felt tears forming in my eyes that I refused to let spill over. "Don't you dare. Don't you fucking give me that cheesy 'it's not you it's me' bullshit. It must be me, because I still want to be with you, and you don't want to be with me, so it's clearly something wrong w
Last Updated : 2023-11-10Toxic Paradise 3| What I Know
As I walked through the streets of Chicago with a small box of crap from my desk, I felt almost like a zombie; like my physical body was there, but my brain was a million miles away. I wasn't even crying anymore... I just felt empty; like I didn't have anything going for me anymore. I had lost David. He was the man that I planned to spend the rest of my life with, and now he was gone. The shock of losing him led me to having an emotional outburst at work; not that anything I said wasn't true, but it was definitely unprofessional. However, if I was being honest, I wasn't too upset about losing that specific job, more just upset about being fired in general. Oh, and the timeline; it really sucked to lose my boyfriend and job within 24 hours. I wasn't sure where I was going as I let my thoughts wander. I supposed I should have headed home to sleep or to think about everything; perhaps have a good cry and talk to Maddie. However, there was a part of me that just didn't want to come to t
Last Updated : 2023-11-10Toxic Paradise 4| Face the Facts
The obnoxious ringing of my phone woke me from my deep sleep, and I knew instantly that my hangover would be an absolute killer.You'd think after all I'd been through the past two days, my dreams would have revolved around my current situation. However, my dreams were centered around me chugging water... which is how I knew it was going to be bad.My phone continued to ring as I blinked one eye open. Who was calling me this early on a Saturday? I was fairly certain I didn't set an alarm; I had no obligations anymore anyway.I let the caller go to voicemail, knowing I certainly couldn't answer until I got my hangover under control. I pulled my covers over my throbbing head, attempting to block the morning sun that was streaming in from my window.My foggy memories from last night flooded back one by one. First, I realized that I opened my unusually large mouth at work, and word-vomited all of my feelings onto my very scary boss. I inwardly cringed at myself and took a moment to wallow
Last Updated : 2023-11-19Toxic Paradise 5| Am I Being Crazy?
“Jay, don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit. What the hell happened to you? David isn't talking to us either; it's like you both just fell off the face of the earth," Maddie said as she took a dainty sip of her iced tea.I took a giant gulp of my mimosa, polishing it off before setting my glass on the table. I took the sleeve of my sweater and swiped it across my mouth in a completely unladylike fashion before replying. "Yeah... about that; David dumped me."Maddie's eyes immediately widened to the point I thought they would pop out of her head. "He what!? That bastard. Why?! You two seemed perfect together."I let out a sound somewhere between a snort and a laugh. "Yeah well, apparently we weren't. Don't feel bad for not knowing though; I didn't either.""Excuse me," Maddie called over to our server, "I'm going to need a mimosa as well; heck, can we just get a bottle of champagne over here please? Thanks.""Would you like to just do bottomless?" Our server asked as he
Last Updated : 2023-11-22
Latest chapter
Toxic Paradise Epilogue (pt. 2)
Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend much time with Alec between the wedding and dinner, since the wedding party had to take pictures. I was able to see him just long enough for him to give me his jacket, and a quick kiss, before he headed to the bar. I told him not to get too drunk until I got back, but who even knew with him. He went crazy for free alcohol… as did I. It was awkward taking so many pictures with David by my side. But, he and I were civil, and as promised, I was there for him during the hard times with his mother. She was currently getting treatment, and so far she seemed to be responding well. There haven’t been any new tumors, and most of the original ones were gone or shrinking. We definitely had high hopes for her, and his family seemed to he doing quite well all things considered. Alec was also surprisingly cool about my role in David's life; after I explained it all, he understood and supported me being there for him as a friend. Albeit a distant friend- but
Toxic Paradise Epilogue (pt. 1)
6 months had passed since that night at my apartment. I still couldn't believe how fast the 6 months had gone by since Alec and I decided to officially be together. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this could have been the best 6 months of my life. For the first few months, Alec and I had a long distance relationship, and honestly, it wasn't always easy. I loved Alec, but he still knew how to push my buttons just as he always had, and I couldn't help but get under his skin sometimes too. The distance made this even more irritating since we were getting plenty of the banter and not enough of the physical connection.Sometimes, I would think that the distance was just too much, but then, he would show up at my apartment. He always had the timing perfect. It was like, when I was feeling like I needed him, he was always there. Maybe he felt the same way about me too in those moments; I liked to believe we were connected in that way. Occasionally, if he had to work, he would fly me o
Toxic Paradise 68| Worth Fighting For
Oh god, I freaked out, pushing against Alec's chest to move him further into the hallway... this was the worst timing ever. I followed him out, my hand still on his chest as I closed the door behind me. "Alec... what are you doing here?" I managed to ask. My heart was thudding so hard in my chest I was starting to worry about my health. It had been less than 2 weeks since I left Siesta Key, but damn... I missed him so much. He was so handsome, and as per usual, he smelled so good; so familiar. I just wanted to throw my arms around him and forget about our fight; forget about the fact that he walked away from me; and forget about the fact that David was down on one knee just on the other side of my door. But, the angry and confused look on Alec's face stopped me from doing what I wanted. "Well..." he said, "I guess it doesn't really matter why I'm here now." "Of course it matters!" I said, "Should I ask David to leave?" All I wanted in this moment was to have him tell me "yes." I
Toxic Paradise 67| Mistakes
As David sauntered into my place, I couldn't help but to be irritated by how easily he made himself comfortable. He shrugged off his jacket, took off his shoes, and headed right to the couch as if he was welcome here; as if he was still my boyfriend. The most irritating part, was how he patted an open palm on the couch cushion beside him, inviting me to sit down, as if it wasn't my own freaking couch!I took a deep breath to push back my irritation before wandering into the living room. Instead of sitting beside him though, I perched awkwardly on the arm of the couch on the way opposite side, plopping my fluffy, bunny-slipper, feet right onto the cushion. I crossed my hands over my chest as I waited for him to say something. There was an awkward moment of silence as we just stared at each other. Normally, I would have swooned at that look. The one he was giving me right now used to be one of my favorites. That was one of my favorite things about David. When he looked at me, he made m
Toxic Paradise 66| Alec (pt. 2)
Alec’s POV:I relayed my entire story, the way I had when I was with Jayna that night in her bed. If I was being honest- it was a lot easier to tell Jayna than it was for me to tell my story right now. Telling Ryan was brutal; he listened, but I could see the hurt on his face. He felt betrayed by our parents—his dad in particular. I never wanted to hurt Ryan- that’s why I had hid everything from him all these years. "Wow... for once I honestly don't know what to say," Ryan finally replied."I told you. This is why I didn't want to say anything. You work with your dad. The two of you have been close your entire life, and I don't want to get in the way of that,” I explained, leaning back in my chair as if a heavy weight had just been lifted from my shoulders. "Yeah... I'm not gonna lie, it hurts to realize that the man you've looked up to your entire life is nothing but a giant asshole. But... I'm also pissed as hell that you felt you couldn't tell me this before!" "I..." I tried to
Toxic Paradise 65| Alec (pt. 1)
Alec's POV:"Fucking idiots," I thought as I had to tell my co-worker that his microphone was muted for the 10th time today.In his defense, everything had been pissing me off lately. I had gotten home over a week ago and still, Jayna was on my mind constantly. It was irritating as hell. I couldn't stop thinking about her scent, the feel of her small body safe in my arms, and the crazy thoughts that came out of her mouth. I tried everything to move on, and I thought it would be easy, but it hasn't been. I was even having trouble with sex... and I never had trouble with sex. I had tried multiple times and with several women, but I just couldn't get turned on. Even some of my regular hook-ups just weren't doing it for me any more; not unless I pretended they were Jayna.And it pissed me off. I knew she was probably back with her ex...whatever the fuck his name was...Dean? Derek? Dipshit? I supposed it didn't really matter. What mattered was that he probably had his undeserving hands
Toxic Paradise 64| Alone Together
I cried the rest of the night. As I packed the rest my stuff, the vacation house felt so different. It didn't have the inviting warmth and fun atmosphere that it had when Ryan was here; or the intimacy that I felt here alone with Alec. It just felt cold, empty, and impersonal.I couldn't believe that after all of this, after everything that has happened, I was leaving paradise feeling more broken and humiliated than when I arrived. It was a long, depressing flight back, but I finally made my way up the stairs and back to my familiar apartment. It's crazy how living in Chicago, you could be surrounded by tons of people, yet feel so incredibly alone. That's how I felt. Completely alone... again. I wheeled my suitcase through my apartment, which Maddie had been taking care of for me, so it actually was clean and warm when I arrived. I stopped for a minute to look out at the Chicago skyline, taking a deep breath before heading into my bedroom. I left my suitcase in the corner and out
Toxic Paradise 63| Text From the Ex (pt. 2)
Dinner was phenomenal. I'm talking 3 course, fancy drinks, beautiful presentation... phenomenal. At this point, I'd say the only downfall was that it's impossible to feel sexy with a literal food baby. I named him Trevor. Alec and I were in his bed now, my head laying on his warm chest while his hand lazily brushed the bare skin on my arm. "I don't want you to leave tomorrow," he said, breaking the silence."I know," I let out a sigh. "I don't want to go home tomorrow either, but I need to. It's time I get my life back on track." He smiled, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. "As long as I get to be a part of that life from now on." I sat up, leaning down to plant another kiss on his full lips. "Well, that's a given." I placed a palm on his chest, pushing myself up and off the bed. "I'll be back. I need to pee." He chuckled. "So ladylike you are." I took my time in the bathroom, trying to make up for my food baby by finger combing my hair and applying some of Alec's chapstick.
Toxic Paradise 62| Text From the Ex (pt. 1)
The days following our little road trip were great, and dare I say, some of the best days of my life. We had returned back to the house the next day, and our days had been full of beach time, swimming, and napping, followed by nights of hot tubbing, dining, and snuggling. Oh... and of course the sex. The mind blowing sex was definitely a huge part of our time together. Despite everything negative that Alec and done and said to me back when we were feuding, he really was sweet now. He always put me first, and I could feel myself slowly chipping away at the walls he had built up over the years. Each night we spent together, he revealed more and more of himself, and really, I couldn't ask for more than that. He was trying, and I could see the efforts. It even seemed like Alec was coming around to the idea of a relationship. I didn't want to get ahead of myself, but the way things were going with us, I couldn't help but see a future with him. Albeit a way different future than the one I
