4| Face the Facts

The obnoxious ringing of my phone woke me from my deep sleep, and I knew instantly that my hangover would be an absolute killer.

You'd think after all I'd been through the past two days, my dreams would have revolved around my current situation. However, my dreams were centered around me chugging water... which is how I knew it was going to be bad.

My phone continued to ring as I blinked one eye open. Who was calling me this early on a Saturday? I was fairly certain I didn't set an alarm; I had no obligations anymore anyway.

I let the caller go to voicemail, knowing I certainly couldn't answer until I got my hangover under control. I pulled my covers over my throbbing head, attempting to block the morning sun that was streaming in from my window.

My foggy memories from last night flooded back one by one. First, I realized that I opened my unusually large mouth at work, and word-vomited all of my feelings onto my very scary boss. I inwardly cringed at myself and took a moment to wallow as I pushed back my recurring waves of nausea. I now had no job. Even though the job was admittedly shitty, I still couldn't help but feel that my 3 years of work were completely wasted.

Speaking of wasted time, I momentarily forgot that my long-term relationship with David had, unfortunately, also come to an end. I had plans. I had the rest of my life planned out, and every scenario included myself, David, 3 children, a house in the suburbs, and perhaps a small, fluffy dog.

Not anymore.

Now, all I could envision for my future was living alone, in a shitty one-bedroom apartment, that I could only afford from the tip money I could make serving, or stripping, or what-have-you.

"Oh fuck..." I groaned, rolling onto my side.

I supposed for now, though, I could also envision myself in Siesta Key with my new buddy, Ryan. Through everything that happened the last few days, Ryan had been a bright spot. He knew exactly what I needed... to get away.

Thinking of Ryan, and our upcoming trip, gave me the motivation that I needed to get up and moving. Despite the raging hangover, I had a lot that I needed to get done today. After all, we were going to leave tomorrow, and I had no vacation clothes.

*******

The entire time I was in the shower, I could hear my phone ringing in the other room. Admittedly, I probably should have at least checked it beforehand, but my eyes hurt too bad. Also, I was a little nervous of what I might find.

Essentially, I was off the grid for almost 48 hours. I knew I'd have to face reality sooner or later, but I was ashamed of everything that had happened with work, and I was crushed about what happened with David. I didn't want to admit to anybody either situation.

As the hot water cascaded over my body, I pondered how I would break the news to Maddie, or even worse, to my mother.

My mom and I were extremely close. However, my upbringing wasn't exactly typical, which is why I was terrified to ever disappoint her.

My birth mother was a drug addict, and she was very young when she had me. Most of my memories from my early years have been repressed, but as I've been told, my mom over-dosed with me in the room when I was 4. My birth father was never really around to begin with, but after my mother died, he disappeared forever without giving me a second thought.

I spent a year in foster care, until my mother and her husband adopted me. I don't refer to her husband at the time as my father, because shortly after adopting me, he realized it wasn't what he wanted; I wasn't what he wanted.

My adoptive mother, on the other hand, had been struggling with fertility and was elated to have me. In the end, she chose me over her husband, which lead to a prompt divorce.

Never having a father figure in my life I'm sure did some damage; it wasn't even necessarily the lack of having a male role model, but it was feeling like I had been abandoned—twice. I hadn't had healthy relationships growing up because of my fear of abandonment, and it wasn't until David that I felt truly wanted, but now, he left me too.

Thinking back to my last conversation with him, these insecurities became evident. I remember asking David what I did wrong, why I wasn't enough, or what else did he need from me. In reality, it probably wasn't me, but trying to be perfect for everyone so that I never disappoint stems from my fear of being abandoned. In my mind, disappointment leads to abandonment.

I stood in the shower until the water turned cold. I knew I needed to face reality and call my mom; I knew she must have been worried after not hearing from me for 48 hours, and she didn't deserve that. I absolutely adored my mother. She has given me everything, and I owed her the world. It was because of her love and sacrifices that I believed I even turned out okay after everything.

After drying off and slipping into my robe, I wandered into my living room, phone in hand.

I sat on my sofa, looking at the many missed calls and texts from my mom and Maddie, and I felt a pang in my heart at having worried them.

Here goes nothing.

Just as I was about to call, my phone lit up with yet another incoming call from my mother. I answered on the second ring. I guess I'd be speaking with her first.

"Hi mom," I greeted.

"Honey! Thank goodness I got ahold of you. I have been so worried; I was one more missed call away from calling the police! Maddie texted me yesterday saying she couldn't get ahold of you, and I tried calling David, and he said he wasn't sure where you were! Are you okay? Where have you been?" She rambled frantically on the other end of the line.

"I'm sorry mom... I'm going to call Maddie once I'm off the phone with you, but I'm sorry for worrying you. I just have a lot going on right now and honestly, I didn't know what to say to anyone," I admitted.

"Oh sweetie! Well, I'm glad you're safe. You know you can tell me anything, right?" She encouraged.

I took a deep breath; it was time the truth came out. "I got dumped... David left me, mom. I thought he was going to propose, but he dumped me instead."

"What!?" My mom exclaimed in shock, "Can it be fixed!?"

"No, mom... we're over." I felt a pang in my chest at my admission. "He um... he met someone else."

"Oh no... oh Jay, I am so so sorry."

I took a deep breath, "Believe it or not, it gets worse."

"I'm listening," she said calmly.

"I got fired from my job yesterday. Without going into specifics... It was kind of my own fault," I admitted, preparing for a lecture.

"Oh no... what happened?" She asked, her tone more understanding than accusing.

"Ya know? I'd really rather not say."

I heard my mom let out a sigh on the other end. "You're an adult, Jayna, it's fine if you don't want to tell me. If you got fired, I'm sure it was for a good reason; you hated your job, sweetie. You're a great journalist, but I haven't seen you write anything since you graduated. You'll find a job that suits you more. It's just a job, and it can be replaced."

I felt my eyes welling up with tears—she was right, and I appreciated her support.

"And as for David," she continued, "I'm sorry that happened, but I can only assume that was also for the best. You guys just weren't meant to be. Your future husband is out there somewhere... David just wasn't it, and that's okay."

"I really thought he was though, mom..." I said with a small sob.

"I know baby; trust me, I've been in your same situation. But you know what? You're young, beautiful, and have a great personality. David wasn't the one, but I'm not worried about you one bit. You'll find him one day."

I sniffed, "Thank you, mom. I don't know why I was so nervous to tell you what happened. I'm sorry again for worrying you."

"It's okay, baby. Take some time and focus on yourself; I'm here if you need me."

"Thank you. I gotta talk to Maddie now; let her know I'm alright. I will call you later, okay?"

"Sounds good. I love you."

"Love you too," I responded before hanging up the phone.

I wiped away the tears that formed in my eyes. My mom always had a way of making me feel better.

After composing myself, I finally called Maddie. She answered on the first ring, and after an excessive amount of scolding me for worrying her sick, we decided to get brunch together. I had a lot of explaining to do, and she said she had some news of her own.

Besides, I would have killed for a mimosa.