The End

The End

I never felt this feeling before. Like after the rain, I am experiencing a rainbow now. Para akong nasa alapaap knowing that I am now on good terms with Emmarose.

On the other hand, Caius seems nice ever since na naging okay kami ni Emma. I didn't ask him to buy me food last time when he bought Emma's cravings, but he bought me food, too! Tuwing nagkakasabay rin kaming pumasok, Caius would always open the door for me. It's something that he has never done before for me.

Except sa mga taong nasa paligid ko, especially my family who treats me like a trash. With mere rumors my image was distorted from their perspective. As much as I want to clear it, nothing will ever happen when ears only listen to what they believe in.

Whatever. Masaya na ako kay Emma and Caius. They are enough.

I understand their relationship now. Emma is still into his ex-boyfriend, while Caius is very concerned to Emma since buntis ang kaibigan namin.

Naramdaman kong may kumalabit sa aking balikat. Nilingon ko ito at iniluwal si Caius na kunot ang noo umang-umaga.

Ngumiti ako kaagad. “Good morning!”

Napansin kong bahagyang humahaba ang kaniyang buhok. Some strands of his hairs are already blocking his forehead at abot na nito ang makapal niyang kilay. Natutusok nito nang bahagya ang mga mata ni Caius.

He didn't give me back a smile but he's still pogi in my eyes kahit mukha siyang masungit.

He tilted his head. “Immanuel, have you seen Emma?”

Bahagya akong napanguso. “I’m here.”

“No, I mean Emmarose.”

Sabay kaming naglakad papuntang room. Naglalakad kami sa gitnang koridor at pinagtitinginan at bulungan ng mga schoolmate.

I rolled my eyes at them. 

“Have you sent her a message?” Tanong ko habang nakatingin sa g’wapo niyang mukha kaysa sa dinaraanan.

They are such a nuisance.

Aside from his hair, his beard and mustache are slowly growing. Before, ang pangit sa paningin ko ng mga buhok niya sa mukha. Now, I found it manly. 

Kahit na hindi namin pinagtutuunan ng pansin ang mga tao sa paligid, I could still hear them saying bad things towards us. The issues are still fresh at kaonting kibot lang namin ni Caius ay kumakalat sa loob ng campus.

Hindi na kami pinatawag pa ulit sa guidance. Only those mere rumors are circulating around. Wala na kaming kontrol ni Caius sa pag-iisip nila.

Basta alam namin ang ginagawa namin. We're not even guilty of whatever their claims are.

“I sent her a message on Sunday afternoon but she hasn’t responded.”

“Baka pagod? You know?”

Pinagbuksan ako ni Caius ng pinto nang mariting ang classroom. Wala pa ang mga kaklase namin, kaming dalawa lang ngayon ang narito sa loob ng room.

Imbes na maupo ako sa p’westo namin ni Emma ay tinungo ko ang tabi ng upuan ni Caius at naki-upo sa tabi niya.

“She usually responds even though she’s tired…” Batid ko ang concern ni Caius sa kaniyang boses.

Inilapag niya rin ang bag sa upuan at tumabi sa akin. “Have you tried to miss call her?”

Umiling siya. “She usually responds to me para lang magpabili ng cravings niya. It’s just…” Malalim ang naging buntong hininga niya. “I’m really concerned. I hope she’s fine.”

“Baka kaya hindi ka na kinakausap kasi nagkabalikan sila ng ex niya?”

He gave me a warning look. Hindi ko maiwasang matawa sa naging reaksyon ni Caius.

Emma and her boyfriend splitted up for a petty reason: ayaw ng boyfriend niyang magka-anak at wala siyang pansustento. Niwala pa nga raw siyang work.

Asshole. Ningas-kugon ang kumag. Ang galing sa una pero kapag may responsibilidad natatanga na.

“Kung makaasta ka kasi parang ikaw ang jowa!” Biro ko. “But if they get back together, let’s leave them alone. Buhay na nila iyon. After all, siya naman ang tatay.”

I don't know much about now if they get back together. Labag man sa loob ko, pero para na rin kay Emma and sa baby nila, mananahimik na lang ako. 

“I don’t…” Napapikit si Caius. Sinandal niya ang likod sa upuan. “I don’t trust him, Immanuel.”

“He doesn’t trust you, too.” I said. “Hindi naman kasi ikaw ang boyfriend. Baka nga kaya nakipag-break iyong lalaki kasi binabakuran mo si Emma. Nandito naman ako.” Panlalandi ko sa kaniya.

He hissed at tinalikuran ako. “Shut up, brat.”

“Bakit mo ako tinalikuran?!” Pinilit kong paharapin ang malaking katawan ni Caius pero nahirapan ako.

I decided to stand up para lumipat ng upo sa kanang upuan niya. But when I sat, pinaling niya naman ang katawan sa kinauuupuan ko kanina bago ako lumipat dito.

Umirap ako. “You’re too dependent on Emma. Bakit ayaw mo na lang sa aking maging dependent?”

“I already told you that I like Emma.”

“Masyado kang lason. Matagal ka naman niyang binasted at sa akin ka pa nga ipinagkakatiwala!”

I heard him chuckled. “Kasi nakukulitan na rin siya sa’yo. Para matigil ka, she wants us to build rapport, which is something I don’t want to kasi hindi kita type.”

"Type mo kaya ako. Your ears are red whenever I tease you."

"Assumera ka?"

My eyes widened a bit. "I'm not! Ikaw? Denial ka ba?"

Nilingon niya ako. "What, denial?" He chuckled. "I said I don't like you."

"Pero lagi mo akong pinagbubuksan ng pinto at binibilhan ng pagkain. Anong hindi gusto roon?"

"Assumera.”

“Kung assumera ako, e di ano? What was that for?”

Caius was about to answer my question nang biglang bumukas ang pinto ng room at iniluwal nito si Emma. Like usual, her body becomes fatter because she usually eats every now and then.

“Good morning…” She greeted us with a low mood.

Tumayo si Caius at dinaluhan siya. “Are you alright?”

"Oo, Caius. Tulog nga ako nang tulog, e. Kanina ko lang nabasa ang message mo…"

Umirap ako. Sana ganiyan niya rin ako tratuhin.

“See? I told you, she’s fine.” I said bitterly.

Hindi ako pinansin ni Caius. Inalalayan niya lamang si Emma sa pag-upo at noong tinaboy ng kaibigan, bumalik siya sa akin.

Emma was fine throughout the class but I could sense that she wanted sleep. And like always, Caius would buy us food and drinks.

Wala na akong hihilingin pa kung ganito ako kalapit kay Caius. Ako na ang pinakamasayang babae ngayon kasi ito ang gusto ko. Lahat ng negatibo ko ay napalitan ng positibo dahil sa pagiging malapit ko sa kaniya.

I want it and I really like it.

Mainggit lahat ng mga babaeng nagkakagusto sa kaniya kasi lagi akong binibilhan ni Caius ng pagkain.

"Salamat, ha?" Si Emma nang makapasok sa kotse nila.

Tumango ako. "Ingat!"

Tumaas ang dalawang sulok ng kaniyang labi at inangat ang bintana ng sasakyan nila.

Nilingon ko ang katabi kong si Caius na tinatanaw pa rin ang kotse ni Emma. I followed his vision line and saw the car becoming small in my perspective hanggang sa tuluyan na itong nawala.

“Hatid mo ba ako?”

Naunang maglakad palabas ng parking lot si Caius. “No.” He said with finality.

I pouted. “Kahit ngayon lang?”

“I said, no. Matuto kang tanggapin na kapag ayaw ng tao, ayaw. Huwag mong ipilit ang gusto mo, Immanuel.”

Bahagya akong tumakbo para mahabol ang kaniyang paglalakad. I hold both of his wrists nang mapahinto sa kaniyang tapat.

I looked up at him and he looked me down.

“Kung hindi ko mapipilit ang gusto kong ihatid mo ako sa amin, okay lang naman kung ikaw na lang pilitin ko?”

Napahilot siya ng sentido. “Your common sense…” Bulong niya.

“Come on, Caius. Hatid lang ulit!”

Umiling lamang si Caius, halatang nauubusan na ng pasensya sa akin.

“No, Immanuel. Ayaw ko na ulit ng issue. Tama ng nakikita tayo ng mga tao na magkasama nila Emma. I can’t stand a chance to be with you alone.”

I hissed. “At bakit? Takot ka sa issue?”

“You are running for honor and I don’t want your name to be ruined by just a mere issue. Besides, I don’t want my life to be the center of attention again.”

“I know. There are still eyes around us but heck. I can risk everything for you, Caius. Those were just honors in name, it won’t fill my heart—”

“I want a peaceful life, Imma.” He cutted me.

My eyes widened. “C-can you say it again?” Tanong ko, nanginginig ang mga labi.

“Say what?”

“You said my nickname!”

Saglit siyang napahinto. When he realized something, umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin. Kitang-kita ko kung gaano kapula ang tainga niya.

I chuckled. “Caius, bakit ka nga ba ulit namumula?” Pang-aasar ko. “Assumera ba talaga ako o denial ka lang talaga sa nararamdaman mo?”

“Shut up. You were mistaken. I said ‘Emma’ and not 'Imma.'"

“No, Caius! My two ears heard it right. You said ‘Imma!’”

“So?”

“So, what?” I giggled. “Gusto mo na ako, Caius! We can date naman. Hindi naman ako tatanggi!”

“Tss.” He hissed.

Hinugot ko ang aking phone mula sa pouch ng hoodie ko to look for a place for us. “I’ll book a restaurant. I want you to wear nice clothes.” I said, busy ang dalawang mata sa hawak kong phone. “Pero, I think whatever clothes you wear would be good. Just don’t wear the jologs outfit again.”

“I’m not going, Imma.”

Bahagya akong napahinto sa pag-scroll.

He called me Imma again!

Para akong tangang nangingiti habang nag-scroll sa phone. Ang sarap pakinggan tuwing tinatawag niya akong Imma. Dati Immanuel lang. Ngayon level up kami ng isang baitang: Imma.

Baka next time baby na ang itawag ni Caius sa akin.

Ibinaba ko ang phone ng walang makitang restaurant na gusto ko para sa first date namin. I want it to be special. I will drain all the assets given to me just so I can spend my first date with Caius memorable. Bahala na if my parents will find out about it.

“Kailangan mong pumunta. It will be our first date, Caius.”

“Ayaw ko nga.”

“Bakit ba? It’s just a date!” I said, pointing out what I wanted. “Masama bang i-date ako?”

“You don’t understand, Imma. A lot of people are still talking about us dahil hanggang ngayon mainit na usapan pa rin ‘yon. Isa pa, we are still being monitored hanggang sa makapagmartsa tayo ngayong summer. I don’t want you to risk your academic achievements for me.”

“You don’t want me to risk my academic achievements for you?” Napailing ako. “My mother wanted me to achieve academic success, but you know what? I realized I was being caged with her own dreams. Samantalang ako, I realize what I want in life. It’s different from what she wants me to be.”

Umiling si Caius. He rubs his temporalis at bahagyang natatawa. There’s nothing amusing to what I said, kung ano man ang ikinatutuwa niya ay hindi ko alam.

“I want to be your housewife.” Dugtong ko.

Caius bursts into laughter.

Hindi ko maiwasang mapakunot ng noo. “What’s funny, Caius?”

“Fuck, Imma. Nababaliw ako sa’yo!” He laughed.

“Nakakatawa ba iyon?”

“You want to be my what?”

Umiwas ako ng tingin as I felt my cheeks burning hot. “Housewife nga…” Mahinang bulong ko. “Masama bang maging housewife mo?”

Ngumisi lamang siya. “Is that what you really want to be?”

I nodded. “Oo nga, Caius. Basta ikaw.”

He chuckles again. “If you really wanna date me, I want an exclusive date. Walang iba, tayo lang.”

Nanlaki ang aking mga mata. “Payag ka na?”

“Ayaw ko sa restaurant.”

Ngumisi ako. “Bibigay ka rin pala, e.”

Sa tagal kong pangungulit, this was the first time Caius agreed to date me. SIguro unti-unti niya na akong nagugustuhan. He finally saw my worth.

Sinarado ko ang pinto ng kwarto pagkauwi. Initsa ko ang bag sa tabi ng kama ko and I landed on my comfy bed. Kinuha ko ang unan at ibinaon ang aking mukha para sumigaw sa kilig.

I dialed my best friend’s number while my emotions are still at peak. Hindi ko ito dapat palampasin. Emma needs to know about this!

“Kinikilig ako!” Sigaw ko sa kabilang linya. “We’re gonna have a date!”

Paikot-ikot ako sa kama habang suot pa rin ang uniporme at hoodie ko. My phone is on my ears while listening to the next line.

“Saan naman?”

“Ayaw niya raw sa restaurant. Where do you think is the best place to date?”

“Bakit mo ako tinatanong? Hindi ba expert ka riyan? Marami kang na-meet up na mga lalaki, right?”

“Ha? May sinasabi ka?” Biro ko. “Wala akong marinig. Ano ‘yon? End call ko na?”

“End call mo. Kukulitin mo pa rin naman ako hanggang chat.”

Natawa ako. “Yeah, right!” I agreed. “Do you think it’s romantic if we can have a movie date?”

I heard movie dates are very popular among teens. Marami akong naririnig sa mga blockmate and as well across social media posts that movie dates are good. One thing that spice up the date is making out. Wala raw makakakita kung sa dulo uupo.

It is risky, though. As much as I want to do that with Caius, alam kong hindi rin siya papayag because of the issue between us.

Movie date is nice but I don’t think we will enjoy it.

“Nag-move date na kayo ng mga ex mo ‘di ba?”

Umirap ako kahit alam kong hindi makikita ni Emma sa kabilang linya ang ikot ng mga mata ko. “But Caius is special! Gusto kong maging memorable ang first date namin.”

“Caius isn’t picky. Kahit saan mo siya dalhin, papayag ‘yon.”

“E, ayaw niya nga sa restaurant.” I pouted.

“Picnic date?”

“No way! It’s too hot in the Philippines! Ayaw kong mangitim, ‘no!”

I heard her laugh. “Ewan ko sa’yo. I-date mo na lang sa kanto. Mahilig naman ‘yon sa mga street food!”

Nagliwanag ang aking mukha. “He likes street food?”

I barely enjoy street food because I find the dipping sauce disgusting. Unless the stall look clean, though.

“Yeah. He’s fond of adidas.”

Tumawa ako. “Bibilhan ko siya niyan!”

I bought Caius the latest Adidas. Hindi ko alam ang sukat ng paa niya pero bumase na lamang ako sa memorya ko noong gusto niya akong pahiramin ng pangit niyang tsinelas.

It’s Sunday. I texted Caius to meet him near his place where there were lots of street vendors.

Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang orasan sa smart phone ko.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

I've been waiting for almost three hours now. The sun had already set and the dark covered the entire world. Only the lights from the lamp posts and stalls give lights on the street.

Maraming tao sa paligid na namimili ng mga pagkain sa mga magkabilaang food stall kahit tapos na ang dinner time.

Kumalam ang sikmura ko nang makaamoy ng mabangong aroma ng pagkain. Sa dami ng food na narito hindi ko na alam kung ano ang amoy na iyon.

Yumuko ako as I felt some people are staring at me. Hawak ko ang isang plastik na may tatak ng adidas. I bought him his favorite Adidas, just like what Emma said.

I checked my phone again. Nauubusan na ako ng pasensya. Hanggang ngayon wala pa ring reply or seen si Caius.

Pumikit ako nang mariin. He agreed to date me! Bakit wala siya ngayon?

I felt a raging storm within my heart. Ginagago niya ba ako? I expected him to come, but there was no sign of him showing up after several hours of waiting.

Bahagyan nangingilid ang mata ko, hindi sa lungkot, but because of anger when I saw him walking towards our classroom while holding the strap of his bag. Before he could reach for the doorknob of our classroom, kaagad ko siyang hinatak papunta sa rooftop.

“Bakit hindi mo ako sinipot?!” Bungod ko pagkabitaw ko sa kaniyang palapulsuan. “Parang tanga naman, Caius. I waited for you until the street shops closed. Walang Caius na sumupot sa akin pagkatapos akong pangakuan!”

“I never promised to date you.”

Napaawang ang aking mga labi.

“Then…” Napalunok ako. “What was that for? Pinapaasa mo lang ako?”

He rubbed the tip of his nose. “Imma, did you do something stupid again?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Nalilito kong tanong. “Sagutin mo ang tanong ko Caius. Huwag mong ibahin ang usapan.”

“I don’t have time for your whims. I just want to know the truth!”

“Hindi ko alam ang pinagsasabi mo, Caius. Kung ano man ‘yan, wala akong alam d’yan. I was busy yesterday before our date kasi bumili ako ng Adidas shoes mo. I heard it’s your favorite.”

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Adidas?”

Tumango ako. “The shoes.”

“Oh, God!” He sounded pleading. Napahilamos siya ng kaniyang mukha. He didn’t say anything while staring at me.

I wonder what made him react like that. Hindi niya ba gusto ang Adidas? Emma said he likes it. Bakit ganiyang ang reaksyon niya? I don’t understand him well.

“Don’t make it hard for me, Imma. I know you’re just playing around. Stop acting innocent. Alam kong ikaw ang may puno’t dulo ng lahat.”

My forehead creased. “Pinagsasabi mo? I don't even know what you're saying, and why the hell do I care what happened? Like, hell! Anong alam ko riyan? Ang akin lang, bakit hindi mo ako sinipot?”

“Because Emma’s family learned about her baby and was rushed to the hospital!”

Tumigil ang aking mundo sa narinig. My heart dropped as I heard that my best friend is at the hospital, and her family knew about the baby. Truly, nothing can be hidden in this world.

I gulped. Nangingibabaw ang kagustuhang pag-usapan ang tungkol sa amin kaysa sa iba.

“It was you, right?”

“Caius, let’s not talk about Emma now. Let’s talk about us.” I insisted. Naramdaman ko na ang panginginig ng buong katawan ko. “B-bakit… hindi mo ako sinipot?”

Hindi siya kumibo. He looks like he’s calming himself.

“It’s o-okay if we missed the chance f-for our first date…” I said, almost a whisper. “Wh-when are you free? I… I can free my time f-for you…”

“No, Imma. My answer will always be a no.”

I chuckled. I used all my strength to show him that I’m strong. Pinalis ko ang iilang luhang tumulo sa aking mga pisngi.

“Come on! Play with me, Caius! You're gonna date me, the famous, prettiest, and sexiest student of Maple University."

He looked at me directly in my eyes and I could tell disgusts written all over his face. "I don't play dirty, Immanuel."

"Bakit? Kasi si Emma pa rin? She already turned you down."

"You're ego-centric. I don't like you. Sa kasagsagan ng emergency ng kaibigan mo, sarili mo pa rin ang iniisip mo, Immanuel?"

"Can we just think of ourselves first? Bawal ba iyon?” Naiirita kong tanong. “Oh, sige! Pag-usapan natin ang tungkol kay Emma. What now?"

"What do you mean with 'what now?' Alam nating dalawa na ikaw ang nagpakalat no'n! Dalawa lang tayong pinagkakatiwalaan niya!"

"Fuck, Caius! I already told you, hindi ako marumi maglaro! Gusto kita, oo, but I'm not petty enough to stoop that low!"

Caius shook his head. Umiwas siya ng tingin sa akin, looking far away from where we are standing.

"Caius, hindi ako—"

"Stop, Immanuel.” Natigil ako sa pagsasalita ng putulin niya ako. Caius pierced his eyes on me. “Stop lying. You can't fool me."

Do I look like I’m lying around? Ah, I guess he sees me as a dirty girl. I’m a brat who wants to get everything even with dirty means. That’s how Caius perceives me.

"I'm not fooling around. Or ikaw iyon? You fool yourself that you're going to date me but you really don't want to. Pero dahil sinabi ng taong gusto mo, ida-date mo ako."

Hindi siya umimik. Damn it. Bull's eye.

"Siya pa rin?" Ilang segundo bago siya dahan-dahang tumango.

Napapikit ako. Aside from his words, his silence really has its way to tear me apart. Like a piece of paper, it’s torn apart in every piece. Like a glass fell on the ground, it’s broken.

I really like Caius. I really do.

Many times he rejected me and many times I gathered every piece of me and pulled every courage to face him because I’m not used to rejection. Pero sa kahit anong pagpipiraso niya sa puso ko, every piece of my broken heart will always have its feelings for him.

Akala ko may pag-asa ako. Wala pala. Hindi lumaban si Emma sa akin pero talo ako. Wala akong laban sa taong hindi naman lumaban in the first place.

Gano’n ako kahina kay Caius. Hindi ko siyang magawang maging akin.

I gulped as I slowly opened my teary eyes. I slowly bend my knees until they reach the cold ground floor.

"What are you doing, Immanuel?!"

Damang-dama ng pagkabilaang tuhod ko ang malamig na sahig. Pinagmasdan ko ang maganda at itim niyang sapatos. It’s not the usual bulldog shoes anymore. It's normal black shoes for boys.

Things really have changed.

“Immanuel!”

Tumingala ako sa kaniya. As I looked at him, I could see his eyebrows forming a line with his forehead creased. Kahit galit si Caius ang g’wapo niya pa rin.

"Please, believe me. Wala akong kinalaman sa pagpapakalat tungkol kay Emma…"

Hindi nagsalita si Caius.

“I won’t do it, Caius. Hindi ako gano’ng tao. If you asked me to keep a secret, hanggang mamatay ako hindi ko ‘yan ipagkakalat. I swear, wala akong alam…”

I was about to hold onto his legs but Caius turned his back. Naiwan ang kamay ko sa ere.

“Get up, Imma. I’m not gonna pick you up. I already did my part in your play. I’m done with your acts. You are nothing but a brat in my eyes.”

The hotel and restaurant are just in front of the beach. There’s a lot of people, specifically tourists, here since it’s summer already and vacation month.

“Mind if I sit next to you?” A voice of a man behind my back.

“I’m not interested.” I said with my nonchalant voice without looking at him.

Probably just one of the random foreigners who wants to hit me up. I was usually asked by foreigners whenever I set my feet out of my room, but none of them caught my attention even though most of them are good looking.

I’m only wearing a black two piece swimsuit and a white sarong wrapped around my waist habang nakaupo sa tabing dagat. The small waves are getting their ways to wet my feet but not entirely my lower extremities lying on the fine sands.

I get it now. People see things differently and they will either like or dislike me. If they like me, it’s probably just for a show or because they want something from me. Perhaps, when it comes to romance, boys only like me because I have a pretty face, but they actually don’t like who I really am.

I saw things differently. Akala ko gusto nila ako because I am me.

I was wrong all along.

My bare feet could feel the fine sand and the water on the shore.

Huiminga ako nang malalim when I noticed that it will only take time until everything is dark. The clouds are a mix of orange, purple, and yellow.

I choose to go back to my room.

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad palayo. As soon as I realized to watch the beauty of sunset, luminga ako para sulyapan ito.

The sun is slowly being devoured by the ocean’s horizon and the hues over the sky are slowly turning into dark.

Napangisi ako.

I really can’t have everything in life, even if it means playing dirty or not.

And that was how everything ended. The Imma they knew has died ever since then.