Marriage and Hatred

"I want to be on your wedding day, hija. Ikaw ang nag-iisa kong apo at alam mo naman na pangarap ko'ng makita ka na suot ang wedding gown ng Lola mo. That's my last and greatest wish. Hindi mo ba talaga kayang ibigay 'yon sa'kin?"

Napayuko lamang ako para iwasan ang puno ng emosyon na expresyon ni Lolo. Ilang buwan ako'ng hindi bumisita dito sa ospital dahil alam ko na ito ang sasabihin nya. He's old and weak, kaya naman nag-lakas loob ako na puntahan sya dito dahil ayaw ko na magsisi sa huli. My grandfather is a very important person to me. Kaya nga lang, hindi ko alam kung paano tutuparin ang hiling nya.

In our family, we have a tradition. Kapag tumungtong na ang unang babaeng anak sa pamilya nang legal age, kaylangan nya na mag-pakasal. But I never thought that I had to follow that tradition. Sabi kasi ni Mommy hindi ko na kaylangan sundin 'yon since we're now living in the 21st century. But since Lolo suddenly got sick at age 83, he want me to marry a man so he can witness my wedding day. My Lolo's illness is now fatal. Sobrang nasasaktan ako dahil sa katotohanan na 'yon pero kaylangan ko magpakatatag. I need to get ready emotionally.

And the thing is, my Lolo want me to marry someone as soon as possible. 'Yon lang daw ang hiling nya para payapa syang makarating sa kabilang-buhay. But how could I do that? I am still 18 for God's sake. Kaka-debut ko nga lang last three months. Hindi ko talaga inaasahan na mangyayari 'to. I don't even have a boyfriend!

Napangiti na lang ako at tumango-tango sa kanya. I can't say no now because it can affect Lolo's health. Ayoko namang mangyari 'yon. As I said earlier, Lolo is very important to me. He's the one who took care of me ever since I was a kid.

"Just wait, Lolo. A wedding will be held soon..."

Agad namang nag-aliwalas ang mukha ni Lolo. He smiled so wide and I know how happy he was.

Kaya nga lang, I don't know if I can fulfil his wish. I just said yes because I don't want him to be unhappy.

My grandfather did everything to make me happy when I was younger. It's now my time to pay him back. And if I need to gamble everything even my happiness to repay his love and kindness, I will do it.

Hinintay kong makatulog si Lolo sa hospital's bed. Nakaramdam ako ng kirot sa puso habang pinapagmasdan syang nakahiga at payapang natutulog. He looks strong but also pitiful. Hindi ko inakalang sobrang bilis ng oras at inaamin ko'ng hindi pa ako handa para sa mga pagbabago na magaganap sa buhay ko balang araw.

I know that there's a lot of changes that will happen to my life soon. I also know that those changes will not give me happiness. But I already accepted that reality. I am not ordinary. I am a daughter of a half Japanese-Filipino business man na maraming kaartihan sa buhay. My mother is a famous fashion designer in Italy. Mahalaga ang pangalan na iniingatan ng mga magulang ko kaya naman bilang isang anak, hindi ako pwedeng gumawa ng kahit na anong pagkakamali.

Huminga ako nang malalim at lumabas na sa kwarto kung nasaan si Lolo. Pagkalabas na pagkalabas ko pa lang ay bumungad na sa'kin si Mommy at Daddy na nakaupo sa waiting area. Tumayo sila nang makita ako at halatang hinihintay nila ang susunod na sasabihin ko.

"What is your decision now, Geneviève Arabella? Do you finally accept your grandfather's request?" my furious father asked.

I looked at them without wearing any emotions. "Yes, father. That's Lolo's last wish and I want to fulfil it."

Nag-angat ang mukha nila pareho na para bang 'yon ang sagot na matagal na nilang hinihintay. Hindi man nila aminin, alam ko'ng gusto rin nila na maipakasal na ako para masundan pa rin ang tradisyon ng pamilya namin. 

"Then... You accept to marry Dion?" my mother asked while smiling brightly. 

My eyes narrowed because of what she said. Napakunot ang noo nila.

"What's with that face, Geneviève Arabella? I thought that you accepted your Lolo's wish!?" My father said, glaring at me. 

Huminga ako nang malalim bago magpatuloy. Some eyes are at us now. My family really have a habit getting attention from other people. "Father, I said that I accepted Lolo's request. But I never said that I will marry Dion. I don't want to marry a man I don't love and who will only cheat on me. A playboy like him will only ruin our family's name."

Totoong playboy ang lalaking gusto nilang ipakasal saakin and everyone knows that. Isa si Dion sa mga kilalang aktor sa Pilipinas at palagi itong nasasangkot sa mga issue. Pero dahil makapangyarihan ang pamilya nya, hindi pa rin nawawala ang kasikatan nya dahil na rin sa pagiging magandang lalaki nya at pagiging magaling nya sa pag-arte.

Actually, I don't really care if I marry someone I don't love. I just don't want my husband to have any mistress kahit na hindi ko sya mahal at hindi nya ko mahal. Ayoko lang na matulad kay Mommy na naging tanga kahit na buwan-buwang may dinadala si Daddy na ibang babae. If I am going to marry someone I don't love, I want him to not love any woman except me. He can love me if he want and maybe someday I can learn how to love that man too. Pero kung hindi naming magagawang mahalin ang isa't isa, I just want the both of us to focus on business without any other woman or other man in our lives.

Hindi ko papakasalan ang babaero na 'yon.

Mas nagkunot ang noo ni Daddy dahil sa sinabi ko. Sigurado ako'ng kung wala kami sa isang mataong lugar, kanina nya pa ako nasampal. "But you're bound to marry him ever since you were born. He is the only one who is a perfect fit to be your husband. Fvck that love. Masasanay ka rin sa presensya nya kapag tumira na kayo sa iisang bubong. If you're worried about other people finding out that he have a mistress, itatago namin 'yon--"

"I already have someone in my heart. That's the person I want to marry." 

My father's brows furrowed. "Love? What do you know about love? You're cold as ice! How can a person like you love someone?" 

"I am still a person. I maybe cold, but I still have emotions and feelings. That's why I'm telling it to you..." Bago pa nila ako murahin, nagpatuloy na ako sa pagsasalita. "I know that you will not let me marry other man. But what if I tell you that the man I'm talking about is more powerful and better than Dion? A man who have a bigger company and perfect for us?" I confidently spoke. Unti-unti namang nawala ang kunot ng noo ng tatay ko. 

Mata sa mata nya akong tiningnan. Walang sino man saamin ang naglakas-loob na umiwas ng tingin. Then, he told me to proceed.

...

Kinabukasan ng gabi, sinuot ko ang pinakamahal at pinakamagandang dress na nasa walk in closet ko. A royal blue halter dress that reached above my knees. I curled my hair to make it fabulous. I also wear light makeup to make myself look better.

I don't really like dressing up pero sa tingin ko kaylangan ko itong gawin ngayon. This is the night when I will propose to a man I like. I am beautiful. Mahaba ang itim na buhok, maputi ang kutis, matangkad at maganda ang hugis ng katawan. Maybe this beauty will make him say yes when I ask him to marry me.

Alam ko naman na ang lalaki dapat ang nagaaya sa babae magpakasal pero wala na ako'ng pakealam sa bagay na 'yon. I desperately need to marry him. Kung hindi sya ang mapapakasalan ko, mas pipiliin ko na lang mabuhay nang mag-isa. Pero hindi ako papayag na umayaw sya sa confession at proposal na gagawin ko dahil nangako ako kay Lolo.

Nandito ako sa isang restaurant. Nasa VIP room ako habang hinihintay ang lalaking maaring bumago ng buhay ko sa hinaharap. Nakatitig ako sa window glass at dahil nasa pinakamataas na floor ang VIP room, kitang-kita ko ang ganda ng syudad lalo na't gabi ngayon.

Ilang minuto lang ang hinintay ko bago dumating ang lalaking dahilan kung bakit ako nandito ngayon. He smiled and waved his hand at me when he saw me. 

Napatitig lamang ako sa kanya. He's wearing a black suit. Nakaayos rin ang buhok nya. He's a tall and masculine guy. Isa sya sa pinagpapantasyahan ng ibang mga kababaihan.

I met him when I was grade 11, last year. We're in the same class. Wala naman talaga ako'ng interest sa kanya no'ng una pero nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa kanya simula no'ng linapitan nya ako para makipag-kaibigan. Hindi ako pumayag no'ng una dahil hindi ko naman kaylangan ng kaibigan. He's always smiling in front of everyone and I find that annoying. Nagulat rin ako no'ng lumapit sya saakin kasi walang sino man ang gumawa no'n. 

That is what I did to this man at first. I ignored him so many times pero mapilit talaga sya. Hanggang sa dumating sa punto na nasanay na ako sa presensya nya at naging komportable na ako sa kanya. Dahil do'n, naging magkaibigan kami. 

At habang tumatagal, napansin ko ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. It's because of his warm smile that melted my cold heart. I love that warmth and I would love to feel his warmth forever.

Hindi ko naman binalak na umamin sa kanya. Hindi ko rin hiniling na magustuhan nya rin ako bilang isang babae. Sapat na sana saakin ang pagkakaibigan namin at ayoko'ng masira 'yon. 

Pero ngayon, nagbago na ang isip ko. He's the one I will marry. Sya lang naman kasi ang lalaking malapit saakin kaya kilala ko na sya. He is also from a wealthy and powerful family. He's intelligent and professional when it comes to business dahil business man rin ang ama nya. He will be perfect to be my husband. If I need to seduce him just to get what I want, I'll do it.

Umupo sya sa harapan ko habang may malawak na ngiti. "Thank you sa invitation mo. Nagulat ako nang yayain mo ako mag-dinner. Gusto mo kasing laging nagkukulong sa kwarto. Ano ba nakain mo?" .

Bahagya ako'ng napangiti. "I know it's surprising. There's a reason why I invited you to eat dinner with me. But first, let's eat."

It's obvious that my words made him curious. Pero kahit na nagtataka, tumango na lang sya at nagsimulang kumain.

Pagkatapos naming kumain, agad na syang nagtanong kung bakit ko sya in-invite mag-dinner ngayong gabi. Palagi nya kasi akong yinayaya lumabas noon bilang magkaibigan pero palagi akong umaayaw. 

"Ba't mo ko yinaya kumain sa labas? Kinakabahan tuloy ako kasi baka may sasabihin kang nakakatakot." he joked and chuckled.

I crossed my arms. "Drink your juice first. Sigurado ako'ng mabibigla ka sa sasabihin ko."

Ilang segundo sya natigilan. He nervously laughed but he did what I told him to. Ininom nya ang orange juice na nasa gilid nya.

Habang umiinom sya, huminga ako nang malalim bago magsalita. "I like you romantically. I want you to marry me as soon as possible." I said, very straight forward.

Nanlaki ang mga mata nya at dahil sa gulat, nabuga nya ang juice na naiinom nya. Napaubo sya nang ilang beses bago ako tiningnan. "What!? A-Ano'ng sinabi mo?"

"I said what I said. I want you to marry me."

Natulala sya nang ilang segundo saakin. Parang hindi nya maintindihan ang gusto ko'ng ipahiwatig sa kanya. Nakakunot ang noo nya at para bang hindi nya alam ang dapat nyang sabihin.

"Nagustuhan na kita last year. I love your warm smile. Hindi mo nahalata kasi hindi ko naman ipinahalata. And yes, I'm confessing now at nag-pro-propose ako sa'yo. So what's your answer?" I raised my eyebrow, waiting for him to answer.

Napayuko sya at doon na nagsimulang mapuno nang nakakabinging katahimikan ang paligid. I expected that he's going to react like this but I still feel uneasy.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know." he murmured. 

Natigilan ako dahil sa sinabi nyang 'yon. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at hindi nya magawang tumingin saakin. 

"It's a confession. Why are you sorry? I'm aware that you don't know my feelings for you. Don't apologize. So ano na? What's your answer?"

Muli syang natahimik. The silence is so breathtaking. 

Everybody never saw my emotions before because I'm always hiding it myself. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit kapag sya ang kaharap ko, para bang nanghihina ang puso't isipan ko.

I hate love, and I hate him because I fell in love with him. I never wanted to love him. Kung alam ko lang, sana hindi na ako pumayag na maging kaibigan sya. Pero huli na ang lahat dahil nahulog na ako sa patibong ng tadhana at pag-ibig.

"I... I don't like you. Sorry."

Napaiwas ako ng tingin dahil sa sinabi nya. Itinago ko ang nanginginig ko'ng kamay sa ilalim sa lamesa. I clenched my fist as my chest started to hammer because of pain. Unrequited love is so damn annoying.

Huminga ako nang malalim nang muli syang humingi ng patawad. Parehas kaming hindi makatingin sa isa't isa. The atmosphere in this place was so heavy.

He rejected me.

But as I planned, I will not give up. I will not marry anyone except him. 

"You shouldn't be sorry. Sa totoo lang, ako dapat ang humingi ng tawad." I looked at him. 

His brows creased because of confusion. "W-What do you mean?" 

"I have a feeling that you'll reject me. Now I need to proceed on my plan B."

Bago pa sya makatanong ng ibang bagay, unti-unti nang pumikit ang mga mata nya hanggang sa mawalan sya ng malay.

I bit my lips when I saw him lost his consciousness. Hinawakan ko ang didib ko na kumikirot ngayon sa sobrang sakit. I wanted to cry, but I promised myself I wouldn't.

It's painful. Pero itutuloy ko pa rin ang gagawin ko kahit alam ko'ng maari ako'ng magsisi sa huli.

And that night, I claimed Storm Rodriguez selfishly without him knowing it.