Coming to Terms

Feminine moans of pleasure crashed into the silence of Jacob’s room. He sprang forward to mute his computer audio. Hopefully, no one had heard. The naked woman looked longingly out of the screen at Jacob as she touched herself. He felt nothing. He almost felt sorry for her efforts, but he knew she either enjoyed what she was doing or she was payed for it, or both. He closed the video and loaded another from the same site. This time, it was a couple engaging in play. The man began jerking himself off as he waited for the woman to get into position. Jacob felt the stirrings of arousal.

Fuck, Jacob thought. Failure. Again.

He closed the last window and stared at his computer desktop in frustration. He was sure he could suppress those feelings this time. He had done everything he knew how. He had done his best to connect feelings of arousal inspired by other men to painful things or unpleasant things. He had tried inflicting physical pain when it happened. He had tried immediately filling his thoughts with unsexy things as soon as anything came up. Nothing worked.

 This “perversion,” as his dad would call it if he knew, was still tormenting him. Jacob had been in seventh grade when he first felt shame for his feelings. He couldn’t remember what he thought about it before, but when his father delivered a sermon about “disgusting homosexuals”, he realized his father was talking about the feelings he was having for other boys. He vowed then to purge himself of the sins his father described. 

So far, he had been unsuccessful. He hadn’t actually done anything, though. His only sins were of feelings he couldn’t control. He could still fix himself. Right? He’d been trying for five years. 

Functionally, he wasn’t really gay. He had sex with chicks; lots of them, in fact, and he enjoyed it, well enough. It did the job. He still couldn’t get aroused by women on their own. He always had to use other tricks to get himself going. He knew his friends didn’t have that problem. They actually complained about it being too easy, like they’d get hard just by brushing past a girl in the hall. Jacob knew what they meant, only in his case it wasn’t the girls that caused him that problem at school. He could just give up, accept it, live in sin… it would be so easy. But then he might lose everything.

Jacob sat at his computer with his head in his hands. He had run the whole scenario through his head so many times. What if he just gave in? Let himself have these desires? He knew there were gay kids in his school. He also knew they got beat up. He was always a little resentful of those guys, the ones who weren’t hiding it, who just let it go. Jacob’s dad would condemn them, of course. They were going to hell; couldn’t be saved. They were abominations. God, what would he do if he knew that included his own son? Don’t take the lord’s name in vain, Jacob.

“Jake, dinner,” his mother called from down the hall.

Jacob lifted his head and shut his monitor off. “Coming,” he called back. He took a deep breath, lifted himself from his chair, and made his way down the long hallway lined with crosses and various imagery depicting Jesus. He felt the eyes of the savior follow him as he walked. His family may not know about him, but he knew Jesus would. Did Jesus really care as much as Jacob’s father made it seem? Did God care? Did that even matter? Jacob wasn’t sure anymore. Maybe it was wishful thinking.

The next morning, Jacob stood with his friends in the hall before school. They always gathered outside the gym until the bell. They piled their backpacks together against the wall and sat around, commenting on the passing girls. Jacob’s closest friend, Bret, was nudging him and tilting his head toward a girl walking past wearing a blue knee-length skirt and white shirt. She was thin but shapely.

“Yeah,” said Jacob.

“Yeah, hot?” Bret asked.

“Yeah, I’ve been there already,” said Jacob.

“No way...” Bret shook his head. “Come on, man. You gotta leave a few for the rest of us. Help us out here, shit.”

Colin, who sat on the other side of Bret, leaned over. “Seriously, asshole, it’s like every girl in this school is Jacob’s leftovers now. I’m gonna have to start dating Middleton girls.”

“Traitor,” said Bret as he shoved Colin in the arm. “You do that, see how gross your junk gets doing girls from Middleton.”

“What do you want me to do, then? Fucking Casanova over here’s fucked all the options. All we’re left with is dudes,” said Colin, “and I ain't no fucking cocksucker, so fuck off. I’ll date Middleton girls if I want.” Colin shoved Bret back. He pointed across the hall at a guy standing in another group. “There you go, Pansy, that’s what you get. Unless Jacob’s been there already, too.” He doubled over, laughing.

“Shut up, I’m not a fucking fag,” said Jacob. Not like him anyway, he thought as he looked across the hall.

The guy Colin pointed at was Seth Thompson. Jacob watched him for a moment until the bell rang, calling them to their classes.

Jacob couldn’t stand Seth Thompson. He’d never really talked to him, but he was completely contrary to everything Jacob wanted to be. He was out, for one. Everyone knew Seth was gay. He made no effort to hide it. He wore rainbow earrings, for Christ's sake! How stereotypical can a person be? Jacob scoffed to himself. He wore his hair in a mop-top of dark blond curls that was just short enough to see the small rainbow studs in his earlobes; both ears. He was slender and a head shorter than Jacob. He had a soft face and a small nose and always wore a smile. In stark contrast with Seth, Jacob had short, dark hair and sharp features. He was on the basketball team and was built for it, standing at six foot three. He put constant work into seeming “normal.” As far as he could tell, he and Seth only had one thing in common, and he wanted to beat Seth up himself just for being so carefree about it.

Jacob couldn’t get the conversation with Colin out of his head all day. How dare they insinuate that he had anything to do with Seth! He knew they didn’t mean it, but it got under his skin, anyway. Basketball practice in the afternoon went quickly and Jacob stayed after on the court as usual until he could be sure the other guys had already left. He had a reputation for being a hard worker, but what would they think if they knew his real reason for long practice? The locker room was empty when he changed and showered, just as it always was, just as he wanted it to be. The face of Seth Thompson flashed through Jacob’s mind again. That carefree grin of his with his perfect teeth... Why was it bothering him so much today? The night before had made him feel like his condition was hopeless. Perhaps that’s all it was. Seth’s nonchalant attitude about such things grated on Jacob’s nerves. He needed to drink, relax, and forget about it. He decided to wait outside Jackson’s on the way home to see if there was anyone who would grab a beer for him. If there wasn’t anyone, maybe he would just pocket one himself.

Jacob was lucky to see Carl, one of the graduated seniors from last year, behind the counter at Jackson’s. Carl wouldn’t say anything if Jacob sent money in with someone with ID. Everyone did it anyway. It was normal. Jacob hung outside the door, leaning up against the brick wall, waiting.

Seth came out of the convenience store door. He leaned up against the wall next to Jacob without looking at him and pulled out a cigarette. He put one end in his mouth, lit it, and exhaled the smoke. Jacob stared, dumfounded. Him? Of all people? What is he doing here now? He shoved his hands in his pockets and shifted his gaze to the ground.

“Cigarette?” asked Seth.

Jacob glanced down at him. His lips were soft around the cigarette, and long lashes hid his eyes as he looked off across the street. “No,” said Jacob. He fidgeted and bounced his foot as he leaned against the wall and tried to ignore Seth’s presence.

“Do I make you uncomfortable?” Seth asked suddenly in his light, melodic voice.

Jacob didn’t know how to respond. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and tried to swallow the sand in his throat. Seth hadn’t looked at him once. 

“I saw you and your friends pointing at me today. Did you have a good laugh at my expense?” he chuckled, with a hint of disdain. “I’m the one who gets the real laugh.” He tapped the ash from the end of his cigarette.

“What do you mean?” Jacob asked, cautiously. He felt mildly ashamed at Seth’s words, but couldn’t stand the arrogance with which he said them.

“I know your secret,” said Seth.

“You what?” Jacob’s stomach rose into his throat. He rounded on Seth. He could feel his fingers get cold. “Secret? What secret? You don’t even know me.” 

“I know why you avoid changing with the team.”

Jacob’s heart pounded in his chest as his panic rose. 

“I know you aren’t interested in the girls you sleep with.”

His father’s angry shouting at the pulpit on Sundays rang through his mind.

“I know--”

Jacob was swinging his fist before he realized it.