The Secret

“Shut up!” Jacob felt his knuckle meet lip and teeth. His hand came away bloody before he knew what happened.

“Fuck! What the fuck, man?” Seth steadied himself against the wall and flashed a glare up at Jacob. He touched his lip with his hand and looked discouraged at the blood he saw on his fingers. “Jesus, it’s not like I told anyone. Damn. Thanks for confirming, though.” He sucked on his split lip and tried to look for somewhere to wipe his hand other than his shirt.

“Shit!” Jacob slammed the wall next to Seth. He glanced around to check for witnesses. No one had seemed to notice. “God. Dammit, dude... Sorry... I mean...” Jacob hurried into the store and grabbed a few napkins, muttering a thank you to Carl without looking up. He brought them back to Seth, who gladly accepted them and wiped his face and hands. His lip still bled, so he pressed the napkin to it. “Dude, I’m sorry... I haven’t punched anyone like that before. That wasn’t cool. Fuck.”

“I don’t accept.” Seth spat blood on the curb.

“Huh?” Did Seth want to fight? Jacob didn’t want to fight, but he would defend himself if he had to, and he was sure he would win if it came to that.

“I don’t accept your apology. You have to make it up to me.” A sly smile curled the visible corner of Seth’s mouth.

“How?” 

“Come back to my house.” Seth grinned around the napkin.

Jacob stepped back, into the wall. “What? Fuck, no. Get the hell out, fag.” 

Seth grimaced almost imperceptibly. “You’ll be safe with me… unless you want to talk about how I know your secret here out in the open... Besides, I have vodka.” He flashed a bright white smile while still pressing the napkin against his lip.

They certainly couldn’t continue to talk here. “What if I’m seen with you?”

Seth shrugged. “So what? You were hired to tutor me.”

Jacob needed to know how Seth had figured it out. He had always thought he was so careful. Nothing was more important. “Fine. Alright. . Let’s go.”

Jacob was so wrapped up in his own head, he didn’t notice much until Seth ushered him into his bedroom. He looked around in mild surprise. His room wasn’t much different from any of Jacob’s friends’ rooms, except that there were a few theater programs in the clutter. He had nothing on the walls except a poster of some actor Jacob didn’t know. He had thought there would be, like, gay-porn, or rainbows, or something to show that he was different from Jacob.

“Have a seat anywhere,” Seth said, gesturing towards his bed, as he went to a small fridge in the corner.

Jacob eyed the bed warily, and sat down on the floor next to the bed instead.

Seth pulled a large bottle of cheap vodka from the fridge. He poured it into a plastic cup, and held it out to Jacob.

Jacob hesitated. “Straight?” he asked, shocked.

“It’s the only thing in this room that is.” Seth flashed his cheeky grin.

Jacob glared up at Seth.

“I don’t have any mixers unless you want prune juice from the kitchen.”

Jacob took the cup from Seth, sipped the booze, and made a face.

“Come on, be a man! It’s not that bad.” Seth held his cup up to cheers, and Jacob clinked his against Seth’s. Seth drank his in one swig and shook his head to clear the vapors. 

Jacob tried to follow suit and choked. Seth laughed outright. Jacob took a breath and gulped the rest, doing his best not to react to the burn. He was used to drinks at parties, but he usually stuck to beer or mixed drinks. He couldn’t decide if what he suddenly felt for Seth was newfound respect or concern. “Okay,” he said, studying the bottom of his now empty cup. “So, how did you figure out what you think you know?”

“What I think I know? Oh, I’m sure I know,” chuckled Seth, with a smile. He poured another dram of vodka in Jacob’s cup.

“Well?” 

“Well, there’s this magic thing called Gay-dar. I can, like, smell another gay guy from across the room.” Seth refilled his own cup.

Jacob stared at Seth earnestly. “That’s actually a thing?”

Seth burst out laughing. “Fuck no. God, you’re so gullible. The girls at school talk to me, and they talk a lot about you. I probably know more about you than your friends do.” Seth drained his cup again.

“Yeah, right.” Jacob rolled his eyes and sipped the vodka. He didn’t want to give Seth a reason to laugh at him again for not being able to shoot it. He also didn’t want to drink too much too fast. He was already starting to feel the first shot.

“Yeah? I know you don’t touch the girls you’ve been with. I know they have to practically beg you to sleep with them. You think they have that problem with other guys? I know you don’t look at them when you do it. I know they feel like you think doing it is a chore. I know you keep your eyes closed while they--”

“Okay okay, I get it. Girl’s talk.”

“I know you check out other guys in the hall the same way I do. You think your friends look at other guys like that? I know you’ve checked me out.”

Jacob looked up at Seth. His eyes were a cold blue, with dark rims around the irises. His face was serious now. Jacob kind of wanted him to smile again. It was done. Seth had figured him out. There was no going back now. Time for damage control.

“I wasn’t checking you out...” said Jacob as he looked down into his cup of vodka again. “No one can know, okay? It would ruin me.” Jacob shuddered at the thought of the basketball team finding out. They wouldn’t want anything to do with him. And his father…

Jacob put his head in his hands. 

“I haven’t told anyone, and I won’t, but some of the girls you’ve been with suspect. It won’t stay a secret forever.”

“I’m trying to change it. I’m working on it. It just… it’s not working so far. You wouldn’t understand. You seem totally fine with being the way you are.” Jacob waved his hand at Seth, who tried to pour more vodka into Jacob’s cup. “I’m good,” Jacob said, covering the cup.

Seth put the bottle down and sat down on the bed, laying back behind Jacob. “It wasn’t always like that. It still isn’t all the time. You think I like the remarks? The looks I get? Getting beat up? Being called a fag? Thanks, by the way.”

Jacob cringed. “Then why do you do it?” Jacob could feel the bed shift against his back as Seth moved. The scent of Seth’s Axe shampoo followed. 

“It’s harder trying to be anyone else. This is me. This is a part of me. I’m not going to be somebody else and force myself to like people I don’t like just so I can fit in.”

“It’s not just so I can fit in. It’s so I don’t burn in hell. It’s a fucking sin, man.”

“So’s having sex out of wedlock and you’ve fucked that one up pretty well already. Besides, you don’t honestly believe all that crap anyway, do you?”

“I don’t know anymore. I used to. You know my dad’s a minister?” Jacob could feel the warmth of the alcohol spread through his body. He could feel his pulse in his neck and his lips were kind of numb. He leaned his head back on the bed. “We have a hall in my house, right outside my room, that is lined with crosses and Jesuses and shit.”

“Wouldn’t the plural be Jesi?” chuckled Seth.

“What? Fuck if I know... anyway, it freaks me out, like he’s watching me, judging me while I try and fix myself. It’s like he knows I’m failing.” Jacob closed his eyes. Seth’s smell was surprisingly pleasant. 

“Maybe he’s judging you for trying because he wants you to be you just the way he made you.” Jacob felt the bed shift again, and opened his eyes to see Seth sitting up over him. “I’ve never been real religious myself, but what I’ve always been taught is that God forgives. Isn’t that why people have faith in Jesus? Wasn’t it to, like, absolve you of your sins?”

Jacob tried to pull himself up onto the bed. His arms wouldn’t quite respond the way he wanted. Seth grabbed his arm and helped him up. Seth smelled really good. His face was flushed from the alcohol, and his hair was tousled from laying on the bed.

“Jacob, you’ve never actually done anything with a guy, have you?”

“No, I didn’t want to risk it. As long as I don’t, I thought I still had a chance.”

“Did you ever at least watch porn with guys in it?”

“Just the normal shit. Most of it had dudes with the chicks.”

“And did that do it for you?” Jacob shrugged that off. “So, you have no idea what it’s actually like to hook up with someone you like, huh? Hah, the biggest playboy in the school and you have no idea what it feels like to enjoy it.” Seth was shaking his head in amazement.

“Sex is sex, a hole is a hole. What’s the big deal? The rest is just in your head.” Jacob watched as Seth ran his slender fingers through his curls, taming the flyaways.

“You have no idea... The big deal is --” Seth suddenly leaned in, inches from Jacob’s face. He lightly touched the side of Jacob’s neck. “The big deal is that we’re here alone, your face is red, and your pulse is racing. Does that happen with the girls?”