...And Eat It Too

Jacob downed two drinks in the kitchen with Dana before he could get his nerves under control. He didn't plan to get wasted like last weekend, but there was no way he was going to make it through the rest of this party sober.

"What's got you all frazzled?" asked Dana.

"It's nothing," said Jacob. "I'm not great with large groups of people."

"I know what you mean," said Dana. "Why do you think I'm in the kitchen myself? Don't get me wrong, I love a good party, and I love that people are having fun, but sometimes I just need a break, you know?"

Jacob chuckled. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."

"It's cool. It's nothing to be ashamed about. Everyone's different," she said with a smile. "You can hide out in the kitchen any time. There's also rooms upstairs. You don't have to be fuckin' to hide out in one."

Jacob actually blushed. He knew people knew his reputation, but it wasn't something he spent much time talking about. He realized he had probably ended up in a room with Dana at some point. "Did we-"

"You know, we might have, but I can't really remember." Dana burst out laughing. Jacob was put at ease by her humor and laughed with her. "Well, I should get back to my party. Feel free to hang out here for as long as you like."

Jacob was left alone in the kitchen. Another group of students wandered in and Jacob felt overcrowded again. He decided to follow Dana's advice and explore upstairs away from the crowds.

The music was still loud upstairs, but the carpets dampened it some. There were six doors leading off the upstairs hall. One of them was probably a bathroom, so there were five bedrooms to hide out in. He would be taking his chances walking in on someone in any of them. That was always a risk. He decided to chance the third door on the left.

It was dark inside, and quiet. There didn't seem to be anyone there. Perfect. He could sit and drink in solitude, and listen to the party going on down stairs. He walked into the room and tried to make it around the bed to turn on the side table light that he could see by the light from the door, but he tripped over something by the bed.

"Ow! Fuck!" said a voice Jacob recognized all too well.

"Shit! Sorry!" Jacob said reflexively. "Seth? Is that you?"

There was silence for a moment. "Yeah," Seth finally said. "Fucking great. You're the last person I wanted to see right now." Seth was sitting on the floor up against the bed with his legs stretched out into the room.

"What are you doing up here alone?" Jacob almost asked about the guy, but couldn't stomach the question.

Seth laughed bitterly. "Obviously having the time of my life. Why the hell do you care?"

Why did Jacob care? He had wanted to come up to be alone. This room was occupied. He should go find another room.

Jacob sat down on the floor next to Seth. "I don't know," he said.

"Why are you up here?" asked Seth.

"Heh, I wanted to be alone," said Jacob.

"So why don't you go be alone," asked Seth.

"I don't know," said Jacob.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Seth pressed his head back against the bed and sighed. "Listen, I don't know what you think you're doing here, but I'm fine. Just because a person gets rejected doesn't mean it's the end of the world. We said we'd leave each other alone right? Well, you are welcome to leave me alone."

"That guy left you here?" Jacob asked, slightly pissed. "Why?"

"I don't know. I thought it was going well."

"Guys just don't stop in the middle for no reason, there must've been-"

"Fuck, fine, yes, there was a reason. I don't want to talk about it," Seth growled.

Jacob didn't have a clue why it bothered him so much that that dude had run out on Seth. He shouldn't care. There was no reason for him to care. This was Seth's business. Seth was right, they had agreed to leave each other alone. So what the hell was Jacob doing. He had become intensely curious as to what the reason was.

"Why don't you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"Because I don't want to talk to you about it, okay? Can you get that? Besides, it's embarrassing." Seth's voice trailed off at the end. Now Jacob was really curious.

"What, like you couldn't get it up? It happens to the best of us man, especially when drinking." Jacob was having a little fun now. He was getting to poke some fun at Seth's discomfort just as Seth had done to him when they first met.

"That's not fucking it, Jacob. Ugh, you are so infuriating. Would you just leave me alone?"

"You could always get up and leave."

"I was here first, you leave."

"I'll leave if you tell me what happened." Jacob was starting to feel a little giddy. He had Seth at a disadvantage.

"Fine, asshole. He left because I said the wrong name. I called him 'Jacob'." Seth pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his face in his arms. "Now will you fucking leave me alone?"

Jacob lost any sense of an advantage he thought he had. He felt the air all leave his lungs at once. "What the fuck," he managed to say. "Why would you-" but he couldn't complete the sentence. The saliva dried up in his mouth making it hard to speak.

"Why do you think? Well, cat's out of the bag now." Seth was still speaking into his arms. "I like you, Jacob. I've had a crush on you since the beginning of last year. When I noticed that you might not be as straight and narrow as you tried to make everyone think you are, it bothered me. I didn't think I had a chance in hell- I mean, you're so fucking popular - but I at least wanted to find out if I was right. That's why I approached you before. I didn't think anything would..." His voice trailed away.

Jacob sat in stunned silence. Seth shook slightly next to him. He felt like the asshole again. Seth hadn't tricked him or goaded him into anything. He just had a crush, and Jacob had gone and kissed him. Jacob had done that. He couldn't lie to himself about that. He had kissed Seth, and he had enjoyed it, and then he had rejected Seth and blamed him. He was worse than the guy who ran out on Seth tonight.

"Are you crying?" he asked Seth.

"Go the fuck away, okay? You said you would if I told you. Well, I've told you. Would you please leave me alone now? It's fucking embarrassing."

Jacob felt responsible for Seth's current state. He put his hand out to console Seth.

"You were right, Seth. I am like you. I've tried to change that for so long. I've lied to myself about it for as long as I can remember. It would ruin my life if people knew. You make it look easy. Having a guy walk out on you because you said the wrong name? I wish I could have that chance without it being the end of my life. It's not your fault I left the way I did Friday. It's mine. I'm the asshole." Jacob took a deep breath. Seth seemed to have stopped crying. Jacob looked over and Seth was looking up at him. His blue eyes were illuminated by the light of the moon coming through the window. Jacob felt his heart skip a beat, and a flush spread across his cheeks.

"Yeah, you are the asshole," said Seth, his mouth curving into a weak smile.

Jacob's insides fluttered in response.

"You wanna know the fucking punchline?" Jacob asked, looking out the window.

"What's that?" asked Seth.

"I think I'm getting a crush on you too." Jacob could feel Seth's eyes on him, but he couldn't turn to look. His guts were doing summersaults in his belly. This was so much easier with girls. He didn't actually care if the girls would accept him. They were fun, but he could take or leave it. Even Sarah didn't scare him the way Seth did. How Seth felt mattered. "I think, maybe I've had a crush for a while and didn't know what it was."

"You could date literally anyone Jacob. Are you serious right now?"

Jacob finally turned to look at Seth. Seth was looking up at him wide-eyed. His cheeks were flushed from crying. There was an openness in his face that pulled Jacob in. He couldn't give himself a good enough excuse not to follow this feeling anymore. He leaned in and said, "I'm serious," and pressed his lips to Seth's.

Warmth flooded Jacob's body. Seth's lips were as soft as the first time. Jacob almost felt electricity spark where their lips met. Seth leaned into the kiss, opening his mouth to breathe, and then locked his lips to Jacob again, their tongues searching for each other.

Jacob couldn't imagine going back to a life where he couldn't have this anymore. If it was so wrong, why did it feel so good? Everyone else got to experience this, why should he be left out just because he liked other men? If he was the only one then maybe it would be wrong, but Seth was here too. They were in this together. They wanted this from each other. What was so wrong about that?

They finally pulled apart but sat with their foreheads pressed together. They both smiled and laughed bashfully.

"You really think I could date anyone?" Jacob asked Seth.

"Anyone. Seriously. Everyone likes you, Jacob. You haven't noticed? I'm not the weird one here."

"It's funny, Sarah said almost exactly the same thing," Jacob recalled.

"Oh, fuck." Seth pulled back from Jacob and turned away. "Sarah. What are we going to do?"