Once Upon a Field Trip

"Sissy, pumayag ka na. I already informed my professors that I'm going. Nakakahiya naman kung hindi ako tutuloy. Ang kaso kasi, may photoshoot ako sa Baguio at hindi ko iyon p'wedeng palampasin. Please, sissy? Pupunta ka rin lang naman talaga, e. All you have to do is to pretend that you are me."

Sunod-sunod na pag-iling ang agad na natanggap niya mula sa akin pagkatapos ng mahaba niyang litanya. Naisip ko, ano nga ba talaga ang dahilan at hinihingi niya sa akin ito?

"Don't you want it? It's a privilege. They will treat you as a celebrity. Malay mo, may special treatment ka ring matatanggap. Besides, hindi ka nila makikilala bilang ikaw. Hindi ba mas gusto mong nagtatago? And . . . " Binitin niya ang kanyang linya saka ako hinawakan sa kamay. "We're sisters."

Nailed. Sa lahat ng taong nakilala ko, siya na yata ang pinakamagaling mangumbinsi. Alam na alam na niya ang kahinaan ko at 'yun ang lagi niyang ginagamit laban sa akin-na 'we are sisters' daw. Oo, ang kapatid ko ang kahinaan ko, at napaka-ironic na siya rin ang pinanggagalingan ng lakas ko. Ang hirap tumanggi sa taong mahalaga sa'kin.

Isang buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ko. "I can't assure you that I will be able to-"

"No, my dear. Huwag mo kasing pangunahan ang mga bagay-bagay. The more you doubt about yourself, the more you fail. So better say 'Kaya ko'. Okay?"

Na-pokus ang atensiyon ko sa kaniya. Pinangaralan na ako ng kapatid kong walang binatbat ang talino mula sa akin. Well, that's not the matter from the first place. Pretending is a sin. It's not just about fooling others but fooling one's self too. Ayaw kong manloko at mas ayaw kong lokohin ang sarili ko.

Hindi ito magandang ideya ngunit mukhang nananadya ang tadhana dahil wala na siyang itinirang paraan para makalusot ako.

I took a deep sigh and slightly shrugged my shoulders. That simple gesture brought hope to my sister's eyes.

"Is that a yes?" Ngiting-ngiti siyang nagtanong.

Gusto kong humindi pero ayaw kong mawala ang bakas ng pag-asa sa kanyang itsura. I guess failing that hopeful smile is worse than shoving my butt out. Kaya sa hulihan ng aming diskusyon, I ended up saying 'yes'. It is really tough arguing with the one you love. In contrary, when you already started, it's the hardest thing to stop.

"Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Her voice gave me the noise I can only hear in the queue of tricycles. I always envy the taste of delight in between her words.

Tatakbo na sana siya palapit sa akin pero itinaas ko ang kamay ko, senyales na huwag niya akong lapitan. Natawa naman ako nang mahina sa reaksiyon niyang parang batang inagawan ng kendi.

"So, unahin natin ang bestfriend kong si Alminaza." She fixed her position, her voice resembles a professor in the very start of a class. She continues, "You can call her Ami. Hanggang baywang ang buhok niya. Mahilig siya sa maaanghang at maaasim, at magaling din sa gardening. Mahilig ka rin naman sa bulaklak kagaya ko kaya siguradong masasakyan mo siya. Basta, just go with the flow na lang kung naroon ka na. Hindi naman natin alam kung ano ang mangyayari. Siguro naman hindi ko na kailanga'ng sabihin ang mga characteristics at favorites ko, ano? You know me more than I do."

Tumango na lang ako bilang pagsang-ayon kuno, though I beg to disagree. No one knows you more than yourself.

"Kalma ka lang. Umakto kang normal. Hand gestures, paki-check. 'Yang pananalita mo, insert more articulation and be friendly. Mag-ingay ka dahil ganoon ako. Always talk as if you're professional, kahit hindi ka na sure sa sinasabi mo. Pero ha, huwag masyadong pure ang english, baka 'di ka maintindihan." She stopped as she took a deep breath. Pinaypayan niya ang kaniyang sarili gamit ang kamay habang kunwaring pinunasan ang pawis sa noo. I laughed. My sister has really a sense of humor.

"Kapagod magsalita. So, paano? Deal?" tanong na naman niya habang humihingal pa. I nodded as response. Parang ako pa ang nakaramdam sa pagod niya.

Nangalumbaba ako at alam kong sa simula pa lang ay alam na niya ang magiging sgaot ko. I said yes. For the nth time, I'll be my sister's shadow.

Being the second her is not easy and it will never be. Mahirap magpanggap bilang siya lalo na't may sarili naman akong hilig, pagkatao, may sariling pagkakakilanlan. Hindi lang ito basta mahirap, kun'di masakit din at ang bigat tanggapin.

Sa amin kasing magkambal, siya 'yung sikat. She has the ability to make people like her. Elegante siya, sopistikada, at talentedo. Artista ang kapatid ko, maliban sa katotohanang lumalabas siya sa TV at internet, magaling din siyang makihalubilo at makipag-sakayan sa trip ng ibang tao. I'm just a piece of trash compared to her communication skills. Isa siyang masiyahing babae at tinagurian ding 'The Most Sociable Sexy Actress of All Times'.

Now, here I am, taking her place and will be treated as a Queen, as The Most Sociable Sexy Actress. It is a great privilege for others, but our differences give me the opposite effect.

Hindi ito ang unang beses na magtake-over ako sa kanya, pero ito ang pinakamahirap kung sakali dahil aabot ito ng mahigit isang linggo at sa maraming tao ako makikibagay, makikisama, at makikipaglokohan.

Masakit iyon. Ni hindi man lang ako makabuo ng sarili kong pagkakakilanlan gamit ang aking talento at abilidad. But do I have those? Writing is my first talent. I'm not that excellent in dancing as she can, but I can sing, which is she can not do. Pero sino ang nakaaalam? Wala. Lalo na't wala akong balak ipaalam iyon sa iba.

I'm a shy type of person -this has been my internal struggle ever since, the war against my self. I live my life away from people, not because it is really my preference, but because I am afraid of people's eyes. The self-doubt, it's keeping me in solitude.

Kung p'wede lang na habambuhay na lang akong magtago sa lungga, ginawa ko na. Pero paano kung ang pinagpapanggapan kong tao ay sikat at maraming tunguhin sa buhay?

Kilala naman ako ng ilan pero marami ang hindi. Tuwing lalabas ako at makikita ako ng mga tao, lagi akong pinagkakaguluhan kasi akala nila, ako ang kapatid ko. Consequently, my life couldn't maintain the silence, I am always at the bottom of it, and under its opposite.

Nevertheless, I do not and never did plant a grudge against my sister. The struggles, they're not about her, or me, just the situation. It's out of our control. Besides, I support her fully. Her successes are my successes; her failures are my failures. The care and love that I feel towards her drew deeper since our parents died. Siya na lang ang mayroon ako. Siya ang lahat-lahat ko.

I gave her a glimpse, she's still in her genuine grin. "Okay, then. What's the consequence?"

Napangisi siya sa tanong kong iyon na para bang ine-expect na niya ito. Her perfect white teeth showed up. "If you'll succeed, I'm going to replace your old and cheap laptop."

I almost dropped my jaw. That may be an insult, but when it came to my ears, my blood freezes in delight.

"Deal," I diligently responded with a trail of smile on my lips. I am half-convinced that I'll succeed, but I'm going to hold on to the remaining half of hope.

Tumalikod ako pero nagsalita siyang muli na siyang nagpatigil sa akin. "My best friend is dangerous. She knew me a lot."

I nodded as I remained in my position. Instead of an encouragement, I received a threat. I don't really get her sometimes.

"Everything's not easy," she added. Ang boses niya ay may halong babala, ngunit hindi ko maisip kung bakit kailangan niyang manakot gayong itinutulak nga niya ako para gawin ito. "Before I forgot, be wise to be my boyfriend's girlfriend."

Natigilan ako. I even felt myself stopped exhaling. I just misheard it, I guess? Humarap ako sa kanya at nakita ko ang agaran niyang pagyuko. On that time, I'm already sure that I heard it all right.

I readied my self for a complaint. "Shi-"

"Please." I knew she predicted it, she saw this coming. Of course, her no-boyfriend-since-birth suddenly needs to do this. What reaction would she expect?

Hindi niya inangat ang ulo niya pero ramdam kong malungkot siya base sa tono ng boses niya kanina. Shiyuri is hyper, her voice is always on the high pitch so I can easily sense if she's sad.

"He's a writer, sapiosexual. Kahit ilang beses niyang sabihin sa'kin na minahal niya 'ko sa kung sino ako, alam ko, ramdam ko, na ang pagsabi ko noon na writer din ako katulad niya ang siyang tanging dahilan kaya niya ako nagustuhan." For the first time in my life, I saw my sister cried for a guy. "I . . . I am using your novels para magpasikat sa kaniya. I am sorry!"

Nanlalaki ang mata ko habang nakatitig sa kanya. She . . . what?!

"Anong . . . " Hindi ko nakayang ituloy ang sasabihin ko. Nawalan ako ng salita. I feel like I was pushed on a chasm, but I couldn't complain.

"Yes, I didn't tell you and I'm sorry 'cause I know it's your loss."

"Don't think it that way!" Hindi ko na napigilang magtaas ng boses. "Wala akong pakialam kung gamitin mo ito para sa iba but you should've been told me!" Halos maiyak ako sa inis habang pinipigilan ang sarili na muli siyang sigawan.

What the hell?! It's been a long time since she said she has a boyfriend. Marami na rin akong nagawang nobela pero hindi niya man lang nagawang sabihin sa'kin na bawat isa sa mga ito ay ginagamit niya pala at inaangking kaniya!

"K-kaya naman . . . " She sobbed. "Kaya naman naiinggit ako sa'yo. Yes, I am famous as I am. But my boyfriend, a very important person in my life, ikaw ang gusto. 'Yung tipo mo. So I am thinking, sana ikaw na lang ako."

Then it hits me. I used to say that she is luckier than me. I always say that she's rich and I'm a rag. Pero para pala sa kanya, hindi. Dahil ako-ako ang kinaiinggitan niya. Sa sinabi niya ay nawala na nang tuluyan ang galit ko. Hindi ko siya kayang tiisin.

"It's okay," I then replied. Biglang nagliwanag ang mukha niya. Relief is evident on the glint of her eyes. "Balik sa boyfriend mo. Nakalimutan ko ang tungkol doon kanina."

"Please, huwag mo nang bawiin," malambing niyang saad. "You already said yes. Wala nang urungan." She's pleading like a kid. She does that every time she wants to get something, and I think I will never be immune of it. 

Shit this. I'm going to meet her boyfriend. BOYFRIEND! Wala na ba talaga akong kawala sa delubyong ito?

"At siya ang pinakamahirap pagpanggapan. You must be careful with him more than anyone else."

Awtomatikong nanindig ang balahibo ko sa sinabi niya. I never had a boyfriend in my life- by chance and by choice. It's kind of unbelievable that because of pretension, I'm going to have one and deal with it.

"Name?" may pag-aalangang tanong ko.

"Third." There's a taste of proudness in my sister's voice upon mentioning her boyfriend's name. I care less about it at first, but I there is this different feeling building inside me. My assumption was confirmed when she added, "Third Montecarlo."

I got stunned and literally jawdropped. I'm not dreaming. It's a nightmare. It's a freaking nightmare!

Pakiramdam ko gumuho ang mundo ko. Milagrong nakatayo pa ako ngayon pagkatapos ng nalaman ko.

Third . . .

Bakit siya pa? Sa lahat ng lalaki sa mundo, bakit kailanga'ng siya pa?

"Are you okay?" She seemed to noticed my reaction since I wasn't able to immediately respond.

I looked at my sister and I'm sure that the pain in the corner of my eyes is waving at her. "No," may diing sagot ko. Pagkatapos kong marinig ang pangalan na iyon at ang katotohanang boyfriend siya ng kapatid ko, para na itong impiyerno sa akin. Jesus, this couldn't be happening. I am no evil nor angel. I only deserve to be at the surface, so why am I at the bottom? "I refuse to do it."

"Come on . . . " my sister whispered. "I'm begging. I badly need your help."

Why is that she didn't even ask what's with my sudden change of decision?

After a minute of not responding, she stood up and smiled, I tastes how bitter it is. "I'll just cancel it, then. Sasabihin ko sa kanyang 'di ako makakapunta although hindi naman talaga dahil may photo shoot ako sa Baguio. Sorry sa abala, at sa ginawa kong paggamit sa story mo."

Tumalikod siya. Nakuyom ko ang aking kamao. It will be the first time that I rejected my sister. And the reason? Third Montecarlo.

No, this is absurd. Why would I choose hoes before us, sisters?

"Wait," I stopped her when she already reached the door. This is it, my final decision. "I will do it."

There, she smiled. Itinaas ko na naman ang mga kamay ko para pigilan siya sa paglapit pero naunahan na niya ako ng yakap niya.

"I love you!" She prolonged her last word.

I love her too. If it makes me stupid loving my sister, then I'm willing to forget that I am a class topnotcher.

So, Third, I'm going to meet you again. But now, as your girlfriend . . . without you knowing it.

"One and a half month contract is now sealed. Good luck, Shiyuri the second," my sister declared.

I am dead.