Kabanata 1

"God knows best, baby. God knows best."

Those words were whispered into the ear of a kid named Kira. She was at the funeral of her mother, who had died for a reason she couldn't seem to accept. A shallow smile made its way to her lips.

Kira had been very close to her mother. They are the closest member in their family actually, and loosing her has a big effect on her. It seems so unreal, so unimaginable.

The remark came from a well-meaning family friend, but Kira found it more caustic than comforting. Maybe it is supposed to be a console but end up contumelious. Wrong choice of words. Doubtlessly wrong choice of words for a young girl like her who's currently grieving.

"Her death wasn't for the best," she kept repeating to herself. "It wasn't. It wasn't."

As Kira came to see, it can take a long time for someone to overcome grief, to escape from tender sorrow, to move on from a tragic memory, especially when the bereaved person was very close to the deceased. It breaks into our lives with irresistable force, often when we are completely unprepared, and it robs as for those who hold dear. None of us are immune to its ravages. Worse, out of too much pain, many people end up feeling emptiness. So it is not surprising if we feel at a loss when it comes to coping with death and its aftermath.

But how can we cope up? How can we move on? Is it bad to cry sometimes? Is it inappropriate to be yourself just for a couple of seconds?

Grievance . . . 

"Drama for this time?" Awtomatiko akong napapikit nang mariin habang kagat-kagat ang labi, pinipigilan ang sarili upang hindi tuluyang masigawan ang istorbo kong kapatid. Na-dysfunction tuloy ang flow ng aking pag-iisip nang dahil sa kanya. Except from the instability of my memory, my thoughts can easily be distracted. Fish tea.

Ni-save ko sa drafts ko 'yung nasimulan ko nang itipa. After I shut my laptop down, I turned around my swivel chair to face her.

She is wearing her usual attire. A violet fitted silky dress that matches her boots that has heels of three-inch height. She's going to school-kind of stubborn for not wearing her uniform.

"Nah," iling ko. "Advisory article, continuation for the new published brochure of our Campus Chronology." My eyes are shut while speaking. "At the same time, critiquing a certain article, and found out it's plagiarised-copied from a certain magazine."

Seryoso, nawalan ako ng ganang makipag-usap. Although buo pa rin 'yung ideya sa isip ko, ang eksaktong linya na akin na sanang ilalagay ay tuluyan nang na-efface and liquidate. Sayang. Mukhang nangangailangan na naman ako pinagpares na isda at tsaa.

"Hindi ba't kapapasa mo lang ng manuscript? Iba na naman 'yan?"

"Para sa campus 'to, Shi. Iba 'yong ipinasa kong manuscript na tinutukoy mo. It's for a famous and respected publishing company. They offer good service and reliability. How I wish it will work. Pinaghirapan ko 'yun nang husto. Doble ang effort ko sa usual na nobelang isinusulat ko." It took me a couple of months to finish it so I can't really wait for its publicity. I just really hope they are good in handling things even to an undiscovered writer like me.

"Hindi ka ba nababaliw riyan? 'Yan na lang ang laman ng isip mo. Buti hindi mo ginagawan ng nobela 'yang mathematics tuwing may quiz kayo?" she joked, though it might be possible. "Pero hindi makakalampas sa akin ang balita. Economics, seriously?! Tinatanong lang kung ano ang connection ng production at consumption pero anong ginawa mo? You made a very long essay which was required to be only one paragraph."

Natawa ako nang mahina. So she knew it. Pinahirapan ko nang husto 'yung prof namin at hindi p'wedeng hindi niya iyon basahin. Ang lakas ng loob niyang magbigay ng approximate word count, partida ang taas ng minimum. Pinaikut-ikot ko lang naman ang sagot ko hanggang sa umabot ng one whole back-to-back. Marami-rami 'yon, given also the fact na sobrang liit ng aking handwriting. 

Now that I think about it, I never knew I can be this crazy.

"By the way, dear sister, I'll help you fix your baggage now. Faster. Maaga ang bus bukas."

Muli akong bumuntonghininga. Bumalik na naman sa aking isipan ang haharapin kong impiyerno bukas. I will temporarily forget who I am as I wear my sister's identity. I can still turn my back, but how am I supposed to do it? Regrets always set at the end, but I'm willing to reach that ending for the sake of my sister.

Pero paano nga bang nangyaring ganito ang lahat? Inisip kong muli ang nangyari at isa nga itong malaking katangahan.

"It's our gift to you as good staffers in our campus. Although libre lahat, you can still bring your personal money in case of emergencies or whatever the circumstances are," our principal declaired after the announcement of the winners in the Press Conference, National Journalism.

Dala marahil ng kagalakan ay biglang nagbahagi ng biyaya ang principal naming terror. Nagpalakpakan kami kasabay ng sigaw ng kasiyahan ng aking mga co-writers na halos maglundagan sa sabik lalo na nang nagsalita ulit ang principal at taas-noong isinawalat ang mga katagang,

"Free tour in Palawan!"

What a great oppurtunity to grab! Minsan lamang ito kaya pupunta ako. Hindi lang naman kami ang kasali sa trip na ito, pero kami lamang ang sponsored by the school kaya walang gagastusin.

"Wow. I'm happy for you. Advantage of being a writer."

Kasalukuyan ko ngayong inililigpit ang journal at ballpoint pen ko na ginamit sa paglista ng data para sa Speech of Dedication namin for our new built building for Grade 11 and 12. Katatapos lang kasi ang Inaugural address ni Superintendent at importante itong data para sa news writing. At ang kaibigan ko namang bakla ay nanditong kasama ko at nagtatatalak na.

"Isama mo 'ko, girl! Baka makahanap ako ng pransiskano there!" Napaismid ako sa narinig mula sa'king kaibigan. "Sige na. Tell them na writer din ako."

Saglit ko siyang tinapunan ng tingin at inismiran. Alam na niya ang ibig sabihin n'on. "Whatsoever," kontra niya rin agad sa pagpupumilit niya. "Pupunta na lang akong mag-isa kaysa gumawa pa ng nobela!" Humalukipkip siya at padaskol na umupo. Para niyang sinasagot ang sarili niyang katanungan.

"There's a lot of literature, okay?" I clarified. "Puwede kang mag-submit ng anecdote, poem, essay, fable o kahit burador lang ng isang project proposal gaya ng ginaga-"

"Stop! Ayokong mabaliw kagaya mo. Duh! Mukhang nakaka-engot yata 'yan, e. Look at you. Madalas kang nakatunganga, 'yun pala nag-iisip na ng mga worst-case scenarios. No way bes, kaimbyerna sa beauty. Baka isipin nilang hindi pa ako out patient from mental pero lumabas na!"

Bahagya akong lumayo sa kanya dahil sa lakas ng boses niya. Ipinaliwanag ko na lang na parang regalo namin ang pagpunta roon nang libre dahil kami ang nagwagi at tinaguriang panalo sa Press Con. namin. Kaya kahit magpanggap siyang writer ngayon din, hindi siya isasama. Maliban na lang kung may hang-over pa si Sir Principal sa aming pagkapanalo nang sa gano'y maisama siya kung sakali. Malaking parangal kasi iyon sapagkat national ang naganap na paligsahan, kaya sobra na lang ang tuwa ni Sir.

Fortunately, Werdy has finally able to get it.

Sabay kaming lumabas ng silid. Sa pagtahak namin sa koridor ay nakita ko ang isang estudyante na nakahawak ng hardcopy w*****d story na nakasandal sa balustrade. Tiningnan ko nang palihim ang libro at nakilala ko ang pamilyar na pabalat. Dumaan ang ngiti sa'king labi nang mapansing pupunas-punas siya ng luha.

Yes, that's my very first published book. Unlike the other writers, I am more enthusiastic in making tragic endings rather than those happy ones. Sad endings aren't always bad. They are even better sometimes. Whether it is happy or sad, if we have a fine perception, we see reality.

Ang k'wento na binabasa ng babae ay ang pinakapaborito ko sa lahat. The characters remained alive. It's not a tragedy, but definitely not a romance with forever relationship. The man and the woman have decided to end their relationship because they chose to let go rather than holding on to something they can't control anymore. I know that my story is worth the lady's tears.

Pumatak ang alas-cinco. Lulan ng taxi ay dumiretso na ako agad sa bahay. Pagdating ko sa gate ay agad akong natigilan. Nabigla ako sa nakita kong nangyayari. My initial reaction is to run and hide. It even shocked me that I still able to move my feet.

I just saw my sister kissing her boyfriend. My mind isn't innocent but my eyes haven't seen a live kissing scene yet. Fish tea. Hindi ko pa nakikita nang malinaw ang boyfriend niya at wala rin akong pakialam. The last time I saw a man inside the gates of our house is already two to three years ago.

Napapikit ako nang mariin. I clearly saw how they torridly kiss each other. The distance isn't enough to make the image blur. Saglit lang pero kitang-kita ko iyon. Malinaw sa aking memorya. Malinaw ang detalye. Dikit na dikit ang katawan ng kapatid ko sa pintuan namin habang ang boyfriend niyang nakatalikod ay nagfe-flex pa ang muscle sa leeg sa sobrang panggigigil. O baka feeling ko lang.

Oo, aktres ang kapatid ko at sanay na siya sa ganyanan. But I never thought that she's more aggressive when she's behind the camera. Baka marahil dala ng pagkasanay niya kaya niya ito nagagawa pero hindi ko pa rin lubos maisip na gano'n- ugh, sht! Tumalikod ako at sumandal sa puno habang nangangatog ang mga binti.

Hinintay kong makalabas ang golden Lamborghini ng boyfriend ni Shi saka ako tuluyang pumasok. Nadatnan ko ang kapatid kong nakaharap sa malaking salamin ng aming bahay at naglalakad na animo'y kandidata sa isang beauty pageant. She's wearing a hanging sleeveless ruffled blouse with a lace skirt. 'Yan ang suot niya kanina. Halos kita ang kaluluwa.

Hinarap niya ako at saka ngumiti na parang walang nangyaring kababalaghan kanina lang. Sanay masyado ang kambal kong actress.

"Glad your home. Wanna ask you a favor my twin."

At doon na nagsimula ang delubyo. P'wede naman siyang hindi pumunta dahil nga maliban sa may photo shoot siya, hindi siya manunulat. But because of insecurity, she declaired to her horny boyfriend that she is one. Well, I hope I rendered justice in using that adjective towards him. After all, first impression doesn't always last.

Yet, who ever knew? Her boyfriend is no other than Third Montecarlo. Thinking about the kiss they shared kills me. The pain that shrieks in my heart is inevitable.

Reality really hurts. Parang ayaw kong harapin ang tadhanang ang hirap pakitunguhan. Bukas na ang biyahe. We have separate planes kaya magkikita na lang kami sa Palawan ni Third.

I think I need to gain barrels of courage, bravery and endurance. 'Yan ang mga pangunahing kailangan ko. Dahil kung wala ang mga iyan, babaha ang luha't tatangayin kaming muli sa nakaraan. Tomorrow, I'll face the present. The present that is made not for me but the role I'm going to play-my sister's.

Napatitig ako sa dalawang maletang nasa harap ko na katatapos lang naming i-empake. Good for a couple of days. Couple of days in Palawan-not as me but as my sister. Couple of days playing with a fire. Couple of days being with HIM.

Nanghinayang ang principal namin ganoon din ang iba kong kasamahan nang sinabi kong hindi ako makakasama sa kanila. Buti at hindi na sila nagtanong pa kung bakit. Sabi nila, pagsisisihan ko raw ito. Hindi nila alam, sasama ako pero gamit ang ibang katauhan.

Oo, pagsisisihan ko ito pero handa akong sumugal para sa kapatid ko. Handa akong masaktan basta huwag lang siyang mawala. We are already orphans. Sabay namatay ang mga magulang namin, halos dalawang-taon pa lang ang nakalipas. She's the only one that I have now and I don't want to lose her as well. Sanay akong nag-iisa, literally. Pero ang mag-isa sa buhay ay hindi ko na kaya. I might be lonely but I do not want to be alone.

"Sorry ulit, Sarina. Last na ito na pagpapanggap mo, pangako. Ayoko lang kasing magmukhang napakababa sa kanya."

Nangunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. Model in a best-selling magazine and protagonist in a magical genre series on TV, mababa? Ano ang standard mayro'n si Third at mababa pa sa kanya ang mga 'yon?

"He loves those who are having the same passion as he has. Kahit i-deny niya sa akin, alam kong gano'n ang hanap niya. I can't blame him. He has an unreadable taste."

Napabuntonghininga ako. Hindi ko inakalang gano'n siya. Ang maamo niyang mukha ngunit nakakayanig ng bahay-bata niyang kamandag ay malayong maging isang manunulat. Karamihan sa mga tipo niya ay 'yung showy ang talent-something like singing, dancing, playing sports, or being a model. Maganda ang katawan niya-hot, nakakaakit, ramdam kahit nakapikit.

"Let's sleep now for you to get ready for tomorrow."

Sobrang nakakakaba. Sobrang nakakatakot. Pero sa huli, kailangan kong sumugal.

Bukas. Bukas na magsisimula ang lahat. After a long time, we'll see each other again, Third Montecarlo.

Fish tea.