3. Twenty- six

I closed the door behind me and turned around to face Ethan. He made my room look small, his overbearing and muscular physique looked out of place in my room. 

"I know what you're going to say, Zara." He said and sat down on my bed. 

"You do?" I asked and whirled my chair to sit in front of him. He looked calm and totally in control of his thoughts. I didn't know what he was feeling. I didn't know what he was thinking. I wanted to know about both. Desperately. 

"I do. I'm just waiting for you to say something." He pointedly said and waited for me to say something. I opened my mouth to tell him what I had decided but no words came out. He rolled his eyes and bent to unlace his boots. He was getting comfortable, great.

I clenched my eyes shut and disposed of every contradictory argument. "It's about, Harper." I sighed, hoping he would magically catch on to what I was trying to say. 

He sighed and laughed at me. "Okay, let me make this easy for you. You don't want to hurt my feelings and are trying the best way to say that you and I should hit a pause on whatever we were doing. Am I right?" 

I cringed at his choice of words. Whatever we were doing? At least I would have used a better phrase with some tact. "I still feel for him," I whispered, hoping Ethan wouldn't take offense and understand where I was coming from. 

"Of course, you do, Zara. He's your mate." He whispered and smiled at me. I felt a lot better after seeing his smile. 

And that smile was all the encouragement I needed. "It's just I love him so much and I don't know if it's just the mate bond or not, a huge part of me just wants to jump into his arms every time I see him. Things are just so unfinished between us. Neither of us got any definite closure, just half-assed phone calls and separation. And he has changed so much. I want to sit down with him and have a good conversation and I want him to listen to what I have to say. I want him to assuage my fears and insecurities."

"I understand what you're feeling, Zara. It's natural to feel that way, believe me." He explained and somehow his words made me feel so much better.

"I thought that I had overcome my feelings for Harper. I thought I was done with him. I thought that I was helping the wolves because I cared about them. It's taken me so long to figure out the real reason. I have been listening to the moon goddess so I could help Harper, even if it's as measly as passing messages from the moon goddess." I ranted and put my head in my hands. "I wanted to forget him, I did. I thought I was stronger than this. Harper has hurt me so much but he is showing me that he cares for me and I want to explore that possibility otherwise I won't ever forget himself. If I let go of this thing between me and Harper now, I know I'll regret it forever. I'll keep thinking about what could have been. And I don't want that. I don't want to have regrets. I'd rather be hurt again than be left wondering about what would have happened if I had been emotionally strong to take the tougher path." 

It felt so good to let it all out in the open. I had said things I hadn't even admitted to myself and it felt so cathartic. It felt like a weight being lifted off my chest. It felt as if I could breathe now. 

"And considering that I still have feelings for Harper, me continuing things with you seems wrong. It's seemed unfair to you, to Harper, and even me." I stared at Ethan, wondering if he was going to storm out of the room any second now but he regarded me with a passive impression.

"So, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to wait? Do you want to end things between us?" 

"I can't ask you to wait for me, Ethan. That would be entirely selfish and cruel of me and I have been trying to right the wrongs I have made." I said and watched as Ethan looked at the ground. "And so, I will completely understand if you want to pack your bags and go back home," I whispered the last words, hoping Ethan would drop his stony facade and let me know what was going on inside his head. 

"I'm not going anywhere, Zara," Ethan said firmly as if my suggesting otherwise was foolhardy. 

"You're not?" I gaped. 

"No, I'm not going anywhere. Not because I hold hope of you falling in love with me like a love-sick fool but because I want to be by your side." I opened my mouth to say something but he held up his hand. "The moon goddess gave me the job of being your batair, your protector and that means something to me. You give a purpose to my life, Zara and that purpose is noble. If you'll have me, I want to stay by your side because then at least I'll be worth something for someone."

My eyes stung at his words and I clenched them shut to ward off the tears. "I don't deserve you," I whispered, my voice cracking.

"I know you don't." He laughed and I hit him with my pillow. "After what happened during the training session, I'm sure Harper must be anxious right now. It's not that late, I suggest you at least try to find him."

"You're serious?" I laughed. He was asking me to look for Harper right now. I had called him the whole day. If he had wanted to see me, he would have called me by now. A simple I'm okay would have been fine too. 

"I am very serious. He saw me practically on top of you in front of everyone else. It must have thrown his wolf into a frenzy. He would need to throw me away and show me who was in charge. His wolf was so antsy he forced everyone into submission. I bet he wants to see you right now, Zara." 

Well, when he put it like that. "But my parents?"

"I'll take care of them. Now, go. It's not that late. If you find him now, you'll probably be back by midnight and not break curfew."

I stood up from the chair and hugged him. I couldn't help it; he has been such a stronghold for me and he was beyond understanding of my feelings when even I couldn't make sense of them. He has supported me from the minute we became friends and I could not have asked for anyone better to stay by my side. 

I didn't change my clothes and climbed down the stairs, careful not to alert my parents. I took my keys and got inside my car. 

I pulled my phone out of my sweatpants and dialed Harper's number. It rang and rang and went straight to voicemail. I dialed it again, only to be answered by his voicemail. I sighed, this was most irritating. What was I supposed to do now? I suppose I could drive around town, hoping for a glimpse of him or I could just wait at one spot and wait for him there. The latter option sounded less insane during this time of the night. 

Going to the hospital was out of the question. The nurses and the staff had been profoundly welcomed to me but I wouldn't want to spend my night in a hospital waiting for him. Moreover, visiting hours were over hours ago and I doubt they would allow me to stay. 

I could wait at his old grandparent's cabin but it was deep in the woods and since I had only been there a couple of times, I wasn't confident I could find it. 

I could wander around the jungle and call out to him and meanwhile, also invite other wild animals to feast on me. I groaned in the car and huffed in irritation. 

I suppose I could go to the pack house and wait for him in his room. I had been to his room several times and he would have to turn up there at some point in time. It was my best bet anyway, so I turned on the ignition and drove towards the pack house.

I sighed as I looked at the building before me. It looked homey yet opulent at the same time. I got out of the car and climbed up the steps to the front gate. 

I rang the bell and the door was opened by a woman in her late fifties a few minutes later. She just smiled at me and opened the door for me to get in. "Thank you", she nodded at me and left me to do as I pleased.

With all the drama revolving around me and Harper, all I wanted was to sneak into his room without anyone noticing me. So, I climbed the stairs toward the alpha wing and walked toward his room. I only hoped that his room had not changed since he had become the alpha. 

I knocked twice on the door, desperately hoping to find him there. I pressed my ear to the door and heard a scraping noise. So, Harper knew someone was outside his room and he was intentionally ignoring me. 

I huffed in irritation and opened the door. I stepped inside to see that it was swept in darkness. I opened the door to allow the lightness of the hall to illuminate a few feet of the room.

The room was a mess. Not in a teenage boy kind of mess but someone has been here and searched every corner of the room mess. I gasped as I took in the sight. Tables were upturned, the bedspread was thrown to the floor, papers and books were on the ground and all the drawers were thrown on the floor. 

What the hell happened here?