3. Forty- nine

I think what the moon goddess said somehow helped me get over Ethan's death. I was still wrung and grieving about him for weeks, don't get me wrong but thinking about how must be at peace somehow made it easy to bear his loss. If I were to believe the goddess' words, Ethan wasn't happy in his life and was lost because he had no apparent purpose. I like to think that he got the release he so desperately wanted and needed. 

Even after knowing all this, I still couldn't cope with the fact that I won't be seeing him every day. He had been my source of comfort and strength for so long, he was someone I could lean on. He had begun to understand me in ways I'd never thought possible. And his absence felt left like a big void and I wasn't sure I could fill it. I didn't know if it was possible to fill it. 

When Harper told me that Ethan wouldn't be getting a funeral like the pack members because he was a rogue, I had been so infuriated. I knew that what Harper was saying was a part of who he was, that this was part of the werewolf legacy, but it angered me nonetheless. It felt so wrong because even though Ethan hadn't been a pack member, he had fought against the rogues like every other pack member. It wasn't his fight. He only wanted to make sure that I would be safe and he could have retreated the moment he saw that I was safe behind the pack borders. So, Harper watched me rage on and on about the unfairness of this situation and when I finally calmed down, he explained that Ethan would still get a funeral but his final rites can't be performed by the alpha of the pack because his fealty wasn't towards the pack or the alpha of the pack. 

When Harper told me that since Ethan's allegiance was to me and since I was the reason, he had got a temporary part in the pack, I would have to be the one to decide how he should be laid out to rest. When he told me that, I had gone completely rigid because it felt like such a big responsibility and I wasn't sure I could do it. Sensing my shift in moods, Harper immediately engulfed me in his arms and asked me to take slow and deep breaths. His nearness did some things to me and I felt myself relaxing at his proximity, at the touch of his skin, and because of his familiar masculine scent. 

Planning Ethan's funeral seemed such a huge and personal task to me. I felt like I didn't deserve it, I felt as if his family had more of a right to do it than me. When the thought crossed my mind, I burst into tears because his parents didn't even know that he was dead. I couldn't imagine the grief his family would have to go through. Harper's presence helped a lot. He soothed me by saying soft whispers into my ear and rubbing my back up and down in an order to calm me down. 

I had asked Harper to call Ethan's parents because I knew that it would mean a lot to his parents if the white alpha personally called them and informed them of the sad news. Being the white alpha, he had all the contact details of all the packs in his office and it didn't take very long for him to give them the news like I had predicted Ethan's parents felt a genuine honor in knowing that their son had died for a white alpha though I could hear that they were trying to be strong even though their voices cracked several times over the phone. 

Ethan's whole family had flowed in and his parents had been honored that the Luna of the white alpha was going to decide how Ethan would be laid to rest. I wasn't sure I deserved that sentiment and it made me feel a bit uneasy. It hurt to meet his parents and it tore me apart to meet them under such circumstances. I and Ethan had talked about his parents back when I was living at my sister's and I never thought that I would meet them like this. It felt so wrong and I felt a gaping hole in my chest that didn't feel like it was going to disappear anytime soon.

Ethan also talked about his funeral and I found it odd that he would talk about such a dreadful thing like his own death but now I wonder if, in some corner of his mind, he knew about his own death. The thought unsettled me and chilled me to the bones. He always said that being buried in a coffin sounded so meaningless and final to him like it was the end of something. And he didn't want his life to be bracketed between his earth and the day he was laid in the ground. He said he would much prefer if someone would just disperse his ashes into the air. 

But it sounded so crass, his ashes being dispersed into the air. It felt like losing him all over again. I didn't think I could do it so I did the next best thing. I gave half of Ethan's ashes to his parents for them to lay their son to rest in their own way while I held onto the rest of him. It felt so crumbling to know that all that was left of Ethan, this amazing person who saved me so many times. The urn in my hands felt so heavy, it felt like a part of me was in it and Harper's hands on my shoulders at the moment were the only thing that kept me from breaking down.

I buried his ashes in the pack grounds and planted a tree sapling. It gave me comfort to know that Ethan's death would still be able to give support to a new life. It made me feel at peace. When I had first proposed it, I was afraid that Harper wouldn't allow a rogue to be buried in pack boundaries but he didn't make any comment on it. So, I found a quaint spot in a corner of the pack grounds and with a heavy heart, buried Ethan inside the ground. 

When the final rites of Ethan were finally over, Harper told me that Natalie and Addison have decided to give their mate bond a chance. To do that, Natalie and Harper would have to break the alpha-luna bond between us. I knew that the only way to do this was for Harper or Natalie to mark their true mates. I remember that moment so clearly because I could feel a sort of panic kick in because even though I wanted to be with Harper, I wasn't ready for him to mark me. I wanted to take it slow and revel in the development of our relationship instead of blindly jumping like last time. I wanted to be careful this time. I wanted to protect myself this time. Falling back into what we used to be could be so easy but I didn't want to repeat my past mistakes again. Before I could voice out my opinions, Harper had begun to tell me how Natalie and Addison had decided to mark each other, thus breaking the bond between Natalie and Harper.

I had stopped wearing the silver jeweler Sebastian had given me when I was going away and I could feel myself becoming attuned to Harper's emotions and I found some comfort in the fact but was surprised at how fast the bond between us felt. It was as if by going away I had pulled the bond between us into a taut string and when I came back, it immediately snapped back into place to make up for lost time. But strangely, after all this time and after all I have been through, I knew that I didn't mind it. I wanted to be with harper and I hoped that in that moment he could feel what I was feeling. 

It was two weeks after Ethan's funeral, after his family had flown back that the ceremony took place. Harper explained to me in cases like these, the mates who mark each other first have to do it in front of the alpha and beta with a few other witnesses present so that everyone can attest to the fact that the couple marking each other are true mates. To be honest, I was glad that Harper wasn't the one marking me right then because this act seemed so personal and I didn't want to do it in front of everyone. 

I hadn't talked to Natalie or anyone really, besides Harper since Ethan's death and when I first saw her and Addison make their way towards the raised platform, both of them dressed in long white dresses under the full moon, I couldn't help but smile at both of them. I had no idea that Natalie's mate would be a girl but it somehow placated me to know that. I already knew about what had happened between Harper and Natalie, which helped me move on and get rid of my insecurities to some extent. 

The full moon somehow amplifies the raw animal instincts of the werewolves and the two girls needed no added stimulation to get their canines out and sink their teeth into the juncture of each other's neck and shoulder. A little blood trickled down their shoulders, staining their dresses red. I watched in fascination and felt electrified when Harper came to stand beside me. He gripped my hand in his and caressed the back of my hand with his thumb. At that moment, it felt as if everything was going to be ok. 

The one thing I hadn't expected to do after so much was to go back to school. Someone after being introduced to the werewolf world, going away because of mate issues, being kidnapped and losing one of the people I cared about the most, I actually forgot that I was a high school senior who would be graduating in a few months. After everything that had happened, going back to school felt so weird. It was a normal that I felt so strange and new to me. 

Slipping back into old routines was easy. Sitting with the Natalie, Samantha, Aiden, and Harper. It felt so normal, like I couldn't imagine sitting somewhere or with someone else. At first all of us couldn't find a common ground to talk to because the situation was so complicated. But the tension dissolved as naturally as it had formed.

I can't explain how or why but being with Harper seemed so much easier than being without Harper. I acknowledged the fact that he had a very active history but being with Natalie wasn't his fault. It was out of their hands and they were living the consequences of the supernatural act as much as me and Addison. It was totally wrong for me to hate them and condemn them when they did nothing wrong. Accepting Mason was another matter altogether because it was so hard. He was an innocent little child who was the result of the interference of powers so superior to us that it was impossible to do anything about it. With time, I grew to accept him. I confess with brutal honesty that it was not an easy feat. I just accepted the fact that Mason and Harper were a package deal and I couldn't have one without the other. 

I had been wondering this decision for many months and I had finally come to a decision about the matter. It was ironic how me and Harper had come a full circle and I couldn't help but notice that even the planetary movements supported my theory. I say this because it was a full moon on Harper's birthday when I finally approached him and asked him to mark me. I remembered Ethan telling me how human could mark their mates if they were marked on a full moon. I asked Harper if he would be okay with it even though I knew it that he would be. We had starting dating after a few weeks of Ethan's funeral and gotten stronger with each passing day. So, when I proposed he mark me on his birthday, he complied.