2. Forty- two

The dream with the moon goddess only strengthened my resolve to call Harper. So, when I woke up, got fresh, I came good on my promise.

I won't sugarcoat it. The decision was so hard. I practically sat on my clean bed, with my phone in my hand, doubting my decision and wondering about the potential consequences of this phone call. 

This could end either way. I could get my heart broken again or not, but I knew I would feel miserable. Whatever way our conversation went. 

So, after all the overthinking and overstressing, I just decided to get it over with. I turned my phone on and dialed Harper's phone, which I had blocked a few months ago. 

I was on the verge of hyperventilating and I kept wanting to cut the call while it was still dialing. I didn't know what was Harper doing right then, what if it was something important and he couldn't pick up the call? Half the time, I wished it would keep ringing and go to voicemail so I wouldn't have to talk to him. 

I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to know how he was doing, and how he was coping, and at the same time I didn't. I clenched my phone so hard, I was afraid I was going to break it. Ha! If only I had werewolf strength.

I didn't know how many breaths I took the whole time my phone was dialing, but the number wasn't very great and just when I thought that no one would pick up the phone, I heard the call being accepted.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I put my phone beside my ear, not knowing what to say. What was I supposed to say? I had everything mentally written and prepared and now that the call had been picked up, I had forgotten how to speak.

"Hello." Harper's voice was slightly different when he was on the phone but even the voice through the phone sent shivers through my spine. 

"Harper," I whispered, afraid he would cut the call and ask me to never talk to him again.

I heard him take a deep breath through the phone and I bit my lip to contain the excitement my body was experiencing while talking to him. Suddenly, I couldn't believe how I had gone through so much time without him. Without talking to him and being in contact with him.

"Zara." My heart clenched and tears threatened to break out when he said my name. I missed him so much. If it wasn't clear enough before it was clear now, I was still in love with him. 

"How are you?" I asked, genuinely wanting to know how he was faring. 

"Things have been hard since you have been gone." He confessed tiredly and I wondered if my going away was a selfish decision. I knew I had hurt so many people by my decision. It was true that Harper had hurt me, maybe beyond redemption, but was what I did right? Was my leaving him like this, without any notice, similar to taking out an eye for an eye? I could argue that maybe on some level he deserved it, but I was sure others didn't. Like my parents. Or my brother. Or Samantha. Or Aiden.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, afraid of breaking the trance and connection with him, if I raised my voice. "I came to know about everything. Katelyn. The attack. Sebastian."

"How do you know that?" 

"The dreams," I confirmed, waiting and wanting to hear him speak again.

He scoffed. "Of course. The dreams with the goddess." 

I didn't say anything to that. What was I supposed to say? I had a feeling that he didn't want me to say anything to that. His scoff seemed accusatory and I crossed my legs over my bed to sit comfortably.

I heard a slight crackle through the phone which must have been Harper taking a deep breath. "You left me." His tone was accusatory, heartbroken and so, so, tired. 

I closed my eyes as two tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't think it would be this painful to talk to him. So, so painful. I didn't expect sunshine and rainbows, I did expect a lot of bad blood but I never thought I would feel this way. 

I nodded, feeling my heart breaking too. As cliché as that sounds. "I had to. I couldn't even think straight with everything that was happening."

"I understand." He whispered. 

"How's Katelyn?" I quickly asked, desperately trying to lighten the mood and steer the conversation on a brighter path. 

"She defeats you." He chuckled, clearly already enamored by his baby sister. 

"Huh?" 

"I think I love her more than I love you." He said and my breath hitched as he said those words. Suddenly, I wanted to meet his little sister who had stolen his heart in this short period. God, I was jealous of a newborn baby.

"You do?" I asked, breathless, the realization of the fact that he had indirectly told me that he still loved me washing over me after a few seconds.

"I never stopped." My shoulders shook as tears streamed down my cheeks and sobs wracked my body. I had this overwhelming desire to see Harper right then and kiss him and tell him that I loved him too. I had never said it back to him, I realized then. I had never said these three words to Harper because I was always afraid of him changing his mind and I was so inside about my feelings. I could hardly say these words on the phone though. It would do no justice to my feelings for Harper and to the mate bond between us.

"Zara, Zara. Hey!" His voice grew more panicky as I cried over the phone. "Don't cry, please. I don't think I'll be able to handle it." 

I put my hand over my mouth to control the sobbing noises and to control the floodgates of my emotions. "I missed you so much," I whispered, my voice already becoming deep and hoarse by crying.

"You know, Zara. I feel every time you kiss someone else. I feel my body burning every time you choose to be with someone else. So, I hardly doubt you missed me like you say you do. It's been what, three months." His voice remained smooth and even as he said those words but I could feel how hurt he was. I never knew he could feel the effects of the bond like that. I thought that as I was wearing silver, I was weakening the bond on both sides. If I had known it didn't work that way...... I had no idea what I would have done or not done.

"It's complicated." I blurted without thinking and then wished I could take my words back. It sounded like an excuse and a pathetic one at that. And I knew that Ethan was more than that to me. He was a dear friend and didn't deserve to be written off like that.

"Look, Zara. Is there even a point to this call? Why did you call me after all this time? I won't say that I have been fine without you, that would be a total lie. But I was trying to live and you calling me has thrown me off a loop. You've thrown my wolf off a loop." He confessed, sounding exhausted and guilt tripped me as he said those words. Why had I called him?

I had called him because I wanted to know if he was doing okay. More importantly, I wanted to know if there was any potential chance of Natalie and Harper ever coming together. If I do decide to go back sometime in the future, what my life would look like, with Harper's child and Natalie in between us?

"I wanted to call you because I wanted to know how's Natalie doing," I whispered, hating how my voice sounded uncertain and weak. I hated how he had the power to do that to me. 

"I don't know." Harper sighed. "Are you coming back?"

"What do you mean you don't know?" I asked, flabbergasted. 

"It means I don't know. She was bleeding last night and I haven't heard from the doctors yet." 

"She was bleeding?" I inquired, surprised at his admission. Even though Natalie had hurt me in her way, it didn't mean that I stopped thinking about her or caring about her. 

"Yes, she was." Oh god! Did she have a miscarriage? Was she and the baby in danger? 

"Do you love her?" I blurted the question without thinking and cringed the second it left my mouth. There she was bleeding and here was my insecure ass, asking if Harper loved her. 

"What?" He shrieked and sounded indignant at the same time. 

"You heard me," I asked, fidgeting nervously with my necklace, both dreading and expecting his answer. 

"No!" He sounded forceful and offended that the thought had even crossed my mind. Could he blame me though?

"Does she love you?" I asked. Harper was my mate so I could believe that he loved me and not Natalie but she hadn't found her mate yet, so there was a possibility of her falling for him. I'd hate to be impulsive again and get my heart broken again so I wasn't going to take any chances. Awkward conversations were better than broken hearts.

"She says she doesn't." 

"So, you have already asked her," I stated, waiting for him to confirm it.

"I have, yes." He spoke and then waited for a second. "I needed to know that. I had to be in the baby's life and it would complicate things if she was into me."

I scoffed. "Yeah, as if the situation isn't already complicated enough."

"Why are you asking me this, Zara? Say what you want to say." He demanded, with a lilt of his alpha pride behind his voice, sending shivers down my spine.

"I just want to know Harper if you are going to leave our bed in the middle of the night to run to her if she is bleeding again," I said, my voice coming out stronger because this was what I had wanted to know. I knew I couldn't change the situation and it was on me if I wanted to make the best of it.

"Zara, if any pack member needed my help in the middle of the night, I would help them." Harper's voice was protective and strong, his protective alpha instincts showing how much he cared for his pack members.

"But Natalie isn't any pack member, is she?" I questioned my voice barely a whisper.

"No, she isn't." He said, his voice firm and steady. "I love you, Zara. I do. I want you to believe it."

My heart broke as the dynamics of the situation shook me. It was something I had known all along and desperately tried to avoid it. My shoulders shook with sobs and my voice cracked as I voiced my opinions and my decision. "Harper, I can't do it. God knows I have missed you but I can't live like this. How am I supposed to live with you when you are having a child with Natalie? The three of you look like a family more than the four of us do. I don't fit in the picture, not anymore. It will hurt me so much to see you with your child and Natalie."

"Zara, hey! It's not like that."

"I'm so sorry, Harper." I cried and choked on the ball lodged in my throat. "I don't think I'm coming back."

"Zara, wai-". 

I cut off the call before he could say anything else and took a deep breath. I wiped my tears and quickly blocked Harper's number again. I put the phone on the nightstand again and laid down on my bed, ready to cry my eyes out.