Kabanata 10

Apologize

Pangatlong araw ko na ngayon sa hospital nina Tayl and I'm still couldn't move my left shoulder.Medyo masakit pa din yung tinamaan.Marami-rami din daw ang nawala sa aking dugo.Kaya medyo nanghihina pa din ako sa hanggang ngayon.

After that incident, kahit na hindi maganda ang naging encounter namin ni Rous.Pinababa ko pa din ang pride ko para pakiusapan at paalalahanan ko sya na huwag na huwag nya itong babangitin sa pamilya ko.My family doesn't have any idea what I'm doing and facing in the first place, kaya hindi sila pwedeng madamay dito.

Ako ang nagpasok sa akin dito kaya ako lang dapat ang pwedeng masangkot.

I'm not blaming anyone.Walang may gustong mangyari nito.Ngunit dahil na siguro sa hindi ako marunong makinig kaya ako nandito ngayon.Nakakulong sa apat na sulok na puro puti lang ang nakikita.

Napaangat ang aking tingin ng  sa pintuan ng bigla itong bumukas.

It's Doctor Lazaro.Nagulat pa sya ng makita akong nakatingin sa kanya.

"Oh, you're awake.How are you feeling?" He immediately asked.The Doctor maybe in the mid of 40's but his still good looking.

"My left shoulder hurts a bit but not that bad.I think I'm good to go, Doc." Pang-aamin kong sagot sa kanya.

Gusto ko na rin umuwi.Namimiss ko na higaan ko.

"Tamang-tama iyan din sana sasabihin ko na pupwede ka ng makalabas ngayon but if you want to rest more, you can stay here longer."

"Okay na ako, Doc.Sa apartment ko nalang itutuloy yung pagpapahinga ko."

"If that's so, pwede na kitang discharge mamaya.After lunch nalang para kahit papaano makapagpahinga ka pa ng unti."

"Thank you, Doc." Tanging sagot ko na lamang.

But he remain standing infront of me.

"I'm not in the position to say this, Five.But sometimes you have to listen to what others have to say.Walang mawawala.Hindi pwedeng sarili mo lang pinapakinggan mo kung ayaw mong may madamay pang iba.Binigyan nya naman ako ng tipid na ngiti."Pahinga ka na muna, maiwan na kita." Bago sya tuluyang lumabas ng aking silid.At hinatid ko na lamang sya sa pamamagitan ng aking tingin.

Gusto kong sabihing mali ang binitawan nyang mga salita ngunit kahit balibaliktarin ang mga iyon, tama at tama pa din ang kalalabasan.

I'm not a good listener but I need and should learn how to listen para na rin sa sarili ko.Ito ang isa sa hindi ko nagawa nung parati akong pinapangaralan ni Daddy at Mommy, ang makinig.Siguro kung marunong lang akong makinig, hindi ako aabot sa ganito.Malayo ang loob sa kanila, na halos stranger na ang turingan namin sa isa't-isa.

But this is life.Hindi man umayon sa atin ang lahat kailangang magpatuloy.

Hindi pa huli ang lahat para sa pagbabago kung gugustuhin mo.At sa parte ko unti-onti ko ng napagtantong kailangan ko ng bumawi sa pamilya ko sa mga panahong nakasara ang mga tenga ko.

Alam ko itong mga nangyayari sakin ngayon ay nag-uumpisa pa lamang.Pero simula ngayon handa na akong makinig sa sasabihin ng iba.Kung ayaw kong may mawala pa.

Nabaling lang ang aking pag-iisip sa pintuan ng unti-onti itong bumukas.

Hindi ko alam kung ba't may naumumuong kaba sa aking dibdib when I saw him entered.

Tahimik lang syang naglakad papunta sa couch na naroroon sa gilid na tapat ko at naupo.He's looking at me intently na wari moy binabasa kung anong nasa isip ko.

"Did my parents know already of what happened to me?" Diretsong pagtatanong ko sa kanya.He didn't respond but his face couldn't hide the disappointment.

I got it.

So, I asked him again."What are you doing here?"

"Did you realize now that your decisions are wrong?" He answered me with a question.

I can't straightly look at him.He's eyes is so intimidating---calm but intimidating!

I just look up at the ceiling na animoy nandoon ang sagot sa kanyang tanong."Kung anuman ang nangyari sa akin, hindi kasama ang mga naging desisyon ko sa nangyaring iyon.It was all pure incident," I honestly answered.

I saw him from my peripheral vision, shaking his head.Hindi pabor sa naging sagot ko.

I remain staring at the ceiling.Waiting for his another question but he chose to stay in silence.

I don't know what exactly he's doing here, if he's visiting me or he's here just to remind that my decisions are wrong again and again.

I think it's the perfect time to apologize of what I did last time.

I know it's not my nature to apologize but if this is the way to stop him from questioning my capabilities then, I will do it!

But you know what, people who happen to have the highest pride are afraid to apologize.They would think it's they're entirely loss when they start apologizing.Totally not! They're not afraid to loss, they're afraid of what will going to happen with their pride after apologizing.

Minsan hindi mo na kailangang pagsabihan ka pa para humingi ng tawag, makiramdam ka lang sapat na iyon.Pero kadalasan kahit anong hingi mo ng tawad, kung napipilitan ka lang naman mas mabuti pang huwag ka nalang humingi ng tawad.Sarili mo lang niloloko mo.

Hindi nasusukat ang paghingi ng tawad sa iyong nagawang kasalanan.Mistake is mistake.And the best way to make that mistake forgiven—accept your mistake, apologize and learn from it.

So, I did what's the best thing to do.Tinignan ko ang kinaroroonan niya and I startled a bit when he's looking at me, intently.

Hindi ko pinahalata ang kabang aking nararamdaman.Nandito na ako why not say it directly to him.Apologize Vein!

"A-bout what happened last time." Shit! I can feel my nervousness in my voice.

He raised his eyebrows like, he's saying what about last time?

"I'm sorry." Mahina kong wika sabay yuko.Mas tumaas 'yung kabang nararamdaman ko.I can't say it directly to him.Parang may pumipigil sa akin.

"What?" Naguguluhang tanong nya.I don't know if he's joking but definitely not.I never seen him joke.

I take a deep breath and repeat what I've just said."I said, I'm sorry." Then look at him.

Tumagal ng limang segundo ang tinginang iyon.Ako na din ang umiwas,I can't help it.

Why the fuck am I feeling like a teenager girl now.

He didn't say anything.I assume, he got my message.

Silence is now starting to enveloping us.Sakto namang nag-ring ang aking cellphone na nakapatong sa side table.

I pick it up and when I read the name, I quickly swift the swipe answer button.

"Hello, Dad." I answered.

I saw Rous stood up when he heard who called and leave without saying anything.

He's giving us some privacy.

"Vein, did you already enrolled?" Dad asked.

"I'm not---"

"Your last enrollment is on Friday the day after tomorrow.So, what are you waiting?" He cut me off.

"I will enroll, Dad.I'm just busy over something." 

"Busy? Tell me?" He asked.

Shit! Did I, said it?

"I mean, I'm busy working with my papers." 

Please, believe it.

"I hope you're telling the truth, Vein.Hindi ako nagkulang na paalalahanan ka."

"I know, Dad."

I've heard some background voices over the phone kaya alam kong hindi pa pinapatay ni Dad ang tawag.

Lokohin ko man ang sarili ko o hindi.I'm missing my family so much.Kahit hindi nila ako masyadong kinakamusta, I'm still hoping that they miss me, too.

"How's your life?" Dad suddenly ask.

After hearing Dad's words.Hindi ko mapigilang maluha.He still care for me.

"I-I'm okay, Dad." I stuttered.

"Go home on weekend, will have an important announcement." He inform me then ended the call.

I wipe my tears using my back hand.Hindi nya na ako hinintay na sumagot.

I'm still holding my phone.Pero hindi ko mapigilang mapa-isip sa kanyang tinuran.For almost two months na nawalay ako sa aming bahay ngayon lang niya ako niyaya na umuwi.I think there is not just an important announcement.Ba't kailangan nandun pa ako, kung may problema naman sa kompanya anong alam ko doon, kung problema naman kay ate mas malabo pang mangyari iyon, she's almost perfect.At Imposible namang ako, I trust Rous.He wouldn't let my decisions ruin.

Afternoon came.Ayoko ng mag-aksaya pa ng oras na mamalagi dito sa ospital.

"Stay safe and rest more, Vein." Paalala ni Doctor Lazaro.

I just give him a nod.

The bills are settled already.Kaya wala na akong aalalahanin.Tayl already handle it.She wanted to come here and bring me to my apartment but apparently she have an appointment today.And I wouldn't want to disturb Vanx and Tony.It's Wednesday, as expected went out.

I leave my room with my handle bag.I'll  just probably ride a taxi on my way home.

Pagka-apak ko sa labas ng ospital.Sun's automatically hit my face.Medyo masakit ang tama nito, but it gives me so much energy now.Ilang araw din akong 'di naawaran.

I wear my hoody when there's no taxi around.

Tatawagan ko na sana si Tayl, para magpasundo sa company car nila.

When a car suddenly stop infront of me.It's a black Maserati.Ipagpapatuloy ko pa sana ang pagtawag kay Tayl, nang bumaba ang bintana na nasa tapat ko.And when I look who's inside it's Rous!

"Get in." He flatly said.

Tinignan ko lamang sya.At inayos Ang suot kong hoody mas tumitindi kasi ang init.I thought he already left.

"I have no time for your pride.Now, get in." He prankly said.

I wanted to defend myself with what he said.Pero pinili ko na lamang manahimik, nasabi nya na.What's the use?

I silently open the passenger seat and climb in it.I sat uncomfortably, wear the seatbelt and put my bag in my lap.

I heard him tsk.

Walang paalam na kinuha nya ang aking bag, inilagay sa backseat.At pinasibad na ang sasakyan.

This is the boring ride all my life.Malayong-layo noong una nya akong isinakay sa kotse nya.I'm not expecting something but this is so undeniably boring.

Hindi ko alam kung anong nasa isip nya.He's definitely hard to read.Kayang-kaya nyang itago kung anumang nararamdaman nya.

"I'm driving.Don't look at me." Rinig kong wika nya.

Kaya napaayos ako bigla ng upo at humarap sa bintana.

"I'm not." Pagdedepensa ko sa sarili ko. 

Damn you, Vein! Ipinapahamak mo lang sarili mo.

Diretso lang sya sa pagmamaneho.Binalewala lang ang sinabi ko.

When we're nearly to my apartment.I feel excited to finally home.I miss my home.

Pagkapatay nya ng sasakyan.Nauna pa syang bumaba kaysa sa akin kaya agaran din akong bumaba.

Nakita kong kinuha nya sa backseat ang aking bag at umikot na papunta sa akin para ibigay ito.

"Thanks for the ride." I simply said.

Tango lang ang sagot nya.Bumalik din agad sa kanyang sasakyan at muli na itong pinasibad.

Hindi ko mapigilang hindi mapaisip.I already said my apology.I'm expecting na kahit  simpleng welcome lang maibalik nya.I mean, I'm not being demanding or so, I just couldn't help but to amaze of his personality.I think I should use to it that he'll never be casual when it comes to me.

Papasok na ako ng gate ng marinig kong nagvibrate ang aking cellphone.I think it's Tayl, asking if I'm home by now.

When I read the message it's from---

Unknown:

Welcome.Rest.

I feel my heart beating so fast! Hinawakan ko ito, huminga ng malalim at nag-exhale, inhale.Kalaunan bumalik din sa normal ang tibok nito.

Shit! Kinabahan ako doon.May sakit na ba ako sa puso?

I should do an appointment with Doctor Lazaro to check me again.