Weakness Pt. 1

The street was empty this early in the morning. At these just post-sunrise moments of the day where most are still sleeping, or still at their homes getting ready for the day's agenda to play out, I walked the sidewalk as the day got brighter.

I kept my head firmly down, watching my feet slowly trespass the sidewalk that led me to my work.

The air was cool, brisk with impending winter. The wind picked up and I saw the evidence of the chill displayed in gooseflesh up my arms.

I didn't bother putting on a coat this morning. I wish I could feel the cold enough for it to make a difference. I sigh and shake off those thoughts as I walk into my workplace.

The warm air hit me as I heard the chime over the door ding as I walked in.

The chairs had already been set to the floor and I could smell the coffee brewing and the pastries baking.

"Mattie, did you walk here without a jacket on?"

I looked up as I stepped around the counter and met Liz's worried stare.

Liz was twelve years older than me at thirty-four, but one couldn't tell by looking at her. She was beautiful and maternal, while fierce and protective. Her look made my gaze fall and I bit my lower lip. I heard her sigh and I hugged myself tighter. My heart started to speed up and my senses started to distort.

"Mattie, sweetie, hey," I jumped when she touched my shoulder, my face instantly becoming red with shame. "Come on, honey, breathe. Sit."

She directed me to a chair and with a word went to fetch me a cup of coffee. She was back a few moments later, a hot cup in her hands. I smiled waveringly as I accepted the drink. Liz smiled back and ran her fingers through my hair. She was like that. I honestly can't say I mind. I blushed as she did so.

She then pulled off her hoodie and wrapped it around me, my arms immediately plunging into the sleeve holes and her warmth engulfed me. She zipped up the clothing like I was an incapable child, but I did not protest her actions. I felt like an incapable child.

I moved to the town of Rockford nearly three years ago and Liz was the only person willing to give me a job despite my personal setbacks. Liz owned Cafe Coffee and took pity on me when she gave me the job. I love her for it. She made me feel a bit safer.

"Sorry," I told her, my voice half an octave above a whisper.

She stared at me for a moment before shaking her head and unlocking the doors to officially begin the workday. She came back around the center, dragging her fingertips lightly over my back as she passed me. I smiled to myself and sipped my coffee, secretly hoping no one came in.

"Hey, you okay there, babycakes?"

I looked up at her and smiled, my cheeks filling with heat and blood. I heard her chuckle off to my left. She came to stand beside me a few moments later, a more serious tone to her expression.

"Really, though, Mattie...are you alright?"

I bit my lip and looked down, my fingers immediately beginning to pick at the skin around my fingernails. I wanted to tell her no. That I wasn't alright. I wanted to tell her I was scared. I wanted to tell her about them.

I nodded.

"Mattie, look at me." Her tone was gentle and I felt her fingers in my hair again. I dragged my eyes up toward hers and gave a haggard smile.

"I don't know what's happened in your past...but I'm always here if you need me."

I nodded again and looked down, willing the tears to stay hidden. I'd never had a friend like her before. The moment was brought to a halt by a customer entering, the chime above the door making Liz look up from studying my expression.

I closed my eyes in an attempt to regain control over myself, took a deep breath, and slid off the stool Liz had previously placed me on.

When I opened my eyes my breath caught and I found myself staring, wide-eyed, and entrapped within his beauty. I had never before seen someone as beautiful as he, and I looked down as the whispering began. I bit my lip and sighed.

"Mattie." I looked up at the sound of my name and Liz was smiling, a small giggle escaping her at whatever he had said when I wasn't paying attention.

"This is my little brother, Mykel. Little brother, this is Mattie."

Mykel smiled at me, his bright eyes boring into mine. His face and body were chiseled from a Renaissance dream, making the statue of David obsolete in terms of beauty. His smile sent shivers down my spine and his voice, when he spoke, made me feel like I was flying. His arms were decorated in elaborate tattoos, splashed with colored and black ink.

I looked at Liz as she started speaking again.

"Mykel just moved out this way a few months back; finally escaping the clutches of our parent's dungeon." She laughed lightly and he smiled back at her. I swallowed at the metaphor, willing my mind to pay attention to the now.

"Yeah, well, Lizzy wouldn't shut up about this town, so I thought I'd try it out." He smiled as Liz backhanded his shoulder. He turned that million-watt smile on me and I felt my face redden at the attention.

"So you're the Mattie that Liz never shuts up about. Nice to finally have a face with the name." He smiled again and I felt my own lips twitch upward and I looked down, unable to keep his stare.

He rapped on the counter twice then with his knuckles, pursing his lips slightly. He looked at me again and I couldn't quite place the look he had given me before looking away.

"Well, I better get going, Lizzy. I'll see you at home. Bye, Mattie."

I smiled shyly and waved back before averting my eyes to the counter again.

The morning was a bit slower than usual, which gave me time to think. It also gave Liz more time to dote on me. She watched me carefully as she set up the rest of the coffee machines and I wiped down the tables throughout the afternoon.

Soft music played in the background, and an elderly couple sat on a couch in the corner reading that morning's paper together while drinking their coffee. I smiled sadly to myself.

I jumped slightly as I felt a hand on my shoulder, looking quickly to my left and trying my hardest not to shrink away.

I met the worried eyes of Liz and tried to smile. I knew I failed terribly when her worried look deepened.

"Sweetie, go sit in the back for a bit," she told me this so gently it made me want to cry.

I looked at the elderly couple to find them staring, then my eyes wandered down to the broken cup that I had picked up from the table I was cleaning. I don't remember dropping it. My hands shook. My whole body shook. I nodded and said nothing more as I turned and walked into the back room.

I went into the little office Liz did her paperwork in and sat down on the floor, smashed behind the desk and the filing cabinet. I drew my legs up and tried to calm down. I couldn't do this here.

I hate small spaces. Even now. But I found that's where I go in moments like this. Small spaces.

I didn't want to do this here. Usually, I'm alone when these attacks hit. Usually, I'm alone. Unless I'm here. I tried to control my breathing and not let any tears fall.

I don't know how long I sat there before I heard Liz calling out to me. I shrank deeper into the filing cabinet, instinctively hiding in small spaces. I didn't want her to find me like this. The part of my mind that remained rational throughout kept screaming at me not to let her see this weakness. The other part, the irrational mind that was still that trapped child was screaming also. He was terrified and suddenly I wasn't in that little office anymore. I was in the closet.

I couldn't breathe. I could never breathe in this place. The smell alone was enough to singe your nose hair. But it was more than the smell. The smell didn't terrify me so much as being kept here. The pain from having to remain in one of two positions; standing if I wanted to stretch, or curling myself into a ball if I got tired from standing, was enough to keep me in tears.

Somehow they never seemed to dry up. I often wondered how I had so many tears, so much moister in my body when I was in a constant state of dehydration.

"Mattie? Come on, sweetheart, open your eyes."

Liz. I heard her calling somewhere outside the closet. She seemed so far. Open your eyes! Open your eyes! the logical side was demanding, panicked, trying to rush me to listen to Liz, her voice, before her voice became someone else's.

I opened my eyes. I was in the office again. Air pumped through my lungs too quickly and I began to feel light-headed.

"Mattie, honey, look at me." I managed to drag my eyes to hers. I noticed that I was clutching her hand. She smiled.

"There you go, sweetie, take a deep breath for me." She breathed with me and I mimicked her intakes. "Good. One more."

We breathed. It was several minutes before my breathing was under control, but she didn't seem to notice how there were so many 'one more' deep breaths. She never let go of my hand. She never sounded impatient or obligated.

"Come on, honey, let's get off the floor, okay?" I nodded my consent and she helped me to stand. She maneuvered me over to a small loveseat and sat down next to me. She sat close enough, but not too close. She never let go of my hand, nor did I let go of hers.

I felt her free hand come and softly caress my back. Slowly up and down. No one had comforted me like this before.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I was looking at our hands. I didn't want her to let go. I didn't want to be alone again.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Mattie." She drew her arm around me and squeezed, pulling me into her side. In a moment of impulse, I turned and wrapped my arms around her. In an instant, I was wrapped in warm and loving arms.

My body fell into hers as it relaxed and I slowly felt her begin to rock me. I was so overwhelmed by everything that I only realized after I sat back up that I'd been crying. I kept my head down, shame at my weakness filling my cheeks, berating me internally.

"Mattie." I looked at her. She smiled and ran her knuckle across my cheek, wiping away the pain that had fallen. "I promise it's fine. You're okay, sweetie."

I shook my head slowly. I was not okay. "I don't feel okay," I managed to whisper. My throat and chest were both tight and I could feel tears beginning to threaten again.

Before she could say anything Mykel popped his head into the office. "We're all closed up. Last customers have left and the door's locked."

I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want him to see me this way. To see my weakness, my pathetic display.

I felt Liz shift as she looked up to her brother. "Okay, thanks."

I didn't hear anything more and assumed he'd left. She hugged me again. My arms clung to her as they'd always wanted to cling to my mother. Unfortunately, the woman that which gave me birth was not the nurturing kind.

The little boy in me soaked up the maternal actions, silently praying she would never let go. I never put much credence into prayer, as eventually she drew back and wiped my face with a clean washrag.

"Come on, Mattie. Let's get out of here."