Water Pt. 1

The last few days have been interesting, to say the least. After that first night of staying at Liz's, the bond between us had immeasurably fortified. 

 

After I had announced that small confession she pulled me into a tight hug, one that told me, as did the words following, that it would have been an honor to have a son such as me.

 

I didn't know if I completely believed her, but my inner child wept at the admission. 

 

"Mattie," she said to me as we sat on that same porch swing.

 

I looked from the pond, my attention was drawn to her voice and away from the swimming turtle that had been journeying its way across the expanse of the water. The sun was fading and shadows were plenty, but it was not completely dark.

 

"What happened to you?" She was looking at my arms. Her fingers came to trace over the cyclical scars that adorned them. Her voice was a heavy whisper, laden with fury and a sense of deep sadness.

 

By the look on her face, she was as shocked that she had asked me that as I was. My eyes instantly watered and I looked down at the scars. 

 

It was a warmer day than it had been, even with winter coming, and I had unthinkingly put on short sleeves.

 

"I..." My throat closed off as I tried to form words. Images of my past throwing themselves full-throttle into my limbic system, sliding through my temporal lobe like a water slide at a theme park.

 

I had never before spoken of my past to anyone. Beyond anyone ever caring enough to ask, I had never felt strong enough to volunteer the disclosure. Did anyone really care? My mind argued no, and my logic did not rebut, because if no one implored, no one cared. Right?

 

And now here it was that someone did care enough to ask. 

 

"They hated me," I answered simply, unpretentiously unable to say anymore. I felt threatening tears fall, like clouds that dexterously could not hold any more rain.

 

"Your parents?" she asked softly.

 

"They always told me so. They...they..."

 

Everything in my mind was screaming at me to run. Run from her questions. Run from the memories. I don't remember running away from her. I don't remember bolting up from the swing and running down the porch steps. 

 

I vaguely remember hearing Mykel shout my name, worry filling his tone. 

 

"What did you say to him?" I heard Mykel ask before I heard his resounding footsteps gaining abaft.

 

"Mattie, stop!" he cried from behind me.

 

I kept going, ignoring his pleas, trying to outrun the chimera of my past.

 

"Mattie, stop! Please, stop!" Mykel called from behind. I did not know how he had not caught me yet. His legs are so much longer than mine. 

 

The sky was growing darker by the moment, visibility was low, to say the least. I didn't notice I was too close to the water before I was sliding in the surrounding muddy bank, and falling into it.

 

The water was cold, shocking the breath from my lungs. The panic fulminated throughout my entire being, multiplied by the panic I was already submerged within. 

 

I hated the water. Even now I have trouble with it, but with the everlasting patience of Mykel, I'm beginning to overcome this particular fear.

 

In an instant I was transported back, dragged through the wormhole of my past, clawing at ethereal walls to stay in the now.

 

I heard them laughing at me, muddled as it was under the water. I fought to bring my head up but everything was becoming so heavy. My fights began to lessen, my body deprived of oxygen and becoming weaker. I see his fist hover above the water before plunging down into my diaphragm. Water flooded my lungs and I knew this was the way I was going to die. I was terrified, but I welcomed it. If only to make this stop. It would be another eight years before I made my escape.

 

I felt something solid latch onto me and drag me bodily out of the water. I clung to it only to realize I was not eight years old anymore and Mykel was pulling me from the water. I coughed and sputtered, water spewing from my mouth and lungs at an alarming rate.

 

I collapsed onto Mykel, shivering, desperate to feel safe from the memories that still haunted me. He wrapped his arms around me, grounding me to him and I began to calm. I was unaware of anything, even the cold, while his arms were folded against me.

 

An hour later I was sitting on the couch in a fresh pair of clothes. Liz had convinced me to stay with them for a while, unconvinced that she should leave me alone. I didn't put up much of a fight, and they took me to my place to grab some clothes for my stay.

 

I had the blanket wrapped around me that Mykel and I had curled under together that first night.

 

I heard Mykel and Liz speaking almost heatedly toward one another, no doubt about what had caused the latest string of events. I did not want them fighting over me. I stood slowly, the blanket falling victim to gravity and sliding back onto the couch. 

 

I walked into the kitchen where they stood. Mykel was leaning against the island, his back to the entrance, Liz leaning against the counter that held the sink. She was visibly upset. Her cheeks puffy, her eyes reddened and sad.

 

When Mykel brought me in from the pond, carrying me as I had refused to relinquish the hold I had of him, Liz never left my side. She turned on the shower to warm as Mykel stepped inside and let the thermal liquid raise our body temperatures. I had been too out of it to even realize that I was in the shower. I welcomed the warmth.

 

I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her, which she returned with alacrity. 

 

My chest burned from my earlier exploits in the pond and with the memories of my parents making a game of killing me.

 

"I'm sorry, honey," she whispered gently as she lightly kissed my cheek.

 

"Don't be. You're not the reason I'm so broken."

 

Her arms tightened around me as I spoke those words and I could feel her heart breaking against my chest.

 

"Baby, you're not broken," she countered in a voice so motherly that I wanted to cry.

 

"Yes, I am. They broke me. They broke me before I knew...I've never been anything but alone and broken."

 

My voice cracked and I felt myself get weaker, my legs giving out from under me as I felt a storm brewing internally.

 

I felt a larger hand come to rest between my shoulder blades, just above where Liz's arms wound around me.

 

"You're not alone anymore, Mattie." I took several deep breaths to will the tears away. 

 

"I don't wanna be alone anymore." And I didn't. I had been drowning my whole life; slowly asphyxiating in the wide-open air. And I realized in that moment that I wanted more. 

 

My throat clenched at the confession, the storm ever waging, ever coming close to breaking me down. Splintering my resolve when it finally did spew forth. 

 

"Why did they have to hate me? I didn't mean to be so much trouble to make them hate me so much." With every syllable I spoke, I felt the clouds slowly ripping at the seams.

 

I stepped back away from Liz, her arms falling limply to her sides. I covered my face with my hands wanting simultaneously to disappear from myself and be held until the pain finally left me.

 

I felt my weakness leak unabashedly from my eyes, trickling down my arms as I stood in Liz's kitchen.

 

I took a deep, shuttering breath as it all began to become too much. I felt my shoulders begin to shake and my legs gave out. I waited to unceremoniously crumple into a heap onto the tiled floor but found myself being lifted into the air instead. 

 

I latched onto him, much like I had when he pulled me from the water. I was aware of every stimulant around me. The feel of my arms around his neck, his scent, my heartbeat hammering behind my ribs, his heartbeat, slow and steady. 

 

He carried me bridal-style back to the living room where he sat, never once letting me go, on the couch I had earlier vacated, with me sitting over his lap.

 

I curled up as small as I could against him, his arms enveloping me to a place of safety that I would return to over and over and over again.

 

Liz sat next to us, her legs curling up on the couch underneath her, as she leaned bodily into Mykel's legs. Her fingers found my hair and began raking gently through it.

 

"You don't have to be so strong, Mattie," Mykel whispered to me, his lips so close to my skin I felt them moving as he spoke.

 

I nodded my head in argument, my grip becoming tighter against him. I did need to be strong. With as scared and disgusting as I felt I was...I had shown them how far my weakness extended. I couldn't break. It was always worse when I cried.

 

"Why did they hate me so much?" I heard myself ask. I buried my face further into Mykel's chest and felt his arms tighten around me. Small, rippling quakes coursed throughout my body and I felt Liz kiss the back of my shoulder.

 

"I don't know, Mattie," Mykel answered, "but they are fools."

 

"How do you know? Maybe they weren't so wrong. I'm just useless. I'm a waste. That's why they locked me away. That's why they hated me. No one wants me. No one's ever wanted me. My own mother..." I looked up at him then, my eyes shining with desolate heartbreak. "Do you know what she used to tell me?"

 

He shook his head 'no' and padded away my tears. His touch was so gentle it felt wrong. I didn't feel worth the comfort I was receiving from either of them.

 

"She used to tell me that the only thing I was worth was to take her stresses out on. Th-that I wasn't even worth the trouble of an abortion...that it was better for me to suffer." My forehead fell against his chest. "I was just a little boy. S-sometimes my sister would sneak me food when they would leave. Why didn't they hate her as much as me? Why didn't they love me as much as her?" A sob finally escaped me. "I didn't understand. I don't understand. Why doesn't anyone love me?" I couldn't speak anymore as wracking lamentations poured like spilled water from my eyes.

 

I felt Liz move closer behind me, both of us lying across Mykel's legs. She wrapped her arm around me and pulled me against her chest. She kissed behind my ear and whispered something that I had waited so long to hear that when I heard it, my tears renewed afresh.

 

"I love you, Mattie."

 

I knew she did not mean romantically, but that mattered not. Someone loved me. She continued whispering in my ear despite the tears that followed.

 

"You're an amazing person, Mattie. You're wonderful and sweet and loving. I can rely on you more than most. You're not useless, Mattie.

 

"Sweetie, whatever happened to you wasn't your fault. They're sick people and you got caught in a terrible situation of which you had no control." She kissed behind my ear again. "I love you, sweetie. You're not alone anymore."

 

I do not know how long I lay curled up like that crying in their arms, but I eventually fell asleep.