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I have Cancer
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2024-11-25 10:39:15I have cancer?
I’ve never been one to question an informed or proper diagnosis. If the evidence and research are there then it must be true but I have cancer? I’m only nineteen. I just graduated, I just applied for my top-choice universities. I just applied for internships that would make my name in this world. I was just taking my SAT exam and now I’m sitting here being told I have cancer. That I’m going to die before I have the opportunity to build my legacy. I stare blankly at the doctor as my parents cling to me to steady themselves as they cry. I have so much to do. I have so much I haven’t done. I have no legacy yet. I haven’t fallen in love like the movies. Not that love wasn’t my greatest priority but I’d like to at least try it once. I haven’t lived. And now life is deciding that I shouldn’t be able too. “How long do I have?” I ask in anticipation of a morbid response. It’s not that I wanted to know, I needed to. I don’t like to start things I’ll leave unfinished. Unfinished won’t get you a legacy. Unfinished is the end of a story only it doesn’t actually have an ending. Will I even have an ending? I’m spiraling when I hear the doctor respond. “I believe if we start treatment now then we can minimize the tumor’s size. This meaning you may be able to completely recover and go into remission within the next few months.” He’s a very hopeful man which tells me he hasn’t been here for long or that he’s had to deliver news like this too long. “What are her treatment options?” My mom knew what to ask and I appreciated it. She knew when I was spiraling even if she never mentioned it. “Well Mrs. Richardson, Cassandra’s tumor is considered inoperable due to its size and placement therefore our first treatment option would be to minimize its size by doing a full round of radiotherapy first. If the tumor responds well, it will decrease in size allowing us the opportunity to operate and remove it entirely.” He’s made it sound simple. Like it was a mole or skin tag. I felt the squeeze of my hand as my father looks at me through tear-stained eyes. He was waiting for my input and showing me that I had his support no matter what my decision was. “I’ll do it.” I break through the deafening silence as I stare defeated at my feet. “You don’t have to make a decision right now Cassandra. We can revisit this once you’ve had time to digest.” Another false reassurance. God I hate this place. “I either do the radiotherapy or I sit down waiting to die. There are no other choices so I’ll start radiotherapy.” It look everything in me to answer without falling apart like a bag of bones. If I planned on building a legacy or a name for myself, I couldn’t risk getting cut short by death. I needed to procrastinate my possibly untimely end until I reached the success that I have worked so hard to achieve. My parents tell the doctor that they will support my decision to begin treatment and with that, the doctor nods and says he will begin my discharge paperwork and contact the oncology department to schedule my first appointment. He leaves the room in swift silence as if the noise would make the room any louder than my mind. I have cancer. I don’t have a legacy yet. But I have cancer.Related chapters
The web I can’t unweave The drive home
After collecting my things and getting my appointment confirmation paperwork, I left with the eerie feeling that my return in four days would be the realization that I may never have my legacy. In four days, I would be coming back to the hospital for my first initial consult with the oncology department and receive my first round of radiotherapy and even so, that’s not what frightened me. What frightened me was the unknown. I sat in the backseat as my parents drove me back to my apartment where my car would be waiting for me. They would have preferred I returned home but I need time to process on my own. I could tell their worry outweighed mine by a mile. As I saw the entrance of my complex, I felt a wave of relief as if my apartment had brought back my normalcy. I grab my hospital bag as we parked and began exiting the car. I then opened the drivers side door to which my father sat and gave home a hug and a ‘thank you’. I then reached over to hug my mom as I walked into my door.
The web I can’t unweave Night one of Dying
I spent hours in my apartment thinking of what I could have done wrong to end up here but I don’t think there’s an answer. So I picked up my jumbled brain and began to focus on my emails. I open my nightstand to find my laptop and decide to distract myself with an other chatroom. I’ve used this chatroom to try and socialize with other people my age. It helps that it’s a chatroom for intelligent kids to pick each other’s brains and it’s mostly anonymous. Especially since socializing is not my strong suit. I log on and wait for my first IM to arrive. M: Hey, how are you? C: Hard day but nothing a good conversation can’t fix. (It wasn’t a lie - A moment like this makes me wish I had someone to snuggle up with and forget). M: Care to share? C: With a stranger? I think not. What would he say? Sorry? Pity wasn’t what I needed. M: You don’t remember me, do you? C: Have we met? M: We haven’t officially but we chatted a couple of times. How’d your SAT testing go? C: Appa
The web I can’t unweave The thought of Maverick
I gave him my phone number after talking for hours on the chatroom. Seemed only Fitting that we share real conversations that we could pick at each other’s perspectives without having to look for each other on an IM. If I’m being honest, there’s something about him that captivates me. I can imagine that his stellar and magnetic personality match a perfect smile and that is intelligence is met with perfect physique. He exudes confidence and although I hate to admire it - that confidence is sexy. There’s a moment where I imagine what it would be like for us to meet. Would there an undeniable connection or would the ghosts of my failed relationships haunt once again? Or was I the only one feeling this way? I snap myself back to the reality of things. I am 19 years old, sitting in my apartment alone at midnight and I just found out that I have cancer. I’m dying. And no one wants to be with a dying girl especially not when she could potentially go bald in treatment. Not to mention that
The web I can’t unweave Rise and Shine
I wake up not knowing how long I’d been asleep. I sheepishly look for my phone as I feel a slight pulsating sensation in my head. I like to think that’s my head injury and not the tumor that upheaved my life. I finally find my phone while rustling through the sheets and see that it says Thursday. I had slept for two days? Along with the date, I notice the dozen missed calls from my parents and a text from Maverick dated yesterday. I decided to call my parents back to ensure them I was okay. I’m sure they would’ve stopped by now but I recalled they had a few meetings lined of this week. My parents both sat on the board committee for Sonoma, a small city outside of San Francisco. The same city I’ve grown up in my whole life. It’s not a bad place. Just a small town of about 11,000 people with ambitions and dreams. Just not the same as mine. I wanted a legacy to reach all ends of the country whereas the legacy most people built here was a family, suburban living and comfort. After speakin
The web I can’t unweave My first treatment
I make it to the oncology floor at the hospital. The first thing I notice is this overwhelming appearance of hope. The entry area is decorated with the essence of life. Photos of flowers, calming colors and some plants in planters line the wall and lead towards a desk where I can already see the receptionist smiling at me. I walk over to her slowly as I look around. I almost expected a dreary appearance to this place. I mean, the people who come here are pretty much trying not to die or expire for better words. Yet this place was decorated to look peaceful, lively and friendly. I slowly reach the receptionist although I thought about turning around and making a bolt for the elevator. “Cassandra Richardson, I’m here for my consultation”. I say in a hushed voice as if the tumor in head could be a secret. “Welcome Cassandra, the doctor will be right with you if you’d like to have a seat”. She was cheery. In a place of people trying to change their fate, people who were dying and
The web I can’t unweave The next hour
It took me about ten minutes of fiddling with the clip on my IV line to be able to remove it and watch the medication reach my body. It was like flipping an hourglass and watching the sand try to reach the bottom. I look up at Dr. Rosario who smiles lightly back at me. I assume he’s proud of me but I get the feeling there’s something else too. Maybe it’s just in my head. “Am I supposed to feel itchy?” I ask as I suddenly feel prickly like a cactus and try not to scratch myself raw. “It can itch. It’s a mild reaction and you’re doing great so far. Do you feel anything else?” He asks with care. Care like he is really hoping I won’t run out of here screaming or light myself on fire in protest. “No. Am I going to go bald?” I couldn’t help but ask. I saw the woman in the waiting area as she left and I’m not able to contain my fear any longer. I start to shake mildly from anxiety and fear of what his answer would be. My appearance wasn’t important to me. It never was. But my ability
The web I can’t unweave Close Proximity
In one swift motion, Dr. Rosario lifts me into a cradle position and pinches the clip on my IV bag as he drapes over his shoulder. I think of protesting but the heat in my body keeps rising and I feel like someone has lit a match to every surface of my skin. I watch as he seems determined and almost frantic to reach the door at the back end of the room. He kicks it just enough to make it swing on the hinges. I jump at the sound. It reminded me of that one act of cruelty when I was thirteen. The one I didn’t deserve that made me hate the idea of my own beauty. Once inside, Dr. Rosario turns on the water in a stand up shower, hangs my IV bag on the hook just outside of the tile walls and steps inside with me in tow. The water is ice cold and I feel as though there’s steam radiating off of me or better yet him. I look at up at him like a sheep in the lions’ den. “I can stand.” I say in the tiniest voice. “I think I’ll carry you just for safety. I wouldn’t want you to slip and hur
The web I can’t unweave Radiotherapy Blues
I sat down at my previous chair where (Dr. Rosario) Darren originally placed me to start my radiotherapy treatment. I’d like to say this was going well but I’d rather not lie to myself. I had already developed symptoms to the treatment without having finished the treatment at all and it put me in a situation where I felt more sexual tension that I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I wonder if he felt it too? I stare down at my phone as I feel the medication racing through my veins and feel Darren watch me closely. His stare was filled with intent and I couldn’t exactly place what for. Was it full intent to make sure I’m okay or something else entirely? I choose not to ask as if the answer would be worse than the diagnosis he originally gave me. The one that puts my legacy in jeopardy.I’m still stuck in thought when I hear his voice break the silence.“Cassandra, can I ask you a personal question?” He says in polite and casual tone. I didn’t trust him entirely but in the timeframe that
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The web I can’t unweave My first night after Radiotherapy
I finished my first radiotherapy treatment at the hospital a few hours ago. I can still remember Darren holding my stare and he unhooked me from the IV, took my vitals one more time and helped me up before walking me to the elevator. He said one last thing before I got into the elevator. “Cassandra, I want you live a long and beautiful life. I want you to build this legacy you hold in such a high place and I want to see you thrive. I hope you’ll choose to continue treatment after all that’s happened today.” “It’s my only chance at surviving right?” I wasn’t trying to sound sardonic or rude. But if it was exactly that then my choice was made just as my fate was sealed. I’d continue to the treatment as long as I’d have to in order to fulfill the dreams I’ve held onto for so many years. With that response, I see Darren’s face give a small reassuring smile that I could tell was tinged with sadness. Was he saddened by the idea that one of his patients might not make it? Or was this
The web I can’t unweave Radiotherapy Blues
I sat down at my previous chair where (Dr. Rosario) Darren originally placed me to start my radiotherapy treatment. I’d like to say this was going well but I’d rather not lie to myself. I had already developed symptoms to the treatment without having finished the treatment at all and it put me in a situation where I felt more sexual tension that I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I wonder if he felt it too? I stare down at my phone as I feel the medication racing through my veins and feel Darren watch me closely. His stare was filled with intent and I couldn’t exactly place what for. Was it full intent to make sure I’m okay or something else entirely? I choose not to ask as if the answer would be worse than the diagnosis he originally gave me. The one that puts my legacy in jeopardy.I’m still stuck in thought when I hear his voice break the silence.“Cassandra, can I ask you a personal question?” He says in polite and casual tone. I didn’t trust him entirely but in the timeframe that
The web I can’t unweave Close Proximity
In one swift motion, Dr. Rosario lifts me into a cradle position and pinches the clip on my IV bag as he drapes over his shoulder. I think of protesting but the heat in my body keeps rising and I feel like someone has lit a match to every surface of my skin. I watch as he seems determined and almost frantic to reach the door at the back end of the room. He kicks it just enough to make it swing on the hinges. I jump at the sound. It reminded me of that one act of cruelty when I was thirteen. The one I didn’t deserve that made me hate the idea of my own beauty. Once inside, Dr. Rosario turns on the water in a stand up shower, hangs my IV bag on the hook just outside of the tile walls and steps inside with me in tow. The water is ice cold and I feel as though there’s steam radiating off of me or better yet him. I look at up at him like a sheep in the lions’ den. “I can stand.” I say in the tiniest voice. “I think I’ll carry you just for safety. I wouldn’t want you to slip and hur
The web I can’t unweave The next hour
It took me about ten minutes of fiddling with the clip on my IV line to be able to remove it and watch the medication reach my body. It was like flipping an hourglass and watching the sand try to reach the bottom. I look up at Dr. Rosario who smiles lightly back at me. I assume he’s proud of me but I get the feeling there’s something else too. Maybe it’s just in my head. “Am I supposed to feel itchy?” I ask as I suddenly feel prickly like a cactus and try not to scratch myself raw. “It can itch. It’s a mild reaction and you’re doing great so far. Do you feel anything else?” He asks with care. Care like he is really hoping I won’t run out of here screaming or light myself on fire in protest. “No. Am I going to go bald?” I couldn’t help but ask. I saw the woman in the waiting area as she left and I’m not able to contain my fear any longer. I start to shake mildly from anxiety and fear of what his answer would be. My appearance wasn’t important to me. It never was. But my ability
The web I can’t unweave My first treatment
I make it to the oncology floor at the hospital. The first thing I notice is this overwhelming appearance of hope. The entry area is decorated with the essence of life. Photos of flowers, calming colors and some plants in planters line the wall and lead towards a desk where I can already see the receptionist smiling at me. I walk over to her slowly as I look around. I almost expected a dreary appearance to this place. I mean, the people who come here are pretty much trying not to die or expire for better words. Yet this place was decorated to look peaceful, lively and friendly. I slowly reach the receptionist although I thought about turning around and making a bolt for the elevator. “Cassandra Richardson, I’m here for my consultation”. I say in a hushed voice as if the tumor in head could be a secret. “Welcome Cassandra, the doctor will be right with you if you’d like to have a seat”. She was cheery. In a place of people trying to change their fate, people who were dying and
The web I can’t unweave Rise and Shine
I wake up not knowing how long I’d been asleep. I sheepishly look for my phone as I feel a slight pulsating sensation in my head. I like to think that’s my head injury and not the tumor that upheaved my life. I finally find my phone while rustling through the sheets and see that it says Thursday. I had slept for two days? Along with the date, I notice the dozen missed calls from my parents and a text from Maverick dated yesterday. I decided to call my parents back to ensure them I was okay. I’m sure they would’ve stopped by now but I recalled they had a few meetings lined of this week. My parents both sat on the board committee for Sonoma, a small city outside of San Francisco. The same city I’ve grown up in my whole life. It’s not a bad place. Just a small town of about 11,000 people with ambitions and dreams. Just not the same as mine. I wanted a legacy to reach all ends of the country whereas the legacy most people built here was a family, suburban living and comfort. After speakin
The web I can’t unweave The thought of Maverick
I gave him my phone number after talking for hours on the chatroom. Seemed only Fitting that we share real conversations that we could pick at each other’s perspectives without having to look for each other on an IM. If I’m being honest, there’s something about him that captivates me. I can imagine that his stellar and magnetic personality match a perfect smile and that is intelligence is met with perfect physique. He exudes confidence and although I hate to admire it - that confidence is sexy. There’s a moment where I imagine what it would be like for us to meet. Would there an undeniable connection or would the ghosts of my failed relationships haunt once again? Or was I the only one feeling this way? I snap myself back to the reality of things. I am 19 years old, sitting in my apartment alone at midnight and I just found out that I have cancer. I’m dying. And no one wants to be with a dying girl especially not when she could potentially go bald in treatment. Not to mention that
The web I can’t unweave Night one of Dying
I spent hours in my apartment thinking of what I could have done wrong to end up here but I don’t think there’s an answer. So I picked up my jumbled brain and began to focus on my emails. I open my nightstand to find my laptop and decide to distract myself with an other chatroom. I’ve used this chatroom to try and socialize with other people my age. It helps that it’s a chatroom for intelligent kids to pick each other’s brains and it’s mostly anonymous. Especially since socializing is not my strong suit. I log on and wait for my first IM to arrive. M: Hey, how are you? C: Hard day but nothing a good conversation can’t fix. (It wasn’t a lie - A moment like this makes me wish I had someone to snuggle up with and forget). M: Care to share? C: With a stranger? I think not. What would he say? Sorry? Pity wasn’t what I needed. M: You don’t remember me, do you? C: Have we met? M: We haven’t officially but we chatted a couple of times. How’d your SAT testing go? C: Appa
The web I can’t unweave The drive home
After collecting my things and getting my appointment confirmation paperwork, I left with the eerie feeling that my return in four days would be the realization that I may never have my legacy. In four days, I would be coming back to the hospital for my first initial consult with the oncology department and receive my first round of radiotherapy and even so, that’s not what frightened me. What frightened me was the unknown. I sat in the backseat as my parents drove me back to my apartment where my car would be waiting for me. They would have preferred I returned home but I need time to process on my own. I could tell their worry outweighed mine by a mile. As I saw the entrance of my complex, I felt a wave of relief as if my apartment had brought back my normalcy. I grab my hospital bag as we parked and began exiting the car. I then opened the drivers side door to which my father sat and gave home a hug and a ‘thank you’. I then reached over to hug my mom as I walked into my door.
