The drive home

After collecting my things and getting my appointment confirmation paperwork, I left with the eerie feeling that my return in four days would be the realization that I may never have my legacy. In four days, I would be coming back to the hospital for my first initial consult with the oncology department and receive my first round of radiotherapy and even so, that’s not what frightened me. What frightened me was the unknown.

I sat in the backseat as my parents drove me back to my apartment where my car would be waiting for me. They would have preferred I returned home but I need time to process on my own.

I could tell their worry outweighed mine by a mile.

As I saw the entrance of my complex, I felt a wave of relief as if my apartment had brought back my normalcy. I grab my hospital bag as we parked and began exiting the car. I then opened the drivers side door to which my father sat and gave home a hug and a ‘thank you’. I then reached over to hug my mom as I walked into my door.

There was a time when I knew there’d be another person on the other side of this door ready to comfort me and I catch myself wondering if he would have been my last opportunity for love.

Shortly after I had purchased this apartment right in the midst of my graduation from high school, I had met Aiden. A freshman in college who was amazed by my mind and its inner-workings. We began studying, applying for internships and scholarships together for our coming years of education and getting close. I thought we were great together but there was a canyon between us that I had no knowledge of. After I invited Aiden to move in with me, I noticed some mildly odd behaviors. He would disappear at random times and then sleep for days afterwards. He never liked his things being touched although I didn’t see much wrong with that as I didn’t either and he refused to talk about finances of any kind. But I overlooked it. He was supportive, caring and smart. He made feel like the world beneath my feet belonged to me.

We spent days locked in my apartment interchanging between playing boards and having hot, sweaty, and passionate sex. Aiden had a way about making me forget his weird behavior by making my toes curl, my body tense and a release I never thought possible. The kind of sex that made you think falling in love or even death by orgasm was possible.

But one day about five months ago, I came home early from a dinner with my parents and what I found had shocked me to my core. Aiden was lying face down sprawled on my couch, his long blond hair a shaggy mess, his skin glistening with sweat and unconscious with a tunicate and a needle hanging off of his arm. He laid there almost lifeless as I stared in shock. It’s not just the shock that made me end that relationship but the moments after when he came too.

I slammed the door hard enough to stir him and he sheepishly picked him head up to look me in the eyes. Even his eyes looked lifeless as he put on a narcotic induced smile and said “oh, your home babe.” The man I thought could be my very first love slumped himself off of the couch to a stand and made his way towards me and the only thing I could think of is how could I have so wrong again. He reached just about one foot from where I stood before I reached my hand out and plucked the needle from his arm. I watched as Aiden looked at his arm slowly and then looked at me with a face of disbelief and horror.

“I-I don’t” Aiden looked horrified as I turned around to throw it away.

“Cassandra-babe, that’s not who I am.”

That’s it? That’s what he had to say?

I looked Aiden in the eye after disposing of his most-kept secret and responded coldly.

“I think you should starting packing your things and sign up for a rehab center.”

He looked into my eyes as if I had shot a deer in front of him.

“You don’t mean that. We can work this out.” He said frantically trying to convince me against my decision while holding my hand.

“I can’t do whatever this is. I can’t be okay with what you’re doing and especially not with you doing it in my apartment.” I ripped the bandaid off in the nicest way I could and I watched as Aiden dropped his hand in defeat.

“You’re a beautiful woman Cass, but you’re always going to end up alone if you keep closing the door in the face of people who want to love you.” As if he was one to talk. I opened the door for him and I came home to heroin pin-cushion on my couch.

I watched him pack from the same spot I’m standing in right now. Except right now, my apartment is empty of any life except for mine and there was no Aiden anymore.

And I vowed there would never be another Aiden again.