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My first night after Radiotherapy
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2024-11-25 10:39:15I finished my first radiotherapy treatment at the hospital a few hours ago. I can still remember Darren holding my stare and he unhooked me from the IV, took my vitals one more time and helped me up before walking me to the elevator. He said one last thing before I got into the elevator.
“Cassandra, I want you live a long and beautiful life. I want you to build this legacy you hold in such a high place and I want to see you thrive. I hope you’ll choose to continue treatment after all that’s happened today.” “It’s my only chance at surviving right?” I wasn’t trying to sound sardonic or rude. But if it was exactly that then my choice was made just as my fate was sealed. I’d continue to the treatment as long as I’d have to in order to fulfill the dreams I’ve held onto for so many years. With that response, I see Darren’s face give a small reassuring smile that I could tell was tinged with sadness. Was he saddened by the idea that one of his patients might not make it? Or was this about the trust? I wanted to trust him. I wanted to believe he would cure me but the odds and probabilities wouldn’t allow me to do so. I have cancer for fucks sake. How could I ever possibly trust the idea of life, my life, being saved by someone I just met? Someone who doesn’t even know who I am or how hard I’ve fought for the dream I’m trying to make reality of, someone who doesn’t know the loneliness I’ve suffered for that dream,and most Importantly - someone who doesn’t want to believe I’m dying. I go to extend my hand out to shake Dr. Rosario’s. He pulls me from the elevator slightly and placed a kiss on the top of my hand and with that, hits the button to the elevator lobby. I see him turn his back and walk away as the doors close and I descend back to the world I had escaped for the last hour and a half. Now in my apartment trying to prepare my portfolio for my internship interview, I still can’t stop thinking about my day at the hospital and with my oncology specialist. But I try to keep those thoughts on the back burner as I finish my portfolio of academic achievements and contributions. Why is he so invested in me? Did he feel the tension I did when we were in the shower trying to drop my temperature? What does he want from me? The last question made me more and more anxious. I decide these thoughts were no longer healthy so I pushed them aside and begin trying to distract myself. I sit on my couch and decide to text Maverick. C - How’s your interview prep going? I wait for a response. It was nice to share the same interests and I wanted to explore that but what about Darren and my legacy. It seems that only once in the eyes of death - you will ever truly live. My ramped thoughts are cut short when my phone dings. M - Portfolio done and clothes chosen. How are you doing? C - I’m finally done but nervous. M - You have nothing to worry about. Oh, are we still on for dinner after our interviews? I hear there’s a great seafood restaurant. It’s actually close by too. C - That sounds great. I’ll text you when I finish my interview so we can meet. M - Can’t wait. Neither could I. Would this be a part of my legacy?Related chapters
The web I can’t unweave The Beginning of Everything
For as long as I could remember, I had one goal that stood out above the others. I wanted my name to be recognized. I wanted people to mention every achievement of mine when the name Cassandra rolled off of their tongues. I wanted a legacy. I knew I was smart, always excelling and being the best at everything I do - everything that didn’t involve talking and socializing at least. It’s not that I couldn’t make friends. I just didn’t think I’d have the time or use for them after graduation. See, the thing is - I had just turned 18 and it was fall. I should’ve been finding a dress for homecoming or prom or getting caught sneaking out but I always did the right thing and wasn’t great at talking to guys anyway so I spent most of senior year just like the rest. Studying, competing, excelling and keeping to myself. But it all changed in a moments notice. I was finally taking my SAT exam which I studied for months just to make sure I’d pass. Except I didn’t. Not because I’m stupid but be
The web I can’t unweave As I woke
I woke up again in the same room I imagined in my nightmare. Only this time, it was empty of everyone but me and all the wires and monitoring devices that I previously had on had been removed carefully. It wasn’t a dream. It was real. And there was nothing I could do to change it. I waited anxiously for someone to walk through the door but after ten minutes. I figured that they’d been avoiding me thinking I was resting or something far worse. After weighing out the possibilities, I feel the urge to get up. I slowly drag myself to a sitting position and dangle my feet off the side of the bed. I sit there for a minute silently judging myself on how badly I must’ve failed to end up here. I then slowly and quietly wiggle out of bed and make my way to the restroom located right by my hospital room door. I take a minute to steady myself. Holding onto the bathroom sink, I look up to see my reflection. Looking back at me, I see the same as always. Vivid green eyes, hourglass figure, long blac
The web I can’t unweave The doctor’s diagnosis
I recollect myself and emerge from the bathroom to find my mom in full tears. I’d never seen this side of her. Not that I’d know what to do if I did. “What’s wrong?” The only thing I could bring myself to say without panic. “Nothing sweetie, I couldn’t find you and became worried. That’s all.” She shrugs as she said it. One of her few tells that she’s lying. I slowly make my way to the bed carefully sitting down as if it would rip out from underneath me at any second and reach for my mom’s hand. Not because I needed it but I think she did. Once I grab her hand in mine, I see a wave of worry just slowly dissipate as if into thin air. “Are you okay mom? Did the doctor say something?” “Not yet dear. They were able to do all the testing needed while you were asleep. I’m sure it’s nothing but now we just have to wait.” She shrugged again. She knew something and if she did, she just didn’t want to be the one to tell me and that made me nervous. As I hold her hand stuck in thought,
The web I can’t unweave I have Cancer
I have cancer? I’ve never been one to question an informed or proper diagnosis. If the evidence and research are there then it must be true but I have cancer? I’m only nineteen. I just graduated, I just applied for my top-choice universities. I just applied for internships that would make my name in this world. I was just taking my SAT exam and now I’m sitting here being told I have cancer. That I’m going to die before I have the opportunity to build my legacy. I stare blankly at the doctor as my parents cling to me to steady themselves as they cry. I have so much to do. I have so much I haven’t done. I have no legacy yet. I haven’t fallen in love like the movies. Not that love wasn’t my greatest priority but I’d like to at least try it once. I haven’t lived. And now life is deciding that I shouldn’t be able too. “How long do I have?” I ask in anticipation of a morbid response. It’s not that I wanted to know, I needed to. I don’t like to start things I’ll leave unf
The web I can’t unweave The drive home
After collecting my things and getting my appointment confirmation paperwork, I left with the eerie feeling that my return in four days would be the realization that I may never have my legacy. In four days, I would be coming back to the hospital for my first initial consult with the oncology department and receive my first round of radiotherapy and even so, that’s not what frightened me. What frightened me was the unknown. I sat in the backseat as my parents drove me back to my apartment where my car would be waiting for me. They would have preferred I returned home but I need time to process on my own. I could tell their worry outweighed mine by a mile. As I saw the entrance of my complex, I felt a wave of relief as if my apartment had brought back my normalcy. I grab my hospital bag as we parked and began exiting the car. I then opened the drivers side door to which my father sat and gave home a hug and a ‘thank you’. I then reached over to hug my mom as I walked into my door.
The web I can’t unweave Night one of Dying
I spent hours in my apartment thinking of what I could have done wrong to end up here but I don’t think there’s an answer. So I picked up my jumbled brain and began to focus on my emails. I open my nightstand to find my laptop and decide to distract myself with an other chatroom. I’ve used this chatroom to try and socialize with other people my age. It helps that it’s a chatroom for intelligent kids to pick each other’s brains and it’s mostly anonymous. Especially since socializing is not my strong suit. I log on and wait for my first IM to arrive. M: Hey, how are you? C: Hard day but nothing a good conversation can’t fix. (It wasn’t a lie - A moment like this makes me wish I had someone to snuggle up with and forget). M: Care to share? C: With a stranger? I think not. What would he say? Sorry? Pity wasn’t what I needed. M: You don’t remember me, do you? C: Have we met? M: We haven’t officially but we chatted a couple of times. How’d your SAT testing go? C: Appa
The web I can’t unweave The thought of Maverick
I gave him my phone number after talking for hours on the chatroom. Seemed only Fitting that we share real conversations that we could pick at each other’s perspectives without having to look for each other on an IM. If I’m being honest, there’s something about him that captivates me. I can imagine that his stellar and magnetic personality match a perfect smile and that is intelligence is met with perfect physique. He exudes confidence and although I hate to admire it - that confidence is sexy. There’s a moment where I imagine what it would be like for us to meet. Would there an undeniable connection or would the ghosts of my failed relationships haunt once again? Or was I the only one feeling this way? I snap myself back to the reality of things. I am 19 years old, sitting in my apartment alone at midnight and I just found out that I have cancer. I’m dying. And no one wants to be with a dying girl especially not when she could potentially go bald in treatment. Not to mention that
The web I can’t unweave Rise and Shine
I wake up not knowing how long I’d been asleep. I sheepishly look for my phone as I feel a slight pulsating sensation in my head. I like to think that’s my head injury and not the tumor that upheaved my life. I finally find my phone while rustling through the sheets and see that it says Thursday. I had slept for two days? Along with the date, I notice the dozen missed calls from my parents and a text from Maverick dated yesterday. I decided to call my parents back to ensure them I was okay. I’m sure they would’ve stopped by now but I recalled they had a few meetings lined of this week. My parents both sat on the board committee for Sonoma, a small city outside of San Francisco. The same city I’ve grown up in my whole life. It’s not a bad place. Just a small town of about 11,000 people with ambitions and dreams. Just not the same as mine. I wanted a legacy to reach all ends of the country whereas the legacy most people built here was a family, suburban living and comfort. After speakin
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The web I can’t unweave My first night after Radiotherapy
I finished my first radiotherapy treatment at the hospital a few hours ago. I can still remember Darren holding my stare and he unhooked me from the IV, took my vitals one more time and helped me up before walking me to the elevator. He said one last thing before I got into the elevator. “Cassandra, I want you live a long and beautiful life. I want you to build this legacy you hold in such a high place and I want to see you thrive. I hope you’ll choose to continue treatment after all that’s happened today.” “It’s my only chance at surviving right?” I wasn’t trying to sound sardonic or rude. But if it was exactly that then my choice was made just as my fate was sealed. I’d continue to the treatment as long as I’d have to in order to fulfill the dreams I’ve held onto for so many years. With that response, I see Darren’s face give a small reassuring smile that I could tell was tinged with sadness. Was he saddened by the idea that one of his patients might not make it? Or was this
The web I can’t unweave Radiotherapy Blues
I sat down at my previous chair where (Dr. Rosario) Darren originally placed me to start my radiotherapy treatment. I’d like to say this was going well but I’d rather not lie to myself. I had already developed symptoms to the treatment without having finished the treatment at all and it put me in a situation where I felt more sexual tension that I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I wonder if he felt it too? I stare down at my phone as I feel the medication racing through my veins and feel Darren watch me closely. His stare was filled with intent and I couldn’t exactly place what for. Was it full intent to make sure I’m okay or something else entirely? I choose not to ask as if the answer would be worse than the diagnosis he originally gave me. The one that puts my legacy in jeopardy.I’m still stuck in thought when I hear his voice break the silence.“Cassandra, can I ask you a personal question?” He says in polite and casual tone. I didn’t trust him entirely but in the timeframe that
The web I can’t unweave Close Proximity
In one swift motion, Dr. Rosario lifts me into a cradle position and pinches the clip on my IV bag as he drapes over his shoulder. I think of protesting but the heat in my body keeps rising and I feel like someone has lit a match to every surface of my skin. I watch as he seems determined and almost frantic to reach the door at the back end of the room. He kicks it just enough to make it swing on the hinges. I jump at the sound. It reminded me of that one act of cruelty when I was thirteen. The one I didn’t deserve that made me hate the idea of my own beauty. Once inside, Dr. Rosario turns on the water in a stand up shower, hangs my IV bag on the hook just outside of the tile walls and steps inside with me in tow. The water is ice cold and I feel as though there’s steam radiating off of me or better yet him. I look at up at him like a sheep in the lions’ den. “I can stand.” I say in the tiniest voice. “I think I’ll carry you just for safety. I wouldn’t want you to slip and hur
The web I can’t unweave The next hour
It took me about ten minutes of fiddling with the clip on my IV line to be able to remove it and watch the medication reach my body. It was like flipping an hourglass and watching the sand try to reach the bottom. I look up at Dr. Rosario who smiles lightly back at me. I assume he’s proud of me but I get the feeling there’s something else too. Maybe it’s just in my head. “Am I supposed to feel itchy?” I ask as I suddenly feel prickly like a cactus and try not to scratch myself raw. “It can itch. It’s a mild reaction and you’re doing great so far. Do you feel anything else?” He asks with care. Care like he is really hoping I won’t run out of here screaming or light myself on fire in protest. “No. Am I going to go bald?” I couldn’t help but ask. I saw the woman in the waiting area as she left and I’m not able to contain my fear any longer. I start to shake mildly from anxiety and fear of what his answer would be. My appearance wasn’t important to me. It never was. But my ability
The web I can’t unweave My first treatment
I make it to the oncology floor at the hospital. The first thing I notice is this overwhelming appearance of hope. The entry area is decorated with the essence of life. Photos of flowers, calming colors and some plants in planters line the wall and lead towards a desk where I can already see the receptionist smiling at me. I walk over to her slowly as I look around. I almost expected a dreary appearance to this place. I mean, the people who come here are pretty much trying not to die or expire for better words. Yet this place was decorated to look peaceful, lively and friendly. I slowly reach the receptionist although I thought about turning around and making a bolt for the elevator. “Cassandra Richardson, I’m here for my consultation”. I say in a hushed voice as if the tumor in head could be a secret. “Welcome Cassandra, the doctor will be right with you if you’d like to have a seat”. She was cheery. In a place of people trying to change their fate, people who were dying and
The web I can’t unweave Rise and Shine
I wake up not knowing how long I’d been asleep. I sheepishly look for my phone as I feel a slight pulsating sensation in my head. I like to think that’s my head injury and not the tumor that upheaved my life. I finally find my phone while rustling through the sheets and see that it says Thursday. I had slept for two days? Along with the date, I notice the dozen missed calls from my parents and a text from Maverick dated yesterday. I decided to call my parents back to ensure them I was okay. I’m sure they would’ve stopped by now but I recalled they had a few meetings lined of this week. My parents both sat on the board committee for Sonoma, a small city outside of San Francisco. The same city I’ve grown up in my whole life. It’s not a bad place. Just a small town of about 11,000 people with ambitions and dreams. Just not the same as mine. I wanted a legacy to reach all ends of the country whereas the legacy most people built here was a family, suburban living and comfort. After speakin
The web I can’t unweave The thought of Maverick
I gave him my phone number after talking for hours on the chatroom. Seemed only Fitting that we share real conversations that we could pick at each other’s perspectives without having to look for each other on an IM. If I’m being honest, there’s something about him that captivates me. I can imagine that his stellar and magnetic personality match a perfect smile and that is intelligence is met with perfect physique. He exudes confidence and although I hate to admire it - that confidence is sexy. There’s a moment where I imagine what it would be like for us to meet. Would there an undeniable connection or would the ghosts of my failed relationships haunt once again? Or was I the only one feeling this way? I snap myself back to the reality of things. I am 19 years old, sitting in my apartment alone at midnight and I just found out that I have cancer. I’m dying. And no one wants to be with a dying girl especially not when she could potentially go bald in treatment. Not to mention that
The web I can’t unweave Night one of Dying
I spent hours in my apartment thinking of what I could have done wrong to end up here but I don’t think there’s an answer. So I picked up my jumbled brain and began to focus on my emails. I open my nightstand to find my laptop and decide to distract myself with an other chatroom. I’ve used this chatroom to try and socialize with other people my age. It helps that it’s a chatroom for intelligent kids to pick each other’s brains and it’s mostly anonymous. Especially since socializing is not my strong suit. I log on and wait for my first IM to arrive. M: Hey, how are you? C: Hard day but nothing a good conversation can’t fix. (It wasn’t a lie - A moment like this makes me wish I had someone to snuggle up with and forget). M: Care to share? C: With a stranger? I think not. What would he say? Sorry? Pity wasn’t what I needed. M: You don’t remember me, do you? C: Have we met? M: We haven’t officially but we chatted a couple of times. How’d your SAT testing go? C: Appa
The web I can’t unweave The drive home
After collecting my things and getting my appointment confirmation paperwork, I left with the eerie feeling that my return in four days would be the realization that I may never have my legacy. In four days, I would be coming back to the hospital for my first initial consult with the oncology department and receive my first round of radiotherapy and even so, that’s not what frightened me. What frightened me was the unknown. I sat in the backseat as my parents drove me back to my apartment where my car would be waiting for me. They would have preferred I returned home but I need time to process on my own. I could tell their worry outweighed mine by a mile. As I saw the entrance of my complex, I felt a wave of relief as if my apartment had brought back my normalcy. I grab my hospital bag as we parked and began exiting the car. I then opened the drivers side door to which my father sat and gave home a hug and a ‘thank you’. I then reached over to hug my mom as I walked into my door.
