My first treatment

I make it to the oncology floor at the hospital.

The first thing I notice is this overwhelming appearance of hope. The entry area is decorated with the essence of life. Photos of flowers, calming colors and some plants in planters line the wall and lead towards a desk where I can already see the receptionist smiling at me. I walk over to her slowly as I look around. I almost expected a dreary appearance to this place. I mean, the people who come here are pretty much trying not to die or expire for better words. Yet this place was decorated to look peaceful, lively and friendly.

I slowly reach the receptionist although I thought about turning around and making a bolt for the elevator.

“Cassandra Richardson, I’m here for my consultation”. I say in a hushed voice as if the tumor in head could be a secret.

“Welcome Cassandra, the doctor will be right with you if you’d like to have a seat”. She was cheery. In a place of people trying to change their fate, people who were dying and trying not to. I don’t know whether it was a facade or she genuinely believed there was hope for them. Or for me.

I turn to sit down and as I begin to squat down in my seat, I’m met with the eyes of a young woman walking out. She was tall and frail with big brown eyes but that’s not what caught my attention. It was the clumps of hair clinging to her scalp and the hollowness of her face. I give her a shy smile back as she walks past Mac and my mind starts to go on an emotional rampage.

Am I going to look like that?

Will I lose my hair too?

Is the treatment killing her?

Am I really going to die?

I stop when I hear my name being called. It was Dr. Rosario.

I get up from my seat slowly to meet the young doctor who told me I was dying just a few days ago. The same doctor who threw my life in an uproar. I follow the doctor as he leads me into the room closest to the waiting area.

“Hello again, Cassandra. How are you feeling?” Dr. Rosario says calmly as he closed the door for privacy. He gestures for me to sit and takes his place at the seat on the other side of the desk.

“I’m okay. Are you going to be treating me here?” He was already young, was he even qualified to treat cancer patients?

“I will. I’ll be creating your treatment plan, administering your first treatment and monitoring your progress throughout your time here”. He smiles slightly as if it would calm the pit developing in my stomach.

“I know this is hard Cassandra. But I am almost certain that with treatment, you will improve. I want to start your treatment with 10 rounds of radiotherapy over the course of size weeks via IV administration. I’d also like to add a bag of saline and a zofran dosage afterwards to assist with dehydration and nausea from the medication. After three weeks, I’d like to order another MRI and CT scan to measure the size of the tumor and see if it responds well to the radiation. Then we can make changes to your treatment plan as needed.”

Six week? Radiotherapy? Treatment?

I feel the room starting to shrink around me and my breathing becomes harder to catch. I try to pace my breathing as I see Dr. Rosario get up and come to my side.

He placed a hand on my back and looks me in the eyes.

“Cassandra, I need you to breathe. In and out. It’s going to be okay.” He says as he motions for me to inhale and exhale while keeping complete eye contact with me in an attempt to comfort me.

I start to breathe in unison with the motions of Dr. Rosario and begin to relax. He then takes the seat next to me.

“I don’t want to die.” I say through the intense shakiness of my voice.

“I don’t want to lose my hair, I don’t know why this is happening to me and I don’t want to die.” I say as a single tear escapes. I could feel the waves of emotion inside me creating a tsunami. I was scared, panicked, anxious, worried and most of all, I felt defeated.

Dr. Rosario wipes my tears and lowers his head to create eye contact with me as he speaks.

“Cassandra, it’s okay to be scared. This is a scary event in your life. But if you’ll allow me, I’d like to try to help you in any way I can.”

“When do I have to start treatment?” There was no point in avoiding this so I try to collect myself and all the information I need.

“If you’re ready, I can start your treatment today and being that you’re a first-time patient, I will sit and monitor you the entire time today. How does that sound?” He says as he smiles reassuringly.

“Okay.” I say as I slightly bob my head. There was no point in avoiding this and at least I wouldn’t have to sit there alone.

Dr. Rosario leads me to an empty room lined with recliners, a bookshelf filled with books and magazines, IV administrative tools and a vitals cart at every station. It was a large open area. Would I be able to see and talk to other people as I got treatment?

Dr. Rosario leads me to a seat at the end of the room closest to the restroom door in case I feel ill. I sit down as he places my IV catheter and hooks it up to this IV bag filled with a liquid that looks yellow and radioactive. He then hands me a clip attached to the IV line that feeds the medication into my catheter. I look at it between my fingertips and give him a confused look as he sits down in a chair directly across me. I must be the last patient of the day seeing as there’s not a soul in sight.

“That is stopping your medication from going into your body. I will not force you to administer your treatment here. No one will.”

“I want that to be your choice Cassandra.”