Prologue

For how long could you settle into a relationship that has been choking you? 

Like a shackle, it has been holding you, preventing you to leave, making you stay no matter how toxic it has been. But I guess, there’s no way out of a prison that you voluntarily went in. There's no way out of the person you love no matter how toxic it is.

It’s because I loved him. I loved him from the bottom of my heart kaya kahit gaano na kasakit, hindi ko siya kayang bitawan. Hindi ko alam kung paano. At hindi ko kayang gawin.

Back then, I could still remember his courage, his kindness, and his humor that made me fall in love. I could still remember the moments we shared. It was the fastest, yet the strongest I fell in love with.

But as times went on, he changed. He became possessive. He hid me from the world when he knew I craved freedom. It’s like he pulled me out of the dungeon of my father, yet, he pushed me back into the abyss way deeper. He put me in a cage much worse than where I’ve been. And it hurt worse because… I loved him.

That no matter what, I know that I couldn’t leave. Lalo na ngayon.

“Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! sigaw ko habang nagtatatalon sa banyo, hawak ang pregnancy test na sinubukan ko kanina!

It felt ecstatic. Nitong nakaraang araw, I've been nauseous and feeling funny. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero dahil siguro sa dami ng problemang lumapit sa amin ngayon, nawala na 'to sa isip ko.

Until this month, I noticed that my period got delayed. I craved more and more different foods than I used to.

And now… I know why.

The two lines on the stick made me happy. After all this time, I thought nothing could make me happier than freedom. Kaya ko nga pinakasalan noon si Chester ay dahil dito, eh.

But God knows a path where I'll be most happy. And he led me there.

I couldn't help my tears as they started rolling. I couldn't be even happier!

And when I heard the familiar sound of an engine, nakangiti at kaagad akong tumakbo pababa ng hagdan para salubungin ang asawa ko.

I know… I know he'll be happy. Gagong 'yan, eh. We've been imagining ourselves playing with our little ones, while he imagined a damn group of little baseball players running around the house.

And this is where we… start to make our plans come true.

“Chester!” I called happily when he got out of his car.

But I… I don't think he wants this anymore. I don't think he'll be happy about this.

He looked so… disgusted at me…

“Chester, please–!” I shouted and shrieked when almost everything was wrecked. The vases were shattered, the house was a mess, and… our wedding picture was on the ground, broken and abandoned.

“I couldn’t believe you would do this to me! Minahal kita, Paris! I’ve loved you and trusted you, but what have you done?!”

His eyes were bloodshot. His hair was messy and disheveled. He was like that when he came home. So angry and so terrifying. 

Noong una, hindi ko alam kung bakit. I tried coming near him because I… I thought he was just stressed from work. Pero hindi niya ako hinayaang lumapit sa kanya.

It's like he was disgusted… and I don't know why.

He started throwing things and started cursing at me. Which he never did no matter how angry he was…

“H-Hon, w-what are you saying?” I couldn't get a hold of my stuttering voice. Nanginginig at hindi ko makontrol. How I badly want to calm him down, but I've never seen him this angry.

It's like I don't know him at all.

“See for yourself!” He threw the phone at me aggressively. “Tingnan mo para makita mo 'yang kalandian mo!”

With trembling hands, I took the phone that he threw at me. I don't actually know what to do. I don't know where to go on his phone.

Pero pagbukas ko ng telepono niya, I gasped loudly when I saw my face… i-in a nude video. No. It was not just me sa video na iyon.

I was… I was with someone. In fact, I was with… Reese.

No… no, no, no! 

“H-Hindi ako 'yan. M-Maniwala ka sa akin, Chester. I didn't do it with him! T-This must be edited or something!” sigaw ko dahil wala naman akong naaalalang ginawa ko iyon kasama si Reese!

I was with him, but those were purely because I was sorry! Pero wala naman kaming ibang ginawa. At kahit kailan, hindi ko kayang magtaksil kay Chester!

But this video…

I don't… I don't know where he got this o kung sino man ang kumuha nito. It was obviously edited!

However, my heart sank when my husband suddenly opened a brown envelope and threw it on the ground, causing all the photos to be exposed. 

“You think I'm stupid enough to just base everything on the video? No. I investigated on my own because I trusted and believed you… but what're these, hmm?”

I knelt down and tried to collect all the pictures. There's pictures of me meeting Reese at a resto, pictures of me getting in his car at ang ilang… litrato sa isang hotel na magkasama kami.

I could almost feel my soul shattering. My heart was torn into millions of pieces because I couldn't' deny these. Ano ‘to? Bakit ganito? S-Saan ‘to galing?!

“Were those faked too, Paris?!”

His thundering voice triggered my tears. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin dahil naguguilty ako. Masasaktan ko siya.

“T-These w-were true–”

“How could you do this to me?!”

“–P-Pero I never did it with him! Please, believe me–!” Pakiusap ko habang nakaluhod sa harap niya dahil hindi ko kayang gawin ito sa kanya! I love him! I love him so much.

I love him that if I had to die just to prove my innocence, then I will! 

“But you went to a hotel with him, right? And then what happened?” he asked in a dark tone that made me shiver.

“After he sent me to the hotel, he… he…”

I tried to dig out something. Ang naaalala ko lang ay nahihilo ako noong gabing iyon. I don't know what happened! When I woke up that dawn, Reese was already gone!

“What happened, Paris? What the fuck happened?!”

I closed my eyes as tears started rolling to my cheeks. Para akong nawawalan ng lakas nang tuluyang maisip ang katangahan at pagkakamaling nagawa ko.

I catch my breath as I looked at the video once again. My eyes were closed there, yet the moans weren't lying. There was no penetration, but it was a scandal. It was unfaithful.

“I-I'm sorry–!” I shrieked again when he threw the coffee that shattered into pieces. Umatras ako sa kagustuhang iwasan iyon, but the broken glasses still caught my arms.

Unfortunately, I also leaned on the shattered pieces of our wedding picture's glass frame, causing the glasses to penetrate my skin in the most painful way. Pero wala na akong pakialam doon. Wala na akong pakialam dahil wala nang mas sasakit pa sa nangyayari.

“C-Chester, p-please. Makinig ka m-muna sakin. Hindi ko sinasadya, h-hindi ko…”

He shut his eyes tightly. I want to explain something pero hindi ko alam kung ano. I know to myself that I didn't do it. I was never sore that day. I can also remember pushing Reese away! 

Pero hindi ko alam kung maniniwala pa siya sa akin. 

But I gotta try, right? 

“I-I promise, Ches. Nothing happened. I-I–”

“Stop lying!” he shouted at me. “Stop lying and take your things. Lumayas ka sa bahay ko.”

My jaw dropped and my heart sank at his words. Para 'yong sirang plakang nagpapaulit ulit sa pandinig ko! 

He can't do that. He can't do that, magkakaanak na kami!

“N-No, no, no. Please, Chester…”

I knelt down to beg him despite my blood being everywhere. I was too emotional to feel the pain. I don't want to leave. Hindi ko kaya.

Hindi ko kaya…

“Get out of here, Paris! Lumayas ka sa harap ko habang nakapagtitimpi pa ako sayo!”

“No… No, Chester, please. Let's talk about this. I-I'm…” I trailed off.

I wiped my tears and tried to form a smile dahil alam kong maaayos namin 'to. Gaya ng ilang mga away namin, hindi ba?

Maaayos namin 'to. Dapat na naming maayos 'to kasi… magkakaanak na kami.

“... I-I'm pregnant, Chester. M-Magkakaanak na t-tayo. We should solve t-this, right? W-We're already h-having a child, see?” I stood and tried to show him the pregnancy test on the pocket of my robe.

Pero nang… bigla niyang hawiin ang nanginginig kong kamay na naging dahilan ng pagtilapon ng pregnancy test, tuluyang gumuho ang mundo ko.

If the pain wasn't enough earlier, I could almost taste blood and see my world falling apart.

Never have I imagined that he'd do this.

Never have I imagined that he could say a few words that would make me feel so unwanted. It made me feel so broken and shattered. It made me feel so low.

“That's not my son,” he said.

“C-Chester, no. Please, believe me, s-sa atin ito! Anak mo 'to–!”

“How could I know? At kung sa akin man talaga… sa tingin mo ba matatanggap ko pa rin ba 'yan matapos ng ginawa mo?!” his voice roared and echoed in the house.

Para akong sinasaksak nang paulit ulit nang marinig ko sa kanya 'yon. Hindi ko inakalang magagawa niya kaming itakwil. It breaks my heart that I couldn't think well anymore. All I can do is beg. All I can do is beg him as he… went upstairs.

“Chester, please!” I cried when he took my things and luggage bag. He put all my clothes there aggressively bago niya ako kinaladkad palabas ng bahay.

He threw me outside his house like garbage. Like he never cared or loved me even once.

“I knew this all along. I knew that one day, you'll have the plan to cheat and leave me. Pinlano mo 'to, hindi ba? Like how you've always planned to use me and leave after our marriage. Ginamit mo lang ako kaya 'wag kang magpanggap na nasasaktan ka!”

I shook my head at him. Hindi totoo 'yon. Minahal ko siya. Mahal na mahal ko siya kaya nagtagal ako sa relasyong ito! I was so in love with him that I… I would do anything to prove myself.

“I love you, Chester. W-Who told you that? Si Claire ba? Si C-Claire ba, Chester?”

“It doesn't matter. Now, leave. Leave, Paris! I'm so disgusted at you,” he said. “Kaya umalis ka na at isama mo 'yang anak mo!”

“Chester–!” I shouted when he shut the gate at me. He went inside the house habang patuloy pa rin akong nakikiusap, nagmamakaawa na pakinggan niya ako.

The rain even started pouring habang lumalalim ang gabi. Pero nanatili lang ako roon, nagdadasal na sana lumabas siya. Na sana pakinggan niya ako.

Pero kahit lumipas na ang gabi, hindi niya ginawa. Natiis niya akong matulog sa labas ng bahay niya habang umiiyak.

He had the courage to let me out, proving me how disgusted he was. Na parang wala na kahit katiting na pagmamahal para sa akin.

Nagising na lang ako sa isang malakas na busina knabukasan. I immediately stood up when I saw the gates open, and the car getting ready to leave.

“C-Chester…” tawag ko pero nagmaneho lang siya palayo.

Hindi ako susuko. I want to talk to him. I want to talk this out dahil alam kong kahit kaunti, may pagmamahal pa rin siya sa akin. Kilala ko siya, eh. He's always been so thoughtful and caring.

I'm sure he still loves me. Kahit kaunti lang, Chester, please. Have faith in me.

“C-Chester, please, open up.” Habol ko sa umaandar na sasakyan niya habang patuloy na kinakatok ang bintana. “C-Chester, Darling, please open this up. Mag-usap tayo, please!”

Hinabol ko siya sa abot ng makakaya ko. But when he went to the highway, he drove so fast that I couldn't follow him anymore. 

Pero kahit na ganoon, sinubukan ko pa rin. Tanga na kung tanga pero hindi ako papayag na hindi kami magka-ayos. He is the father of my child! He is the man I love. I lied, but I never cheated.

Chester… makinig ka sa akin, please.

I wiped my tears and tried to run across the street para pumara ng taxi. I felt so lost and so desperate at that time that I don't even know what I'm doing. I felt so numb that I couldn't care anymore about my surroundings.

All I think of is him and all the pain.

“Miss, huwag ka munang tumawid!” I heard a shout from somewhere that made me look around while running. 

And when I… saw a car that honked so loud, I was too stunned to move. I was too stunned to shout or do anything but close my eyes.

Until I… couldn't feel anything anymore.