Novels by Captain Maria

When can we say that we’ve moved on from all the pain and heartache? How do we know if we’ve already moved on? How do we know if we’re just forcing ourselves and denying the pain? At higit sa lahat… paano ba tatanggapin ang pagkawala ng ating minamahal?I have lots of questions running in my mind. Habang nakatitig sa puntod ng aking asawa, hindi ko mapigilang itanong sa aking sarili kung paano kinakaya ng mga taong naiiwan ang paglisan ng kanilang minamahal.How can Kuya River… stand strong?Well, maybe he has his little angel that Sandra left to remind him of her love. At si Lionel… ganoon din.“Will you be fine here, Darling?” mahinang bulong ko at hinawakan ang kanyang lap

It still feels unreal. Sa tuwing iminumulat ko ang aking mga mata kada umaga, pakiramdam ko’y hindi totoo ang lahat. When I wake up without him beside me, I’d still wait for him to get out of the shower.But as minutes pass, after realizing everything… that he’s not here anymore… I couldn't stop myself from crying.The past few days were very hard. And it’s not getting any better. Sa bawat araw, parang mas lalo lang akong nasaktan.In the middle of the night, I can still feel him caressing my cheeks. I can always feel his warmth like he never left.“CK…” Nabalik ako sa katinuan nang marinig ang tinig ni Mom. She caressed my back and hair as she softly whispered. “Do you want something to eat? Mananghali

“L-Lionel, please… wake up. Wake up, please?” pakiusap ko.I tried to run and push his bed as fast as I could. Natatakot akong sa oras na bumagal ang takbo namin… baka hindi na kami umabot. Baka iwanan niya na ako. Baka…“Sweetie,” Mommy called and stopped me from entering the emergency room. Pero hindi ako nagpatinag. Gusto kong pumasok. Gusto kong malaman ang lagay ng asawa ko. Gusto kong naroon ako pagmulat ng kanyang mga mata.“Mommy, please. I k-know he’ll want to see me if he wakes up. G-Gusto ko siyang makitang mabuhay, Mommy. H-He’ll be worried sick if he wakes up without me. Alam ko iyon.” Nabasag ang aking boses habang patuloy na nagmamakaawang papasukin nila ako sa emergency room pero… hindi talaga. Ayaw nila.

At first, I thought I was only serving my revenge because they fooled me. Pero sino bang niloloko ko? I can’t… hold it any longer.I can’t contain my feelings anymore. After kissing her, marrying her legally without her knowing, after I locked her there, at matapos kong makita ang paraan ng titig niya sa kapatid ko, I know I wouldn’t be able to last another day without her knowing that she’s mine.At nang magising ako isang araw sa kanyang tabi… I couldn’t help but feel how much my heart is aching. I realized how stupid I am. She’s fucking innocent!At hindi siya biktima ng pangyayari kundi… biktima ng galit ko. I was the one who harmed her. I was the one who hurted her and traumatized her. Kaya anong… karapata

I did shit the next few days. Umuuwing madaling araw tapos aalis na ulit, I go to bars often, meet few ladies and mess with them in a way we both know. Umabot pa sa puntong ginawa ko iyon… sa bahay mismo.Alam kong napakatanga ko, pero wala akong pakialam. I can’t take Katherine off my mind, and I know that I have to! Kaya lahat ginawa ko para maalis siya sa sistema ko. Pero alam kong palagi ko siyang makikita kaya minabuti kong ituon ang atensyon ko sa iba.But unexpectedly, one night, she… saw me doing it with another woman in our very own house.Fuck, I’m so screwed up.“Katherine?!” sigaw ko nang makita siyang tulala sa amin. She looked stunned. Subalit ang gulat ay napalitan ng takot nang

They say that before people close their eyes, they tend to remember the most beautiful thing that happens to their lives.But no matter how much I’m afraid to die, I don’t think I can still… make it.“Lionel… Lionel, please, wake up!” I stared at my beautiful wife as she cried so much. The last thing I want to see is her shedding tears. Dahil sa tuwing nakikita ko siyang umiiyak, it always felt like I failed my duty as his husband.It always reminded me of those days when I was an ass to her. It always reminded me that until now, I’m still not satisfied dahil pakiramdam ko’y kulang pa ang mga ginagawa ko para makabawi sa kanya.“Hala! S-Sorry, akala ko walang tao!” sigaw ni Katherine at kaagad isinar

“I'll stay here for a bit. Iuwi niyo na lang muna si Jordan. Susunduin ko na lang siya bago ako umuwi sa bahay,” sambit ko at inihiga ang natutulog na si Jordan sa backseat ng van kung nasaan si Aubree. “Alright. We'll go home already. Umuwi ka rin agad at magpahinga…” Dad said. Tumango ako at hinawakan ang pinto para isara. I closed the door and watched them go. Tahimik na ang lugar. The tent was still built, but the chairs were gone already. Bumuntonghininga ako at saka nilingon ang sasakyan ng taong alam kong kanina pa nanonood. “You can come near if you want to. Hindi kita bubugbugin ngayon,” I said after sitting in the grass in front of the grave, knowing that someone can hear me.

I woke up the next day, feeling more tired than usual. Rinig ko ang pagiging abala ng lahat sa labas kaya't tumayo na ako mula sa pagkakahiga.Napabaling ang aking tingin sa kabilang bahagi ng kama. My tears fell once again at the sight of it.“Dad,” I heard Jordan knocking on the door.Pinunasan ko ang aking mga luha at nilingon ang pinto. Jordan managed to open the door and ran immediately to hug me.“W-What's wrong, Jordan?” I asked him.Umiyak siya at mas humigpit ang yakap sa akin.“H-Have you had breakfast?” tanong ko sa kaniya. Umiling siya at narinig ko ang kaniyang hikbi habang nakayakap sa akin.

“You’re marrying Charlotte, and that’s final.” Napatanga ako sa sinabi ni Mom sa kabilang linya ng telepono. What the fuck?“Mom, I thought we’re on the same side? You promised me that we’ll convince Dad that I will never marry Cha!”Damn it. It’s been days since I went to Batanes with Cha. Pumayag akong pumunta rito, and even lied to my love that I have a business trip with Dad dahil nangako si Mom na tutulungan niya akong kausapin si Dad basta sumama muna ako pero…“I don’t like that girl, River! Kung ayaw mo siyang hiwalayan… ako ang maghihiwalay sa inyo.” Before I could even argue, ibinaba niya na ang telepono. This is frustrating!Pero hindi

She never really took me seriously at first. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero sa palagay ko ay dahil iyon sa lahat ng katarantaduhang nagawa ko noon.It felt like all of my sins were recorded, and she became my punishment.“I don’t believe you, River. I’m sorry, but you’re unbelievable.” I couldn’t remember how many times Sandra replied this statement to me every time I told her that I like her very much.Kalimitan ay dinadaan ko na lang talaga sa pagbibiro ng pamimilit o di kaya’y pagsuyo sa kaniya. But deep inside, it’s slowly hurting me. It’s like she never trusted me.Imagine? She even tried to turn me into a gay just so her family wouldn’t know about it!

I ran to the hallway quickly and quietly. I don't want to attend the philosophy class. It's boring.“Hey, River,” Alice greeted me nang malampasan ko siya sa hallway.I winked at her and she held my arms. But damn, this isn’t the time for flirting.“I'll catch up with you later at the party. Right now, I just need to run away from class,” I said and kissed her cheeks.“Alright, see you later,” she said.I smirked and continued running. Surely, the lecturer will catch me in no time kaya mas dapat ko pang bilisan ang takbo. Madaya naman kasi at foundation day tapos may klase siya sa amin.

“I'm sorry, the patient died due to the wound in her chest and internal bleeding. Her ribs are broken, and it affected her lungs. Kung nabuhay siya… she won't be able to walk. Her legs are fractured badly.”That’s what the doctor told us.I stood up slowly and noticed Kuya Angelo wiping his tears.I bit my lip. I remembered our youth. She was blooming like a flower, and her brother was already building fences so no man could touch her.I had that flower. But somehow… I failed to protect her.“Gusto kong makita ang anak ko… pupuntahan ko si Sandra,” Mama Alondra told Kuya Angelo.“Makikita rin natin si Sandra. Konting tiis la

I was taken aback by the words he uttered. Like what I said, I understood why he did those back then. Pero ngayong humihingi siya ng tawad sa akin, hindi ko alam ang isasagot.“Dad…”He smiled weakly and tried to look at me. “I know what I did back then was unforgivable, but I was just protecting you, and…”“Dad, Dad…” kaagad ko siyang pinutol. I held his hand and smiled at him. I know that I hated him so much back then. I was stupid. I was reckless and damn stupid. Ngayon, kahit hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit niya pinakasalan si Tita Faureen, I don’t care anymore.He’s all that I have. He’s the only parent I have.And this grudge has been here too long already. Pagod na pagod na akong magalit.“I understand…” pagpapatuloy ko ngunit suno-sunod siyang umiling sa akin.“No, I didn’t give you a proper explanation back then,” aniya. “Your Tita Faureen, she and I have been good friends even before I met your mother. When your mom left, I… I didn’t know what to do. I wanted you to

What…Everything fell silent after he uttered those words. Pakiramdam ko, pinagsakluban ako ng langit at lupa at hindi ko alam kung anong paniniwalaan.I felt numb. I-I couldn’t even think properly or say something properly. Gusto kong tumakbo… gusto kong magwala… gusto kong….Oh God, what is this?“Chancellor pushed her causing her death. M-Magkasama kami noon at naglalaro nang makita niya ang Mommy mo. Back then, we… we really hated your Mom because we know what’s up between her and dad,” pagpapatuloy ni Chester sa mga bagay na hindi niya nasabi sa akin noon.“She approached us, and it was really an accident. My brother didn’t mean it… we were…” parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa bawat salitang binibigkas niya. His voice was hoarse and breaking. Parang paulit-ulit siyang sinasaksak sa bawat salitang binibitawan, and it breaks my heart hearing him that way. “... we were just children…”Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya at halos madurog ako nang makita siyang umiiyak. He was doing his b

Masama ang loob ko at walang imik hanggang makabalik kami sa resthouse nila Chester. Maging siya tuloy ay tahimik at hindi ako kinikibo kaya mas lalo lang akong naiinis.Well, I’m not totally mad at him. Naiinis ako sa nalaman ko! And the fact that they’re still friends made me dislike the idea even more. Dumagdag pang parang hindi niya napapansing masama ang loob ko.Eh ‘di do’n siya kay Claire!Wait, no. Ugh!“What’s wrong? Are you mad at me?” tanong niya nang hilahin ako para maupo sa lap niya sa couch dahil tataas na sana ako sa kuwarto.I rolled my eyes. “No,” I simply answered and was about to leave him pero siyempre, hindi niya ako hinayaan. Si Chester ‘yan, eh!“Sinungaling,” mahina at mapanuyang asik niya bago ako ginawaran ng halik sa pisngi. “Tell me, Love. What’s bothering you? Kakaunti lang ang napamili mo dahil kanina ka pang ganiyan.”I rolled my eyes. “Oo nga at kanina ka pa rin walang pake,” asik ko.He groaned as he buried his face on my neck. “I’ve been trying to ca

I saw my whole world fall apart right before my eyes when he uttered those words. How… how is that possible?“What are you saying? T-That can’t be… my father would’ve killed you–!”“He almost did. Remember?” he asked with a ghost of a smile, cutting me off and making me remember that he was right.Galit na galit sa kanya si Daddy noon, and I could vividly remember the night when he was almost killed by my Dad. Hindi ko magawang maintindihan noon ang aking ama, pero ngayong narinig ko ang mga salitang ‘yon mula kay Chester, parang naninikip ang dibdib ko.“Are you sure you want to talk about it already? Paris you seem unwell. I–!”“No,” I said. “Keep talking. But please… nagmamakaawa ako sa’yo. Do not lie this time.”My words were straight and blank. But his eyes tell me that to him, they were like bullets fired into his chest for a reason that I could not name.But after a few blinks, nawala iyon at matamis siyang ngumiti sa akin. “I promise.”Chester and I have been great the next fe

I couldn’t recall how much I cried for a few days because of that. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari, or what triggered them back, but the memories kept flowing like a river that could not be stopped. And along that, I could feel surges of emotion that I could not name. Halo-halo ang nararamdaman ko, and I don’t know if I could even contain all of them. I don’t even know how many days it has been. I was only brought meals inside my room and was taken care of. Minsan binibisita ako nina Daddy at Tita Faureen sa kwarto, but I don’t have the energy to talk to them. When I look at my father, all I can do is cry. Kaya nang lumabas ako sa kwarto, they were all surprised.“Paris? How are you feeling? I should’ve just brought you some food for–!” Napatigil si Tita Faureen sa pagsalubong sa akin nang mapansin niya kung ano ang nakakuha ng atensyon ko pagbaba ko ng hagdan. My lips parted at the sight of tons of flowers in the living room. Some are withered, and some are being saved by Tita

“Don’t bother. I can manage,” I said and waved my phone to show him that I’d just book myself a cab. Wala rin naman akong planong makituloy sa bahay ng kung sino mang kaibigan o kamag-anak. I’ll just stay at a hotel for the next few days to relax and think.Wala rin naman akong choice kundi tanggapin ang pamilya nina Felix sa amin. I just need to calm the fuck down or else I’d add fuel to the damn fire. Hindi ko alam kung anong naging reaksyon niya. I feel dizzy and tired that I just want to lay on a bed. Isa pa masyado na akong napahiya sa lalaking nakaupo sa harap ko. I have to leave before things gets worse kaya minabuti kong talikuran na siya at lumabas ng club.His response to my offer makes me feel very damn awful. That is so fucking embarrassing!Pero nasabi ko na, eh. And as stupid as it may sound, I’m not regretting it. I do not regret it, because if he’d accept the offer, I’ll gladly be his girlfriend.Damn, I really am drunk.Sinikap kong panatilihing mulat ang mga mata ko