Nobela ni Captain Maria

When can we say that we’ve moved on from all the pain and heartache? How do we know if we’ve already moved on? How do we know if we’re just forcing ourselves and denying the pain? At higit sa lahat… paano ba tatanggapin ang pagkawala ng ating minamahal?I have lots of questions running in my mind. Habang nakatitig sa puntod ng aking asawa, hindi ko mapigilang itanong sa aking sarili kung paano kinakaya ng mga taong naiiwan ang paglisan ng kanilang minamahal.How can Kuya River… stand strong?Well, maybe he has his little angel that Sandra left to remind him of her love. At si Lionel… ganoon din.“Will you be fine here, Darling?” mahinang bulong ko at hinawakan ang kanyang lap

It still feels unreal. Sa tuwing iminumulat ko ang aking mga mata kada umaga, pakiramdam ko’y hindi totoo ang lahat. When I wake up without him beside me, I’d still wait for him to get out of the shower.But as minutes pass, after realizing everything… that he’s not here anymore… I couldn't stop myself from crying.The past few days were very hard. And it’s not getting any better. Sa bawat araw, parang mas lalo lang akong nasaktan.In the middle of the night, I can still feel him caressing my cheeks. I can always feel his warmth like he never left.“CK…” Nabalik ako sa katinuan nang marinig ang tinig ni Mom. She caressed my back and hair as she softly whispered. “Do you want something to eat? Mananghali

“L-Lionel, please… wake up. Wake up, please?” pakiusap ko.I tried to run and push his bed as fast as I could. Natatakot akong sa oras na bumagal ang takbo namin… baka hindi na kami umabot. Baka iwanan niya na ako. Baka…“Sweetie,” Mommy called and stopped me from entering the emergency room. Pero hindi ako nagpatinag. Gusto kong pumasok. Gusto kong malaman ang lagay ng asawa ko. Gusto kong naroon ako pagmulat ng kanyang mga mata.“Mommy, please. I k-know he’ll want to see me if he wakes up. G-Gusto ko siyang makitang mabuhay, Mommy. H-He’ll be worried sick if he wakes up without me. Alam ko iyon.” Nabasag ang aking boses habang patuloy na nagmamakaawang papasukin nila ako sa emergency room pero… hindi talaga. Ayaw nila.

At first, I thought I was only serving my revenge because they fooled me. Pero sino bang niloloko ko? I can’t… hold it any longer.I can’t contain my feelings anymore. After kissing her, marrying her legally without her knowing, after I locked her there, at matapos kong makita ang paraan ng titig niya sa kapatid ko, I know I wouldn’t be able to last another day without her knowing that she’s mine.At nang magising ako isang araw sa kanyang tabi… I couldn’t help but feel how much my heart is aching. I realized how stupid I am. She’s fucking innocent!At hindi siya biktima ng pangyayari kundi… biktima ng galit ko. I was the one who harmed her. I was the one who hurted her and traumatized her. Kaya anong… karapata

I did shit the next few days. Umuuwing madaling araw tapos aalis na ulit, I go to bars often, meet few ladies and mess with them in a way we both know. Umabot pa sa puntong ginawa ko iyon… sa bahay mismo.Alam kong napakatanga ko, pero wala akong pakialam. I can’t take Katherine off my mind, and I know that I have to! Kaya lahat ginawa ko para maalis siya sa sistema ko. Pero alam kong palagi ko siyang makikita kaya minabuti kong ituon ang atensyon ko sa iba.But unexpectedly, one night, she… saw me doing it with another woman in our very own house.Fuck, I’m so screwed up.“Katherine?!” sigaw ko nang makita siyang tulala sa amin. She looked stunned. Subalit ang gulat ay napalitan ng takot nang

They say that before people close their eyes, they tend to remember the most beautiful thing that happens to their lives.But no matter how much I’m afraid to die, I don’t think I can still… make it.“Lionel… Lionel, please, wake up!” I stared at my beautiful wife as she cried so much. The last thing I want to see is her shedding tears. Dahil sa tuwing nakikita ko siyang umiiyak, it always felt like I failed my duty as his husband.It always reminded me of those days when I was an ass to her. It always reminded me that until now, I’m still not satisfied dahil pakiramdam ko’y kulang pa ang mga ginagawa ko para makabawi sa kanya.“Hala! S-Sorry, akala ko walang tao!” sigaw ni Katherine at kaagad isinar

Three days. It has been three days since we got back from Tagaytay. Biglaan kasing nag-aya si Chester noong gabing iyon na umuwi na kami kaya wala na rin akong nagawa. At mula noong gabing iyon, hindi na kami nag-uusap.Well, we had dry conversations, but that’s about it. He’s dry when he talks to me. Kahit pa pilitin niyang magpanggap na walang problema, sana aware din siya na alam kong may problema.Pero kahit na…Hindi ko magawang kulitin siya tungkol doon. I sighed. Hay, hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko.“The Lorente’s are back in business,” Dad said out of nowhere habang nagbbrowse siya ng balita sa kanyang Ipad. “Do you know them?” he asked me.I pursed my lips and slowly nodded. Lorente. Apilyedo ngayon ng Mommy ni Chester.So they already settled things? She really got what she wanted.Kung ganoon, ano pang problema? Bakit ganoon si Chester?“You’re silent,” puna ni Dad. “Are you sure ayaw mong sumama kina Faureen sa Okada? You’d be bored here.”Nilaro ko ng tinidor ang s

“Love,” I called him nang makarating kami sa bahay. Kanina pa siyang tahimik at walang kibo sa biyahe dahil sa nangyari. He look tensed, frustrated, angry in fact, dahil sa nangyari kanina. Hindi ko na tuloy naintindi ang maraming bulaklak sa likod ng pickup niya.Instead, I tried to follow him inside the bedroom kung saan alam kong didiretso siya.“Is that any way to greet your mother?” the woman asked.My lips parted. I was about to look at Chester gamit ang matang mapagtanong, nang bigla niya akong hilahin papunta sa kanyang likuran. And that alone answered my questions. She really is his motherPero bakit siya nandito?After all that Chester said kanina, hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong dapat kong gawin dahil sa paraan pa lang ng paghawak niya sa akin ay ramdam ko na kung gaano niya kaayaw sa presensya ng kaniyang ina.Damn, why is she here? I mean, I don’t mean anything bad, pero gusto ko sanang mag-relax kaming mag-asawa ngayon. My husband’s

“What’s wrong?” maagap kong tanong nang makitang i-decline niya ang call. “May problema na naman ba?”I parted my lips and wanted to ask more, pero kaagad niya naman akong pinigilan sa pamamagitan ng isang matamis na ngiti. “It’s just work. Sigurado ako roon. Huwag na lang nating sagutin–!”“Chester,” mahinang tawag ko dahil hindi ko talaga gusto ang nararamdaman. I know, I may just be being too paranoid, but can you blame me?I have to ask it.“You’re not hiding something from me again, are you?” I asked. It’s not that I don’t trust him pero… I don’t know… it’s just my gut.Kung may problema naman kasi ang company ay surely, naroon ang kaniyang ama at mga kapatid. I.. I don’t know, iba lang talaga ang pakiramdam ko. I feel like I’ve known him too much, and I know the way he acts when he’s hiding something.And I’m not mad… I’m just worried that maybe… he’s doing this again to protect me from something. Ayaw ko ng ganoon. Ayaw ko na poproblemahin niya lahat nang siya lang.He has me.

“Kanina mo pa akong hindi kinakausap,” he stated as a matter of factly nang maibaba ang mga gamit namin sa couch ng kanyang bahay. Yet again, we’re here at Tagaytay to stay for a couple of days, at umpisa pa lang ay hindi na ako agad nag-eenjoy!“Inaantok lang,” sagot ko at agad tinanggal ang jacket. Akma kong kukunin ang maleta ko at aakyat na papunta sa kwarto. Gusto kong magshower at umidlip muna bago siya kausapin. Pakiramdam ko wala na rin akong ganang kumain dahil sa pagod at sama ng loob. Maybe when I wake up in the middle of the night due to some sort of miracle, just maybe I will talk to him.Pero sino bang niloko ko? Hindi ko ‘yata matatakasan ang isang ‘to. “Hey,” kaagad niyang hinawakan ang maleta ko at pagod na tumayo mula sa couch. I glared at him at hinila pabalik ang maleta ko pero hindi niya naman iyon binitawan.“Bitaw. Inaantok na ko, Chester.” Pero sa halip na sumunod, tumayo lang siya at hinarap ako. Ako tuloy itong nanlilisik ang matang nakatingala sa kanya!“Wh

I was taken aback by the words he uttered. Like what I said, I understood why he did those back then. Pero ngayong humihingi siya ng tawad sa akin, hindi ko alam ang isasagot.“Dad…”He smiled weakly and tried to look at me. “I know what I did back then was unforgivable, but I was just protecting you, and…”“Dad, Dad…” kaagad ko siyang pinutol. I held his hand and smiled at him. I know that I hated him so much back then. I was stupid. I was reckless and damn stupid. Ngayon, kahit hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit niya pinakasalan si Tita Faureen, I don’t care anymore.He’s all that I have. He’s the only parent I have.And this grudge has been here too long already. Pagod na pagod na akong magalit.“I understand…” pagpapatuloy ko ngunit suno-sunod siyang umiling sa akin.“No, I didn’t give you a proper explanation back then,” aniya. “Your Tita Faureen, she and I have been good friends even before I met your mother. When your mom left, I… I didn’t know what to do. I wanted you to

What…Everything fell silent after he uttered those words. Pakiramdam ko, pinagsakluban ako ng langit at lupa at hindi ko alam kung anong paniniwalaan.I felt numb. I-I couldn’t even think properly or say something properly. Gusto kong tumakbo… gusto kong magwala… gusto kong….Oh God, what is this?“Chancellor pushed her causing her death. M-Magkasama kami noon at naglalaro nang makita niya ang Mommy mo. Back then, we… we really hated your Mom because we know what’s up between her and dad,” pagpapatuloy ni Chester sa mga bagay na hindi niya nasabi sa akin noon.“She approached us, and it was really an accident. My brother didn’t mean it… we were…” parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa bawat salitang binibigkas niya. His voice was hoarse and breaking. Parang paulit-ulit siyang sinasaksak sa bawat salitang binibitawan, and it breaks my heart hearing him that way. “... we were just children…”Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya at halos madurog ako nang makita siyang umiiyak. He was doing his b

“I'll stay here for a bit. Iuwi niyo na lang muna si Jordan. Susunduin ko na lang siya bago ako umuwi sa bahay,” sambit ko at inihiga ang natutulog na si Jordan sa backseat ng van kung nasaan si Aubree. “Alright. We'll go home already. Umuwi ka rin agad at magpahinga…” Dad said. Tumango ako at hinawakan ang pinto para isara. I closed the door and watched them go. Tahimik na ang lugar. The tent was still built, but the chairs were gone already. Bumuntonghininga ako at saka nilingon ang sasakyan ng taong alam kong kanina pa nanonood. “You can come near if you want to. Hindi kita bubugbugin ngayon,” I said after sitting in the grass in front of the grave, knowing that someone can hear me.

I woke up the next day, feeling more tired than usual. Rinig ko ang pagiging abala ng lahat sa labas kaya't tumayo na ako mula sa pagkakahiga.Napabaling ang aking tingin sa kabilang bahagi ng kama. My tears fell once again at the sight of it.“Dad,” I heard Jordan knocking on the door.Pinunasan ko ang aking mga luha at nilingon ang pinto. Jordan managed to open the door and ran immediately to hug me.“W-What's wrong, Jordan?” I asked him.Umiyak siya at mas humigpit ang yakap sa akin.“H-Have you had breakfast?” tanong ko sa kaniya. Umiling siya at narinig ko ang kaniyang hikbi habang nakayakap sa akin.

“You’re marrying Charlotte, and that’s final.” Napatanga ako sa sinabi ni Mom sa kabilang linya ng telepono. What the fuck?“Mom, I thought we’re on the same side? You promised me that we’ll convince Dad that I will never marry Cha!”Damn it. It’s been days since I went to Batanes with Cha. Pumayag akong pumunta rito, and even lied to my love that I have a business trip with Dad dahil nangako si Mom na tutulungan niya akong kausapin si Dad basta sumama muna ako pero…“I don’t like that girl, River! Kung ayaw mo siyang hiwalayan… ako ang maghihiwalay sa inyo.” Before I could even argue, ibinaba niya na ang telepono. This is frustrating!Pero hindi

She never really took me seriously at first. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero sa palagay ko ay dahil iyon sa lahat ng katarantaduhang nagawa ko noon.It felt like all of my sins were recorded, and she became my punishment.“I don’t believe you, River. I’m sorry, but you’re unbelievable.” I couldn’t remember how many times Sandra replied this statement to me every time I told her that I like her very much.Kalimitan ay dinadaan ko na lang talaga sa pagbibiro ng pamimilit o di kaya’y pagsuyo sa kaniya. But deep inside, it’s slowly hurting me. It’s like she never trusted me.Imagine? She even tried to turn me into a gay just so her family wouldn’t know about it!

I ran to the hallway quickly and quietly. I don't want to attend the philosophy class. It's boring.“Hey, River,” Alice greeted me nang malampasan ko siya sa hallway.I winked at her and she held my arms. But damn, this isn’t the time for flirting.“I'll catch up with you later at the party. Right now, I just need to run away from class,” I said and kissed her cheeks.“Alright, see you later,” she said.I smirked and continued running. Surely, the lecturer will catch me in no time kaya mas dapat ko pang bilisan ang takbo. Madaya naman kasi at foundation day tapos may klase siya sa amin.

“I'm sorry, the patient died due to the wound in her chest and internal bleeding. Her ribs are broken, and it affected her lungs. Kung nabuhay siya… she won't be able to walk. Her legs are fractured badly.”That’s what the doctor told us.I stood up slowly and noticed Kuya Angelo wiping his tears.I bit my lip. I remembered our youth. She was blooming like a flower, and her brother was already building fences so no man could touch her.I had that flower. But somehow… I failed to protect her.“Gusto kong makita ang anak ko… pupuntahan ko si Sandra,” Mama Alondra told Kuya Angelo.“Makikita rin natin si Sandra. Konting tiis la