Chapter 4: Walang Kawala

I moaned softly when his kiss went deeper. I couldn’t have a damn time to process anything dahil sa patuloy niyang paghalik sa akin. Chester cupped my cheeks and pulled me closer to deepen the kiss. At kung hindi pa kami parahong hinihingal, hindi niya pa ako lulubayan.

Fuck… w-what was that?

When I opened my eyes, I met his pitch-black pair of eyes. I can see how the lights reflected on it, and it looked stunning. But unlike others, his eyes were blank. Almost like it does not hold any emotion at all. And it bothered me seeing that way.

“Still looking for Chancellor?” he asked in a seductive tone as he smirked. He then licked his lips, which made me roll my eyes.

“Umalis ka nga riyan,” I said and pushed him back to his damn personal space. “Halik ka nang halik, hindi naman tayo close,” I whispered as he laughed and continued driving. This bastard.

“Where should I drop you off?” he asked.

Honestly, I don’t know. Right now, I have nowhere to go. And I’m definitely not going home. Ayaw kong makausap si Daddy o kahit sino sa pamilya niya. “Drop me off at the nearest mall. I’ll meet someone there,” asik ko.

I saw how his brows furrowed a bit at my answer. “Sino?”

“None of your business.” I rolled my eyes and didn’t answer.

On our long ride papunta sa mall, hindi ko mapigilang punahin ang katahimikan niya. I don’t know what’s running in his mind because I really barely know him. Pero hindi ko maiwasang punahin ang katahimikan niya. Unlike his twin who’s always talkative and friendly, para siyang napipilitan lang na makipag-usap. 

I tried to observe him on our way to the mall, pero hanggang sa makababa ako, wala siyang salita. And I hate that it bothered me.

However, what I hated most was the truth that I was… considering his proposal.

“Gaga! You are really considering that brute’s proposal?! Damn it, Paris, what are you thinking?!” Markus scolded me habang nag-iinom kami sa bar kung saan nila ako dinala after ng mall shopping kanina.

“As if Paris has a choice,” Claire interrupted before she took a shot. “We all know what could happen if Paris disagrees with the engagement. Ngayon pang failed ang engagement niyo, surely, he’d die in frustration.”

Hindi ako nagsalita sa sagutan nilang dalawa. Bagkus, sinubukan kong daanin na lang ang lahat sa pag-inom. I don’t care if I’ll be dead drunk tonight. Damn, I actually hope that I would be! Para naman mapigilan ko na ang sarili ko na mag-isip ng kahit ano dahil parang sasabog na talaga ang utak ko sa dami ng problema. And I don’t think partying does its magic like it used to. Kahit itong alak hindi na rin nakatutulong!

“I can still taste it,” I complained while looking at the damn glass. I feel dizzy, but I can still taste his fucking lips!

“Taste what? Umayos ka nga, Paris! We’re trying to solve your problems here, so we need more details,” Markus said. “Have you agreed yet to his proposal? At kailan ang kasal?!”

“I haven’t told him that. At plano niyang… within two weeks ay maikasal kami–”

“What the fuck?!” Claire exclaimed. “Hamit na hamit siyang magpakasal kung ganoon!”

Yes, I’m aware of that. Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit. And why did he… know what I was going through? Why is he acting as if he knows me? Like he knows what I need?

“Balita ko rin noon na… nananakit daw ‘yan. I’m not sure, but my cousin’s friend had a relationship with him back then,” Markus added.

Eh?

“S-Sa gwapong iyon? I don’t think so…”

“I hope so too, Claire. But what’s true is that they had a relationship. And despite being in a relationship for years, he never asked for her hand.”

My brows furrowed at what he said. He’d been in a relationship?! Bakit nga naman hindi niya pinakasalan?

Did they just break up?

Fuck. Hindi ko alam. Wala na akong maintindihan!

Pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasang iconsider ang pagpapakasal sa kanya. I’m not sure why, but I really did get my hopes up on what Chester said. Will he really… pull me away from the life that I am tired of living?

“I know what you’ve been through, Darling. Marry me in two weeks, and I will take you away from your possessive father. I will give you the things that you know you deserve.” 

Parang sirang plakang nagpapaulit-ulit iyon sa isip ko. At kasabay ng pagpapaulit-ulit noon ay ang unti-unting pagbigay ng tiwala ko sa kanya. But I know that I should not. That I shouldn’t! 

“Don’t trust him, Paris. I’ll find a way to put you out of this,” Markus said.

“Tapos ano? Ikaw ang bubuntunan ng galit ni Dad pag nagkataon,” I stated as a matter of fact.

“Why don’t you just… you know… try and get to know him in that two weeks? If he’s really is what the issues tell, eh ‘di… takasan mo sa kasal,” Claire suggested, which actually isn’t a bad idea.

Pero…

“And the tabloids? Si Daddy? At saan naman ako pupunta, gaga?” I asked.

“That’s what we’re here for!” Claire answered.

“Eh ‘di tumakas ka na ngayon pa lang, Paris! Ngayon pa lang ay ilalayo ka na namin,” agap naman ni Markus kaya mas lalo akong nalito.

I really shouldn’t trust Chester, shouldn’t I?

Lalo na’t ngayon pa lang ay ginugulo na niya ang isip ko.

I breathed heavily and decided to take another shot nang may mahagip ang mata ko sa dancefloor. Kahit malayo man iyon, kitang kita ko pa rin ang mukha niyang malinaw ang pagkakarehistro sa akin. His features were damn clear, and I can see his eyes clearly!

And funny how it was, pero sa isang sulyap pa lang sa kaniyang mga mata, nasigurado ko na kung sino siya. 

His hair, his fashion sense, and the way he panicked while calling someone made me know that he’s nobody else but Chancellor.

My lips parted at the sight of him.

“Not believing me? Then why don’t you go and ask him yourself? I’m pretty sure that his answer won’t be the same as I did last night.”

I can still remember Chester’s words. Talaga bang… may mahal nang iba si Chancellor?

Bumuntong hininga ako at kinuha ang purse ko sa table. Maybe there’s only one way to damn find out.

“Saan ka pupunta?” Markus asked when I left the table pero hindi ko siya pinansin.

Sa halip, dumiretso ako sa dance floor patungo sa harap ni Chancellor. I want him to know how I feel. I want him to know that I’m in love with him!

Pero nang maisip na wala siyang ginawa para pigilan kami ng kapatid niya, parang nasasaktan na ako.

“P-Paris–?”

“Chancellor. It’s you, right?” I asked with a disappointed smile. Natatawa ako nang narealize na ni ang katotohanang isa siyang Del Fuego ay hindi niya sinabi sa akin.

Was I fooled? Or am I just too unimportant for him?

“Y-Yeah… anong… ginagawa mo rito–?”

“Ikaw? Anong hindi mo pa sinasasabi sakin?” tanong ko pabalik sa kanya. “Del Fuego, huh? I didn’t know that you were triplets,” I said.

“I’m sorry, but please let’s… talk about this some–!”

“I don’t have another time, Chancellor. I want to tell you this now before I completely lose my mind!” I exclaimed. “I’m in love with you, Chancellor. Are you damn aware of that? Sa tagal nating magkaibigan, I fell in love with you–!”

His eyes widened at what I said. Pero sigurado akong hindi siya sa akin nagulat kundi sa biglaang pagsagot siguro ng taong tinatawagan niya.

“H-Hey, Harmony. N-No, honey, I can explain. Please tell me where you are, hmm? Saan ka nag-iinom?” tanong nito bigla sa kausap sa telepono na ikinakunot ng noo ko.

I felt my heart torn into a million fucking pieces dahil sa narinig. So it’s damn true?! He’s really into someone else?!

Kung ganoon… bakit ganoon ang trato niya sa akin noon? He made me feel loved! He made me feels os pecial and so happy!

“Chancellor,” I called when he put his phone down.

“Listen, Paris. I-I’m really sorry, pero I don’t have time for this. Saka na lang tayo mag-usap,” he said.

“Kailan? Kapag kasal na ako sa kapatid mo?!” I asked angrily. “Please just answer me atleast once. You were making me happy, Chance! Ikaw ang rason kung bakit sinusubukan kong kumapit ang maging determinado! You were my ray of sunshine, and you know that I like you, right? Hindi ka naman siguro manhid, hindi ba?”

I don’t know if people around us could hear me pero wala akong pakialam. All I want is to hear an answer from him. To clear my thoughts! To know if I should still hold on. Dahil hindi ko gustong kay Chester magmula kundi sa kanya mismo.

“Paris… I’m really sorry. I wasn’t numb… I was just in love with someone else so please… don’t misunderstand it.”

W-What?!

“Chancellor–!” I tried to chase him when he walked away pero bago ko pa nagawa iyon, may kumaladkad na sa akin palayo!

What the?!

“Bakit ba susundan mo pa? Ang tigas talaga ng ulo mo.”

My eyes widened when I heard a familiar voice. Too familiar na kaagad akong nairita.

“Damn it, Chester, bitawan mo nga ako!” sigaw ko nang patuloy niya akong hilahin palabas ng bar.

I can still hear my friends call pero natigil iyon nang mapansin siguro nila kung sinong kumakaladkad sa akin!

“Chester! Bitawan mo nga ako! I’m with Markus and–!”

“And now you’re with me,” he said.

Aalma pa sana ako pero tuluyan niya na akong nahila palabas ng bar!

“Ano ba?!” I pulled my arms from him bago ko siya hinarap. My tears are still evident, and I know that he can see them properly.

As he stared into my eyes, I know that he noticed all the pain and tears. Hindi ko alam kung anong nakita o narinig niya kanina, pero sigurado akong alam niyang si Chancellor ang kausap ko.

“Ano? Nakuha mo na ang sagot na gusto mo? I told you, Paris, he’s in love with someone else!”

“Oo na nga ‘di ba? Narinig ko naman  ‘yon! I heard him well, dimwit!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as tears started rolling down my cheeks. 

Hindi naman ako bingi, eh! Chancellor is in love with another woman! And he’s only like that to me because he sees me as a friend! Nakukuha ko naman ‘yon, ah?!

Chester breathed heavily before he pulled my head para ilapat iyon sa kanyang dibdib.

“Hush now. He’s not worth your fucking tears,” he said.

Para akong batang walang nagawa kundi umiyak. I really just don’t get how Chancellor could make me feel that way when he’s in love with someone else!

That’s fucking bullshit!

“Halika na.” Chester pulled me to his car once again habang patuloy akong umiiyak dahil sa hinanakit. 

Kahit sa buong biyahe, puro katahimikan at iyak ko lang ang bumalot sa amin. I felt like I actually lost a home. I lost the only reason to escape my father’s orders. I lost the only home I had.

Pero ano pang magiging rason ko para tumanggi kay Daddy? Wala na. Wala na kong ibang magagawa.

Kung hindi pa dumating si Chester… baka hinabol ko pa rin si Chancellor.

Chester who’s… bound to marry me, the one who promised me freedom, and… 

I turned my head to look at him. Identical triplets, huh? He really looked like Chancellor. Only the eyes and the attitude are different.

“Saan kita… ihahatid?” he asked nang mapansin niyang tapos na ako sa pag-iyak at nakatitig na sa kanya.

When I looked around, I realized that he’s been just going around the area habang umiiyak ako.

Bumuntong hininga ako, nag-iisip kung tama ba ang gagawin kong desisyon. Yet again, i have no choice, right?

“You promised me freedom, don’t you?” I asked out of the blue, which made him interested.

“Freedom from your father, yes,” he said. “But freedom from me, no.”

I breathed heavily and thought about what could I even lose. Pero wala. Wala na. Wala nang mawawala sa akin.

“If you wouldn’t marry me, you knew that the tabloids are fast. I’m sure marami ang nakakilala sa inyo ni Chancellor kanina kaya–!”

“You’re just like him. You’re just like Dad,” natatawang asik ko nang mapatunayan ko iyon dahil sa pang bablackmail niya.

“Don’t say that,” he said angrily. “I am never like your father, Paris. I’m just giving you facts.”

I closed my eyes. What could I gain from marrying him? Kalayaan. Kalayaan mula kay Daddy.

Something that I want long ago. Something that would make me breathe.

Pero iyon lang ba talaga ang rason ng pagpapakasal ko?

No. I know deep inside me that it's not the only reason why I’m considering this marriage. Iyon ay dahil…

Dahil kay Chancellor.

“Your twin does not love me. What’s the point of declining your proposal?” I asked him.

Nang idilat ko ang mga mata ko, nakita kong nakatitig na siya sa akin. “Are you marrying me para isampal kay Chancellor ang pride mo? O baka naman dahil iniisip mong magsisisi pa siya?” natatawang aniya.

My lips parted at his words. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang tinamaaan ako roon. But of course, I won’t damn admit it.

Bakit ko iyon… aaminin sa kanya?

“Think what you want. Pero ayaw kong umuwi sa bahay. In fact, I don’t want to be under Dad’s roof anymore. I’m tired of him controlling me. So if you want me to marry you, then… take me away.”

I crossed my arms and shut my eyes. I don’t know if this is just the alcohol talking pero kahit ganoon, alam kong desidido ako sa bagay na ito. I will marry him. 

Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa determinasyon ito o dahil nawalan na lang talaga ako ng rason para kumapit at manatili. 

At kung balang araw… pagsisisihan ko man ito…

Wala na namang mawawala sa akin. Dahil ni minsan, hindi naman ako nagkaroon ng kahit anong pahahalagahan.

“You don’t love Chancellor,” Chester said out of the blue.

“Excuse me?!”

“You don’t love him. You shouldn’t. He’s worse than you thought.”

“And you’re way better? I don’t think so,” natatawang tugon ko.

“Then why are you going to marry me, hmm? Flash news again, Darling. Kahit magsisi pa ang asong iyon… hindi ka na niya makukuha sa akin.”

I looked away, trying to calm myself dahil nakakalimutan ko yatang tarantado rin ang isang ‘to.

“Bukas… I’ll call for breakfast with your family. Then we’re already engaged. Wala ka nang… kawala sa akin.