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Grief. An unwelcome feeling that is quenching my heart. The dusk overseeing my window is mirroring how I feel, cold and aloof.

~~

Seven forty am. It will take me about three minutes to walk into my first class, hopefully. I’m clutching Rover’s steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turn white.

It had been three weeks since my grandparents died in a car accident. Apparently, mourning can’t take forever like I wanted. Here I am, in front of the school that used to be my second home. Most of the kids my age would think of school as hell - not me - not until now. I hate to face everyone and see pity in their eyes, which would definitely be hell.

Deep breaths, in and out. I ignore the wild trembling of my hands. Unlocking the door, I took my Nike backpack, and swung it over my shoulders before closing the car door, locking it. It’s too early to wear my Lee Cooper Sunnies, but I wore them, anyway. Thank you to sunny Santa Barbara, I can hide my eyes from anyone… everyone looking at my way.

It was hard to act normal because, on the inside, I can feel the bottomless pit of agony and loneliness.

On a usual day, I’ll lean on my car, wait for my friends. We’d catch up even though we’ve updated on social media the entire weekend. That’s my life. My Nonna called it sweets and sunshines.

My schoolmate’s eyes were boring holes in my head as I made my way through the endless sea of students in the hallway. Sometimes, I want to be just a regular student. Be invisible in everyone’s eyes, but that can never happen.

Even with my head held down, I know I reached my destination. My locker stands out because I painted it with the Sakura tree… Nonna’s favorite tree.

Letters in different sizes spilled out from my locker when I hauled it open, mostly white and light purple. I opened one after the other; it said the same thing from different people with different cursive handwritings. ‘Sorry for your loss.’

I didn’t want to be popular. I knew it meant that almost everyone would be nosy about my life. Before the tragedy, I took it in a good way… now it felt suffocating.

Gathering all the letters in my hand, I shoved them into my backpack, took my English Lit book, docked my head and headed to my first class.

As I neared the room, the loud buzz and student chatter announced that almost everyone must be already in. Perfect. Just perfect.

Heaving a deep breath, I stood in the center of the door frame, glancing around the room. Familiar faces of the people I’ve been with since freshman year met my gaze.

As if the Angel of death graced us with its presence, the chatter and clutter of the room faded. Some of my classmates gawked, some glanced, some looked my way and pretended to not be curious.

I was not one to care how people see me, nor how they would think about me. I live my life the way I want it to be, but now, I care. The pitiful gaze being thrown in my direction is not appreciated by me.

Glancing around, I tilted my chin up and ignored the hollowness inside my chest. My classmates scurried back to minding their own business.

‘Life must go on, Bobbie…’ With this thought in my head, I heaved a sigh and clutched the strap of my backpack and the spine of my book.

Finding my spot at the front row, I walked towards it before petite arms wrapped around my body, startling me.

“Bobbie, how have you been?” My best friend Melissa pulled away. Clasping my face with her soft hands, he tilted my head from side to side. I don’t know if she’s looking for money or broken bones. She planted kisses on both my cheeks before looking straight into my eyes. “Are you sure you’re ready for class? I can ask my dad for additional leave.”

Smiling was never a problem for me, but I’m forcing one right now as I lowered my Sunnies. “I’m good, Mel. Thank you, but I think I need to walk back into reality.”

I’d like to commend myself, I was a good liar.

Melissa was wearing our cheerleading green and gold uniform matching with our team jersey. “I’m so glad you’re back, Bobbie. The team misses you, school’s not the same without you.” Her eyes were raking my outfit. She frowned but masked it instantaneously.

I was not wearing our ‘uniform’ but instead, I was in my black skinny jeans and a white loose sweater. It must’ve looked like I just woke up, but who gives a fuck.

She pulled my hand and guided me to our spot in the room. Soon, I was circled with my teammates and friends, including my other best friend Candice. They were talking about some celebrity couples who recently broke up and Paris Fashion week. My head and ears were not into this conversation, and I was saying a silent prayer that our teacher won’t be late today.

My class for the morning went well - I zoned out and I will ask one of my classmates for a copy of their notes.

Peeking on the rectangular glass panel of the cafeteria door, I felt my hands shaking on my side. Crowded places were sickly sweet. It was hard to pretend that I was okay. Surrendering defeat, I decided to walk on the playing field, finding a good hiding spot.

Standing in front of the big oak tree, the grass moulded the shape of my Converse as I shuffled from one food to the other. Plonking my bag on the ground, I slumped myself beside it. Not caring about the dirt that’s about to cling onto my jeans, I leaned my body on the rough trunk behind me. Feeling each bark mold against my skin.

The leaves create a shadow of slivers kissing my skin. A dance with the wind creating a beautiful art. I want to focus my mind on something, on anything apart from this pain, but it just doesn’t go away.

Pulling my knees to my chest, I buried my face in it and stifled my sobs, giving in to the hollow feeling in my chest.

Sorrow is killing me. Who knew that the fierce Barbara St. Clair is such a weakling.

I miss them - so much. Nonna’s cooking, Nonno’s overrated jokes, both their hugs in the morning before I go to school, both their kisses when I came home. Our house feels empty. Even my heart feels empty. I feel like I’m the living walking dead.

Gusting of the grass closing in on me was not in my best interest. I bit the insides of my cheeks to make it look as if I was taking a nap instead of crying. I’m not worried about my reputation, I’m not one of those popular kids who’ll hide their feelings because they need everyone’s approval. Nonna taught me that people should like me for the real me, so I was never afraid to show my emotions. I just want to be left alone for now, and I hope that whoever was invading my newfound hiding spot leaves soon.

To my dismay, I felt a faint warmth beside me. The person must be sitting about a foot away. I don’t know if I should be thankful that someone was not popping my personal bubble or be irritated that he or she can’t find another spot to sit on.

I must be failing miserably in hiding my sniffles because I felt that someone was poking my arm. The person said nothing, so I peered on my side to see who it was, not lifting my head fully. The white hanky this person was handing me blocks my glance on their face.

Taking the white cloth in my hand, Jake West’s brown eyes meet mine. My boyfriend’s tawny eyes. He gave me a sheepish smile and I don’t know if I should hug him or something.

“Thank you,” was all I said and wiped my cheeks with his handkerchief.

“Do you want me to leave?” he is treating me like a fragile doll and I don’t like it. Jake and I are in our two-year relationship since sophomore year.

Jake was always so kind and sweet to me, unlike the idea of anybody around us. They see him as one of the bad boys and players of the school, but so far I have found nothing to put him in that label.

I shook my head, and my tears streamed again. He breathed out, scooting closer to me, and drew me in his arms. “I’m here for you, Baby. You still have me.” His words filled with sincerity, which only made me cry harder.

“I’m sorry,” I don’t know what I am apologizing for. For his dirty white shirt, which was now drenched in my tears or for pushing him away when I needed him most.

“I understand, Bee, you don’t have to apologize for taking your time,” he cooed.

Patience and understanding were the ones Jake gave me for these past three weeks, and I’m thankful for that. He wanted to be with me since the accident, but I had no strength to face anyone. Even at the funeral, I let our lawyer take care of everything. I was afraid that if I face our family and friends, the reality that they’re never coming back becomes ‘my’ reality.

I was childish and lucky to still have Jake beside me after that. We stayed like that for however long… I can’t remember. Free period for me and I know Jake needs to be at his art class.

Once again, I wiped my tears with his handkerchief and put on a brave face. “You need to go to class, Jake.”

His tawny eyes were studying me, and I know he can see through my phony smile. Only he and my Nonna can do that. He shrugged his shoulder and gave me a sweet smile while kissing the top of my head.

“I’ll stay with you for a while. I missed you, Bee,” planting a soft kiss on my cheek.

I giggled at his antics. A genuine one. “I miss you too, Handsome.”

My cheeks were not used to smiling, I guess, because it felt unreal. Only Jake can make me smile, even at my lowest. I don’t understand why I pushed him away, maybe because it felt like somehow I’m betraying my grandparents if I find happiness.

“So, do you want to grab a proper meal?” Jake asked and I nod gleefully. I have had nothing in my system besides pizza, and I was starving for proper food.

Every time we go out, we ride Jake’s bike. At first, I was hesitant about riding that thing because it was a monster that looks about so ruck up any minute. He’s been using it since freshman year, so I guess I shouldn’t judge the book by its cover.

Jake handed me his leather jacket. His minty-forest scent engulfed me the minute I wore it.

I missed his scent.

I missed him… so much.

Wrapping my arms around his waist, we drove off. He gives me the feeling of security and safety whenever we’re together, and I needed it now, the most.

The drive to our favorite diner is short. It used to take fifteen minutes, but Jake took it in ten. He’s a fast driver, but not reckless. Especially when I’m with him. Our usual booth was empty, and we both ordered triple cheeseburgers. Throughout our late lunch, I’m thankful that Jake didn’t ask too many questions. He was holding my hand and the comfortable silence around us was so peaceful.

The afternoon class went by like bliss until it was time for our practice. My cheer uniform still fit me well, but it felt eerie. I love cheering and dancing as much as I love ice cream. It was everything that I wanted since I was in preschool, but now, it just felt odd.

My teammates pulled me into a bear group hug when they saw me enter the gym. I gave them my practice smile, but Coach Audrey was giving me her full attention the whole time. It was like she’s studying me like a biology specimen. My mind and body move in sync, but my heart for cheering is not there.

After practice, Coach asked me to stay. I gave everyone each a bear hug and thank them for their support. Melissa and Candice were the last ones to leave, and they can’t stop saying that they’re always there for me. They are two of my best friends and I’m really thankful for their concern.

When everyone left, Coach Audrey pulled me into her petite arms. She was a few inches smaller than me, with ginger hair that’s always tied into a neat bun. She’s like the older sister I never had, and I have a bad feeling that she can see through my charade.

She guided me to sit on one bench and held my hand lovingly. “Bobbie, I know what you’re going through is hard, I’ve been there.” She started and I can feel my tears threatening to fall. What she’s saying is true, not just to sympathize with me. Her husband died in a car crash three years ago, and I watched her as she pulled herself back together. Piece by piece.

“I know how much the team means to you,” she continued, and her voice was now more solemn than before. “I watched you grow up into this amazing woman you are, but I can also see that your heart is not into cheering anymore, at least for now. Why don’t you take this season off, Bob?”

I can’t be angry with her for voicing out something like this. She was letting me go, and I perfectly understood why, so I pulled her into a hug while my tears flowed like a river.

“I’m sorry for letting you down, Coach,” I said in between sobs.

“No Bobbie,” she pulled away, looking straight in my eyes with her green ones. “You are a very brave young lady, you can come back anytime you want… when you’re ready. The team will not be the same without you.”

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand and smiled at her. “I love you, Coach.”

“I love you too, Bobbie, call me if you need someone to talk to, okay? Don’t be a stranger.”

~~

AN

Hi love, thank you for checking out my book. Don’t forget to follow me on i*******m Castiel_lj.

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