LOGINShare
Kabanata 09- I can't
Last Updated:
2024-10-29 19:42:56“ Magkakasakit ata ako sa atay dahil sayo!” Stefan laughed when I pulled him outside of his car. We are once again in his prestigious bar to mend my broken heart.
Pagkatapos ng commotion at ang paguusap namin ni Matthew kanina, bigla ko nalang kinuha ang susi kay Stefan before driving to this station. I didn’t mind that I am just here last night and drinking dahil ang tanging naiisip ko lang ay ang sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko sa puso ko.
Just by remembering what happened earlier makes me want to bawl and cried myself out of this world at isa lang ang alam kong solusyon dito. I want alcohol and I needed alcohol to clear my mind.
“ Oh, ma’am?! Mag-paparty ka nanaman?!”
I didn’t acknowledge the friendly smile and comment of the waiter, I just keep on dragging Stefan to the bar counter where there is no one to be found since it is still early in the afternoon.
“ Just watch me drink.” I told Stefan when I only ordered a one bottle of black label and one shot glass just for myself. He smirks and shakes his head before typing something out of his cellphone.
Hindi na ako magugulat ng sunod-sunod na mag-notify ang cellphone na hawak ko. I laughed and cringe my nose because Stefan posted a photo of me holding the black label with a caption “ Black label: Ang sagot sa mga broken.”
“ Gago!” I muttered before pouring myself a drink. I watched the liquid gush of the bottle and straight to the glass at hindi ko nanaman maiwasang maisip ang nangyari kanina.
I am driven by my emotion, yes, but I just can’t understand Matthew’s intention. Mabuti nalang pala pinuntahan ko siya, nalaman ko tuloy na may girlfriend naman pala siya and that he is not interested with me hindi tulad ng iniisip ko. I laughed at myself romanticizing him and his actions in my mind.
Fuck fate, fuck love!
Or I am just assuming things? Pero bakit siya nagagalit noong nakita niya ako na nakikipaghalikan kay Rameses?! Why is he so caring?! Why did he entertain my feelings?!
“ Are you officially out of your mind?!” Stefan scoffs in disbelief at doon ko lang narealize na umaapaw na pala ang alak sa baso at hindi ko lang napansin dahil sa kung ano anong pumapasok sa isip ko.
“ Fuck!” I cursed at myself before throwing the bottle to the nearest wall. Nagulat ang mga nagtratrabaho doon but they didn’t mind doing something dahil nakaabang ang nagpapaliwanag na si Stefan.
He partially owns this bar kaya kahit magwala pa ako dito ay okay lang basta kasama ko siya.
“ Mukhang malalim problema mo ah?!” bungad ni Stefan pagbalik niya galing sa gilid kung saan kinausap niya ang mga empleyado. I shook my head in disappointment before looking around as if stopping my tears from falling.
“ Ano ba kasing nangyari kanina?!” he asked dahil hindi na ako nag-abala pang mag-kwento sa kanya although he keeps asking if why I have a red eyes when he saw me again.
“ Ano kasi…” I don’t know if I will tell him what I did. I don’t even know if I have the right to feel this way dahil baka mamaya nag-aasume lang pala ako about sa amin ni Matthew.
“ Ano?!” he impatiently asked before getting another bottle of the black label and pouring me a drink. Ininom ko muna ang iniabot niyang alak bago ako nagsimulang ikuwento ang lahat ng nangyari kanina.
“ P**a! May jowa pala si pareng Mateo?!”
Hindi niya makapaniwalang sinabi ng matapos ng makinig sa sinasabi ko. Inis ko siyang binatukan dahil iyon lang ang tumatak sa isip niya sa dami ng sinabi ko.
“ Eh paano ka?!”
Hindi ko alam kung paano sasagutin ang katanungan ni Stefan dahil iyon din ang katanungan ko sa sarili ko. Napansin siguro niya na hindi ko din alam ang kasagutan kaya mas lalo siyang naglabas ng mas matinding alak para sa akin.
“ Cheers to the broken hearted!” he playfully said before tossing my glass and just right that we were once again let ourselves get drowned in alcohol.
Sobrang bigat na ng talukap ng mata ko matapos kong ibato sa gilid ng couch ang pang walong bote ko ng alak bago unti-unting humiga sa couch.
We transferred here when the evening comes at mas lalong dumami ang mga tao dito sa club ni Stefan. I looked at him and laughed when I saw how devastating his position is. Nakatihaya na siya sa single couch at laylay na ang kamay na may hawak na bote.
Nakabukas na din ang tatlong butones ng suot niyang black long sleeves at halata na ang mga kiss marks doon.
Gusto ko siyang gisingin para kumuha pa siya ng iinumin but I think he is alcohol dead by now. Lasing kong nilakad ang daan papunta sa labas ng Vip area na pinagkakalagyan namin pero agad din akong napaupo sa gilid dahil sa sobrang hilo.
My phone rang inside my jeans kaya kinuha ko ito at walang muwang na sinagot ang tumatawag.
“ Where the hell are you?!”
Boses palang ay alam ko ng si Matthew ang nasa kabilang linya. He sounds angry and tired.
“ Huh?” Tanging iyan lang ang nasabi ko dahil sa sobrang lakas ng tugtog sa lugar.
“ Stay there!” He said before dropping the call. I shook my head before trying to get up on my own pero sobrang lasing ko na yata talaga dahil hindi ako makatayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa malamig na sahig nitong bar.
“ Radia!” I heard someone shouts my name pero hindi ko iyon masyadong pinansin dahil sa sobrang kalasingan until I felt like I am floating.
A man carried me in a bridal style paalis sa pwesto ko, sinubukan kong kumawala mula sa pagkakahawak niya pero masyado siyang malakas kumpara sa akin.
“ Who are you?!” I shouted and started to panick lalo na ng tuluyan na kaming makalabas at madala niya ako sa kotse niya.
“ Fuck! You are so drunk.”
“ Matthew?”
Lasing kong tawag sa kanya dahil sa pamilyar na pabango. I tried to look closely and touch his face but he only dodge my touch and fix my position to the backseat of his car.
“ I hate you!”
I don’t know what I am trying to say anymore but I know that I hate Matthew for letting me feel this way.
“ You played with my feelings.”
May hinanakit kong sumbat sa kung sinumang may hawak sa kamay ko ngayon. I can feel his stares but I closed my eyes and let the pain invade my feelings once again.
“ I hate you so much!” I muttered before my tears starts flowing right into my eyes. Sobrang lakas ng iyak ko habang paulit-ulit na binabanggit kung gaano ko kinamumuhian si Matthew.
“ I’m sorry Radia.” I heard him say but my cries are too loud to be comforted in that phrase.
“ Can you stop this?” I asked at him as if he knows what I am feeling and talking about.
“ Stop what?”
“ Stop acting like you care! Stop acting like you fuckin’ like me! Stop acting like you want me when you fuckin’ have a girlfriend!”
I cried when that realization hit me hanggang sa maramdaman ko nalang na unti-unti na akong hinahatak ng tulog pero bago pa man ako tuluyang makaidlip ay narinig ko pa si Matthew na sumagot sa akin.
“ I'm confused but sorry, I can't.” He said before everything went black .
Related chapters
KISMET Kabanata 10- Cousin
It’s been almost a week ever since I wake up in my bed with a pounding head and still visible memories of my stupid behavior. Akala ko ay nabubura ng alak ang kahit anong katangahan na ginagawa ng tao habang lasing ito pero bakit malinaw padin sa utak ko kung paano ko sinumbatan si Matthew. Matthew. My mind keeps on coming back on him every time that I am occupied with something. Para siyang droga na kahit alam kong masama sa akin ay masaya akong nagpapakalango. I cannot even help myself from crying when I remembered that he didn’t show even after those conversations parang wala lang, parang wala na. One week of waiting for his calls or messages and one week of waiting for him infront of our door to just appear even if he chose to question everything. Pang kahit ano nalang basta makita ko lang siya at malaman na tulad ko naguguluhan din siya at may pakielam but I just keep on disappointing myself because he didn’t do anything, bigla nalang siya
KISMET Kabanata 11- Confession
“ So..” I reluctantly said while looking above the sky. Sobrang taas ng sikat ng araw ngayon at nakakasilaw ang liwanag na dala nito ngunit dahil sa mayabong na dahon ng punong aming kinalalagyan ay hindi ito naging malaking hadlang sa amin. Once again we are the back of the orphanage. Naalala ko kung paano kami huling nagpunta dito, it was chaotic and scandalous. Nag-init ang pisngi ko dahil kahit kapwa na kami nakahiga sa isang kumot sa ilalim ng puno ay hindi padin binibitawan ni Matthew ang kamay ko. He seems happy.. very happy because it is obvious that he is hiding a smile while looking at the sky. I glanced at him when he whistled once and a bird lands on his chest. Natatawa niya akong pinagmasdan ng mapasigaw ako dahil sa sobrang gulat sa ibon but in the end he shoo the bird away. The dead silence and the peacefulness of the place is deafening. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahang kausapin si Matthew, it feels like all of my inhibiti
KISMET Kabanata 12- Brother
“ Aray!” malakas kong sigaw ng maputol nanaman ang isang string ng gitara at matalsikan ako nito. Inis kong tinignan ang tumatawang si Matthew na ngayon ay halos gumulong na sa sahig dahil sa kapalpakan ko. He is teaching me to learn guitar pero kahit anong turo niya ay hindi ko talaga makuha. “ Buti nalang madami akong stock na nakatago,” litanya niya bago umakyat sa taas at pumasok sa kanyang kwarto. We’ve been hanging out to their house dahil kanina ay ipinakilala niya ako sa parents niya but unfortunately his parents needs to go somewhere kaya kami nalang ang naiwan dito ngayon. Itinabi ko muna ang gitara sa katabing sofa at sinundan siya sa taas. He told me earlier to not enter his room because he is scared that we will not control our self once more tulad ng nangyari noong nakaraan kung saan halos may mangyari na sa amin sa likod ng puno. “ Knock knock,” I playfully said kahit nakaawang naman ang pintuan. Nakasimangot siyang lumingon sa akin bago ipinag
KISMET Kabanata 13- Quits
Love.. I’ve never imagined that I will be so in love with someone someday that I will want them only for myself. I feel so clingy and sad when I saw Matthew’s message saying that he will be gone for a week because he needs to do some gift-giving in some secluded area in a province. I pouted and took a selfie before clicking the sent button to our conversation. Stefan who is bothering me again in my room laughed at what I did and shook his head in disappointment. “ I’ve never pegged you to be this lovesick fool,” natatawa niyang turan bago kunin ang gitara sa tabi ng kama ko at nagsimulang tumugtog. I laughed because of his remarks and watch him struggle doing the guitar. “ Wala ka lang girlfriend!” I teased him back earning a death glare from him. “ Ikaw…” “ Huh?” nagulat kong tugon dahil sa biglaang sagot niya and it feels like he didn’t know that he said it allowed kaya pinagtakpan niya ito ng isang malakas na halakhak. I’ve crea
KISMET Kabanata 14- Ex
“ I know that you’ve missed me but I need you to do me a favor,” “ Radia?” “ H-Huh?” I instantly looked at Matthew when he calls my name waking me from staring to his brother. Inimbita ako ng mommy niya na mag-breakfast sa kanila but he’s smirking brother is sending shivers in my nerves kaya hindi ako makapagfocus sa sinasabi ni Matthew. “ I’m s-sorry, ano ulit iyon love?” nahihiya kong tanong habang tinitignan ang parents niyang nakangiti sa amin. “ I think she’s tired of you, son!” his father remarks making his eyes widen out of surprise. Malungkot siyang tumingin sa akin but then we heard his father laughed teasing him. “ N-No, o-of course not po tito,” I defended myself habang iniiwas ang tingin sa kaliwang kabisera ng kanilang dining table. Matthew held my hand and kissed it infront of his parents making me blushed. “ W-What was your favor again?” nahihiya kong tanong dahil hanggang ngayon ay nakangiti padin ang pare
KISMET Kabanata 15- Think
“ Are you alright?” tanong ni Matthew ng makita niyang nakatulala ako sa loob ng tent. I wasn’t really thinking of anything aside from what his ex-girlfriend said earlier. Pinipilit kong patatagin ang loob ko at ngumiti kay Matthew but then I saw the woman walking towards our direction smirking at me pero ng lumingon si Matthew ay agad iyong napalitan ng mala-anghel na ngiti. “ I didn’t know you’re here Matt!” she sound like a conservative angel malayong malayo sa paraan ng pananalita niya kanina. Matthew held my hand and she looked at it, hindi maitago ang pait na nararamdaman but a minute later she smile again like nothing happened. “ Yeah,” maikling sagot ni Matthew still looking at me and not minding her presence pero ng tinawag sila na pinakahead ng community service ay walang choice si Matthew kung hindi sumabay sa kanya. She seems to be having a hard time scoring a real conversation with Matthew pero hindi siya nagtatagumpay dahil hindi man lang siya tapunan n
KISMET Kabanata 16- Identity
One week have passed and then another long week and another week without Matthew. I’ve waited almost everyday but he didn’t call nor sent me any messages about our argument and just like that I’ve accepted our fate that maybe that was the last time that I will saw him and I will be happy with him. It’s like a borrowed time…a borrowed moment and I didn’t realized it until I am here crying and hurting because of him. “ You know what?! Fuck him! Don’t destroy yourself like this!” sigaw ni Stefan matapos akong panoorin na umiinom nanaman sa bar niya. It is our summer break pero lagi akong nakatambay dito at nagpapakalango sa alak buti nalang ay dito lang din nagtrabaho si Stefan kaya libre akong pumunta dito kahit tanghaling tapat. “ Do you believe in fate?” tipsy, I asked him and looked directly at his eyes. He looks tired and pained watching me like this pero anong magagawa niya if this is the only way I know to stop the pain that I am feeling. “ Maybe it’s not
KISMET Kabanata 17- Wasted
“ So how do you wanna start this?” nakangiti kong tanong kay Stefan ng makapunta kami sa gitna ng dance floor ng club. My arm is clinging into his neck while we are dancing in the middle of the crowd dahil nagsimulang magpatugtog ang dj ng slow songs. I laughed when he smirk at me and get his phone out of his suit. Pinanood ko siyang magpindot pindot doon until he looked upstairs kung nasaan ang station ng dj, the dj assigned then winked at him and quickly change the music into a party mix. Sobrang naglundagan ang mga tao at umugong ang tunog ng hiyawan sa buong lugar. Tinawanan ko si Stefan ng igiya niya ako sa pinakagitna ang nakapamaywang na hinamon ako ng sayaw and just like before I put my hands in air and dance wildly as if I didn’t mind anything that is beside me. Mas lalong lumakas ang hiyawan ng magseductive dance ako at hilahin ang isang lalaki bago mag-grind dito. I watch how he catches his breathe at mabilis din na lumayo ng magsimula na siyang humawak sa baywang
Latest chapter
KISMET Kabanata 53
“ Tell me that you didn’t get hurt,” malakas kong sabi sa kanya matapos kong buksan ang pintuan at makita siya sa kanyang mesa.Nothings changed. He was still in his messy dress shirt pero ngayon ko lang napansin ang maliit na sugat sa gilid ng labi niya. Immediately, I found myself grabbing his jaw to look at it.Marahan niyang hinawi ang kamay ko. “ Hindi mo na kailangang malaman.”“ Stefan naman,” sabi ko matapos mabatid na hanggang ngayon ay galit padin siya. The last time, he told me to avoid each other pero hindi ko pala kayang gawin iyon sa kanya.We’ve been friends ever since that I can remember, it is not easy to let go when every part of me remembers him. I just cannot leave him behind just because both of us cannot settle a feeling that should’ve never sufficed in the first place.Hinarap ko si Stefan sakin bago huminga ng malalim. “ I broke up with Rameses,” sumbong
KISMET Chapter 52
" Grabe ka na talaga, Architect. Ganito ba kapag broken? Mas lalong gumaganda?"Napairap nalang ako sa pambobola ni Nathaniel matapos kong ilapag ang dala kong coffee para sa amin ngayong araw. It's morning and usually, we will have our meeting for the plans that is approved before mag-proceed sa pagpapatayo ng mga infrastracture. It's a usual meeting, assembly meeting actually matapos lahat ng nakakapagod na pangyayari sa buhay naming lahat.Luckily, no one leaves the company. Stefan is still the head of the firm, he is still avoiding me but I don't think it's because he's angry. It's to tame our wild heart, the one that is broken for too long. I just wished that it will be fixed immediately, because Stefan? I miss his banters and just being with him.He's my soulmate. Lagi lagi at magpakailanman.Rameses entered the room, he's not happy nor sad. Usual na talaga para sa kanya ang poker face habang bitbit ang mahiwagang leather bag
KISMET Kabanata 51
“ You’re breaking up with me?” kalmadong tanong ni Rameses matapos niyang tumingin sakin habang nakasandal sa salamin na pader ng kanyang condo. I simply nodded and look so small while sitting in his bed. Sinadya ko siyang puntahan dito, just to say that I want to break-up.Tinignan niya ako na para bang nagpapatawa ako. “Wala pa tayong one month,” he pointed out before stepping forward and sitting in front of me with both of his knees touching the floor.“ Why?” he asked in a serious voice, holding my face with both of his hands and making me looked at him. He looks confused and hurt at the same time.Sabi ko sa sarili ko, it’s wrong. Mali na magmahal hangga’t hindi pa naghihilom ang sugat sa puso ko. I chose to see this and needed to do this for the sake of our heart.“ You’re a good man, baby.” I smile as the words came out of my mouth. Rameses is indeed a good
KISMET Kabanata 50
Saksi ang mga kumikinang na mga butuin sa kalangitan kung paano ko nagustuhan at minahal si Matthew dahil sa mabuti niyang puso, ngunit ang makita siyang lango sa alak at gumagawa ng mga bayolenteng bagay ay talaga namang nakakapagpagababag sa aking isipan.“ Matthew!” Agad kaming napahinto sa paglalakad ni Matthew ng marinig namin ang hinihingal na tawag ni Sabrina. Right, the fiancé.She looks so messed up. “ Sa gilid lang ako, after your talk, I will bring you home,” she concluded before she looked at me with so much pain in her eyes. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko, she’s a homewrecker who ruined our relationship but why does it feels like she’s suffering too much?Ni hindi man lang siya tinapunan ng kahit anong tugon ni Matthew bagkus ay nagpatuloy lang ito sa paglalakad. Pagod na tumingin sakin si Sabrina ngunit ngumiti siya kalaunan at hinayaan akong umalis at sundan ang kanyang minamahal.After I
KISMET Kabanata 49
“ Wuhoo! Power shot!” Magkasabay naming nilagok ni Rameses ang hawak naming whiskey matapos naming magkita para ngayong gabi. The brute really did resign from work at hindi din ako pinapansin ni Stefan. The atmosphere is so gloomy to the point that I didn’t even know what is happening to our life right now. Kanina lang ay naabutan ko nanaman siya, with the girl that I caught the last time…I think they are doing some nasty things in the office. Hindi naman ganoon si Stefan, before, he can still be decent pero ngayon mukhang lantaran na. “ I’m jealous.” “ Huh?” agad kong tanong kay Rameses ng higitin niya ako pasandal sa kanyang matigas na dibdib. We are in the corner of this bar, leaning into the glass railings habang nakatingin sa mga sumasayaw sa ibaba. I insisted to be here dahil hindi ko na masikmura ang nakakasulasok na amoy ng alak at sigarilyo sa baba. Palibhasa’y mukhang disente ang pangalawang palapag kaya’t napapayag ako ni Ram
KISMET Kabanata 48
Sobrang lakas ng tawa ko ng mabilis akong kiniliti ni Rameses habang nakatingin sa harap ng salamin. Hindi muna kami umuwi at nagdesisyong huwag munang pumasok sa trabaho para masulit namin ang pagpunta dito sa Baguio.“ Sure ka ba na magreresign ka?” Nag-aalala kong tanong kay Rameses habang nag-eemail ito ng letter niya kay Stefan. Buong magdamag niya ata akong kinulit para dito pero hindi ko padin maisip kung bakit kailangan niyang gawin iyon. Technically, isa padin ako sa mga may-ari ng kumpanya kaya pwede akong hindi pumasok kahit kailan ko gusto. Nag-iwan naman ako ng mensahe kay Stefan pero alam kong hindi niya ako sasagutin dahil sa huling pag-uusap namin.Seryoso lang si Rameses na bumalik sa kanyang laptop. Noong una ko siyang nakita, hindi ko naisip na balak niyang mag-abogado. All I know is that he’s a medical student before until he decided to shift into the legal career. Mukha naman siyang masaya sa ginagawa niya pero minsan napapaisip a
KISMET Kabanata 47
“ Still cold, babe?”Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang pula na nang mukha ko dahil sa mga ginagawa ni Rameses. He found me bawling my eyes in the office after I heard what Stefan said. Umiling ako dito at tumingin nalang sa magandang tanawin ng night lights dito sa Baguio City. No matter how beautiful the view is, all I can think about is Stefan. Pagod akong napabuntong-hininga bago ko naramdaman na mas hinapit ako ni Rameses sa kanyang katawan.He’s hugging me from behind. And I don’t know where this feeling started pero sobrang komportable ko sa kanya. It feels like, I am home.Gamit ang isang libreng kamay ay marahan niyang hinaplos ang hibla ng aking mga buhok. “ I thought this would make you happy.”“ Hmmm… I’m happy, thank you, Rameses.” Pinilit kong pasayahin ang boses ko para hindi siya masaktan. Alam kong he’s doing all of his efforts pero magulo lang kasi ang buhay ko. Bumuntong-hininga s
KISMET Kabanata 46
“Delivery?!”Napairap ako ng makita ang nakangising mukha ni Engr. Corpuz. May hawak pa itong milktea sa kanyang kamay habang masayang inaabot ‘to sakin. On this gloomy office, siya lang mag-isa ang may ganang ngumiti ngayong araw. We are all busy doing our works, no one is coming outside of our office at ramdam ng mga empleyado iyon, lalo na dahil parehas na mainit ang ulo ni Stefan at Rameses.“ I told you, mali itong drinaft mo!”Huminga ako ng malalim at kinuha ang papel bago ito marahas na nilukot. That was Rameses, scolding his assistant. Pang-ilang sigaw na ba iyong narinig ko ngayong araw? Mukhang nagpapalitan lang sila ni Stefan. Hindi ko na mabilang sa daliri ko kung ilang empleyado na ang nakita kong umiiyak dahil sa mga ugali nila.“ Tsk….ganda mo kasi, Architect.” Mabilis na umilag si Engr. Corpuz matapos kong ibato sa kanya ang blueprint na hawak ko. Kanina pa ako n
KISMET Kabanata 45
The sound of my heels echoes along the empty hallway of our office. Mukhang napaaga ata ako dahil kahit isang tao ay wala akong nakikita. I looked at my wristwatch and notice na medyo napaaga nga ang oras ng dating ko. Stefan and I needed a brief meeting about some of the building plan na na-bid namin. But I guess he wasn’t here yet. Nangilabot ako ng makarinig ako ng malakas na boses na parang nahihirapan kasabay ng ilang kalampag ng mga bagay. Huminto muna ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa nagdesisyon ako na sundan ang pinagmumulan ng ingay. I was curious and frozen in my place when I noticed where it was coming from. Nakatayo ako sa harap ng opisina ni Stefan, nakasarado ang mga blinds ng kanyang bintana but the wooden door wasn’t locked.Pinihit ko iyon at nagulantang sa nakita. “ What the hell?!” I shouted when I saw Stefan, sitting in his office chair, nakapikit at sarap na sarap habang may babae sa paanan nito. Parehas kaming nagulat sa presensya ng
