Chapter Sixty

The way the truth co-exists was such a weird way. Just because you don’t agree with it doesn't make it any less of the truth and that was the case scenario in my case. I didn’t know how long I stayed in Jonathan's arms that day. How long he held me because he didn’t have an answer to my question, and because even I didn’t know if I was ever going to leave. It was an unforgettable ache in my heart and there was nothing I could do about it.

Juniper sighed softly as he rubbed my arm, "You look terrible Ami” he said softly and I chuckled.

“You can't blame me” I replied and he nodded his head rubbing my back.

“Nobody is blaming you. I don’t dare” he replied and I turned to him with a small chuckle.

“I’m tired Juniper, really tired” I replied and Juniper’s eyes softened.

“I don’t know what to say Ami, I’m as tired as you but I have to be less tired than you so that I can be strong for you” he replied and I chuckled.

When I realized that Jonathan couldn’t answer my question that day, I had allowed myself to savor the comfort of his arms and after a while I had just gotten up and gone to sleep. My sleep was a plain one without any nightmares or dreams. I had just slept and woken up.

My interaction with Jonathan from then was what anyone would call lukewarm. I stopped avoiding him because there was no point in doing that anymore. I just cleaned, greeted him and avoided any conversation with and whether he understood that, I couldn’t conclude because he also didn’t try hard to speak to me. I always cleaned in silence, bowing my head in greetings before I left the room. I needed no one to tell me that my heart was tired and so myself.

It took me a few more days to see Juniper and tell him everything that had happened. He had been both shocked and surprised as I filled him on and contrary to what I thought, i didn’t burst into tears while I told him, I didn’t blush or swoon when I told him that I and Jonathan had engaged in a kiss that no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t leave my head and Juniper had pulled me into his arms, comforting me.

The store room in the kitchen had slowly become our hideout to talk and hangout with each other. The kitchen was almost empty and everyone was back to their rooms but I and Juniper were still there, staring at each other.

“He’s the king, he has a lot of problems” Juniper said softly, “But that shouldn’t be at your expense” he added with a small frown and i chuckled.

“The man I’m supposed to marry, is supposed to be the next king of Zadok kingdom” I said softly, “I have my own burdens too” I replied and Juniper nodded.

“I know that clearly too” he muttered and I closed my eyes again.

Everything was getting really blurry and really fast for me and I was finding it hard to make the right decisions. Emotions were really a fickle thing and I was honestly getting tired and really tired at how everything was turning out. It was hard to do anything and not think of Jonathan or home. 

Home.

The thought made me feel weird.

It had been a long time since I admitted missing home. I hadn’t thought of home in a long time. I immediately burst into laughter and Juniper wrinkled his brows at me wondering what was wrong.

“Why are you laughing like that?” Juniper asked and I wore a sad smile.

“I’m such a hypocrite you know” I replied and Juniper sighed, his hand still at my back.

‘Don’t be cruel to yourself” he reminded me gently and I shook my head.

“I keep claiming that I need to do something for my people, I’m here because of them and I keep using my people as a reason for whatever and whenever I want to do something. It’s my go to defense and excuse” I started slowly as I smiled sadly.

“But ask me Juniper, when was the last time that I did honestly think of them” I said and Juniper pursed his lips. I watched as his Adam apple bobbed up and down and he opened his mouth to ask.

“When was the last time you think of your people, Ami?” 

“I don’t know” I replied, “Not until this moment. I don’t know” I continued as tears rushed to my tears.

“You can imagine how hypocritical I am right now. What kind of person am I really?” I asked, shaking my head.

“This is why Triss will always be better than me” I whispered and Juniper frowned.

“You're not seriously comparing yourself to your younger sister right now, are you?” Juniper asked shaking his head.

“I promise you, I doubt if your sister would be any better than you are right now. She wouldn’t have done any better than you” Juniper said firmly and I met his eyes.

“You are strong Ami, strong and brave and you are just a girl” Juniper comforted and I chuckled.

"No, you don’t know what’s going on,” I told him, “You have no idea what my sister is capable of,” I added.

“In the first place, she wouldn’t have found it in getting Prince Karl to marry her” I told him firmly.

“Ami” Juniper whispered and I smiled.

‘And if somehow she does, best believe that your people wouldn’t have caught her. If you think I’m strong, then meet my younger sister first. You’ll know what strong is” I said with a chuckle.

As much as I hated to admit it. Triss was ten times stronger than me even as an Omega. She was faster and better and sharper and she knew how to make the right decisions. I knew that if she was me, there was no way she would have fallen in love with Jonathan, there was no way she would still even be here, she would have escaped a long time ago and I was sure of that. I knew that it wouldn’t matter to her if she had to lose an arm or a leg when escaping, she was going to escape anyways and that was the most important thing to her but here I was with totally different worries.

“Your sister is that amazing?” Juniper asked and I chuckled.

I hated talking about Triss. I hated how everyone compared us together. I hated how I felt small compared to him even though I was the first daughter and I was supposed to lead by example. I never spoke about Triss to anyone, not to Juniper, not to anyone. It was the first time I was mentioning or talking about Triss to Juniper. I had just briefly mentioned her before.

“She is amazing. Really amazing” I replied slowly pursing my lips, “Way better than I am” I added softly.

“Whatever” Juniper said and I turned to him furrowing my brows, “Huh?” I asked and Juniper shrugged.

“I mean, good for your sister. She’s amazing, she’s good, she’s whatever isn’t exactly my business. She’s not you and you are not her, you will never be the same. She might be better than you but I am sure that there are parts of you that will surely be better than her” he said and a smile broke on my lips.

“Look at you, defending me so dauntlessly” I replied and Juniper furrowed his brows, a small smile hanging on his lips.

“I’m not defending you, I’m just telling you what I think and why you shouldn’t think like that” He said and I nodded.

“Thank you Juni” I replied and Juniper nodded.

‘You really should stop saying thank you every single time, not getting tired?’ he teased and I laughed.

“No. It’s courtesy” I replied and Juniper laughed.

‘So what are you going to do now?” he asked and I sighed softly.

It was the same question I had been asking myself over and over again.  What is next? What do I do next? Do i abandon my feelings for Jonathan? What choices do I have? Was I comfortable with the fact that he was using me? What did Jonathan think of me? What exactly was I doing. What am I supposed to do now? 

I had no answers to my questions. Not even to one of the questions.

“I have no idea Juniper” I replied slowly, “I have no idea what I’m going to do” I said and Juniper rubbed my back again.

“Take your time Ami although I am forced to tell you to take some time for yourself. You are a princess and you do have responsibilities but I promise you that any decision that you will make, please choose yourself. Not the king, not anyone. You matter the most, don’t go and make a decision that you would regret” He suggested and I swallowed, nodding my head.

‘Right. A decision I would regret” I muttered.

“Yes Ami. You should avoid that” Juniper echoed.