Chapter 1

I grew up believing that you can achieve something out of your will.

When you let your passion and love as a driving force to get whatever you want, you could have it. 

That's why I always did my best. I wanted to excel and show to everyone that I have something to be proud of.

But as time passes by, these beliefs have turned into disbelief.

Things would not be always on your side no matter how you eagerly and desperately want them. Things woulf not be always meant for you no matter how desperate you would be.

Maganda ka.

Hindi ka dapat tinatapon ng kahit sino ng basta-basta.

I stared at my own reflection. Tangina! Ang ganda ko! Tapos, walang hiya iyong Brent na 'yon para paasahin ako at pagmukhain akong tanga.

My God! I was dumped!

Years have passed yet the same feeling I felt before was the same pain I still feel now. The torment inside my chest has never left me since that day when I professed my feeling in front of the crowd.

Grabe lang 'yong ispiritu na dumapo sa akin no'n. Kaya ko lang siguro nagawa iyon ay dahil wala akong ibang naisip kung hindi ang mapansin niya ako. Desperado na ako e. Pero wala!

I kept telling myself that it's okay, that I could meet people who would stay in my life. People who would like to be with you would choose always choose you without inhibitions. That's only if they really did love you.

But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that he's not someone I could keep, I would just ended up thinking him everytime when his face just ran across my mind. 

How could he have left a huge space in my heart? 

He hadn't even reciprocated the love I felt for him. 

It sucks when the love you've been aching for won't be given back to you the way you want it to. 

Highschool ako nang mag-confess ako sa kanya. Second year to be exact. I was really smitten by his charms. When I saw him at the gym playing basketball, I knew it that time that I already loved him.

It grew stronger each day when I learned that he was his my older brother's bestfriend.

This may sound crazy, kahit baliw naman talaga ako but the moment I laid my eyes upon him, I knew it that time that he's the one. Siya na talaga!

He's two years older than me but that didn't stop me from chasing him. I was too determined to win his heart that I could break every wall that might hinder me.

Ayaw niya pa nang una. Akala niya nagbibiro lang ako. Dahil bata ako! Dahil nakakabata akong kapatid ng bestfriend niya. Pero, hindi ako nagpadala roon. I wanted him to be with me.

Niligawan ko siya. I did things I never imagined I could do.

I did everything! But what he did in return? He pushed me away, he used me and he broke me.

I went to his house straight from school to give him my letter cards. I even cooked food for him. Noodles and fried egg specifically. I didn't know how to cook yet but I could learn. Lalo na kapag magpapakasal na kami! That was part of my plan before kapag sinagot niya ako.

Kaya nga, nakaka-putangina siya. Walang hiya! Hindi sana ako umaasa ng ganito kung sa umpisa pa lang sinabi niya ng wala akong pag asa. Ginamit niya pa ako!

"I have a girlfriend, Yna. I'm sorry it's a NO. Leave me!"

I never imagined words could be that poweful to break someone's heart. Ang sakit lalo na kapag naalala ko 'yon.

But the love I have for him prevails until now more than the pain he have caused me.

Wala na akong balita sa kanya matapos no'n. I transfered to another school until I graduated in high school. Kung nasaan mang lupalop siya, wala na akong pakialam!

But who was I kidding? I-deny mo pa,  Yna. 

I heaved a great sigh. Inayos ko muna ang buhok ko bago lumabas. I smiled. Today's my first day being a college girl.

I took UPCAT and gladly I passed it. My older brother wanted me to become an Architect. Pumayag na lang din ako. I actually have not yet chosen what profession would I take.

My mind was still clouded with so many thoughts that it's making me too hard to think carefully.

Nakita ko naman si kuya na masama ang titig sa akin. I arched my brow.

"I didn't do anything," bungad ko sa kanya.

"Yna-" he said in a serious tone. He looked like on the verge of killing me.

I cut him off. "Kuya! That's her fault!"

"Yna, hindi ka na bata para umastang ganyan!"

"Whatever!" I rolled my eyes and then passed him by.

I got really pissed off yesterday when I saw a couple cuddling at a fast food chain. They were in a public place. I get it that they want to display their affection. Pero, tangina! Bitter ako e!

Kaya nang tumayo 'yong babae papuntang cashier pinatid ko. Galit na galit kaya sinugod ako. Pero ako pa hinamon niya. We ended up fighting each other.

They should've never mess with me! Yes, masama talaga ugali ko. Wala naman akong pake!

Kuya wanted me to completely got over with Brent.

I knew where he was coming from. Nang malaman niya ngang nanligaw ako, galit na galit nga siya sa akin. Hindi niya nga ako pinansin ng ilang buwan no'n. Ilang beses pa akong nagpumilit kay kuya, lumuhod na ako lahat lahat para tanggapin niya ang desisyon ko pero ayaw niya talaga e.

Alam niya kasing playboy din si Brent. Pero, anong magagawa ko no'n? Mahal ko siya eh.

No one's gonna stop me from stealing his heart. Pero, tangina! Umiinit ang ulo ko 'pag naalala ko 'yong pinaasa niya ako! H*******k siya! Madapa sana siya kung nasaan siya ngayon.

Gago siya!

Kinausap na lang ako ni kuya nang umalis na ako sa dating school ko. Simula no'n naging maayos naman kahit papaano ang relasyon namin ni kuya. I told him that I was now over with Brent. I was done with him.

Ang hirap ng maghabol lalo na kung alam mong sa umpisa pa lang hindi mo na makukuha ang inaasam mo.

Hindi pa nga nag-uumpisa ang laban namin, tapos na agad. Tinapos niya na.

Hindi pa ako nakakalabas ng gate namin nang may nakita akong pamilyar na bulto. I widened my eyes when recognition hit my eyes.

Ang kanyang buhok na sumasabay sa ihip ng hangin ay hindi nakatakas sa aking mga mata. Naka v-neck gray shirt lang ito at maong shorts na sinamahan ng sneakers. Tangina! Ang gwapo talaga!

My knees trembled. It was difficult to me to breathe and walk properly!

How on earth did he—

Ohmygosh! Hindi niya naman ako pupuntahan no? Nagsisisi ba siya? Hindi ko alam kung paano siya haharapin.

I needed to keep my compossure and act as if nothing happened. Yes, Yna you need to slap him in the face that he's not worth of your tears.

You're too beautiful to be resisted. Too good to be ignored. Too great to be dumped.

Bahala siya diyan! Ako lang naman ang sinayang niya.

Nag-umpisa na akong maglakad at hinawakan ng mahigpit ang aking bag. Kinakabahan pa rin ako habang mabibigat ang aking mga yabag.

I needed an air to breathe!

While passing by him, he grabbed my arm. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko, what the hell was wrong with him?

After how many years, I still didn't know how to properly face him. Would I act as if nothing happened too just as what his emotions were showing? Like he didn't yell at me at all. Like he didn't tell me to leave him alone. 

It still hurts.

When I turned around to look at him, bakit ang gwapo niya pa rin? Why couldn't there be no time where I was mesmerized by his appearance?

"Aren't you going to greet me?" he asked with a smile plastered on his face.  That smile has shown me so much weakness.

I blinked. Twice.

What the?! How dare he talked as cool as that?

"Wait..." I muttered. "Bakit ang cool mo ha, Brent? Feeling mo kinagwapo mo 'yan?"

He flashed a smile. Bakit ang gwapo niya lalo na kapag ngumingiti siya?

"Gwapo ako eh." Nakangisi pa ang gago. This was why I fell for him. His smile that could capture one's soul. 

My forehead creased. "May sakit ka ba?"

"Bro! Nandyan ka na pala, Yna akala ko nakaalis ka na." We looked at Kuya who was paving his way towards us.

"Aalis na po." I waved at kuya and walked away.

Sapo ko ang d****b ko habang papalayo. What the hell was that? I never had a conversation with Brent since that day. Kaya nakakapagtaka kung bakit niya ako kinausap na parang walang nangyari.

Sabagay, hindi naman siya naapektuhan. Kahit nga iyong pagiyak ko no'n wala man lang sa kanya. Gano'n siguro, ayaw niya talaga. Wala rin siyang pakialam sa akin. Pero sana naman nagsabi siya sa akin na wala na akong pag-asa hindi iyong nalunod na ako sa kanya wala pala siyang balak na sagipin ako. 

My eyes were glued outside the window. It's nice to see people who are happily doing something they want to unlike me who's still on the process of figuring out what's beneath life.

Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang gusto kong maging.

Paano kaya naiisip ng iba 'yung gusto nilang gawin sa future? They seemed so sure of what they wanted to do, what they wished to be, what their passions are and what they wanted to achieve. I envy them. Unlike me who was still unsure of what to do. 

My teacher asked me before of what profession would I take, I told them I wanted to be a mother but my classmates laughed at me. I just wanted to be a house wife, to take care of my hyusband and kids in the future. Was that something to make fun of? 

As I grew up, that was still my dream. Ang sabi ng karamihan, matalino raw ako. Madami akong puwedeng gawin pero hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam. 

I let out a deep sigh. Kanina ipinakilala namin ang sarili namin. Naasar pa nga ako no'ng una. Akala ko high school lang iyon na magpapakilala sa harap ng iba. Never thought college would be the same like that too.

I glanced at my watch. Bakit ang bagal ng oras?

Buong klase sa labas lang ako nakatingin. Hindi ko nga nainitindihan iyong pinaguusapan. May mga iilan na tumatawa. Kaya, pinili ko na lang 'wag makinig at tinuon muli ang atensyon sa labas.

Pang ilang buntong hininga ko na ba ngayon. Thank God, the professor dismissed.

Naghanap naman ako ng pwesto nang may makita akong babaeng mag isang kumakain. Umupo ako sa harap niya.

"Hi." I greeted. She smiled. "I'm Yna. You are?" Inangat niya ang ulo niya at binitawan ang librong binabasa nito. I needed to make friends. Puro lalaki ang mga kasama ko ever since.

"Rashiel," tipid na sabi nito at bumalik muli sa binabasa.

Ang sungit naman nito.

"Anong course mo?" tanong ko pa. Gusto ko lang maging feeling close.

"BS Bio Sci," sagot niya habang nagbabasa.

"Hala, talaga? Magkalapit lang building natin."

She closed her notebook. "Yna, pasensya ka na. Pero nakakaistorbo ka kasi, may binabasa ako nakikita mo naman."

"Ay, sorry." Nakayuko kong sabi.

"Okay lang. Pero kung gusto mo talaga ng kausap, mamaya. Review lang ako."

She looked competitive. I wonder, kung magkaka-jowa pa siya sa lagay na 'yan. She looked like a typical nerd who didn't mind the world.

I smiled. "Talaga? I hope we could be friends."

"Sure," she replied. 

Rashiel has become my friend after that. Lalo na nang iniwan ako ni Maggie, she migrated to Singapore with her Mom. Kaya, nakakatuwa lang na makakilala ng bagong kaibigan.

"May jowa ka na?" I inquired.

She nodded in response.

"Legit ba?"

"Mukha ba akong hindi mag-bo-boyfriend?

"Hindi ah. Nakakainggit nga eh. Sana all," sabi ko. "Gwapo ba?" tanong ko muli. I was really excited to know. She's beautiful; her boyfriend's definitely handsome too. 

"Oo naman, ayun siya ." Napatingin naman ako sa tinuro niya. Tangina! Ang gwapo! Peste! Bakit gano'n? Sana all masaya sa love-life hindi 'yung katulad kong na-basted.

"Bye, Yna. See you tomorrow," aniya.

"Okay." I waved at her. Umangkla siya sa braso ng jowa niya saka tuluyang umalis papalayo.

Hays! Buti pa siya maayos ang lovelife samantalang ako. The hell with my comparison!

I'm pretty. I'm sure I can find someone who would love me even with my flaws and imperfections.

You're worth to be kept. You're worth it than any precious gems and jewelries. I reminded myself. 

Nakatayo habang naghihintay ng jeep. Doon kasi sa sakayan, punuan na. Hindi naman ako masundo ni Kuya lalo na galit 'yon sa nagawa ko ro'n sa babae no'ng isang araw.

I took a deep breath. Kanina pa ako naghihintay ng jeep. Bakit walang dumadaan?

Napapadyak na ako dahil sa tindi ng inis. Halos humaba na nga ang leeg ko kakahintay sa jeep.

Nakarinig naman ako ng malakas na pagbusina ng kotse sa harapan ko.

I made a face. Dito pa talaga pumarada kung saan ako naghihintay.

Mga Pilipino nga naman oh!

"Ano ba yan?!" singhal ko.

Dahan dahan naman bumaba ang bintana ng kotse at dumungaw doon ang driver.

OMG! Is this serious? As in! Talagang talaga?

"Sakay na," seryosong sabi nito habang nakatingin sa aking mukha.

Wait! Timepers! Was he real? Was he asking me to ride with him?

"Ha?"

"Come on, Yna. Sumakay ka na. Puputi na lang buhok mo, hindi ka pa makakasakay."

"Ha?"

"Sa pagkakaalam ko hindi ka bingi. You'll get in the car or you'll wait here forever? Choose."

What the hell was wrong with him?

He's weird. There's something wrong with him.

Nakatingin lang ito sa akin na binabantayan ang kilos kaya wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang sumakay at umupo sa tabi nito.

On our way, nobody spoke. Tingin niya ba ako ang unang magsasalita. Nakatingin lang ako sa labas habang nakasandal sa headrest. Minsan ay sinisilip ko ang phone ko para ma-distract lang. Why did I end up here?

Ano kayang nakain nito? Kanina lang nasa bahay siya tapos susunduin niya ako. Gosh! Ano ba kasing meron?

I let out a deep sigh.

Hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay nang walang imikan. Bumaba naman ako at sumunod siya.

"Uhmm... Thanks." I turned around and walked. I stopped when I heard him calling my name.

"Yna..." malalim at baritono na boses nito. Tangina! Why do I cripple when I hear him saying my name?

Napasapo ako sa d****b. Ayan ka na naman, dahil diyan sa Brent na 'yan abnormal ka na namang puso ka.

Haven't you forgotten what he did to you years ago?

I faced him with my eyes flaring. "Brent, hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto mong iparating pero kung ano man 'yon 'wag mo ng ituloy. Mas lalo mo lang akong pinapaasa."

"Yna, I just want—" I cut him off.

"I don't care, Brent!"

I breathed heavily, gatheringI all my strength until I was able to finally say what I wanted to years ago.

"Sorry, I'm done with you. You're not worth the keep." I walked away.