I stood still. Nakaawang pa rin ang aking bibig matapos niyang sabihin iyon. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Tatakbo ba ako o aalis? Yayakapin ko ba siya kasi nagseselos siya o hindi?
My mind was always in chaos when he's around.
What he said still blew my mind. Nagpakawala naman ako ng isang malalim na hininga. I couldn't find the right words to say.
"B-Brent..."
"Sobra ka naman ata, Yna. Lagi mo akong tinataboy okay lang sa 'kin. I know it's my fault to begin with, pero 'wag naman ito." I bit my lower lip.
"W-What do you mean?"
"Don't hang out with that man." may pagbabantang tinig nito.
"Asher is my friend," sabi ko.
"I don't care, Yna! Will you please stay away with him? Magagalit ako Yna. Magagalit ako. You don't know what I'm capable of." My jaw dropped with what he said. He sound so possessive.
"Teka nga, Brent. Hindi pa tayo kung umasta akala mo boyfriend kita!"
"Iyon na nga, I told you we could be together. Bakit ang hirap mong tanggapin 'yun? I told you I didn't mean what I did before."
"Do you think that would be easy, Brent? Hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin,"
"Then let me help you heal it. I was the one who inflicted your pain, I should be the one to also help you remove the pain."
"Brent kasi... Could you give me more time to think?"
"Okay. I understood. I'll wait. I'll patiently wait..." He walked away. I took a deep breath.
Bakit gano'n na lang sa kanya kadali ang lahat? Ang hirap kalimutan ng ginawa niya. It's hard to live with the guidance of the past especially when it haunts you most of the time. The pain, inhibitions and anxieties are still too difficult to handle.
Binagsak ko ang sarili ko sa couch pagkarating ko sa bahay. "Kuya." I called him when I saw him coming out from his room.
"Okay ka na?"
"Yeah," he replied. He was really drunk yesterday. I wonder what happened.
"Kuya, si ate Jenny?" Nakita ko ang pagbago ng timpla ng mukha nito.
"I don't know. And will you please not talk about her anymore?" he said heading back again to his room. What was that? I've never seen kuya so pissed off like that. Kahit pasaway ako, hindi naman ganyan kalala. Ano ba kasing nangyari?
The next few days were really hectic. Ang hirap mag-subsob sa pag aaral. The good thing about having a friend like Rashiel is that you won't be worried if your grades might flunk because she's always there to help you whenever you need her especially in academics.
Kuya was still not in a good mood. Hindi ko talaga alam kung anong mayroon bakit biglang naging ganoon si Kuya. Si ate Jenny, hindi ko rin macontact ngayon.
Brent has never talked to me since then. He's really trying so hard to keep his distance to me which was really good on my part kasi 'pag nandyan siya, mas lalong hindi ko kaya.
Ilang beses kong pinagsusuntok 'yung punching bag. Buti na lang, I have something I can do to vent out my frustrations or to kill the time especially when I'm not in the mood.
"I bet something happened."
"Yeah," I replied not looking and still focused on punching and kicking the punching bag with every strength I muster.
"You know you can talk to me, it's good to have someone you can talk to," I stopped for a moment and looked at Kuya Gino who's also busy doing push ups and sit ups.
Hinubad ko ang sparring gloves ko at umupo malapit sa boxing ring.
"Kasi, I'm really frustrated these past few days. Kuya's not talking to me and I'm pretty sure something bad happened and you know there's this guy..." I trailed off. Hindi ko alam kung pwedeng ikuwento 'to sa kanya. Hanggang ngayon nakakahiya pa ring ikwento na ako nanligaw.
Yes, that's an act of bravery professing your feeling but still there's a pang of sadness that's engulfing me whenever I think of the result of I've done.
Every decision bears a consequence, may it good ot bad, you just have to accept what you did.
In my case, I accepted but that's too much to bear. Ang hirap pa rin.
"Basta... nahihiya ako Kuya e."Naningkit ang mata nito nang bumangon pagkatapos magpush up.
"Is the guy you're talking about, the one who came here days ago?" he asked.
My forehead creased. "H-how did you know?"
"Just so you know, obvious 'yung lalaki. The way he steals glances, alam kong may iba na. 'Pag ang lalaki gano'n tumingin, may gusto sa'yo 'yun."
Hindi ko alam kung ngingiti ako o maiinis. Basta, ewan! Ang gulo ko. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin kay Kuya Gino. Magulo pa kasi o ako lang talaga ang magulo.
"Follow your heart, Yna. Choose whatever makes you happy," he said tapping my shoulder. I sighed. Sana nga. I could follow my heart. I could stand for something that makes me happy but that's just too difficult.
Dumiretso na lang ako sa mall, birthday din kasi ni Rashiel bukas. I roamed around the mall. Pumili lang ako ng simpleng regalo. I know she'll be happy with this. Pagkatapos ko magbayad sa cashier, naglakad ako papunta sa isang fast food chain.
But then I stopped in awe as soon as I saw two people talking with each other. Naglipat ang tingin ko sa kanilang dalawa.
Wait. Totoo ba ang nakikita ko?
"Yna—"I immediately took the distance and looked at these two people in front of me with their hands locked at each other.
"He's Chase, b-boyfriend ko." Pakilala niya. Nalaglag ang panga ko at bumagsak ang balikat ko.
Paano na si kuya?
"Hi," bati nito. I awkwardly smiled. Nilahad nito ang kanyang kamay at tinanggap ko 'yun.
"I'm Yna." Pakilala ko. Nakita ko ang pagkailang ni ate Jenny.
"Dito na kami, Yna." Paalam ni Ate Jenny. Sinundan ko lang sila ng tingin habang papalayo sila.
Could that be the reason why kuya is not in the good shape? Hays. Ang hirap. Why love can't be easy? Alam ko mahal ni Ate Jenny si kuya tapos ngayon may bago na pala.
"Ba't nakabusangot 'yang mukha mo?" I turned to look at the person who spoke.
"Wala ako sa mood, Asher tantanan mo ako." Panigurado kasing hindi ako titigilan no'n. Napakatribida pa naman nyan.
"Ito naman nagtatanong lang, kaya ka hindi mag-kajowa."I glared at Asher.
"Tangina mo!" He laughed.
"Mukha ka pang dragon, Yna. Relax. Chill lang muna kasi," aniya. Hindi talaga 'to titigil mang alaska.
"Ewan ko sayo!" I walked away. I could even hear his laughs emanating the hallway.
Sa kakamadali ko nakabunggo na naman ako. Bakit ba lagi akong nakakabunggo? His chest was too strong. Muntik na akong mapatumba pero nagulat ako nang maramdaman ko ang yakap sa bewang ko.
"Careful," aniya. Tumayo ako nang maayos at tinanggal ang kamay niya na nakapalibot sa bewang ko.
"S-sorry..."
"Okay," he said, staring at me blankly then walked away from me. Tumalikod na lang ako at bumalik sa classroom ko.
I miss him so mad! Siya pa rin ang kayang gumulo sa sistema ko. Alam ko sa sarili kong mahal ko pa rin siya at sigurado pa rin ako hanggang ngayon.
It's always him who can wrap me around his fingers. The one who can bring storm and calm waves.
"Portillo."
"Portillo."
"Po?" My mind is still wandering around that I can't focus on the discussion.
Umayos ako ng upo at nakita ang propesor naming nanlilisik ang mata.
"Sorry po," yumuko ako. Hindi ko kasi nasagot 'yung tanong niya. Umuwi akong lutang. Ang hirap naman kasi kapag ganito na lagi siya ang iniisip ko. There was never a time where I could think of is him. What is he doing? Does he eat well? Is he sleeping properly? Baka naman nagpapalipas siya kasi subsob pa naman 'yun kapag pratice nila.
Argggh! I didn't know what to do. I took a quick bath and tried to drift myself in sleeping. Bigla kong naalala si Mama, kamusta na kaya siya roon?
Sabi niya pagkatapos kong grumaduate didiretso akong Canada para doon na rin magtrabaho. Hindi naman ako pumayag. I want to get a job here in the country. Although, I know the fact that getting jobs here is not easy but I still want to.
Wala si kuya kanina nang dumating ako. Hindi ko rin naman siya madalas nakakausap ngayon.
Bumagon ako at kinuha ang jacket ko sa cabinet. Lumabas naman ako at umupo malapit sa gate namin.
I gazed at the sky and somehow it lightened up my mood. The sky is really a proof that no matter how bad or worse your day is, you can still look at it and then it soothes your feeling. It may not take all the pain away. But somehow it helps you heave at peace.
I couldn't believe how God formed those magnificent little dots in the sky. I am always in awe with His creation.
Ilang saglit pa ay tumayo na ako. Pero agad akong napaatras nang makita ko ang isang pamilyar na bulto.
I gasped when he took the distance and hugged me. I was taken aback. I don't know what should I react. Agad akong kumalas sa yakap niya.
Nang makita ko siya ng malapitan, gano'n na lang ang gulat ko.
"What happened?" I asked. He didn't answer. Worry was written all over my face. I saw bruises on his face. Pati ang dugo nito sa labi ay hindi nakatakas sa mga mata ko. "Brent? Ano'ng nangyari?"
"I got into some fights," he replied like it didn't matter to him.
"Ano ka bata para makipag away?"
"Sort of."
"Baliw ka talaga. Pasok ka nga sa loob, gamutin ko 'yan." Pagkasabi ko no'n ay hindi naman nakatakas sa akin ang pagsilay ng ngiti sa labi niya. Sumunod naman siya sa loob. Umupo siya sa sofa. Dumiretso naman ako sa kusina para hanapin 'yung medicine kit. Pagkabalik ko nakita ko siyang malalim ang iniisip habang nasa ulo nito ang kanyang kamay. Bumalikwas naman siya at tiningnan ajo nang makita akong papalapit.
"What just really happened, Brent? You're not that type to get involved with some fight,"
He sighed. "Fine. 'Yung boyfriend ng kaibigan mo sinapak ako kanina."
"What?!" I gasped.
He nodded. "Yeah, nagselos yata."
Si Padua ata 'yung tinutukoy niya. Ang possessive naman niya! Whatever the reason was, he didn't need to be violent as that!
"Lapit ka nga." I instructed. He obliged and went closer. But I guess that's a wrong move. He's too close!
"A-Ano ba kasing nangyari?" Kinuha ko 'yung bulak na nilagyan ko ng alcohol at dinampi ko sa gilid ng kanyang labi.
"Hindi ko na kasi kaya."
"What do you mean?"
"I can't wait anymore, Yna," he said in a husky voice. "I've been trying to avoid you because you wanted it but... " He leaned closer until our eyes met.
"L-lumayo ka nga..." I stuttered when I felt his body pressed to me.
Umiling lamang siya. "No." Nanatili siyang nakatitig sa akin.
"Brent, I can't damn breathe!"
He drew a smirk. "That's good. That means I still have an effect on you huh."
"Baliw ka. Lumayo ka nga!"
His lips curled up in the both corners.
"I don't mind you throwing me a punch after this," he said before landing his lips on mine.
I blinked. The kiss was too fast but still what he did can't be easily forgotten in just a snap.Brent smiled widely after our lips parted.I couldn't even move. I stared at him in disbelief. I am still dumbfounded.Yes, I've been fantasizing this for how many years. But still, this felt surreal. Gusto ko siyang suntukin pero hindi ko magawa.He was my first kiss actually. Glad I saved my first kiss for him. Pero, naiinis ako!I remained still. I heard him calling my name but I ignored it."Hey," untag niya."Ha?"
I called Brent a while ago to make up to him. I really need to apologize to him. Hindi na naman ako makakatulog nito. But, he didn't respond to any of my texts and call. I sighed. Pang ilang buntong hininga ko na ba ngayon.Did he get tired of me? Alam ko namang sobrang tigas ng ulo ko. Pero, sana hindi niya ako sukuan agad.I've been staring blankly at the wall. Nakatakip ang kanang braso ko sa mata ko habang ang unan ko nama'y nakadantay sa paa ko.Bukod kay Brent, isa pa ang inaalala ko, si kuya. I sat up. Right, si kuya. Nasaan na kaya iyon? I jumped from my bed and went to kuya's room. But kuya was not around. I immediately dialled his number. Pero, walang sumasagot. I remembered kuya passed out the last time. Binalutan agad ako ng kaba.
The smile in my lips was still evident when I got home. My eyes immediately caught kuya at the sofa watching t.v."Hi kuya." He looked at me and smiled."Okay ka na?" Tanong ko habang nagtatanggal ng sapatos. Umupo ako sa tabi ni kuya pagkatapos no'n. "Kuya.""Sorry for making you worry but I'm okay Yna,""Kuya, Ano ba kasing nangyayari?"He looked at me and his face saddened. "Di ko na alam gagawin sa buhay ko Yna,""Bakit?""Fuck this life!" Gigil nitong hayag sabay sabunot sa kanyang buhok."Kuya.., ano ba kasi 'yon?""Nakabuntis ako, Yna. That was just a one night stand years ago. Hindi ko alam." Nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi ni kuya. Did I hear it right?"P-paano?""Tangina talaga, 'di ko pa mahanap kung nasaan na 'yung babae. Tapos, si Jenny pa putangina kasi. Kung kailan gusto ko na siya tsaka pa siya nagkaroon ng Chase. Ang sarap basagin ng mukha ng h*******k na 'yon!""Kuya.. Don't you think ate Jenny deserves to be happy? Hayaan mo na lang siya maging masaya. Napapagod din ka
He flashed a smile. That smile made my heart jumped in glee. I gulped when his hot breath lingered on my skin as his face rested in my neck trailing little kisses there. "I love you Yna," I blushed. Bakit ba kanina niya pa 'ko pinapakilig? Halos himatayin na ako e.We both seated in silence. Lumingon pa ako para tingnan siya. Siya nama'y nakatuon lang atensyon sa kisame."Brent..." I called and he looked at me. "Bakit hindi pwedeng sabihin kung bakit wala ka kanina? I mean, kung bakit late ka, paano ko maiintindihan?" He remained silent for a moment."Can we just savor the moment, Yna? I know you still have many uncertainties and questions in mind, pero pwede bang ibigay mo na lang sa 'kin 'to?" His eyes looked weary and tired. I wonder why. Fine! Kung ayaw niya sabihin,
A woman who's strong outside may look fragile in the inside especially when someone played her feelings.Iyong pakiramdam na pinaglaruan ka. That's what I'm feeling right now. I squeezed my chest to stop the pain. I wanted this! Pero, ang hirap .. sobra.I know my worth. I'm someone worth to be kept. Hindi ako sinasayang! Manigas si Brent, kung ayaw niya sabihin sa akin ang rason edi wag.Alam kong player siya, pero 'wag niya namang paglaruan ang feelings ko!Days after the break up left me a huge hole in my heart. Wala na siya na tatawag sa umaga para manggising, wala na siya na makikita ko bago matulog. It's so empty without his presence. I've wanted him so much.. but wanting him isn't enough. How could I trust hi
"Yna!" I heard him but I ignored him and walked towards the stairs. Tsaka ko na lang napansin, ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko. I wiped it using the back of my hand."Yna!" I stopped when he held my arm. Napaharap ako sa kanya pero nanatili akong nakayuko, avoding his glance."Yna, please..." He groaned."Bakit okay lang sa 'yo Brent na laging saktan ako?" I asked as soon as I got the courage to face him. Hindi ko na inabala 'yung itsura ko habang kaharap siya."Yna...""Do you enjoy playing with my feelings? Does it make you happy whenever you hurt me?""Yna, please... Call me whatever you want to, but never d
Since, today is the start of our vacation I am still thinking of what to do today. Tsaka, kailangan ko talaga ng pampatanggal ng stress. Buong semester pa namang sobrang hassle, isama mo pa si Brent! Naiinis pa rin ako sa kanya kagabi, pero hindi ko naman siya masisisi. I agreed with this set up. Alam ko na rin talagang, I can never be his priority since he's with 'Danica'I haven't met her though pero alam mo 'yun nandoon ang takot ko.Kami ni Brent pero hindi legal. Siya ang legal and I could easily picture out what would happen if people would know us.Ayoko rin namang magmukmok na lang sa buhay. Hindi rin naman ako makapagtambay kila Rashiel kasi wala na siya rito, ganun din kay Maggie. Bakit ba kasi parehong malalayo ang mga kaibigan ko?
"A-Anong gagawin ko?"Lumapit siya sa akin at pinisil ang braso ko. "Pwede ka bang magtago sa c.r? Ngayon lang, Yna. Promise gagawa ako ng paraan para mapahiwalay na sa kanya. Do you trust me?"Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya kaya wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang tumango na lang bilang tugon."Alright. Thank you, Yna. I love you," he said as he kissed my forehead. Pumunta naman ako sa banyo niya malapit sa kusina.Isinarado ko iyon at umupo malapit. I could hear their voice. I have not braced myself for this scenario. Mas masakit pala talaga kapag nandito na ako sa sitwasyon."Hi, babe.""Why you here?"