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Chapter Three
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2024-10-29 19:42:56Tuesday, January 18, 2022
6:45 a.m.
Today I wake up early in the morning and get ready to run. I walk out of home and start running. I’m thinking about the last day at school. It was really boring, frustrating and such a bad day. Today I’m not in the condition to go school but I have to go. Why I’m not going to school because of some shit people? I will go and I don’t care what the hell they are thinking about me. I stop and drink water as I’m feeling dehydrated.
“Hey.”
A voice comes behind me. The voice is of a man or a guy. I can’t differentiate as the voice is deep. I turn back to see who’s calling me. I see a guy standing and looking into my eyes and smiling. I look him and notice his personality.
He is tall, handsome and looks perfect.
His smile is attractive and infectious.
The dimples on his cheeks when he smiles.
His veins by which he gives hot flash.
His tousled dark hair which are lying on his eyes.
His brown killing eyes.
His lips look soft and warm.
He is damn perfect guy.
He is wearing a jeans and grey T-shirt. I’m having hot flashes and have butterflies. I have seen this in movies but today it happens to me. I’m having strange feelings right now. I have come across with these kind of feelings first time. I don’t know what makes me think special about him but I know the thing is that he is damn handsome guy. I don’t know what to say. I just staring at him and he is also staring at me. I really want to reply him but I have to control myself. I’m in confusion that is this called a love at first site or this is only the attraction which usually occurs in this age? I can’t distinguish. I don’t like to talk anybody even a hot guy is trying to get my attention. However I badly want to talk to him but this isn’t good. So I just turn back and start running. I don’t want to run. I really want to stand there instead. I need to talk to him but I also don’t want as I get irritated with talking, and I just don’t want to get irritated at least with him.
“Hey”.
I freeze. His voice collides with my ears. I can’t believe, he is just behind me. He is following me. But why? I turn around slowly. I face him. He is rubbing back of his neck with his hand. He fixes his eyes on me. I again have butterflies and odd feelings. I can’t off my eyes while looking at him. I’m too much attracted toward him.
“I’m Masson”, he says extending his hand out to me. I look down at his hand. I really want to shake but I don’t shake it because it’s too strange.
“What do you want?” I look back to his face. He laughs and his dimples reappears and now I’m having fear. Why the hell is he laughing? I don’t know but it’s freaking me out. He sighs and lock his eyes with me again.
“I know you.”
When he says, I become disappointed because it’s lame compliment that guys use to impress girls but I’m not going to impress with this line. I just turn around and start running without looking back. I enter in home and getting ready for school. I go to school in my car. As I enter the class, the students laugh at me and passing compliments in which I’m not interested so I sit on chair. Angel comes and shake hand with me. She again starts talking about her daily routine. She is too much talkative. As yesterday I’m not paying attention towards her. I’m waiting for teacher so that at least she could stop talking. I see a guy enter in class. My heartbeat increases when I see Masson enter in class. I freeze. What the hell is he doing here? He look at me instead he starts staring at me, smiling and his dimples appears. I want to hide but he already has seen me. I can’t believe, if he is real or it’s my imagination or anything else. I blink my eyes, trying to believe the situation. I start shivering. My hands, my feet instead my whole body starts shivering.
“Hey what happen to you?”
Angel asks. I look at her. I want to say something but I can’t speak. I’m unable to speak a single word. I glance back to Masson and then look at Angel. She also glance Masson.
“I know you’re having butterflies and all that”, she says while laughing. I give her hard looks. She stops laughing now.
“Believe me, I’m not insulting you, this also happens to me”, she says while staring at him. I look back to her. She is out of her control, staring and passing smile at him.
“Who is he?” I talk to her for the first time. She broaden her eyes and look at me.
“Oh my God, I can’t believe, you just speak out”, she says in an excitement. I smile at her.
“Finally you talk to me, oh wow”, she is still excited. I can’t believe that someone could be really happy by my talk.
“Oh by the way, he is our class fellow you don’t see him yesterday?”,
“No”, I say. I didn’t see him yesterday maybe because I was nervous about my introduction and didn’t notice anyone. I usually don’t notice anyone. But how the hell I didn’t notice such a handsome guy. The only thing which makes me feel disgust is his pickup line which he used in morning. I’m thinking all about him but maybe he just said it because he had seen me in class yesterday. I don’t know. What the hell is going on with me. He has been staring at me whole class. I feel awkward and I also having good vibes from him, I don’t know what the hell is going on. I sigh when the class is over.
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I come out of class when I’m done with one class. I want to breath and be away from that guy. I still can’t understand why he is staring me all time. It’s strange.“I told you that I know you”, the voice comes behind me. I look around and see Masson is standing behind me. I become an angry.“There is a difference in knowing and seeing, you just have seen me, you know nothing about me”, I say in an anger.“We could know each other, if you want”, he say while smiling. I feel like if I stay for one more minute, I will kill him or myself. I run from there. I run as much as I can. I run to parking area, start my car and started driving. I drive really fast. I leave all my classes. Because if I stay there I will be more irritated. I enter home and walk to kitchen, drink water as my throat is too dry. I then go to my bedroom and lay down on bed. I sleep whole day.Wednesday, January 19,2022 1:51 a.m. I wake up. I still feel restless. I see my phone. There are ten calls from Ange
Fear of Loss Chapter Five
Wednesday, January 19, 2022 2:40 a.m. I’m still standing near my home where he left me and looking at a side where he left. I regret on my rudeness for the first time. I never felt regret on my rudeness before. I enter in my home still thinking about him. How stupid I am. How could I do that. He has saved me and I insulted him. How could I do that to a handsome good looking guy, who cares me and save me. I’m so silly girl. I don’t know how to behave with people or with handsome guy. I’m so arrogant. I enter in my room and lay down on bed. I don’t know how will I face him tomorrow in school. I think I should take a leave from school tomorrow. But no, I already have missed yesterday’s classes. I can’t take a leave. I’m so punctual type girl and I also want to see him tomorrow. I think I should apologize him for my behavior. I don’t know why I’m too attracted towards him. He is too handsome guy I ever have seen in my life and he gives me seductive feelings. I never felt se
Fear of Loss Chapter Six
Angel comes there and meet me. I’m too happy today. I don’t know this is right or not but this feelings. I like these feelings, instead I love these feelings. These feelings let me fly. I want to feel these feelings. I don’t want to let them go. I never have these kind of feelings in my whole life. “Why are you blushing Emma?” She asks in curiosity. I look at her and say nothing for a while. She is still looking at me, waiting for my response. So I shake my hand and say nothing. I don’t want to share these feelings with Angel or anyone else. I usually don’t share any thing, any feeling to anyone. And I think it’s my good habit. We move toward class to get our class. I see Masson sitting on his seat. As I enter in class, he look at me and there is something different in his eyes which I never have seen in his eyes. His eyes are clean and he is also feeling the same feelings which I feel. I think. I go back to my seat and sit. He turn around and staring at me. He stares at me whole
Fear of Loss Chapter Seven
Wednesday, January 19,2022 5:16 p.m.I’m still unable to understand that what is going on with me. I’m changing myself slowly and slowly. I think about him all the days and nights. I can’t figure out the feelings when I’m with him. Today I’m happy in fact I’m more happy then ever before in my life. But I’m still in confusion that is it love or it’s hormone changes. As I’m going to 18 years old in few days. Anyways I don’t know what’s this but it’s the best feelings in the world. I’m lying on my bed and still thinking about him and shying. I’m excited to talk to him. I’m staring at my phone and waiting for his call or text. I want him to be with me right now. I’m imagining him on my bed lying with me. From now onwards Wednesday is my favorite day and 19 January is my favorite date.“Oh my God”, I exhale a deep breath. What the hell am I doing? Is this me? I’m tired of thinking about him. I can’t stop thinking about him. He is fucking handsome guy. I can’t help. I wonder i
Fear of Loss Chapter Eight
“Lets go”, he is asking me to go, but I don’t know where he will take me. I think for a while. “Come out, we are going to restaurant in my car.” He is still waiting for my response. I climb out of car. He is stepping toward his car and I’m following him. I want to thank him for coming. I thought that he is not coming and I was very angry on him but now I’m in love with him more then before. He opens the front door of car and allow me to climb in and then turn toward the driving seat and sit inside. It’s my first time to go on date. I don’t know how to behave or what to say. I’m sitting in a silence. There is a complete silence between us for a while. “You okay?” He turn toward me for three seconds and then focus on driving. I tell him that I’m okay. I text Angel to take my car to her home. “So tell me something about yourself”, he says while looking forward. “You said earlier that you know me.” I reply. He laughs aloud and look at me. His laugh is incredible. I want to hear this
Fear of Loss Chapter Nine
We leave the restaurant as soon as we finish the coffee. Now we are sitting in car.“Where do you want to go?”He asks. I want to say him to take me there where he wants me to go. Take me with you Masson. I want to be with you all days all nights and want to spend all moments with you. But I don’t say it to him.“Drop me home.”I say. He look at me like he is disappointed with my answer. I’m also disappointed with my answer. But I want to go home because if I spend more time with him, I can’t control myself to fall for him. I really want to give him a hug and tell him that his words make me beautiful, worthy and his words impact positively on me. I want to tell him that he is too beautiful and the words fall from his mouth are the most sweetest words I ever have heard. I want to tell him about all my feelings that I feel for him. But part of me don’t want to tell him that’s why I’m asking him to drop me home.He is still staring me.“What?”I ask him. He is staring me like he is about
Fear of Loss Chapter Ten
Saturday, January 22, 2022 10:37 p.m.I’m sitting with my dad and mom, having dinner. We are having conversation as it’s Saturday and we all sit together and discuss our life with each other and it’s my dad’s idea. I really don’t like this idea. I hate this but I have to sit here.“So how’s your life going?”“Good dad.”“Good, anything new which you want to share?”I look up to my dad and think for a while. I don’t know, should I tell him or not but I think it’s not the right time as I myself can’t decide if I’m in love or not. The previous two days at school went good. We come closer to each other and we somehow know each other like I know his friends and we spend a lot of time with each other and even we sit together in class. Angel somehow feel jealous but then she allowed as she loves me. And now I’m close to Angel as well.Yeah I know it’s unbelievable.But.It is what it is.Now my life is change as previously I was rude and introvert but now I somehow have confidence
Fear of Loss Chapter Eleven
Sunday, January 23, 2022 2:29 p.m.I wake up, look at clock. I jump out of bed.“Oh God.”“Dad must be waiting for me.”How could I forget that dad always celebrates my birthday at restaurant. And dad told me that today we are going to have lunch at restaurant. I quickly get myself ready and go downstairs. I see my dad is waiting in launch. I step into launch and my dad hug me and kiss me on forehead.“Oh darling me and your mom are waiting for you.”Oh God she is also coming. Why she is coming?“Dad please stop calling her my mom.”“She isn’t my mom.”“She can’t be my mom.”“Ever.”I mumble. I look at her.“Happy birthday dear.”“Thanks Olivia”She pass a fake smile. I look at my dad and now he is looking at me disappointed. I know he doesn’t like that. He wants me to accept her as my mom. I know that he is disappointed with me because I don’t call her as mom. And I will never call her mom.“Ready to go?”My dad asks and I nod. We all getting out of home, enter in garage. My da
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We are both crying. It’s been two hours since we are crying. “Please don’t leave him. You are losing him. Please……please don’t lose him.” She says. I don’t know what to say. I’m listening her but not responding. She leaves me and quickly walk away. I’m still crying really hard. I don’t know what to do now. I have done really bad for both of us. Sky is such a good girl. I have been hating her but she loves me. She loves me the way I am. I really behave bad with her. She is true friend but my behavior with her was really rude. When she leaves my room, I get out of bed and grab the sleeping pills while crying. Wednesday, August 26, 2022 1:00 p.m. I wake up and walk toward bathroom. I take a shower and walk outside the bathroom. I move toward mirror in my room. I see myself after many days. Maybe after a month. I don’t remember. I actually don’t remember anything in my life. I’m like a dead body. I behave like dead body. I haven’t any kind of feelings left in me. I see
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Nine
Four months later:Tuesday, August 25, 2022 3: 37 p.m.I’m sitting on the couch watching television. I stop at the channel on which people are talking about Masson’s trial. People are saying that either Masson will be hanged or he will get a death sentence. A tear falls from my eyes. It’s been four months since he is in a jail. I close the television and quickly walk toward my room. I cry in my bathroom really hard. I don’t know what should I do. I’m totally confused in my life. I have passed my final year in school and now I’m in my home. I can’t decide what to do after this. I can’t focus on my life. I don’t know what should I do now. I’m really depressed. I can’t take any step in my life. I’m totally broken. I can’t do anything in my life after Masson. Everything after Masson is killing me. I can’t heal. I can’t move on, however Grayson has proposed me many times but I can’t think about him. I can’t think about anyone. I only think about Masson. Grayson is a good guy but
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Eight
We are still in the same position, looking into eyes of each other. Fate always did this to both of us. Fate once again make both us stand in front of each other. I swallow and look toward Sky. She is smiling. I feel dizzy. I don’t know what to do. I turn around and moving toward exit. Sky is calling me from behind but I don’t stop. I quickly enter in my room and run toward my room. I enter in bathroom and sit in bath tub. I sit there for a while and then cry really hard and loud. I cry there for at least two hours. I get out of tub and then sit on my bed.Tuesday, April 26, 2022 1:37 a.m.I wake up. I don’t know when I get to sleep. I hardly get up from bed. I see Masson is sitting on chair beside my bed. I ignore this as I always fantasize him in my room.“Emma.”A voice collides with my ears. I turn around and see Masson is sitting on my bed.Holly hell.He.Is.Here.But.Why?I look around and see my window is open. When did he come? I quickly get off from bed and move
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Seven
I astonished. I can’t believe he just kisses me on my head. I can’t figure out this situation. I blink my eyes for several times to believe whether it’s true or it’s just a dream. I look at him with half open mouth. He smiles.“I know you are too rude. This is the thing about you which makes me attracted toward you.”He says. Oh my God. He talks like Masson. He likes me the way Masson liked me. I just can’t understand what to do in this situation. I want to slap him for his actions but I can’t do that. I’m still figuring out the situation.“I don’t know about your feelings but I fall in love with you at first sight. You are the girl which I have been looking for my life and as my life partner. I will wait for your answer. And yes remember that you can stop me to enter in your life but you can’t stop me staring you, follow you and wait for you.”He says and stand up from chair. I can’t believe he is saying this. I’m still in the same position, completely astonished. I don’t know why I
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Six
I’m looking at him with half opened mouth and I’m breathing heavily. He is waiting for my response. I don’t know what to say. I’m totally silent. I want to run from here but I can’t. His words are still echoing in my ears. His words are killing me. These are the words of Masson. He said these words in our first interaction. I can’t do anything. I’m frozen at this place. The guy is totally confused. He can’t understand the situation. I remain in same position for a while. When students get out of canteen, I come into my senses. I get back and walk toward car. I get into car and start driving. I look from mirror, the guy is still there looking into my direction. I start driving fast and quickly reach home. I quickly run toward my room and lock my room. I go to bathroom and open the shower. I get shower in my clothes for an hour. After that I move toward mirror and look at myself. I can see that every part of my body is witnessing that I need Masson really bad in my life. Yes. I want hi
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Five
Monday, 25 April, 2022 6:10 a.m.Alarm rings. I wake up and off the alarm. I get out of bed and take a shower. I get downstairs and have some breakfast, say Olivia goodbye and come out of home for school. I don’t run from some days. I don’t know why but I’m changing day by day. I’m getting too lazy day by day. Either due to weakness or my mental health. I see Sky at her house’s door. She runs toward me. Oh God.“Hello, where are you going?”She asks. I don’t reply to her. I know it’s rude but this girl is too much talkative and I don’t like this. I don’t want to talk to her and I don’t know that why she isn’t getting this that I’m not interested in talking to her. In last two days, she has tortured me a lot. She even reached at my home without an invitation and Olivia likes her. She wants to get attached to me but I don’t. She thinks that I’m nice girl because I helped them out in shifting. If I knew that by doing so, this girl will irritate me, I never do that. It’s all m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Four
When these words pass from his mouth, I feel something hard in my stomach. I think she knew about Masson. I don’t know who told her. I really feel embarrassed right now. I can’t decide whether I should tell her or not. I remain silent. She is staring me and waiting for my answer.“No, it’s not like that.’I say. I don’t know she believes it or not but right now I don’t want to share my feelings about Masson with her. She press her lips tightly and then stands up.“Alright take care of yourself.”She says and leave my room. Thank God she leaves. I want to be alone. I just want peace. But my peace is Masson and he isn’t with me right now and he’ll never be with me. He hates me now and I want him to hate me more then anything, anyone he hates. I know I love him and I can’t bear that he hates me but it’s right for both of us. I miss him a lot. I need to tell him that how much I missed him after that day and how much I wanted to meet him, see him and hug him. But I didn’t tell him when I m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Three
Thursday, April 21,2022 6:50 a.m.The alarm rings. I open my eyes slowly and look at the clock. I can’t get out of bed so, I stay in bed for five more minutes. I’m feeling really tired. I even can’t open my eyes well. I wake up after ten minutes. I feel heavy. I place my hands on my head and try to get out of bed. I hardly get out of bed and move toward bathroom. I turn on the shower with shaking hands. I shower without removing my night dress as I’m feeling so hot. Maybe I have fever. I take shower for at least one and a half hour. After taking shower I come out of bathroom and 1change my clothes. I try to get myself ready to leave for school but I can’t. I already have missed yesterday’s classes. I can’t understand what to do. Whether I should go to school or not but I want to go. I get out of my room and enter in kitchen and grab orange juice out of refrigerator. I pick up glass from cabinet and pour some juice in it with my shaking hands. I hardly take a sip from juice and
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Two
Wednesday, April 20,2022 3:36 a.m.Olivia yells at me because she was too worried about me. I left Masson’s home and then I left home without informing her. I don’t take it seriously. She is right at her place. I should tell her but I was not in my own conscious. I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, thinking about everything happening in my life. All the shit is happening in my life and my whole life is like shit. I want to end this shit life but I can’t. I’m not brave enough to take this step. I’m becoming suicidal day by day. Every day I want to commit suicide. Every day I want to end this shit life but I really can’t. I have tried a lot to cut my nerve. I also tried other methods to kill myself like to take sleeping pills, to hang myself and to jump from the top of home but every time I can’t. My ideas are failed. I’m too weak to commit such a big decision. But sometimes I really need to do it. I’m tired of my life and there is no hope, not any special thing and like nothin
