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Chapter Four
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2024-10-29 19:42:56I come out of class when I’m done with one class. I want to breath and be away from that guy. I still can’t understand why he is staring me all time. It’s strange.
“I told you that I know you”, the voice comes behind me. I look around and see Masson is standing behind me. I become an angry.
“There is a difference in knowing and seeing, you just have seen me, you know nothing about me”, I say in an anger.
“We could know each other, if you want”, he say while smiling. I feel like if I stay for one more minute, I will kill him or myself. I run from there. I run as much as I can. I run to parking area, start my car and started driving. I drive really fast. I leave all my classes. Because if I stay there I will be more irritated. I enter home and walk to kitchen, drink water as my throat is too dry. I then go to my bedroom and lay down on bed. I sleep whole day.
Wednesday, January 19,2022
1:51 a.m.
I wake up. I still feel restless. I see my phone. There are ten calls from Angel. I put my phone down on table. I don’t call her back. I’m not in the condition to talk anybody today. In fact I’m always not in the condition to talk anybody. But today I’m in worst condition. I want to be alone. I walk down to stairs and look something to eat. I walk to kitchen but then think that I should eat some thing else from outside and spend time with myself. So I walk out of home to buy some snacks to eat. I walk slowly and stop at a restaurant, I usually come to this restaurant when I feel distress. I sit on chair and looking into menu to order something. Today I’m in the mood to eat some spicy food let me correct it. I’m always in the mood to eat spicy food. I love spicy food. So I order chili con carne, which is famous food of Texas. And I love this as it’s so spicy. I leave restaurant when I’m done with eating. Now I feel better. I enjoy my own company.
“I don’t need anyone”, I say it loud as there is no one near me to listen. I’m happy now. There is no one to disturb me and to steal my privacy. I’m happy with my own company. I only need myself. I take a deep breath, smile and look up to sky. Now I want some sweet to eat. I always eat sweet after some spice. So I go to ice cream parlor and buy a vanilla flavor. I love vanilla flavor in ice cream. I buy that and walk along with road while eating it.
“Hey you beautiful lady.”
I freeze as the voice comes. I turn around and see some guys staring at me and laughing. I become afraid.
“You want to come with us?”, one of them says. I can’t understand what to do. They all are moving closer to me. I started running but I can’t run fast. I have forgotten my way. I don’t know where I’m going I just keep running.
“Oh my God what should I do now?”
“Please God save me please.”
I keep running and running and I can hear the voice of running shoes behind me. I don’t know how far I can run. I can’t breath. I feel suffocated and dehydrated. I’m about to faint. I see a guy running on my side. Wait, what he is Masson.
“Oh come on Emma , please don’t do this now.”
I say to myself while running in a low voice.
“What?”, I hear this and look by my side.
He
Is
Here.
It’s not my imagination.
“Run fast”, he grab my hand and change the direction of our running. I say nothing and started running fast as I can. Now I can’t hear the running shoes behind. I turn around and see no one is there. I stop, take a deep breath and he also breaths deeply. I hug him. I really hug him. I can’t believe is this me? I feel a strange feelings that I have never felt before. My heartbeat increases and I don’t know what it is but I feel comfort and peace that I never felt. I never hugged any guy before. I’m about to sleep in his arms as I feel peace. He has really good fragrance. I could be in his arms all night. I’m breathing heavily. I don’t want him to move from here. All my fear gone away. I really want to hug him more tightly. It seems like the time has been frozen since I hug him and I don’t want this time to go away. I close my eyes and feel the peace I’m having now this time while hugging him. It’s the best moment of my life. He doesn’t hug me. He grimaces, and it’s quite obvious that he is having a really hard time not hugging me. I move back. I don’t want but I have to so I do so. I want him to hug me back but he doesn’t.
“Thank you”, I say and I feel embarrassment. I don’t ask him that how he came to know that I’m in trouble. Maybe he was stalking me out or maybe it’s just a coincidence.
“Where were you going?” , he asks without replying to my thank you.
“None of your business”, I say in an anger. I don’t know why I’m a short tempered person. He is looking at me for a while. He turns away from me without saying anything.
I stand on the sidewalk and watch him as he disappears without looking back.
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Wednesday, January 19, 2022 2:40 a.m. I’m still standing near my home where he left me and looking at a side where he left. I regret on my rudeness for the first time. I never felt regret on my rudeness before. I enter in my home still thinking about him. How stupid I am. How could I do that. He has saved me and I insulted him. How could I do that to a handsome good looking guy, who cares me and save me. I’m so silly girl. I don’t know how to behave with people or with handsome guy. I’m so arrogant. I enter in my room and lay down on bed. I don’t know how will I face him tomorrow in school. I think I should take a leave from school tomorrow. But no, I already have missed yesterday’s classes. I can’t take a leave. I’m so punctual type girl and I also want to see him tomorrow. I think I should apologize him for my behavior. I don’t know why I’m too attracted towards him. He is too handsome guy I ever have seen in my life and he gives me seductive feelings. I never felt se
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We are both crying. It’s been two hours since we are crying. “Please don’t leave him. You are losing him. Please……please don’t lose him.” She says. I don’t know what to say. I’m listening her but not responding. She leaves me and quickly walk away. I’m still crying really hard. I don’t know what to do now. I have done really bad for both of us. Sky is such a good girl. I have been hating her but she loves me. She loves me the way I am. I really behave bad with her. She is true friend but my behavior with her was really rude. When she leaves my room, I get out of bed and grab the sleeping pills while crying. Wednesday, August 26, 2022 1:00 p.m. I wake up and walk toward bathroom. I take a shower and walk outside the bathroom. I move toward mirror in my room. I see myself after many days. Maybe after a month. I don’t remember. I actually don’t remember anything in my life. I’m like a dead body. I behave like dead body. I haven’t any kind of feelings left in me. I see
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Nine
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We are still in the same position, looking into eyes of each other. Fate always did this to both of us. Fate once again make both us stand in front of each other. I swallow and look toward Sky. She is smiling. I feel dizzy. I don’t know what to do. I turn around and moving toward exit. Sky is calling me from behind but I don’t stop. I quickly enter in my room and run toward my room. I enter in bathroom and sit in bath tub. I sit there for a while and then cry really hard and loud. I cry there for at least two hours. I get out of tub and then sit on my bed.Tuesday, April 26, 2022 1:37 a.m.I wake up. I don’t know when I get to sleep. I hardly get up from bed. I see Masson is sitting on chair beside my bed. I ignore this as I always fantasize him in my room.“Emma.”A voice collides with my ears. I turn around and see Masson is sitting on my bed.Holly hell.He.Is.Here.But.Why?I look around and see my window is open. When did he come? I quickly get off from bed and move
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Seven
I astonished. I can’t believe he just kisses me on my head. I can’t figure out this situation. I blink my eyes for several times to believe whether it’s true or it’s just a dream. I look at him with half open mouth. He smiles.“I know you are too rude. This is the thing about you which makes me attracted toward you.”He says. Oh my God. He talks like Masson. He likes me the way Masson liked me. I just can’t understand what to do in this situation. I want to slap him for his actions but I can’t do that. I’m still figuring out the situation.“I don’t know about your feelings but I fall in love with you at first sight. You are the girl which I have been looking for my life and as my life partner. I will wait for your answer. And yes remember that you can stop me to enter in your life but you can’t stop me staring you, follow you and wait for you.”He says and stand up from chair. I can’t believe he is saying this. I’m still in the same position, completely astonished. I don’t know why I
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Six
I’m looking at him with half opened mouth and I’m breathing heavily. He is waiting for my response. I don’t know what to say. I’m totally silent. I want to run from here but I can’t. His words are still echoing in my ears. His words are killing me. These are the words of Masson. He said these words in our first interaction. I can’t do anything. I’m frozen at this place. The guy is totally confused. He can’t understand the situation. I remain in same position for a while. When students get out of canteen, I come into my senses. I get back and walk toward car. I get into car and start driving. I look from mirror, the guy is still there looking into my direction. I start driving fast and quickly reach home. I quickly run toward my room and lock my room. I go to bathroom and open the shower. I get shower in my clothes for an hour. After that I move toward mirror and look at myself. I can see that every part of my body is witnessing that I need Masson really bad in my life. Yes. I want hi
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Five
Monday, 25 April, 2022 6:10 a.m.Alarm rings. I wake up and off the alarm. I get out of bed and take a shower. I get downstairs and have some breakfast, say Olivia goodbye and come out of home for school. I don’t run from some days. I don’t know why but I’m changing day by day. I’m getting too lazy day by day. Either due to weakness or my mental health. I see Sky at her house’s door. She runs toward me. Oh God.“Hello, where are you going?”She asks. I don’t reply to her. I know it’s rude but this girl is too much talkative and I don’t like this. I don’t want to talk to her and I don’t know that why she isn’t getting this that I’m not interested in talking to her. In last two days, she has tortured me a lot. She even reached at my home without an invitation and Olivia likes her. She wants to get attached to me but I don’t. She thinks that I’m nice girl because I helped them out in shifting. If I knew that by doing so, this girl will irritate me, I never do that. It’s all m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Four
When these words pass from his mouth, I feel something hard in my stomach. I think she knew about Masson. I don’t know who told her. I really feel embarrassed right now. I can’t decide whether I should tell her or not. I remain silent. She is staring me and waiting for my answer.“No, it’s not like that.’I say. I don’t know she believes it or not but right now I don’t want to share my feelings about Masson with her. She press her lips tightly and then stands up.“Alright take care of yourself.”She says and leave my room. Thank God she leaves. I want to be alone. I just want peace. But my peace is Masson and he isn’t with me right now and he’ll never be with me. He hates me now and I want him to hate me more then anything, anyone he hates. I know I love him and I can’t bear that he hates me but it’s right for both of us. I miss him a lot. I need to tell him that how much I missed him after that day and how much I wanted to meet him, see him and hug him. But I didn’t tell him when I m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Three
Thursday, April 21,2022 6:50 a.m.The alarm rings. I open my eyes slowly and look at the clock. I can’t get out of bed so, I stay in bed for five more minutes. I’m feeling really tired. I even can’t open my eyes well. I wake up after ten minutes. I feel heavy. I place my hands on my head and try to get out of bed. I hardly get out of bed and move toward bathroom. I turn on the shower with shaking hands. I shower without removing my night dress as I’m feeling so hot. Maybe I have fever. I take shower for at least one and a half hour. After taking shower I come out of bathroom and 1change my clothes. I try to get myself ready to leave for school but I can’t. I already have missed yesterday’s classes. I can’t understand what to do. Whether I should go to school or not but I want to go. I get out of my room and enter in kitchen and grab orange juice out of refrigerator. I pick up glass from cabinet and pour some juice in it with my shaking hands. I hardly take a sip from juice and
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Two
Wednesday, April 20,2022 3:36 a.m.Olivia yells at me because she was too worried about me. I left Masson’s home and then I left home without informing her. I don’t take it seriously. She is right at her place. I should tell her but I was not in my own conscious. I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, thinking about everything happening in my life. All the shit is happening in my life and my whole life is like shit. I want to end this shit life but I can’t. I’m not brave enough to take this step. I’m becoming suicidal day by day. Every day I want to commit suicide. Every day I want to end this shit life but I really can’t. I have tried a lot to cut my nerve. I also tried other methods to kill myself like to take sleeping pills, to hang myself and to jump from the top of home but every time I can’t. My ideas are failed. I’m too weak to commit such a big decision. But sometimes I really need to do it. I’m tired of my life and there is no hope, not any special thing and like nothin
