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Chapter Seven
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2024-10-29 19:42:56Wednesday, January 19,2022
5:16 p.m.
I’m still unable to understand that what is going on with me. I’m changing myself slowly and slowly. I think about him all the days and nights. I can’t figure out the feelings when I’m with him. Today I’m happy in fact I’m more happy then ever before in my life. But I’m still in confusion that is it love or it’s hormone changes. As I’m going to 18 years old in few days. Anyways I don’t know what’s this but it’s the best feelings in the world. I’m lying on my bed and still thinking about him and shying. I’m excited to talk to him. I’m staring at my phone and waiting for his call or text. I want him to be with me right now. I’m imagining him on my bed lying with me. From now onwards Wednesday is my favorite day and 19 January is my favorite date.
“Oh my God”, I exhale a deep breath. What the hell am I doing? Is this me? I’m tired of thinking about him. I can’t stop thinking about him. He is fucking handsome guy. I can’t help. I wonder if he is also tired of thinking about me.
“Enough.”
I say in an exhausted way. I stand up and walk downstairs looking for something to eat. And then I walk back to my room and start doing my homework. I’m still waiting for his call and staring at my phone again and again but he doesn’t call.
Thursday, January 20, 2022
5:36 a.m.
I wake up early even before the alarm rings. I’m so excited for meeting Masson. It’s going to be our first date. I don’t know if I call it a date or not. But I like it to call a date. I stand up from bed, wash my face and step out of home to run. I started running. I inhale a fresh air and it seems like I’m having the best moments of my life. I wish it could never last. I finish running and walk in my home. I take a shower, look into mirror and staring at my face. I comb my hair and then let them open today. I had a little makeup on my face so that he couldn’t observe that I’m trying to impress him. I put a light lipstick. I’m totally trying to impress him. I walk downstairs to have breakfast. I’m having breakfast slowly and slowly. It tastes like really delicious. I have been eating same breakfast in this house but today is some special about it.
I finish my breakfast and step toward my father and kiss him on hi cheek.
“Is everything okay?”
He asks. He is curious about my behavior. I myself even don’t know that everything is okay or not. I pass a smile to him and nod. I’m happy that my so called “stepmother” isn’t here to ruin my mood. I’m still not figure it out that why the hell my father marry her. How can he forget my mother and allow anyone else to enter in our life and interrupt out relationship. Anyways, today I shouldn’t ruin my day with these kind of thoughts. So I’m leaving the house and get out of home, climb in my car and going to school in such a great mood. I reach at school. I know it’s too early. There’s a lot of time in our class so I’m walking aimlessly in school. Today even this school is looking so beautiful. I can’t believe it’s the same school I hated before I met him. I get into class when it’s time of lecture. I’m waiting for him in our class but he doesn’t appear. Angel has came and is sitting along with me. Today I love her talk even though it’s lame and I can’t believe that I’m listening her carefully. As the time passes, I worry about him and about our date. What if he doesn’t appear. The teacher enters in class and I’m about to cry. But I swallow up the tears and try to focus on lecture but I can’t. I really can’t focus on anything. I’m still waiting for him, looking toward the class door again and again. But as the time passes I loose hope. I band my hair up with catcher clip. And as soon as the classes end, I step toward parking area to leave. I’m totally disappointed today. I didn’t expect the day it’s going on. I climb in to my car and about to shut the car. But stop when I see a brown eyes staring me. I blink my eyes twice to believe.
“Hey.”
He is here. Yes. Oh my God. He is here. I can’t believe. It’s a great surprise, I ever had in my life. He is standing beside my car, putting his hand in my car’s window and looking into my eyes seriously without smiling. I smile. I want to not but I do and he notice that. Oh God how fool I am. I shouldn’t show him up that I’m happy to see him but it’s too late. He smiles back at me and waiting for my response. Oh I forget to reply him.
“Hello.”
I say immediately and look down to my hands. I feel nervous. I look back into his eyes which are still staring me. I wonder where he was been all day. He bunked all the classes and appears now. But why he appears now when he has bunked all the classes. I want to ask him but it’s too early. I just want him to drown into my eyes and I also want myself to do the same. Now at this moment, I feel the most luckiest girl in the world to be with him.
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“Lets go”, he is asking me to go, but I don’t know where he will take me. I think for a while. “Come out, we are going to restaurant in my car.” He is still waiting for my response. I climb out of car. He is stepping toward his car and I’m following him. I want to thank him for coming. I thought that he is not coming and I was very angry on him but now I’m in love with him more then before. He opens the front door of car and allow me to climb in and then turn toward the driving seat and sit inside. It’s my first time to go on date. I don’t know how to behave or what to say. I’m sitting in a silence. There is a complete silence between us for a while. “You okay?” He turn toward me for three seconds and then focus on driving. I tell him that I’m okay. I text Angel to take my car to her home. “So tell me something about yourself”, he says while looking forward. “You said earlier that you know me.” I reply. He laughs aloud and look at me. His laugh is incredible. I want to hear this
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We leave the restaurant as soon as we finish the coffee. Now we are sitting in car.“Where do you want to go?”He asks. I want to say him to take me there where he wants me to go. Take me with you Masson. I want to be with you all days all nights and want to spend all moments with you. But I don’t say it to him.“Drop me home.”I say. He look at me like he is disappointed with my answer. I’m also disappointed with my answer. But I want to go home because if I spend more time with him, I can’t control myself to fall for him. I really want to give him a hug and tell him that his words make me beautiful, worthy and his words impact positively on me. I want to tell him that he is too beautiful and the words fall from his mouth are the most sweetest words I ever have heard. I want to tell him about all my feelings that I feel for him. But part of me don’t want to tell him that’s why I’m asking him to drop me home.He is still staring me.“What?”I ask him. He is staring me like he is about
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Saturday, January 22, 2022 10:37 p.m.I’m sitting with my dad and mom, having dinner. We are having conversation as it’s Saturday and we all sit together and discuss our life with each other and it’s my dad’s idea. I really don’t like this idea. I hate this but I have to sit here.“So how’s your life going?”“Good dad.”“Good, anything new which you want to share?”I look up to my dad and think for a while. I don’t know, should I tell him or not but I think it’s not the right time as I myself can’t decide if I’m in love or not. The previous two days at school went good. We come closer to each other and we somehow know each other like I know his friends and we spend a lot of time with each other and even we sit together in class. Angel somehow feel jealous but then she allowed as she loves me. And now I’m close to Angel as well.Yeah I know it’s unbelievable.But.It is what it is.Now my life is change as previously I was rude and introvert but now I somehow have confidence
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Sunday, January 23, 2022 2:29 p.m.I wake up, look at clock. I jump out of bed.“Oh God.”“Dad must be waiting for me.”How could I forget that dad always celebrates my birthday at restaurant. And dad told me that today we are going to have lunch at restaurant. I quickly get myself ready and go downstairs. I see my dad is waiting in launch. I step into launch and my dad hug me and kiss me on forehead.“Oh darling me and your mom are waiting for you.”Oh God she is also coming. Why she is coming?“Dad please stop calling her my mom.”“She isn’t my mom.”“She can’t be my mom.”“Ever.”I mumble. I look at her.“Happy birthday dear.”“Thanks Olivia”She pass a fake smile. I look at my dad and now he is looking at me disappointed. I know he doesn’t like that. He wants me to accept her as my mom. I know that he is disappointed with me because I don’t call her as mom. And I will never call her mom.“Ready to go?”My dad asks and I nod. We all getting out of home, enter in garage. My da
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Sunday, January 23,2022 3:40 p.m.I’m sitting on chair in my bedroom and thinking about my behavior with dad. I’m upset. I think I shouldn’t talk to my father like that. I have made a mistake. He must be angry with me and the most thing which is disturbing me is that he must be disappointed because I hurt him. I’m too bad. I should be satisfied and happy with my dad’s happiness but I’m too selfish. I hate myself but I hate Olivia more than anything. I just can’t see her in my house, with my dad. She is too irritating.“Hey.”I hear the voice behind me. The sound is very low. I don’t move.“Happy birthday, Emma.”This time the voice is high. I turn around and see Masson.Wait.What?What is he doing here? My heartbeat increases when I see him in my room. I become nervous. I look at window. He climbs in from window. Oh God. I have seen this in movies. And it’s my most favorite part of romance in movies. I can’t believe that it’s happening in my real life and my most favorite
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His car is on the other side of my home. We walk toward car. He opens the front door for me to sit. He sit on driving seat and starts driving. I don’t know where we are going and I really don’t want to ask him. I already allow him to take me where ever he wants. I stare at him while he is driving. I want to admire his features. I want to tell him that his eyes are as deep as ocean. I want to drown in his eyes. I want to tell him that his lips are like honey and he smells like mint.“Are you here?”He asks. I nod and smile. Why he asks that? He looks nervous. I don’t know why. I should ask him. But no. I’m not sure if he wants to talk me about his matters or not. I shouldn’t interfere. But I also want to interfere. I want to tell him that how bad I want to interfere in his life.“I want to blindfold you for a while.”He says. I let his words sink in for a while. Why he wants to do this? I stare at him for a while. He is grabbing a blindfold in his hand. I let him to blindfold me. I don
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He is looking into my eyes. He moves closer to me and kisses the upper lid of my left eye. I’m having butterflies. I can’t believe that how someone could love me this much. I never have noticed my eyes before. From now onwards my eyes are favorite part of my body.“Your hands are as soft as velvet. Your nose is cutest nose. And you know what, when you scrunch your nose, you look so beautiful”.He says. I laugh. I know I have bad habit to scrunch nose like little babies. I tried a lot to control this habit but I couldn’t. But. Wow. He loves this. He loves this part of me and now I love this too.He kisses my hand gently and kisses the tip of my nose and then rub his nose against mine. It’s too cute. He is adorable and he is invading me slowly and slowly. I want him to invade me completely.“You have best cheekbones.”He says and kisses on my cheeks.“And your lips are smooth, soft and are so pretty.”He is looking at my lips and I don’t know what he is about to do. Maybe he will kiss.
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Yes.I’m.In.Love.I know it’s unbelievable. The people who know me will definitely can’t believe this that I’m in love. Now I’m lying on Masson’s shoulder and feel the peace of his existence.And.Yes.I’mHappy.With.My.Peace.“Emma, this is the best time to know each other.”“Wanna know something about me?”He says. He looks serious. I’m too happy that he wants to tell me about his life, his past and his future plans.“Yeah, if you feel free to share.”I say. He smile and starts running his fingers into my hair. I feel sleepy as today I’m having this much peace for the first time in my life. He takes a deep breath.“So, I’m telling you about my family. We are two brothers. My younger brother is Grayson. My mom dad are separated. Mom lives with us and dad……”He pauses and swallow saliva in his throat. It seems like he doesn’t want to talk about his father. The name of his makes him sad.“It’s okay, I don’t want to know about him.”I say. I can’t see sadness in the most beautiful
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We are both crying. It’s been two hours since we are crying. “Please don’t leave him. You are losing him. Please……please don’t lose him.” She says. I don’t know what to say. I’m listening her but not responding. She leaves me and quickly walk away. I’m still crying really hard. I don’t know what to do now. I have done really bad for both of us. Sky is such a good girl. I have been hating her but she loves me. She loves me the way I am. I really behave bad with her. She is true friend but my behavior with her was really rude. When she leaves my room, I get out of bed and grab the sleeping pills while crying. Wednesday, August 26, 2022 1:00 p.m. I wake up and walk toward bathroom. I take a shower and walk outside the bathroom. I move toward mirror in my room. I see myself after many days. Maybe after a month. I don’t remember. I actually don’t remember anything in my life. I’m like a dead body. I behave like dead body. I haven’t any kind of feelings left in me. I see
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Nine
Four months later:Tuesday, August 25, 2022 3: 37 p.m.I’m sitting on the couch watching television. I stop at the channel on which people are talking about Masson’s trial. People are saying that either Masson will be hanged or he will get a death sentence. A tear falls from my eyes. It’s been four months since he is in a jail. I close the television and quickly walk toward my room. I cry in my bathroom really hard. I don’t know what should I do. I’m totally confused in my life. I have passed my final year in school and now I’m in my home. I can’t decide what to do after this. I can’t focus on my life. I don’t know what should I do now. I’m really depressed. I can’t take any step in my life. I’m totally broken. I can’t do anything in my life after Masson. Everything after Masson is killing me. I can’t heal. I can’t move on, however Grayson has proposed me many times but I can’t think about him. I can’t think about anyone. I only think about Masson. Grayson is a good guy but
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Eight
We are still in the same position, looking into eyes of each other. Fate always did this to both of us. Fate once again make both us stand in front of each other. I swallow and look toward Sky. She is smiling. I feel dizzy. I don’t know what to do. I turn around and moving toward exit. Sky is calling me from behind but I don’t stop. I quickly enter in my room and run toward my room. I enter in bathroom and sit in bath tub. I sit there for a while and then cry really hard and loud. I cry there for at least two hours. I get out of tub and then sit on my bed.Tuesday, April 26, 2022 1:37 a.m.I wake up. I don’t know when I get to sleep. I hardly get up from bed. I see Masson is sitting on chair beside my bed. I ignore this as I always fantasize him in my room.“Emma.”A voice collides with my ears. I turn around and see Masson is sitting on my bed.Holly hell.He.Is.Here.But.Why?I look around and see my window is open. When did he come? I quickly get off from bed and move
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Seven
I astonished. I can’t believe he just kisses me on my head. I can’t figure out this situation. I blink my eyes for several times to believe whether it’s true or it’s just a dream. I look at him with half open mouth. He smiles.“I know you are too rude. This is the thing about you which makes me attracted toward you.”He says. Oh my God. He talks like Masson. He likes me the way Masson liked me. I just can’t understand what to do in this situation. I want to slap him for his actions but I can’t do that. I’m still figuring out the situation.“I don’t know about your feelings but I fall in love with you at first sight. You are the girl which I have been looking for my life and as my life partner. I will wait for your answer. And yes remember that you can stop me to enter in your life but you can’t stop me staring you, follow you and wait for you.”He says and stand up from chair. I can’t believe he is saying this. I’m still in the same position, completely astonished. I don’t know why I
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Six
I’m looking at him with half opened mouth and I’m breathing heavily. He is waiting for my response. I don’t know what to say. I’m totally silent. I want to run from here but I can’t. His words are still echoing in my ears. His words are killing me. These are the words of Masson. He said these words in our first interaction. I can’t do anything. I’m frozen at this place. The guy is totally confused. He can’t understand the situation. I remain in same position for a while. When students get out of canteen, I come into my senses. I get back and walk toward car. I get into car and start driving. I look from mirror, the guy is still there looking into my direction. I start driving fast and quickly reach home. I quickly run toward my room and lock my room. I go to bathroom and open the shower. I get shower in my clothes for an hour. After that I move toward mirror and look at myself. I can see that every part of my body is witnessing that I need Masson really bad in my life. Yes. I want hi
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Five
Monday, 25 April, 2022 6:10 a.m.Alarm rings. I wake up and off the alarm. I get out of bed and take a shower. I get downstairs and have some breakfast, say Olivia goodbye and come out of home for school. I don’t run from some days. I don’t know why but I’m changing day by day. I’m getting too lazy day by day. Either due to weakness or my mental health. I see Sky at her house’s door. She runs toward me. Oh God.“Hello, where are you going?”She asks. I don’t reply to her. I know it’s rude but this girl is too much talkative and I don’t like this. I don’t want to talk to her and I don’t know that why she isn’t getting this that I’m not interested in talking to her. In last two days, she has tortured me a lot. She even reached at my home without an invitation and Olivia likes her. She wants to get attached to me but I don’t. She thinks that I’m nice girl because I helped them out in shifting. If I knew that by doing so, this girl will irritate me, I never do that. It’s all m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Four
When these words pass from his mouth, I feel something hard in my stomach. I think she knew about Masson. I don’t know who told her. I really feel embarrassed right now. I can’t decide whether I should tell her or not. I remain silent. She is staring me and waiting for my answer.“No, it’s not like that.’I say. I don’t know she believes it or not but right now I don’t want to share my feelings about Masson with her. She press her lips tightly and then stands up.“Alright take care of yourself.”She says and leave my room. Thank God she leaves. I want to be alone. I just want peace. But my peace is Masson and he isn’t with me right now and he’ll never be with me. He hates me now and I want him to hate me more then anything, anyone he hates. I know I love him and I can’t bear that he hates me but it’s right for both of us. I miss him a lot. I need to tell him that how much I missed him after that day and how much I wanted to meet him, see him and hug him. But I didn’t tell him when I m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Three
Thursday, April 21,2022 6:50 a.m.The alarm rings. I open my eyes slowly and look at the clock. I can’t get out of bed so, I stay in bed for five more minutes. I’m feeling really tired. I even can’t open my eyes well. I wake up after ten minutes. I feel heavy. I place my hands on my head and try to get out of bed. I hardly get out of bed and move toward bathroom. I turn on the shower with shaking hands. I shower without removing my night dress as I’m feeling so hot. Maybe I have fever. I take shower for at least one and a half hour. After taking shower I come out of bathroom and 1change my clothes. I try to get myself ready to leave for school but I can’t. I already have missed yesterday’s classes. I can’t understand what to do. Whether I should go to school or not but I want to go. I get out of my room and enter in kitchen and grab orange juice out of refrigerator. I pick up glass from cabinet and pour some juice in it with my shaking hands. I hardly take a sip from juice and
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Two
Wednesday, April 20,2022 3:36 a.m.Olivia yells at me because she was too worried about me. I left Masson’s home and then I left home without informing her. I don’t take it seriously. She is right at her place. I should tell her but I was not in my own conscious. I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, thinking about everything happening in my life. All the shit is happening in my life and my whole life is like shit. I want to end this shit life but I can’t. I’m not brave enough to take this step. I’m becoming suicidal day by day. Every day I want to commit suicide. Every day I want to end this shit life but I really can’t. I have tried a lot to cut my nerve. I also tried other methods to kill myself like to take sleeping pills, to hang myself and to jump from the top of home but every time I can’t. My ideas are failed. I’m too weak to commit such a big decision. But sometimes I really need to do it. I’m tired of my life and there is no hope, not any special thing and like nothin
