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Chapter Twelve
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๋ฐ์ดํธ:
2022-08-02 01:46:30
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Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Thirteen
His car is on the other side of my home. We walk toward car. He opens the front door for me to sit. He sit on driving seat and starts driving. I donโt know where we are going and I really donโt want to ask him. I already allow him to take me where ever he wants. I stare at him while he is driving. I want to admire his features. I want to tell him that his eyes are as deep as ocean. I want to drown in his eyes. I want to tell him that his lips are like honey and he smells like mint.โAre you here?โHe asks. I nod and smile. Why he asks that? He looks nervous. I donโt know why. I should ask him. But no. Iโm not sure if he wants to talk me about his matters or not. I shouldnโt interfere. But I also want to interfere. I want to tell him that how bad I want to interfere in his life.โI want to blindfold you for a while.โHe says. I let his words sink in for a while. Why he wants to do this? I stare at him for a while. He is grabbing a blindfold in his hand. I let him to blindfold me. I don
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2022-08-03Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Fourteen
He is looking into my eyes. He moves closer to me and kisses the upper lid of my left eye. Iโm having butterflies. I canโt believe that how someone could love me this much. I never have noticed my eyes before. From now onwards my eyes are favorite part of my body.โYour hands are as soft as velvet. Your nose is cutest nose. And you know what, when you scrunch your nose, you look so beautifulโ.He says. I laugh. I know I have bad habit to scrunch nose like little babies. I tried a lot to control this habit but I couldnโt. But. Wow. He loves this. He loves this part of me and now I love this too.He kisses my hand gently and kisses the tip of my nose and then rub his nose against mine. Itโs too cute. He is adorable and he is invading me slowly and slowly. I want him to invade me completely.โYou have best cheekbones.โHe says and kisses on my cheeks.โAnd your lips are smooth, soft and are so pretty.โHe is looking at my lips and I donโt know what he is about to do. Maybe he will kiss.
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2022-08-04Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Fifteen
Yes.Iโm.In.Love.I know itโs unbelievable. The people who know me will definitely canโt believe this that Iโm in love. Now Iโm lying on Massonโs shoulder and feel the peace of his existence.And.Yes.IโmHappy.With.My.Peace.โEmma, this is the best time to know each other.โโWanna know something about me?โHe says. He looks serious. Iโm too happy that he wants to tell me about his life, his past and his future plans.โYeah, if you feel free to share.โI say. He smile and starts running his fingers into my hair. I feel sleepy as today Iโm having this much peace for the first time in my life. He takes a deep breath.โSo, Iโm telling you about my family. We are two brothers. My younger brother is Grayson. My mom dad are separated. Mom lives with us and dadโฆโฆโHe pauses and swallow saliva in his throat. It seems like he doesnโt want to talk about his father. The name of his makes him sad.โItโs okay, I donโt want to know about him.โI say. I canโt see sadness in the most beautiful
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2022-08-06Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Sixteen
โMassonโ, I call him. He looks at me. We are still on beech, sitting on beech sheet in each otherโs embrace.The phone starts ringing. Itโs my phone. Oh God who the hell is disturbing. I grab my phone from my purse and see Olivia is calling. I roll my eyes.Oh God. What a bitch she is.I murmur. I think her goal is to ruin my life and snatch away my loved ones.โWhoโs calling?โMasson is looking at me.โNothing importantโ, I say.โYou can pickup the phone. I havenโt any kind of issue. Believe meโ, he says.I tell him that there is nothing important. I donโt want to pickup her call. I donโt know why she is calling me. Is everything okay? Maybe she hasnโt find me in home thatโs why she is calling me but she has nothing to do with it. She doesnโt care about my existence or absence, even she must be happy with my absence. I donโt know.My phone starts ringing again. This time I feel it in my stomach. I donโt know why but there is something wrong happening with my body. I quickly put phon
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2022-08-10Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Seventeen
Monday, January 24, 2022 2: 22 a.m.We are still waiting in the waiting area of hospital. Olivia is walking here and there in tension. Iโm sitting on chair. Iโm unable to move from here. Iโm stuck here. Olivia is praying loudly for dad. I canโt speak. I canโt pray aloud. Iโm just thinking about dad and praying for dad inside.God please.Iโฆ. I will never commit sin.Please save my dad.I need him.We need him.The doctor comes out of emergency room. Olivia runs toward doctor but I donโt. I havenโt any energy left to stand up. I donโt know what is happening. I feel something in my stomach.God.Please save dad.My body is shivering. I donโt know what will doctor say. Iโm afraid. Iโm too much afraid. I canโt listen doctor.Olivia moves behind and is crying hard. Why the hell is she crying? What happens?She.Sheโฆ. She is crying.Why?No Emma, this isnโt like that. Donโt overthink. Everything will be fine. Dad will bee fine. We will live together. I will accept Olivia. I will a
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2022-08-12Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Eighteen
Monday, January 24, 2022 6:29 a.m.Iโm still sitting on my roomโs floor, crying. I canโt sleep till now. Iโm too afraid. Iโm unable to do anything. Iโm having headache and body pain but I canโt move even to take a pain killer. I donโt need anything. I just want my family back. I canโt accept that I lost my family. I have lost everything. I lost my childhood. I lost my family. I lost my love. I lost my happiness. I lost my emotions. I lost my feelings. The only thing I gained is a fear. Fear of loss.And with this fear I canโt live happily. I just canโt. I want to die. I donโt want to be lonely.God.God please kill me.I canโt live with this fucking pain.The door bell rings. I donโt move. The door bell again rings. I canโt move. I stand up with the help of edge of bed. I move toward mirror, set my condition and wipe out my tears. Iโm still same. I canโt show anyone my emotions and feelings because I donโt want anyoneโs sympathy. I pretend to be strong. But Iโm not. Iโm
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2022-08-13Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Nineteen
Three months later: Monday, April 18, 2022 6: 15 a.m. I wake up and watch time and a small yawn passes from my lips. I step out of bed, sit on bed for a while. I get myself ready to run. I wear my running shoes and dress, grab a bottle of water and leave the home. I inhale a fresh air and starts running. I really feel better running in the morning. It fades away all the tiredness, sorrows and pains from my life for some time. It helps me to heal somehow. I enter home after I finished my run. I move toward my room and go to bathroom, brush my teeth. I then take a shower and come out of bathroom. I dry my hair and quickly get ready for the school. I come out of my room and sit on dinning table to have some breakfast. โGood morning.โ Olivia says. โHello, how are you?โ I ask. She tells me that she is okay and asks about me. I tell her that Iโm good. Itโs been three months that I and Olivia have accepted each other but I donโt call her as mom and she doesnโt call me her daugh
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2022-08-25Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty
Tuesday, April 19, 2022 10: 20 a.m.I wake up and watch the clock. I shut my eyes and then suddenly open the eyes. I watch time again. Oh shit. I wake up and put my hands on my head. Iโm too late for school. I was too tired last night thatโs why I canโt wake up early. Iโm not in the mood to go to school late so I decide to take a leave today. I step out of bed and go to bathroom, take a shower and go downstairs to have some breakfast. I take some breakfast from refrigerator and starts eating and have some orange juice. Olivia isnโt here. She must be at shop. I watch T.V for some time. Iโm getting bore. I go to my room and check out the book shelf but I donโt have books to read. I have already read all the books. Iโm free and I donโt like to be free. I want some work to do. I donโt know what to do now. I enter in kitchen and think about cooking. But I donโt know how to cook. Oh God I feel boredom.โWhat should I do now?โI mumble. I think for a while and then decide to join Olivi
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๋ฐ์ดํธ : 2022-08-26
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Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Thirty
We are both crying. Itโs been two hours since we are crying. โPlease donโt leave him. You are losing him. Pleaseโฆโฆplease donโt lose him.โ She says. I donโt know what to say. Iโm listening her but not responding. She leaves me and quickly walk away. Iโm still crying really hard. I donโt know what to do now. I have done really bad for both of us. Sky is such a good girl. I have been hating her but she loves me. She loves me the way I am. I really behave bad with her. She is true friend but my behavior with her was really rude. When she leaves my room, I get out of bed and grab the sleeping pills while crying. Wednesday, August 26, 2022 1:00 p.m. I wake up and walk toward bathroom. I take a shower and walk outside the bathroom. I move toward mirror in my room. I see myself after many days. Maybe after a month. I donโt remember. I actually donโt remember anything in my life. Iโm like a dead body. I behave like dead body. I havenโt any kind of feelings left in me. I see
Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty Nine
Four months later:Tuesday, August 25, 2022 3: 37 p.m.Iโm sitting on the couch watching television. I stop at the channel on which people are talking about Massonโs trial. People are saying that either Masson will be hanged or he will get a death sentence. A tear falls from my eyes. Itโs been four months since he is in a jail. I close the television and quickly walk toward my room. I cry in my bathroom really hard. I donโt know what should I do. Iโm totally confused in my life. I have passed my final year in school and now Iโm in my home. I canโt decide what to do after this. I canโt focus on my life. I donโt know what should I do now. Iโm really depressed. I canโt take any step in my life. Iโm totally broken. I canโt do anything in my life after Masson. Everything after Masson is killing me. I canโt heal. I canโt move on, however Grayson has proposed me many times but I canโt think about him. I canโt think about anyone. I only think about Masson. Grayson is a good guy but
Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty Eight
We are still in the same position, looking into eyes of each other. Fate always did this to both of us. Fate once again make both us stand in front of each other. I swallow and look toward Sky. She is smiling. I feel dizzy. I donโt know what to do. I turn around and moving toward exit. Sky is calling me from behind but I donโt stop. I quickly enter in my room and run toward my room. I enter in bathroom and sit in bath tub. I sit there for a while and then cry really hard and loud. I cry there for at least two hours. I get out of tub and then sit on my bed.Tuesday, April 26, 2022 1:37 a.m.I wake up. I donโt know when I get to sleep. I hardly get up from bed. I see Masson is sitting on chair beside my bed. I ignore this as I always fantasize him in my room.โEmma.โA voice collides with my ears. I turn around and see Masson is sitting on my bed.Holly hell.He.Is.Here.But.Why?I look around and see my window is open. When did he come? I quickly get off from bed and move
Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty Seven
I astonished. I canโt believe he just kisses me on my head. I canโt figure out this situation. I blink my eyes for several times to believe whether itโs true or itโs just a dream. I look at him with half open mouth. He smiles.โI know you are too rude. This is the thing about you which makes me attracted toward you.โHe says. Oh my God. He talks like Masson. He likes me the way Masson liked me. I just canโt understand what to do in this situation. I want to slap him for his actions but I canโt do that. Iโm still figuring out the situation.โI donโt know about your feelings but I fall in love with you at first sight. You are the girl which I have been looking for my life and as my life partner. I will wait for your answer. And yes remember that you can stop me to enter in your life but you canโt stop me staring you, follow you and wait for you.โHe says and stand up from chair. I canโt believe he is saying this. Iโm still in the same position, completely astonished. I donโt know why I
Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty Six
Iโm looking at him with half opened mouth and Iโm breathing heavily. He is waiting for my response. I donโt know what to say. Iโm totally silent. I want to run from here but I canโt. His words are still echoing in my ears. His words are killing me. These are the words of Masson. He said these words in our first interaction. I canโt do anything. Iโm frozen at this place. The guy is totally confused. He canโt understand the situation. I remain in same position for a while. When students get out of canteen, I come into my senses. I get back and walk toward car. I get into car and start driving. I look from mirror, the guy is still there looking into my direction. I start driving fast and quickly reach home. I quickly run toward my room and lock my room. I go to bathroom and open the shower. I get shower in my clothes for an hour. After that I move toward mirror and look at myself. I can see that every part of my body is witnessing that I need Masson really bad in my life. Yes. I want hi
Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty Five
Monday, 25 April, 2022 6:10 a.m.Alarm rings. I wake up and off the alarm. I get out of bed and take a shower. I get downstairs and have some breakfast, say Olivia goodbye and come out of home for school. I donโt run from some days. I donโt know why but Iโm changing day by day. Iโm getting too lazy day by day. Either due to weakness or my mental health. I see Sky at her houseโs door. She runs toward me. Oh God.โHello, where are you going?โShe asks. I donโt reply to her. I know itโs rude but this girl is too much talkative and I donโt like this. I donโt want to talk to her and I donโt know that why she isnโt getting this that Iโm not interested in talking to her. In last two days, she has tortured me a lot. She even reached at my home without an invitation and Olivia likes her. She wants to get attached to me but I donโt. She thinks that Iโm nice girl because I helped them out in shifting. If I knew that by doing so, this girl will irritate me, I never do that. Itโs all m
Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty Four
When these words pass from his mouth, I feel something hard in my stomach. I think she knew about Masson. I donโt know who told her. I really feel embarrassed right now. I canโt decide whether I should tell her or not. I remain silent. She is staring me and waiting for my answer.โNo, itโs not like that.โI say. I donโt know she believes it or not but right now I donโt want to share my feelings about Masson with her. She press her lips tightly and then stands up.โAlright take care of yourself.โShe says and leave my room. Thank God she leaves. I want to be alone. I just want peace. But my peace is Masson and he isnโt with me right now and heโll never be with me. He hates me now and I want him to hate me more then anything, anyone he hates. I know I love him and I canโt bear that he hates me but itโs right for both of us. I miss him a lot. I need to tell him that how much I missed him after that day and how much I wanted to meet him, see him and hug him. But I didnโt tell him when I m
Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty Three
Thursday, April 21,2022 6:50 a.m.The alarm rings. I open my eyes slowly and look at the clock. I canโt get out of bed so, I stay in bed for five more minutes. Iโm feeling really tired. I even canโt open my eyes well. I wake up after ten minutes. I feel heavy. I place my hands on my head and try to get out of bed. I hardly get out of bed and move toward bathroom. I turn on the shower with shaking hands. I shower without removing my night dress as Iโm feeling so hot. Maybe I have fever. I take shower for at least one and a half hour. After taking shower I come out of bathroom and 1change my clothes. I try to get myself ready to leave for school but I canโt. I already have missed yesterdayโs classes. I canโt understand what to do. Whether I should go to school or not but I want to go. I get out of my room and enter in kitchen and grab orange juice out of refrigerator. I pick up glass from cabinet and pour some juice in it with my shaking hands. I hardly take a sip from juice and
Fear of Loss ย ย ย Chapter Twenty Two
Wednesday, April 20,2022 3:36 a.m.Olivia yells at me because she was too worried about me. I left Massonโs home and then I left home without informing her. I donโt take it seriously. She is right at her place. I should tell her but I was not in my own conscious. Iโm sitting on the edge of my bed, thinking about everything happening in my life. All the shit is happening in my life and my whole life is like shit. I want to end this shit life but I canโt. Iโm not brave enough to take this step. Iโm becoming suicidal day by day. Every day I want to commit suicide. Every day I want to end this shit life but I really canโt. I have tried a lot to cut my nerve. I also tried other methods to kill myself like to take sleeping pills, to hang myself and to jump from the top of home but every time I canโt. My ideas are failed. Iโm too weak to commit such a big decision. But sometimes I really need to do it. Iโm tired of my life and there is no hope, not any special thing and like nothin
