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Chapter Ten
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Fear of Loss Chapter Eleven
Sunday, January 23, 2022 2:29 p.m.I wake up, look at clock. I jump out of bed.“Oh God.”“Dad must be waiting for me.”How could I forget that dad always celebrates my birthday at restaurant. And dad told me that today we are going to have lunch at restaurant. I quickly get myself ready and go downstairs. I see my dad is waiting in launch. I step into launch and my dad hug me and kiss me on forehead.“Oh darling me and your mom are waiting for you.”Oh God she is also coming. Why she is coming?“Dad please stop calling her my mom.”“She isn’t my mom.”“She can’t be my mom.”“Ever.”I mumble. I look at her.“Happy birthday dear.”“Thanks Olivia”She pass a fake smile. I look at my dad and now he is looking at me disappointed. I know he doesn’t like that. He wants me to accept her as my mom. I know that he is disappointed with me because I don’t call her as mom. And I will never call her mom.“Ready to go?”My dad asks and I nod. We all getting out of home, enter in garage. My da
Fear of Loss Chapter Twelve
Sunday, January 23,2022 3:40 p.m.I’m sitting on chair in my bedroom and thinking about my behavior with dad. I’m upset. I think I shouldn’t talk to my father like that. I have made a mistake. He must be angry with me and the most thing which is disturbing me is that he must be disappointed because I hurt him. I’m too bad. I should be satisfied and happy with my dad’s happiness but I’m too selfish. I hate myself but I hate Olivia more than anything. I just can’t see her in my house, with my dad. She is too irritating.“Hey.”I hear the voice behind me. The sound is very low. I don’t move.“Happy birthday, Emma.”This time the voice is high. I turn around and see Masson.Wait.What?What is he doing here? My heartbeat increases when I see him in my room. I become nervous. I look at window. He climbs in from window. Oh God. I have seen this in movies. And it’s my most favorite part of romance in movies. I can’t believe that it’s happening in my real life and my most favorite
Fear of Loss Chapter Thirteen
His car is on the other side of my home. We walk toward car. He opens the front door for me to sit. He sit on driving seat and starts driving. I don’t know where we are going and I really don’t want to ask him. I already allow him to take me where ever he wants. I stare at him while he is driving. I want to admire his features. I want to tell him that his eyes are as deep as ocean. I want to drown in his eyes. I want to tell him that his lips are like honey and he smells like mint.“Are you here?”He asks. I nod and smile. Why he asks that? He looks nervous. I don’t know why. I should ask him. But no. I’m not sure if he wants to talk me about his matters or not. I shouldn’t interfere. But I also want to interfere. I want to tell him that how bad I want to interfere in his life.“I want to blindfold you for a while.”He says. I let his words sink in for a while. Why he wants to do this? I stare at him for a while. He is grabbing a blindfold in his hand. I let him to blindfold me. I don
Fear of Loss Chapter Fourteen
He is looking into my eyes. He moves closer to me and kisses the upper lid of my left eye. I’m having butterflies. I can’t believe that how someone could love me this much. I never have noticed my eyes before. From now onwards my eyes are favorite part of my body.“Your hands are as soft as velvet. Your nose is cutest nose. And you know what, when you scrunch your nose, you look so beautiful”.He says. I laugh. I know I have bad habit to scrunch nose like little babies. I tried a lot to control this habit but I couldn’t. But. Wow. He loves this. He loves this part of me and now I love this too.He kisses my hand gently and kisses the tip of my nose and then rub his nose against mine. It’s too cute. He is adorable and he is invading me slowly and slowly. I want him to invade me completely.“You have best cheekbones.”He says and kisses on my cheeks.“And your lips are smooth, soft and are so pretty.”He is looking at my lips and I don’t know what he is about to do. Maybe he will kiss.
Fear of Loss Chapter Fifteen
Yes.I’m.In.Love.I know it’s unbelievable. The people who know me will definitely can’t believe this that I’m in love. Now I’m lying on Masson’s shoulder and feel the peace of his existence.And.Yes.I’mHappy.With.My.Peace.“Emma, this is the best time to know each other.”“Wanna know something about me?”He says. He looks serious. I’m too happy that he wants to tell me about his life, his past and his future plans.“Yeah, if you feel free to share.”I say. He smile and starts running his fingers into my hair. I feel sleepy as today I’m having this much peace for the first time in my life. He takes a deep breath.“So, I’m telling you about my family. We are two brothers. My younger brother is Grayson. My mom dad are separated. Mom lives with us and dad……”He pauses and swallow saliva in his throat. It seems like he doesn’t want to talk about his father. The name of his makes him sad.“It’s okay, I don’t want to know about him.”I say. I can’t see sadness in the most beautiful
Fear of Loss Chapter Sixteen
“Masson”, I call him. He looks at me. We are still on beech, sitting on beech sheet in each other’s embrace.The phone starts ringing. It’s my phone. Oh God who the hell is disturbing. I grab my phone from my purse and see Olivia is calling. I roll my eyes.Oh God. What a bitch she is.I murmur. I think her goal is to ruin my life and snatch away my loved ones.“Who’s calling?”Masson is looking at me.“Nothing important”, I say.“You can pickup the phone. I haven’t any kind of issue. Believe me”, he says.I tell him that there is nothing important. I don’t want to pickup her call. I don’t know why she is calling me. Is everything okay? Maybe she hasn’t find me in home that’s why she is calling me but she has nothing to do with it. She doesn’t care about my existence or absence, even she must be happy with my absence. I don’t know.My phone starts ringing again. This time I feel it in my stomach. I don’t know why but there is something wrong happening with my body. I quickly put phon
Fear of Loss Chapter Seventeen
Monday, January 24, 2022 2: 22 a.m.We are still waiting in the waiting area of hospital. Olivia is walking here and there in tension. I’m sitting on chair. I’m unable to move from here. I’m stuck here. Olivia is praying loudly for dad. I can’t speak. I can’t pray aloud. I’m just thinking about dad and praying for dad inside.God please.I…. I will never commit sin.Please save my dad.I need him.We need him.The doctor comes out of emergency room. Olivia runs toward doctor but I don’t. I haven’t any energy left to stand up. I don’t know what is happening. I feel something in my stomach.God.Please save dad.My body is shivering. I don’t know what will doctor say. I’m afraid. I’m too much afraid. I can’t listen doctor.Olivia moves behind and is crying hard. Why the hell is she crying? What happens?She.She…. She is crying.Why?No Emma, this isn’t like that. Don’t overthink. Everything will be fine. Dad will bee fine. We will live together. I will accept Olivia. I will a
Fear of Loss Chapter Eighteen
Monday, January 24, 2022 6:29 a.m.I’m still sitting on my room’s floor, crying. I can’t sleep till now. I’m too afraid. I’m unable to do anything. I’m having headache and body pain but I can’t move even to take a pain killer. I don’t need anything. I just want my family back. I can’t accept that I lost my family. I have lost everything. I lost my childhood. I lost my family. I lost my love. I lost my happiness. I lost my emotions. I lost my feelings. The only thing I gained is a fear. Fear of loss.And with this fear I can’t live happily. I just can’t. I want to die. I don’t want to be lonely.God.God please kill me.I can’t live with this fucking pain.The door bell rings. I don’t move. The door bell again rings. I can’t move. I stand up with the help of edge of bed. I move toward mirror, set my condition and wipe out my tears. I’m still same. I can’t show anyone my emotions and feelings because I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I pretend to be strong. But I’m not. I’m
Latest chapter
Fear of Loss Chapter Thirty
We are both crying. It’s been two hours since we are crying. “Please don’t leave him. You are losing him. Please……please don’t lose him.” She says. I don’t know what to say. I’m listening her but not responding. She leaves me and quickly walk away. I’m still crying really hard. I don’t know what to do now. I have done really bad for both of us. Sky is such a good girl. I have been hating her but she loves me. She loves me the way I am. I really behave bad with her. She is true friend but my behavior with her was really rude. When she leaves my room, I get out of bed and grab the sleeping pills while crying. Wednesday, August 26, 2022 1:00 p.m. I wake up and walk toward bathroom. I take a shower and walk outside the bathroom. I move toward mirror in my room. I see myself after many days. Maybe after a month. I don’t remember. I actually don’t remember anything in my life. I’m like a dead body. I behave like dead body. I haven’t any kind of feelings left in me. I see
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Nine
Four months later:Tuesday, August 25, 2022 3: 37 p.m.I’m sitting on the couch watching television. I stop at the channel on which people are talking about Masson’s trial. People are saying that either Masson will be hanged or he will get a death sentence. A tear falls from my eyes. It’s been four months since he is in a jail. I close the television and quickly walk toward my room. I cry in my bathroom really hard. I don’t know what should I do. I’m totally confused in my life. I have passed my final year in school and now I’m in my home. I can’t decide what to do after this. I can’t focus on my life. I don’t know what should I do now. I’m really depressed. I can’t take any step in my life. I’m totally broken. I can’t do anything in my life after Masson. Everything after Masson is killing me. I can’t heal. I can’t move on, however Grayson has proposed me many times but I can’t think about him. I can’t think about anyone. I only think about Masson. Grayson is a good guy but
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Eight
We are still in the same position, looking into eyes of each other. Fate always did this to both of us. Fate once again make both us stand in front of each other. I swallow and look toward Sky. She is smiling. I feel dizzy. I don’t know what to do. I turn around and moving toward exit. Sky is calling me from behind but I don’t stop. I quickly enter in my room and run toward my room. I enter in bathroom and sit in bath tub. I sit there for a while and then cry really hard and loud. I cry there for at least two hours. I get out of tub and then sit on my bed.Tuesday, April 26, 2022 1:37 a.m.I wake up. I don’t know when I get to sleep. I hardly get up from bed. I see Masson is sitting on chair beside my bed. I ignore this as I always fantasize him in my room.“Emma.”A voice collides with my ears. I turn around and see Masson is sitting on my bed.Holly hell.He.Is.Here.But.Why?I look around and see my window is open. When did he come? I quickly get off from bed and move
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Seven
I astonished. I can’t believe he just kisses me on my head. I can’t figure out this situation. I blink my eyes for several times to believe whether it’s true or it’s just a dream. I look at him with half open mouth. He smiles.“I know you are too rude. This is the thing about you which makes me attracted toward you.”He says. Oh my God. He talks like Masson. He likes me the way Masson liked me. I just can’t understand what to do in this situation. I want to slap him for his actions but I can’t do that. I’m still figuring out the situation.“I don’t know about your feelings but I fall in love with you at first sight. You are the girl which I have been looking for my life and as my life partner. I will wait for your answer. And yes remember that you can stop me to enter in your life but you can’t stop me staring you, follow you and wait for you.”He says and stand up from chair. I can’t believe he is saying this. I’m still in the same position, completely astonished. I don’t know why I
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Six
I’m looking at him with half opened mouth and I’m breathing heavily. He is waiting for my response. I don’t know what to say. I’m totally silent. I want to run from here but I can’t. His words are still echoing in my ears. His words are killing me. These are the words of Masson. He said these words in our first interaction. I can’t do anything. I’m frozen at this place. The guy is totally confused. He can’t understand the situation. I remain in same position for a while. When students get out of canteen, I come into my senses. I get back and walk toward car. I get into car and start driving. I look from mirror, the guy is still there looking into my direction. I start driving fast and quickly reach home. I quickly run toward my room and lock my room. I go to bathroom and open the shower. I get shower in my clothes for an hour. After that I move toward mirror and look at myself. I can see that every part of my body is witnessing that I need Masson really bad in my life. Yes. I want hi
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Five
Monday, 25 April, 2022 6:10 a.m.Alarm rings. I wake up and off the alarm. I get out of bed and take a shower. I get downstairs and have some breakfast, say Olivia goodbye and come out of home for school. I don’t run from some days. I don’t know why but I’m changing day by day. I’m getting too lazy day by day. Either due to weakness or my mental health. I see Sky at her house’s door. She runs toward me. Oh God.“Hello, where are you going?”She asks. I don’t reply to her. I know it’s rude but this girl is too much talkative and I don’t like this. I don’t want to talk to her and I don’t know that why she isn’t getting this that I’m not interested in talking to her. In last two days, she has tortured me a lot. She even reached at my home without an invitation and Olivia likes her. She wants to get attached to me but I don’t. She thinks that I’m nice girl because I helped them out in shifting. If I knew that by doing so, this girl will irritate me, I never do that. It’s all m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Four
When these words pass from his mouth, I feel something hard in my stomach. I think she knew about Masson. I don’t know who told her. I really feel embarrassed right now. I can’t decide whether I should tell her or not. I remain silent. She is staring me and waiting for my answer.“No, it’s not like that.’I say. I don’t know she believes it or not but right now I don’t want to share my feelings about Masson with her. She press her lips tightly and then stands up.“Alright take care of yourself.”She says and leave my room. Thank God she leaves. I want to be alone. I just want peace. But my peace is Masson and he isn’t with me right now and he’ll never be with me. He hates me now and I want him to hate me more then anything, anyone he hates. I know I love him and I can’t bear that he hates me but it’s right for both of us. I miss him a lot. I need to tell him that how much I missed him after that day and how much I wanted to meet him, see him and hug him. But I didn’t tell him when I m
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Three
Thursday, April 21,2022 6:50 a.m.The alarm rings. I open my eyes slowly and look at the clock. I can’t get out of bed so, I stay in bed for five more minutes. I’m feeling really tired. I even can’t open my eyes well. I wake up after ten minutes. I feel heavy. I place my hands on my head and try to get out of bed. I hardly get out of bed and move toward bathroom. I turn on the shower with shaking hands. I shower without removing my night dress as I’m feeling so hot. Maybe I have fever. I take shower for at least one and a half hour. After taking shower I come out of bathroom and 1change my clothes. I try to get myself ready to leave for school but I can’t. I already have missed yesterday’s classes. I can’t understand what to do. Whether I should go to school or not but I want to go. I get out of my room and enter in kitchen and grab orange juice out of refrigerator. I pick up glass from cabinet and pour some juice in it with my shaking hands. I hardly take a sip from juice and
Fear of Loss Chapter Twenty Two
Wednesday, April 20,2022 3:36 a.m.Olivia yells at me because she was too worried about me. I left Masson’s home and then I left home without informing her. I don’t take it seriously. She is right at her place. I should tell her but I was not in my own conscious. I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, thinking about everything happening in my life. All the shit is happening in my life and my whole life is like shit. I want to end this shit life but I can’t. I’m not brave enough to take this step. I’m becoming suicidal day by day. Every day I want to commit suicide. Every day I want to end this shit life but I really can’t. I have tried a lot to cut my nerve. I also tried other methods to kill myself like to take sleeping pills, to hang myself and to jump from the top of home but every time I can’t. My ideas are failed. I’m too weak to commit such a big decision. But sometimes I really need to do it. I’m tired of my life and there is no hope, not any special thing and like nothin
