Chapter 4

It was silence between us, again, as we didn't have anything else to say before Elliot got up and turned to me, “Come on.” he said as he pulled out his car keys from his pocket.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I stood up to follow him.

“Just to get some fresh air,” he said as he opened the door and I locked it behind me.

We walked towards his car and we began to head out once I buckled myself in. I didn't mind not knowing where we were going, but at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was even interested in wanting to go anywhere since I still didn’t know the area. I sighed as I looked out the window and realized that we came to a park after he pulled into the parking lot. We got out when he parked and I zipped up my jacket as I felt the cool breeze once stepping outside. Honestly, it was refreshing feeling being outside after I’ve kept myself in my room and getting a little bit of sun.

“I haven't gone to the park for a while…” I said as we walked over to an empty picnic table and sat down.

“Well, it'll be a nice outing and maybe we can get lunch before taking you back home,” Elliot said as he sat down across from me.

It got quiet between us again and I had to look away to distract myself as I tried to figure out what to say. What am I supposed to say? I don’t really know how to hold a conversation and I’m sure anything that I say would just come out gloomy.

“So, I honestly know how it feels to be distant with people and to struggle. I’ve had my own share of trauma as well after my dad died when I was seven years old.” Elliot said, bringing my attention back to him.

“I'm sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say.

“It's okay. This happened years ago. It took me a while to get over it since I was young and it kind of hurt my mom, but it wasn't an accident that killed him. He committed suicide.” He sighed heavily as he looked down at the table. “He was diagnosed with depression and he had a really hard time holding a job. My mom didn't know what to do because he would have episodes and she decided to leave him for my safety.”

I listened as I sat there picking at the end of my jacket.

“He thought he would never see us, me, again so he took a couple of pills and never woke up.” He said as he turned to look at me and straighten up a bit as he inhaled. “Don't take it the wrong way, but yesterday in the bathroom you reminded me of my dad and it made me wonder how he must have felt or what he went through.”

I pressed my lips together as I processed this before looking up at him. “It wasn't your fault about what happened to your dad,” I tell him.

“I know, but I also didn't make it better for how I behaved yesterday,” he said. “I felt like shit after you left and I thought to myself: how can I be so stupid to think I can help you when I don't even know you or know what you have been through that you don't want to be touched.”

It got silent again and I can feel the breeze brushing against my hair.

“I know that you're not like my dad and I don’t know what you went through, but handing me that blade made me wish my dad could have given someone those pills too,” he said after a second of silence. “So thank you, again, for trusting me.”

I nod as I tried to figure out what to say after hearing that. “I want to trust you because of all that we’ve talked about so far, but you shouldn't feel like you have to protect me either if we continue to hang around,” I tell him. “I'm sorry that you had to see me like that, but if we're friends then you might see me act out again and I don't want that to always be upsetting you. I get annoyed with myself when I’m like that too.”

Elliot looked at me and smiled softly, “But wouldn't it be better to have a friend dealing with you instead of being alone?” he asked me.

I took a deep breath and shook my head, “I haven't had a real friend for a while so I don’t know. Everyone in my old school was always nice and helped me out, but they never really bothered taking the time to hang out with me outside of the classroom. I don't even know how to be a friend, honestly.”

“It’s okay. We’re still learning about each other and that’s pretty much how it goes with making friends.” He answered. “Is that fine?”

I nod as I take a deep breath and turn away. “Yeah,” I said and I tried to distract myself by looking around the park.

“Do you want to go already?” He asks.

“Yeah,” I answered shortly.

We got up headed our way back to the car and I wanted to stay outside a little longer, but at the same time, I just wanted to go back to the comfort of my home. The trip back was silent but I think that's because we're still trying to get used to each other and finding out how we can be with each other without making things uncomfortable or awkward. I can tell he's trying and somewhere inside me felt a little happy because I never really had a friend that wanted to get to know me. Once arriving at the house, I got out of the car and fixed my jacket before turning back to him. He was about to get out of the car but I put up my hands to stop him. He doesn't have to follow me everywhere.

“I'll see you tomorrow?” he asked.

I nod, “Yeah.” I answered.

“Seven on the dot. Be out here or I'll be knocking at your door,” he said, smiling.

I know he was joking but imagine him trying to pull me out of the house was giving me a tight feeling on my chest. “Okay.” was all I can say.

Elliot must have noticed my hesitant response and paused for a second. “I'm not going to force you to go to school, Michael. I didn't mean it like that,” he said.

I shook my head, “I know... I know.” I said and tried to give him a small smile. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

He nods, “Tomorrow.” he said.

I made my way to the door and saw that Elliot was there waiting until he saw me unlock the door before driving off. I walked inside, exhaled heavily, as I moved to sit down on the couch and kicked off my shoes. Why did today feel like it was so long when I didn’t do anything? Maybe I was a little stressed out from earlier and the long conversation we had. I closed my eyes as I tried to imagine how it would be tomorrow, but I realized that it would only make me feel nervous so I got up and began cleaning. We still have things in boxes so I started emptying them out and washed the dishes that were wrapped up with newspapers. This occupied my mind for about two hours until my mom came home and she began to cook dinner.

“Thank you for helping, baby,” she said smiling as she saw me folding the empty boxes.

“No problem,” I answered before looking at the old family photo that I took out from the last box.

Mom glanced over at the photo before turning to me. “Do you want to keep that?” she asks.

“Sure. I don't think I actually have a picture with all of us.” I said as I sat down at the dining table still admiring the photo. “Dad looks a little younger here compared to how he looks now,” I say before turning to her. “Are you still mad at him?”

She sighed as she continued on cooking before turning to face me. “Of course I am. I know I wasn’t involved enough, but I trusted him.”

“Dad didn't know...” I mumbled.

“But how could he not see? How could he not have noticed his own son was hurt?” she said, shaking her head.

I took a deep breath before getting up and wrapped my arms around her. “Mom, I forgave you for leaving, but you also have to forgive him as well,” I tell her.

She held me tighter and smiled. “So now you're giving me the advice?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, breaking into a smile.

She looked at me and smiled softly, “I love you.” she tells me.

“I love you too, mom,” I replied back.