It was silence between us, again, as we didn't have anything else to say before Elliot got up and turned to me, “Come on.” he said as he pulled out his car keys from his pocket.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I stood up to follow him.
“Just to get some fresh air,” he said as he opened the door and I locked it behind me.
We walked towards his car and we began to head out once I buckled myself in. I didn't mind not knowing where we were going, but at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was even interested in wanting to go anywhere since I still didn’t know the area. I sighed as I looked out the window and realized that we came to a park after he pulled into the parking lot. We got out when he parked and I zipped up my jacket as I felt the cool breeze once stepping outside. Honestly, it was refreshing feeling being outside after I’ve kept myself in my room and getting a little bit of sun.
“I haven't gone to the park for a while…” I said as we walked over to an empty picnic table and sat down.
“Well, it'll be a nice outing and maybe we can get lunch before taking you back home,” Elliot said as he sat down across from me.
It got quiet between us again and I had to look away to distract myself as I tried to figure out what to say. What am I supposed to say? I don’t really know how to hold a conversation and I’m sure anything that I say would just come out gloomy.
“So, I honestly know how it feels to be distant with people and to struggle. I’ve had my own share of trauma as well after my dad died when I was seven years old.” Elliot said, bringing my attention back to him.
“I'm sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say.
“It's okay. This happened years ago. It took me a while to get over it since I was young and it kind of hurt my mom, but it wasn't an accident that killed him. He committed suicide.” He sighed heavily as he looked down at the table. “He was diagnosed with depression and he had a really hard time holding a job. My mom didn't know what to do because he would have episodes and she decided to leave him for my safety.”
I listened as I sat there picking at the end of my jacket.
“He thought he would never see us, me, again so he took a couple of pills and never woke up.” He said as he turned to look at me and straighten up a bit as he inhaled. “Don't take it the wrong way, but yesterday in the bathroom you reminded me of my dad and it made me wonder how he must have felt or what he went through.”
I pressed my lips together as I processed this before looking up at him. “It wasn't your fault about what happened to your dad,” I tell him.
“I know, but I also didn't make it better for how I behaved yesterday,” he said. “I felt like shit after you left and I thought to myself: how can I be so stupid to think I can help you when I don't even know you or know what you have been through that you don't want to be touched.”
It got silent again and I can feel the breeze brushing against my hair.
“I know that you're not like my dad and I don’t know what you went through, but handing me that blade made me wish my dad could have given someone those pills too,” he said after a second of silence. “So thank you, again, for trusting me.”
I nod as I tried to figure out what to say after hearing that. “I want to trust you because of all that we’ve talked about so far, but you shouldn't feel like you have to protect me either if we continue to hang around,” I tell him. “I'm sorry that you had to see me like that, but if we're friends then you might see me act out again and I don't want that to always be upsetting you. I get annoyed with myself when I’m like that too.”
Elliot looked at me and smiled softly, “But wouldn't it be better to have a friend dealing with you instead of being alone?” he asked me.
I took a deep breath and shook my head, “I haven't had a real friend for a while so I don’t know. Everyone in my old school was always nice and helped me out, but they never really bothered taking the time to hang out with me outside of the classroom. I don't even know how to be a friend, honestly.”
“It’s okay. We’re still learning about each other and that’s pretty much how it goes with making friends.” He answered. “Is that fine?”
I nod as I take a deep breath and turn away. “Yeah,” I said and I tried to distract myself by looking around the park.
“Do you want to go already?” He asks.
“Yeah,” I answered shortly.
We got up headed our way back to the car and I wanted to stay outside a little longer, but at the same time, I just wanted to go back to the comfort of my home. The trip back was silent but I think that's because we're still trying to get used to each other and finding out how we can be with each other without making things uncomfortable or awkward. I can tell he's trying and somewhere inside me felt a little happy because I never really had a friend that wanted to get to know me. Once arriving at the house, I got out of the car and fixed my jacket before turning back to him. He was about to get out of the car but I put up my hands to stop him. He doesn't have to follow me everywhere.
“I'll see you tomorrow?” he asked.
I nod, “Yeah.” I answered.
“Seven on the dot. Be out here or I'll be knocking at your door,” he said, smiling.
I know he was joking but imagine him trying to pull me out of the house was giving me a tight feeling on my chest. “Okay.” was all I can say.
Elliot must have noticed my hesitant response and paused for a second. “I'm not going to force you to go to school, Michael. I didn't mean it like that,” he said.
I shook my head, “I know... I know.” I said and tried to give him a small smile. “I'll see you tomorrow.”
He nods, “Tomorrow.” he said.
I made my way to the door and saw that Elliot was there waiting until he saw me unlock the door before driving off. I walked inside, exhaled heavily, as I moved to sit down on the couch and kicked off my shoes. Why did today feel like it was so long when I didn’t do anything? Maybe I was a little stressed out from earlier and the long conversation we had. I closed my eyes as I tried to imagine how it would be tomorrow, but I realized that it would only make me feel nervous so I got up and began cleaning. We still have things in boxes so I started emptying them out and washed the dishes that were wrapped up with newspapers. This occupied my mind for about two hours until my mom came home and she began to cook dinner.
“Thank you for helping, baby,” she said smiling as she saw me folding the empty boxes.
“No problem,” I answered before looking at the old family photo that I took out from the last box.
Mom glanced over at the photo before turning to me. “Do you want to keep that?” she asks.
“Sure. I don't think I actually have a picture with all of us.” I said as I sat down at the dining table still admiring the photo. “Dad looks a little younger here compared to how he looks now,” I say before turning to her. “Are you still mad at him?”
She sighed as she continued on cooking before turning to face me. “Of course I am. I know I wasn’t involved enough, but I trusted him.”
“Dad didn't know...” I mumbled.
“But how could he not see? How could he not have noticed his own son was hurt?” she said, shaking her head.
I took a deep breath before getting up and wrapped my arms around her. “Mom, I forgave you for leaving, but you also have to forgive him as well,” I tell her.
She held me tighter and smiled. “So now you're giving me the advice?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, breaking into a smile.
She looked at me and smiled softly, “I love you.” she tells me.
“I love you too, mom,” I replied back.
I woke up around five-thirty in the morning and slowly got out of bed to grab some clean clothes trying to find something comfortable to wear. I felt a little calmer compared to two days ago, but that anxiety is still there when I think about my day and I'm trying hard to not freak out just yet. I tried taking deep breaths as I’m getting myself ready and during that time I’m playing with the rubber band on my wrist trying to calm myself down a bit. Mom left me breakfast on the stove before leaving to work and I was standing at the door after I ate. It's only been a couple of minutes before seven and I checked my backpack to see if I had everything; checked if I had my house keys in my pocket and double-checked if I turned off the lights in my room. I finally stepped outside and made my way when I saw Elliot already there.“How long have you been waiting?” I asked.He shrugged his shoulders, “Five minutes, maybe.” he said before smili
“I didn't mean to…” I said quietly.David was about to walk over to me when someone reached out to grab his shoulder and pulled him back. “Everything okay?”I looked up and saw Elliot; it gave me such a relieving feeling as I saw him.David looked at Elliot before shrugging off his hand, “Everything's fine.” he answered back.“Well, you better go then,” he tells him and David slowly started to walk away.David took a last look over and we made eye contact, but I turned away quickly.“Thanks…” I said as I moved to pick up the books from the ground.“No problem. I was trying to figure out where you went off to,” he said as he moved to sit on the chair beside me.I looked at the books for a second before putting them on the table and I no longer feel like working on my assignment anymore. “He’s kind of…” I said but I didn
The rest of the week went by much easier with only a few problems that weren't so hard to deal with and my anxiety towards school began to ease. Elliot has been coming by to pick me up every morning and after school, he brings me home; which seemed like a routine for us now. David has also kept his distance in class and I was more relieved by that because I wasn't ready to have a bully messing with me while I'm still adjusting. Jennifer helped me during class when I needed it and I finally decided on taking her offer for the tutoring sessions as well. It would help me catch up in class and not lower my grades and it also helps me be more social.Saturday finally came, Elliot and I are planning to go out, but we haven't planned on what we are going to do for the day. In a way, I was really nervous because I didn't know where we were going or how crowded the place would be or will I have any problems getting around. It's barely ten in the morning and Elliot said he was going to
“What do you want to do?” He asked me.“I’m fine,” I tell him. “Let’s just keep going.”Elliot nodded as we started walking, but Elliot stayed beside me and he led me towards the restaurant he was talking about. We took a seat in a booth that overlooked both the ocean and the beach and we both stayed quiet as we looked at the menu they handed us. The menu was mostly seafood and I didn’t mind it because I always liked a few seafood items. He put his menu down as if he already knew what to order and glanced a look at me.“Are you hungry?” Elliot asked, breaking the silence.I took a deep breath and nodded, “Yeah, I can eat.” I said trying to compose myself.He nods as a server came to our table and asked the type of drinks we wanted.“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.I turned away, distracting myself by looking at the ocean, and tried to fi
A couple of days passed, I was able to go to the tutoring sessions with Jennifer, but I kept my distance with the other students. The help kept me up to date with work assignments and in no time I finally understood the questions in my homework. I still felt nervous about going to my classes and I haven't had the chance to get to know anyone in the classroom but at the moment I didn’t find it so important. Elliot still came by and he returned to being a teacher's aid in Ms. Lang's class so he stopped sitting beside me. I didn't mind it because Jennifer helped me when I needed it, but it also reminds me that I shouldn't be dependent on him because of the challenges I faced. The only problem I have is David; always trying to bump me whenever he has the chance and every time he does I always tend to freeze up, but I can't tell that to Elliot.He wasn't doing much besides pushing me slightly when he bumps me on the shoulder, but I hate it whenever he does this. It disgusts
I paused a bit before walking back to our spot and sat down again. We were quiet for a bit before I sigh and lay back on the blanket. I tried to figure out what to say to break our silence, I looked at the sky before closing my eyes and ran my fingers over the top of my head, feeling the curls of my hair.“I don't want to tell you,” I said finally. “I don't want to tell anyone about it. All that happened was terrible and I remember it almost every day. My parents didn't know about it until it sent me to the hospital and to see their faces afterward…”“You don't have to tell me..." Elliot said turning to me.I sighed as I knew more or less how this conversation was going to go ended and I glanced over at him. “Don't you ever think about all that happened with your dad and doesn’t it ever affect you?” I asked.He squinted his brow as he thought about it before he shrugged his shoulders. “It did be
I slowly got up and we walked back to collect the blanket, thankful that we were done for today. I didn't want to continue the conversation because I didn't know how I could after what I said and I don't think he was ready to hear the rest. I wasn’t ready to have a serious conversation and to see his reaction afterward. I haven't said Chris's name in a while and I didn't think I would be this comfortable to talk about him; sort of. I wasn't too sure if it was good to talk about the past because now I’m having flashbacks of events that I tried to forget and I had to watch Elliot distract myself before letting these thoughts get the best of me. We walked back to the car and it was still silent so I thought maybe I had to say something before it was too late.“I'm sorry,” I said.“For what?” he asked.“I feel like you're mad about what I said,” I said.“I'm not mad,” he answered.I looked dow
I finally made it to school with a good ten minutes to spare so I went over to the library to drop off the books that I checked out and made my way upstairs towards my first-period class. When I walked into the room I didn't see Elliot so I walked over to my desk and waited for Jennifer to come to sit beside me. A lot of the people in the class have gotten used to the seating around me and they hardly ever spoke a word to me unless we're passing around worksheets or asking small questions. I pulled out my notebook for the class and was trying to figure out what to say to Elliot when I saw him later on in the day, but I couldn't think of what I wanted to say to him or what to explain. Was there anything for me to say? Do I owe him an explanation?Elliot came in, instantly turned to look over at me, but I kept my head down and pretended I was writing in my notebook. He was about to make his way over when the bell rang and he stopped to go over to his seat by the teacher’s