Chapter 8

“What do you want to do?” He asked me.

“I’m fine,” I tell him. “Let’s just keep going.”

Elliot nodded as we started walking, but Elliot stayed beside me and he led me towards the restaurant he was talking about. We took a seat in a booth that overlooked both the ocean and the beach and we both stayed quiet as we looked at the menu they handed us. The menu was mostly seafood and I didn’t mind it because I always liked a few seafood items. He put his menu down as if he already knew what to order and glanced a look at me.

“Are you hungry?” Elliot asked, breaking the silence.

I took a deep breath and nodded, “Yeah, I can eat.” I said trying to compose myself.

He nods as a server came to our table and asked the type of drinks we wanted.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

I turned away, distracting myself by looking at the ocean, and tried to find the words. “I got scared.” I finally said. “I started thinking and it got over my head that I just started freaking out.”

“What scared you?”

“Everything,” I answered and I didn’t say anything for a second then I turned to him. “I felt so suffocated when we were walking and I hate how it feels when people shove past you in both ways. I started to feel like everything was closing in on me. I wanted to go home. In my mind, I felt stupid for coming out and that I wasn’t ready for this. I felt like everyone was looking at me and I had a hard time breathing.”

I tried to explain without rushing myself.

“I hate that I can be fine for a minute and the next my mind tries to think of a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t leave my house.”

Elliot didn’t say anything after I finished talking and the server came by to our table again to leave us our drinks.

I watched her walk away and I reached for my cup to take a sip.

“I didn’t know that’s how it feels...” He said.

“It’s not the same for everyone. I’m kind of mad at myself that that happened.” I said and turned to him. “I mean, I should have expected something like this to happen but I was only hoping that it wouldn’t.”

“Hey, don't put yourself down like that,” Elliot tells me. “I know I don't have a true understanding of all of this that you go through, but if that ever happens when I'm around then just call me instead of running away. I thought I lost you for a second and I actually panicked too.”

“...I'm sorry.”

“No, I'm not saying it to make you feel guilty. I just meant that you can come to me instead of hiding away. It might not be safe for you if you go somewhere that could be dangerous.” He said.

I thought about this for a second before nodding. “Okay,” I said, glancing over at him. “Thanks.”

“My mom was worried about me coming out today... She was worried about you not knowing what to do if something like that happened and you actually handled it well than we both expected, but I've also had it worse than that.” I said.

Elliot nodded as he ran his hand over the top of his head. “I don't really blame her. I was really worried as well, but I know you didn't want to bring it up or think about it.” He said. “I was trying to find places that you wouldn't have to worry about and guessing what you’d be comfortable with, but that doesn't mean it'll always be bad.”

I sat back in my seat and looked over at the ocean as I was thinking about everything before I turned to him. “I like quiet places, but I also want to try new places that I've never been to. I want to go out hiking and go swimming during the summer. I hate crowds, I can't handle roller-coasters, and I wish I could go to a concert but I don't go because of how crowded it gets.” I tell him.

“Well, I like hiking and swimming too. Concerts are fun, but I hate the crowd too. People are shoulder to shoulder and it gets hot... It's gross.” he said. “I love to cook, but sometimes I'm too lazy to make myself food unless it's for family. I also want to travel. Getting the chance to go around the world; see things that are different or things that we don't have here."

“I wish I could travel…” I mumbled.

“You should consider it later on after high school. I've gone to a few places with my family and I’ve always enjoyed them. I say, make a list of things to do or places to see, wherever you go, and make sure that someday you can cross them off.” he said.

“Someday, maybe,” I said and the server came by our table to leave us our food.

“Come on, let's eat so we can try to walk around before it gets late,” Elliot said and we both started to eat our meal.

After our meal, we walked around the pier and the crowd slowly started to grow so we moved ourselves to walk down a pathway along the beach. We were quiet for a while just simply enjoying the view of the ocean, seeing the sun slowly setting, and the people still swimming or surfing in the water. I paused for a bit to look and Elliot paused beside me as he waited before we started walking again. I don't remember how long we walked until we had to turn back around to walk over to his car and by the time we returned the crowd eased.

“Elliot, what do you usually do with your friends?” I asked him, curiously. “I doubt a lot of guys you know to enjoy these types of hang-outs.”

Elliot chuckled, “Yeah, they kind of don't. Unless there are girls involved or a bonfire or something then we’ll come here to hang out.” he said as he unlocked his car. “They are more of the 'bro' type. Video games, eating lots of pizza, and work-out.”

“Hmm, I don't mind the first two, but I’m not the athletic type,” I said.

“That's fine. I wasn't either until I tried out for volleyball. Actually I don't know why I even joined the team.” he said, thoughtfully.

“Did you even like watching sports?”

“Sometimes, but it was mostly basketball or soccer,” he answered.

"Why didn't you try it out?"

“I wasn't interested.”

I laughed. “Alright.”

“I think I only did it because my older brother played a sport and I think my parents were expecting me to play as well,” he said as he started to drive once we were all buckled. “My mom remarried after my dad’s passing and my stepdad has a son three years older than me.”

“And were they excited about it?” I asked.

“Um, it seems like they don't mind. My mom is the only one that comes to my games.” He said. “My dad is a workaholic and my brother ended up going to college a couple of hours away so we hardly see him.”

I nod as I thought about this before turning to him. “Then why still play it? It doesn't seem like you had to do it.” I said.

He shrugs his shoulder, “I know. I kind of realized that after a while, but I'm not so bad of a player so I thought I might as well stay on the team.” he said.

“Are there any games coming up?” I asked.

“Yeah, actually. We have our first game of the season in three weeks; which means I might not be in gym class when we have 'away' games.” he said turning to me. “But I'm sure you'll be okay, right?”

“Oh, yeah. Don't worry about me. I'm already doing better in class now and I'll also be going to tutoring sessions with Jennifer this coming week." I reassured him. "You have to let me know when you have any games at the school. I want to come to see you play.”

“Yeah? Alright. I'll let you know. It'll be awesome if you can make it.” He said and after a couple of minutes, we finally arrived at my place.

I got out of the car and leaned against the open window. “Thanks... Thanks for taking me out and sorry about that whole…”

“Let's forget what happened. Everything else was fun and it's been a while since I've gone out with a friend.” He said. “If you rather we just chill by playing video games and eat a whole box of pizza then we can always do that next time.”

I smiled, “I honestly don't even mind that.” I said.

Elliot drove off soon after and I made my way inside to see my mom watching television in the living room. She looked over at me as I locked the door then walked over to sit beside her and sighed as I started taking off my shoes. We didn't say anything as we sat there for a while before I leaned over to her and rested my head on her shoulder feeling tired.

“So, how was it?” she finally asked.

“Good,” I answered.

"Just good?" she asks.

“It was fun,” I said as I stared at the screen before sitting up. “It was all fine, but I did have a panic attack and I freaked out when I felt like you were right after you told me today.”

“Honey, I didn't mean for that to worry you,” she said, frowning.

“But you were right. You were right to say that I wasn't ready, but that also means I should try and not always limit myself when I go out. I told myself that I want to get better so that means I have to also step out of my comfort zone if I want to do that.” I tell her.

“But you should also limit yourself so you don’t get yourself sick again,” she warned.

“I know, mom,” I mumbled.

She sighed as she reached for my hand and held it. “I was thinking of setting up an appointment with a therapist... I know you were kind of against it, but it doesn't hurt seeing one at least once a week or two,” she said.

I sighed as I thought about it before turning to her. “Let me think about it,” I said. “I know I should, but I still don't want to see one just yet.”

She nods, “But consider it.”

“Yes, mom,” I said before getting up. “I'm going to bed.”