A couple of days passed, I was able to go to the tutoring sessions with Jennifer, but I kept my distance with the other students. The help kept me up to date with work assignments and in no time I finally understood the questions in my homework. I still felt nervous about going to my classes and I haven't had the chance to get to know anyone in the classroom but at the moment I didn’t find it so important. Elliot still came by and he returned to being a teacher's aid in Ms. Lang's class so he stopped sitting beside me. I didn't mind it because Jennifer helped me when I needed it, but it also reminds me that I shouldn't be dependent on him because of the challenges I faced. The only problem I have is David; always trying to bump me whenever he has the chance and every time he does I always tend to freeze up, but I can't tell that to Elliot.
He wasn't doing much besides pushing me slightly when he bumps me on the shoulder, but I hate it whenever he does this. It disgusts me and it leaves a lingering burning sensation that stays with me. Having someone touch you without permission and that tingling feeling that gives you chills in the back of your neck. I woke up one morning after staying up late to do my English essay, but for some reason, I didn't want to leave. It wasn't because I was being lazy or tired, but I just didn't want to leave and I lay there quietly staring at the light coming from my window. After about ten minutes, I finally got out of bed to change and put on my shoes then made my way outside. I got in the car after Elliot came by and I sat there staring outside after we greeted each other.
“So, we finally got our schedule for the season. We're going to have our first match on Tuesday at the gym if you still want to come by,” he said.
“Mhm,” I said as I put the window up. “I'll go.”
“Alright. Maybe we can go out to eat afterward.” he continued. “Usually the guys all hang out and go to the burger joint a couple of blocks from here, but we don't have to join them.”
“Alright," I said as I saw that we finally came to the parking lot and got out after he parked.
“Are you okay Michael?” he asked as he followed beside me.
I turned to him and shrugged. “I don't feel so well,” I confessed.
“Are you getting sick?”
I shook my head, “No…” I answered before turning to him. “I'll be fine. I think I just didn't wake up on the right side of the bed if you know what I mean.”
He nods before reaching out to grab my shoulder to stop me, “If you don't feel that well just tell me. I can always take you to the nurse’s office.” he said.
“It's not that severe,” I said.
“You sure?”
I nod before I started walking and we were both quiet until we came to the classroom. I went to my desk without saying another word to Elliot. I decided to keep to myself in class today without having to bother Jennifer with the assignment and once class was over I left without saying anything to Elliot. Maybe it was wrong of me to keep a distance from them, but I also didn't feel like talking today. The classes went by fast only because I stared mostly at my textbook and during lunch, I kept myself hidden sitting on the bleachers at the football field. By the time it was time for the gym, I saw Elliot waiting for me by the door outside the locker room and I took a small breath before walking to him.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hi. Do you want to walk around the track? It seems like it'll be a free period for the gym today so everyone is just on their own.” he said.
“Where are the teachers?” I asked.
“They got called for an emergency meeting in the gym.”
“Alright,” I answered.
We both started walking around the track in silence and I slowly started to get annoyed with myself that I stopped walking. “Let's sit for a bit,” I asked.
We moved over to an empty spot on the field and I waited until we were both comfortable.
“I didn't mean to avoid you all day or seem like I was annoyed or any of that.” I started off.
“I know. It's fine.”
“You say it's fine, but I don't think it is. I'm sorry.” I said. “I think things have been getting to me and my mom suggested seeing a therapist. Maybe I should.”
“If you want to,” he said. “Maybe it can help you when you have days like today.”
I sighed as I rubbed the back of my neck. “I know, but I just don't feel comfortable talking about how things make me feel and having me reflect on the past,” I said.
“Wouldn't that be the purpose of it?” he asked.
“It is, but I hate being reminded of the past. I hate all that happened and I never want anything like that to happen again. It just makes me sick and I’m tired of being sick.” I said.
“Which is also fine.” Elliot cut me off as he reached out to grab my shoulder. “It's fine that you are remembering all that because it's about having to accept and grow from it. Accept that it happened, but to also remember that you didn't cause any of it.”
“It’s hard just trying to accept it because I try so hard to hide from it or push it aside like it never happened. It’s so hard to just have that all sink in.” I said and took a deep breath trying to control my emotions.
“I had to deal with something similar when my dad passed away. I know my mom blamed herself about his suicide and there were times when I blamed myself while also blaming her too.” He tells me. “It eats away and leaves you with so many difficult emotions.”
I didn't say anything as I understood what he meant and I turned to him after I gave myself a second to think of what to say. “And how did you deal with it?” I asked him.
“Just talked it out with my mom. Then my stepdad came to the picture and that was another difficult challenge too.” He said. “It's okay to have your off days, but also remember that you can't separate yourself from everyone because that will also eat you away. I'm sure you know that.”
I nod, “I know…”
He was quite right. He turned to me, “Feeling a little better?” he asks.
I ran my fingers over the top of my head before turning to him, “A bit.” I answered.
“That's good.” He said and looked around the field before turning to me. “Hey, do you need to go back home right away after school?”
I shook my head, “No.”
“How about we go somewhere?” he asked.
“Where?”
“Somewhere. Anywhere. It kind of doesn't matter.” he said and shrugged his shoulder. “You're in a funk so why not go somewhere to relieve whatever that's been stressing you out.”
“It's not always that easy to just stop feeling like this,” I said as I shook my head. “But, yeah, I don't mind going out."
“Cool. Well, after changing we'll head out,” he said.
After a couple of minutes, we returned back to the locker room to change once class was over then met up again outside. For a second I was having second thoughts about going out, but at the same time, I was curious to see where he would want to go. I sighed as I waited until he came out since I changed right away after going to my locker and we headed our way towards the parking lot. I paused for a second before getting in the car and we headed out once we were ready. I sat there listening to the soft music playing in the background and I looked out the window seeing the area we were passing by.
“Where exactly are we going?” I asked.
“The beach. Where we went to when we went out Saturday,” he answered.
I nod and sat back, "Alright.” I said.
“You don't want to go there? We can always go somewhere else if you want,” he said.
“No, no, it's fine. I don't mind going to the beach.” I said.
“Good because I wouldn't know any other place to go.” He said with a chuckle.
“Whatever happened to pizza and video games?”
“No, that's for another day.” He said.
I turned away to look out the window and I was able to see the ocean coming into view as we got closer. “It's actually a nice day to come,” I comment.
“Yeah, luckily this time I have a blanket in my trunk so we can use it and we can chill out there for a while,” he said as he came to a parking lot and started looking for an empty spot to park.
We got out of the car, leaving our school bags behind, and after grabbing the large blanket we started walking towards the oceanfront to find a nice spot to sit at. There were hardly any people around aside from a family, a couple of people running in the sand, and people already in the water. I sat down once we laid out the blanket and I stared at the water feeling the cool breeze hitting my face; actually tasting the salt in the air from the ocean. I let myself relax while Elliot took off his jacket and moved to lay on the blanket. I felt myself relax as I watched the water rising and crashing into each other making it feel a bit mesmerized while I was also a bit lost in my thoughts.
“I'm going to visit my dad in two weeks and I haven't seen him since I decided to live with my mom,” I said quietly that I wasn't too sure if Elliot heard me.
He didn't say anything before I could hear him sitting up. “How long ago was that?” he asked.
“I haven't seen him for a year,” I answered. “I was in the hospital, I was still under his care and once I was released I decided to live with my mom.”
“Were you seeing your mom while living with your dad?”
“No. My mom divorced my dad because she wasn’t happy with their marriage and I had blamed her for leaving me with my dad so I tried to not see her for a while until she stopped asking to see me.” I answered.
“But you two seem close…”
“Now we are. It took time and she had to join me in my therapy sessions which is how we got closer because she had to know everything that happened,” I explained. “That led to her opening up and we just talked it all through and we came to an understanding between us. I like our relationship now and she tries to understand me.”
“That's good. When I saw her on your first day you can tell how much she cared,” he says. “She wanted details on what happened and was trying to advise us on what to do.”
I nod and said, “She can be serious about it all when I have my episodes.”
“And what about your dad?” he asked, curiously.
“He's actually not a bad person. He was a little too obsessed with his work once I started middle school and he thought I could take care of myself more. He cares and he tried to be more involved after I left the hospital, but mom wanted to have more time with me before I saw him again. I wasn’t ready to see him right away either.” I said.
He nods and we both look out to the water almost forgetting that we are at the beach.
“Well, it seems like both your parents are good people,” he said.
I nod before turning to him. “They are... They weren't the ones that made me like this if that’s what you were curious about.” I said as I can see Elliot wanted to say something, but I quickly stood up. "I'm going for a walk.”
I began to walk closer to the shoreline, watching the water reach my feet with each wave. I had to take a deep breath, feeling a bit anxious after our conversation. I made sure to take a long walk to shake off that feeling before making my way back.
I paused a bit before walking back to our spot and sat down again. We were quiet for a bit before I sigh and lay back on the blanket. I tried to figure out what to say to break our silence, I looked at the sky before closing my eyes and ran my fingers over the top of my head, feeling the curls of my hair.“I don't want to tell you,” I said finally. “I don't want to tell anyone about it. All that happened was terrible and I remember it almost every day. My parents didn't know about it until it sent me to the hospital and to see their faces afterward…”“You don't have to tell me..." Elliot said turning to me.I sighed as I knew more or less how this conversation was going to go ended and I glanced over at him. “Don't you ever think about all that happened with your dad and doesn’t it ever affect you?” I asked.He squinted his brow as he thought about it before he shrugged his shoulders. “It did be
I slowly got up and we walked back to collect the blanket, thankful that we were done for today. I didn't want to continue the conversation because I didn't know how I could after what I said and I don't think he was ready to hear the rest. I wasn’t ready to have a serious conversation and to see his reaction afterward. I haven't said Chris's name in a while and I didn't think I would be this comfortable to talk about him; sort of. I wasn't too sure if it was good to talk about the past because now I’m having flashbacks of events that I tried to forget and I had to watch Elliot distract myself before letting these thoughts get the best of me. We walked back to the car and it was still silent so I thought maybe I had to say something before it was too late.“I'm sorry,” I said.“For what?” he asked.“I feel like you're mad about what I said,” I said.“I'm not mad,” he answered.I looked dow
I finally made it to school with a good ten minutes to spare so I went over to the library to drop off the books that I checked out and made my way upstairs towards my first-period class. When I walked into the room I didn't see Elliot so I walked over to my desk and waited for Jennifer to come to sit beside me. A lot of the people in the class have gotten used to the seating around me and they hardly ever spoke a word to me unless we're passing around worksheets or asking small questions. I pulled out my notebook for the class and was trying to figure out what to say to Elliot when I saw him later on in the day, but I couldn't think of what I wanted to say to him or what to explain. Was there anything for me to say? Do I owe him an explanation?Elliot came in, instantly turned to look over at me, but I kept my head down and pretended I was writing in my notebook. He was about to make his way over when the bell rang and he stopped to go over to his seat by the teacher’s
I explained to her, with some details of the event, and she soon made a phone call on my emergency card seeing that I was fit to go home. My mom arrived after twenty minutes of passing and we walked quietly to the car unsure of what to say to each other. We got in the car and drove to the house when I noticed that she wasn't getting out of the car with me.“You're going back to work?” I asked.“Yeah, I only asked for a break. Are you going to be okay?” she asked.I nod, “Yeah... I'm sorry about all that.” I said.“It's okay, honey. We can talk more about it when I get back,” she said.I went inside and locked the door behind me, not bothering to turn on the lights as I walked over to my room. I lay down on my bed after putting my backpack down at the door and I pulled the cover over myself taking a deep breath as I tried to go to sleep. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep, I felt like I
I lay there quietly and knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep so easily and I knew that I would be up a little longer than I would want to. I wasn't too sure how long time had passed and if he was asleep or not because it was too quiet. I shifted as I tried to get comfortable and I finally yawned, showing that I was growing tired. Thinking about it, it was nice of him to come by and to check on me as well. But I felt like he had to because of what happened earlier today and it wasn't a situation that can be ignored so lightly as well. Maybe he was worried that I would do something and he only came by because he wanted to keep an eye on me. These thoughts were only getting me upset so I sighed and tried to ignore everything that I was thinking about. I had to try and sleep or I'll be up all night trying to pick a battle with these thoughts that I'm having. I can't be doing this to myself.I didn't wake up until morning at the usual time I woke up for school and I turned
I paused as I tried to find out what to say and shifted myself to face him, “It happened five years ago and it wasn't Chris who started all this. I was a little insecure about my sexuality when I was young and I was trying to figure myself out because I was confused about why I was having these crushes on a boy in my class. Why was I liking my friend a little more than I do compare to my other friends? Why did I only want his attention and want him to smile at me when he sees me? What was that supposed to mean?” I said as I tried to explain it to him. “And for a second I wondered if I liked him more than a friend... But that was bad if anyone found out.”“Why?”I looked at him, “You know how bullies can be. They'll be calling you 'faggot' and 'pussy boy'. I remembered them calling a boy 'gay' before I even knew what that meant and I was scared to be called that.” I said. “I slowly became cautious about myself and I
“I apologize to pull you out of work, but it seemed like a topic that we could not pass.”I was sitting in one of the leather chairs in the principal office and my dad was sitting in the other chair beside me. He was wearing his work uniform and he didn't have the kindest expression on his face, I’ve never seen him like this; which I knew meant that he would rather be at work than here. I looked down at my hand as I couldn't help feeling the pounding of my heart and I didn't know where to focus. I was sitting in the office for over thirty minutes and most of the ten minutes were in silence before my dad came. I tried hard to not move or make any noise so I wouldn't be disturbing anyone. At the age of twelve, it feels like anything I say or do will get me more in trouble than I have to be.“Well, I would like to know what is going on first because all I heard was that my son was disturbing the class and that another kid was also suspended for har
I followed him outside to the car and once again I took a seat in the back. I still couldn't bring myself to look at him or even sit beside him after all that happened. The ride to school was quiet as well and after he dropped me off; all he said was that he was expecting me to be ready to pick me up when school was over. I walked over to my classroom and of course, almost everyone in my class was watching me. I quietly walked over to my desk and sat down trying to avoid anyone who was staring at me. I was about to pull out my book when three boys from my class walked up to my desk and I froze unsure of what to do.“Hey, cry-baby, I heard you got Kevin suspended cause you were being a cry-baby.” one of the boys said and the others laughed.“So that must be true that you like boys, huh?” the other one said.I turned up to them. “No,” I said quickly.“That's so nasty. I heard gays die faster just by kissing each oth