Chapter 7

The rest of the week went by much easier with only a few problems that weren't so hard to deal with and my anxiety towards school began to ease. Elliot has been coming by to pick me up every morning and after school, he brings me home; which seemed like a routine for us now. David has also kept his distance in class and I was more relieved by that because I wasn't ready to have a bully messing with me while I'm still adjusting. Jennifer helped me during class when I needed it and I finally decided on taking her offer for the tutoring sessions as well. It would help me catch up in class and not lower my grades and it also helps me be more social.

Saturday finally came, Elliot and I are planning to go out, but we haven't planned on what we are going to do for the day. In a way, I was really nervous because I didn't know where we were going or how crowded the place would be or will I have any problems getting around. It's barely ten in the morning and Elliot said he was going to come by at two in the afternoon so I had enough time to get myself ready. I could tell that my mother was worried, but I know she was trying to not show how concerned she was and helped by picking out a shirt for me to wear.

“I really like Elliot. He's such a nice kid.” She said smiling as she tried to comb my hair, but I tried to fix it myself.

“Mom, I can get myself ready. It's not like I'm going on a date or prom.” I told her as I moved to sit on my bed. “And I know he is.”

She smiled as she sat beside me, “You just never went out with your other friends at your old school so I'm just excited for you. It seems like you are adjusting well and it's nice, but I just can't help being worried.” she tells me.

“I know. I actually feel the same way, but everything has been fine.” I said, trying to reassure her. “Everything is going to progress and they said that I can't always have good days, but that doesn't mean that I'll always have the bad days as well.”

She nods, “Yes, I remember your doctor telling me that.” she mumbled.

“Mom, is it okay that I don't have to come back at nine? I promise that I will be fine and we won't be out too late.” I said and I can tell that she would disagree with my request. “I haven't gone out with friends like this since... since I came to live with you.”

“Honey, I know I sound like I'm babying you, but I just don't want to risk it. I want to trust you, but I can't when I know that you might end up having a panic attack or an episode,” she said frowning. “What if you have an episode as you did in the school bathroom?”

I paused for a second and remembered my reaction from that day. “I know that was bad... I have been fine the whole week though.” I said.

“But that's just been for a week. You haven't really gone outside alone for a while and especially on a weekend where there are more people outside,” she said. “I can't protect you out there and Elliot is too young to know what to do if something were to happen.”

I bit my bottom lip for a second before I finally nod, “Okay…” I said, giving in. “I understand.”

“I'm sorry,” she said quietly.

“No, you're right and I shouldn't push myself when I'm not sure if I'm ready,” I said as I reached to grab my shoes to put them on and stood up to walk to the restroom. “I'll be back.”

“Honey…” my mom called.

I closed the door behind me before leaning against the sink taking a deep breath before turning on the faucet to wash my face and I knew she was right, but I also didn't want to feel restricted as well because of my condition while I was already aware of the possibilities of what could happen. Maybe she was right about Elliot not knowing how to control me if I do have an episode or what if he's not around when it happens. I felt a tightness in my chest at these thoughts and now I've become nervous that I wasn't too sure if I should be going out. These thoughts begin to run over in head of the 'if' or 'maybe' and 'what if this happens'. Maybe Mom shouldn’t have said that because I wasn’t thinking about these problems before.

“Michael.”

I turn to the door after hearing my mom call me. “Yeah?” I mumbled quietly.

“Are you okay? You've been in there for ten minutes,” she asked.

I glanced at myself in the mirror before taking a deep breath. “I'm fine,” I said and walked over to open the door. “I'm okay.”

“I didn't mean to upset you,” she said as she reached out to hug me.

“I know, mom,” I said and turned to her. “I guess I was too excited that I wasn't being realistic.”

It was quiet for a second before I turned to her and gave her a smile. “I should start heading outside,” I said, giving her a kiss on her cheek and making my way back to my room.

“Here,” she began to reach for her wallet.

“It's okay, mom. I still have money.” I said as I grabbed my jacket.

“Are you sure?" she asks.

“Yeah, Dad did a transfer two days ago so I'm good,” I told her and we both walked over to the door. “Okay, I'm leaving.”

“Michael.”

I turn to her after opening the door, “Yeah?”

“Be back by ten-thirty,” she said after taking a deep breath. “Not midnight, not eleven or eleven-thirty.”

I smiled, “Okay. Thank you.” I said and she closed the door behind me as I made my way to the sidewalk to wait.

Elliot came by after a couple of minutes and I finally sat beside him in the passenger seat in his car turning to him, “So where are we going?” I asked him.

“Well, for now, I was thinking of the movies. Is that fine?” he asked as he sat back in his seat and waited before we started to head out.

“I don't mind the movies,” I answered.

“It's two in the afternoon so the theater is empty compared to the night,” he said as he finally set his car to drive.

I nod, “That's fine with me. I wasn't too sure what to expect, but I'm fine with that and I actually like going to the movie theater. ” I tell him.

“Well, I actually had a hard time trying to think of things to do. Things are a bit of a drive around here, depending on where you want to go, so I tried to figure out what was close by,” he said and it didn't take so long for us to arrive at the theater.

I wasn't expecting too much at the movies after arriving. We bought tickets to see a new release action film, went in line to buy some popcorn and drinks, then made our way to find our seats. The movie was so good that I almost forgot how nervous I was and simply enjoyed the film. The movie lasts almost two hours and we started making our way out as we talked excitedly about the movie. It’s been a while since I could talk about films and shared my favorite scenes that I forgot how normal this is supposed to be. We went back to the car and once again we were on the road to a new direction.

“So, where next?” I asked, curiously.

“Um, I was thinking of the pier. There’s a good restaurant where we can eat and it’s always been one of my favorite places to go to.” He tells me.

I nod, “Alright.” I said.

“So, do you miss your other school?” He asks me.

“Not really. I liked my old school and I had some friends, but I think I was only making myself comfortable enough to only tolerate it.” I tell him. “Like, I was told to be friends with everyone but I can tell they didn't like me too much or they were forced to talk to me only because of my condition. Honestly, that’s what I thought of you when you told me that they wanted you to be with me in Ms. Lang’s class; besides you being a student aid for your elective and assisting the students.”

“Yeah, I can understand that,” he said, thoughtfully.

“I can say I had some close friends, but I doubt they’ll contact me again,” I tell him.

“Why?”

“Come on, I’m not that fun of a person,” I said.

“I think you are. You're a lot kinder compared to all the guys at the school.” He said and chuckled. “Kinder compared to David.”

I smiled and said, “I think anyone is nice compared to David.”

We laughed and within a couple of minutes, we finally arrived at the beach. I watched the waves for a bit, mesmerized, before following Elliot to the path leading up to the pier. There was a cool breeze, you can taste the sea salt in the air, and the sun was over our heads. We were quiet as we walked but it wasn’t that uncomfortable feeling anymore and we both seemed to be enjoying the small walk. We finally came to the pier and it was a bit crowded, but I took a deep breath as I followed Elliot trying not to let myself overthink.

Crowds weren’t always so difficult, but I didn’t like the discomfort of bumping into people or the crowd growing because it gives me that suffocating feeling like they are closing in on me. I wouldn’t be able to move like I’m frozen. People would end up staring at me with an expression of annoyance and I wind up being a fish out of water having a hard time trying to breathe. I paused for a bit as I took a deep breath trying to not let myself panic and I couldn’t call out to Elliot to wait for me since he was walking ahead of me. My mind was so overwhelmed that I had to step aside a bit and reach for the rubber band on my wrist and start to play with it for a distraction. I need something to help settle my mind.

“Michael?” I can hear Elliot calling for me, but I turned away from him and tried to focus on my breathing.

“Michael,” I heard my name closer this time until I felt his hands touch my shoulder. “Hey, I thought I lost you.”

“Give me a second,” I said quietly as I still turned away from him and closed my eyes.

Why do I want to go home and be back in my room where it’s always a comfort to me rather than having to be here right now. Maybe my mom was right and I just wasn’t ready to go out, but will I ever be? I finally turn to Elliot after a couple of minutes has passed and I see him handing me a cold water bottle that just suddenly appeared in his hand. Did he leave to buy it for me? I took a small sip feeling the cool water and it helped clear my mind. I looked down feeling a little embarrassed as I held onto the bottle.

“I’m sorry,” I said in a quiet voice.

“It’s okay. Are you feeling better?” He asked.

I shook my head and tried to clear my mind of these overwhelming thoughts. “I don’t know what happened. I just freaked out and I started having a panic attack and-“ I quickly tried to explain.

“Michael, it’s fine. Just breathe.” He said with a bit of a worried expression.

I pressed my lips together before taking another sip from the water bottle and we stayed quiet for a minute while I tried to collect myself.

“What do you want to do?” He asked me.

“I’m fine,” I tell him. “Let’s just keep going.”