Chapter 3

During the drive home, it was silent as Mom had nothing else to say and I didn’t want to talk more about what happened. I was exhausted so I went to lay down on my bed after coming home and I closed my eyes hoping to fall asleep. I just want this day to end, but I don't want tomorrow to begin. I don't want to start a new day or even try going to school either. Elliot was only trying to help yet he did everything that I couldn't handle, but I don't blame him either. I want to blame him, but it wasn’t exactly his fault because he doesn’t know what escalated my anxiety. I sighed as I got up walking to the restroom and closed the door behind me as I played some music from my phone while I leaned over the counter. I looked at myself in the mirror before opening the cabinet taking out a bag that hid a small blade and I sat down on the toilet as I took a few breaths starring it. I haven't cut myself for almost a year and there have been a few times where I sat down with the blade in my hand and remind myself that I stopped after moving in with my mom, but I couldn't stop right away at first so I left some scars on my thighs instead; where she can't see it.

I couldn't bring myself to stop until one day she found the blade and her reaction was what stopped me completely. I sigh heavily, finally putting the blade back in the bag and I knew at some point I would have to throw it away so I wouldn’t be tempted. I washed my face before returning to my room to lay down on my bed trying to drift off to sleep. I skipped school the next day, I didn't even bother getting out of bed when my mom knocked on the door and saw I wasn’t getting myself ready. Why should I go back after what happened; after I embarrassed myself; after I reminded myself that I am not normal.

“Honey, I'm home.” My mother knocked on my door again in the evening after getting home from work. “I'm going to make dinner... Are you hungry?”

It took me a second to speak, feeling a bit dazed since I slept more than half the day. “No. I ate earlier.” I lied.

There was a long silence before she spoke again. “Okay, but I'll leave you a plate in the microwave if you get hungry later.” She tells me.

“Alright,” I replied as I closed my eyes.

“Are you going to school tomorrow?” She asked.

“Can I not?” I said opening my eyes to look at the clock on my bed-stand table reading five o'clock in the evening.

“You have to eventually, dear.” She answered. “You can't stay in your room like this. You have to try and go back. Go, study, and learn.”

I pulled the covers over my shoulders. “Mom…” I called.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” I said as loudly as I could so she can hear.

"I love you too, honey." She replied.

I closed my eyes and I fell asleep soon after. I’ve slept for hours and I know that I’ve only been sleeping to avoid everything but by the time I woke up it was only six in the morning. I can hear movement outside and know that my mom was getting ready for work. I sat up as I ran my fingers through my hair when I heard her pause for a second and I wondered if she heard me, but she didn't come near my door. I got up, finally deciding that I should try to go to school today. I had to try for my mom. I waited until she left to step out of my room and grabbed something to drink when I saw she left a note on the fridge saying that it was fine if I couldn't go to school, but I know she would rather I do. I washed the dishes after I ate then went back to my room to grab my clean pair of clothes and took a long shower.

What am I going to say to him? Would I be able to face him as well? What about the rest of the day? If I can't enter my first period, how can I be able to go to my other classes without being afraid of talking in front of the class, having to introduce myself to people I don't even know, again and again. They would think I'm a freak because I don't want them to shake my hand or when I look away because I can't make eye contact with them. I began to cry as I’m calling myself pathetic for being afraid of something so simple. I promised myself. It was already eight and the school had already started.

I let my backpack fall on the floor as I finally gave up and I sat there trying to calm myself when suddenly I heard the doorbell ring. I used the end of my sleeve to wipe my face and try to compose myself as I opened the door wondering who it could be. I froze when I saw Elliot standing there and for a second I wasn’t too sure if it was him. He looked nervous when he saw me, but gave me a small smile as if he was happy to see me and I wasn’t too sure if I was.

“What are you doing here?” I asked instantly.

Elliot seemed a little surprised by my reaction and cleared his throat. “I wanted to check in on you.” He answered. “You didn't come yesterday and I had a feeling you wouldn't go today.” He tells me.

“And how did you get my address?”

“I asked in the front office since I have some worksheets to give you to catch up on the class.” He said as he took out a packet from his backpack. “I put in some notes to help you.”

I stood there for a second as I looked at him before taking it and shaking my head. “I can't go back,” I tell him and feel myself wanting to cry again. “I tried today. I did.”

“Hey…” He said, reaching his hand out to me but I took a step back and he pulled his hand away. “I'm sorry.”

It was silent between us for a minute and I decided to speak first. “You're going to be late for school.” I remind him.

“I'm not going today.” He tells me. “As I said, I wanted to check on you. I'm sorry about what happened.”

“You don't have to apologize. It was all my fault.” I told him as I took a few steps back to let him come in but I kept my distance between us. “Um, you should come in.”

“It wasn't your fault.” He said as he closed the door and moved to sit on the couch. “I shouldn't have pushed you the way I did back there after you told me not to touch you. I didn't know that your condition was that severe or if I had known that you would react like that you have every right to hate me.”

I looked down as I listened and pressed my lips together as I tried to find the words to say. “But you don't know me and you don’t know about my condition so you don’t know what my limits are. I told you that I couldn't do it. I couldn't even go today.” I said as I covered my face. "I hate this. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’ve gotten worse.”

Elliot rubbed his hands across his lap and took a deep breath. “I’m still sorry… Blame it all on me if that makes you feel better. Please, the way you looked at me after what happened in the restroom, I don't want you to ever have to look at someone like that again.”

“Like what?" I asked him; even though I knew the answer.

“You looked at me with disgust.” He said and he turned to look at me. “And I honestly felt disgusted with myself as well afterward.”

“Why?"

“Because I was trying to force you to say something that you aren't ready to talk about and I’m just a stranger so I shouldn’t have been asking.” He explained. "I hope you can trust me again and if I'm stepping on that boundary again then push me, tell me to stop and I will."

I covered my face as I listened to him and I didn't know what to say but maybe I was still emotionally exhausted. He stayed silent as he watched me cry. I don't know how long it stayed that way, but it felt like the familiar comfort that my mom makes me feel when she lets me express myself when I’m not feeling well. How she lets me show that nasty side of myself that I try to hide every day.

“I'm so tired of this.” I finally said feeling exhausted.

“What do you mean?” Elliot asked and I shook my head not wanting to look at him.

“I want to trust you. I would like to trust you since you took the time to come to visit me, but I just have a hard time trusting people and knowing how to be around them. There isn't anyone that I trust besides my mom and I'm starting to shut her out.” I said as I finally got up and moved to sit on the other couch across from him. “I've been dealing with this for so many years. People scare me because I don't know what they'll do. What will they think once they find out how much of a freak I am? Everyone is always on eggshells around me.”

Elliot presses his lips together before sighing. “Then give me time. I'll try harder and soon you can call me a friend. I hope you'll trust me and I can be there for you when you need it.” He said as he looked up at me.

I covered my face with my hand and it was quiet again until I turned to him. “Can you... can you help me go to school tomorrow?” I asked him.

Elliot smiles and nods, “Yeah, I'll give you a ride in my car. Every day if you need me to.” He said.

I chuckled quietly. “Let’s just try it out at least once,” I said before my smile faded as I cleared my throat. “Just don’t touch me when I say not to… I don’t like that.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” He replied as we both remembered the event from yesterday. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you see a therapist?”

I shook my head, “Not anymore. My insurance couldn’t cover it which is why we moved here… my mom got a job that offers her insurance and it’ll be able to cover for it if I want to continue with it.” I answered and rubbed the back of my neck. “But I didn’t see it helping me when I was going.”

“Don’t take it the wrong way, Michael, but I think you should reconsider that.” He said, taking a quick glance over at me as if embarrassed to suggest it.

I sigh as I shrugged my shoulders, “I know. It feels like it’s getting worse, but I’m just not sure.” I agreed, but I wasn’t planning on seeing one just yet until I get comfortable in school.

There was a long silence as we sat there and I tried to figure out what I wanted to say before I glanced over at him. I want to trust Elliot, he wants me to, and so far he is all I have to call as a friend at this moment. I glanced at my bedroom as I thought about a few things before I slowly moved to stand up and turned to him.

“You said to trust you right?” I asked him.

“Yes.” He answered.

“I want to give you something to show that I trust you, but I want you to get rid of it and without questions,” I said as I hesitated and my fingers were fidgeting as I tried not to feel nervous. “It’s just something that I have and I don’t know how to get rid of it.”

Elliot shifted slightly and nodded after a second. “Sure. Take it and get rid of it.” He repeated. “What is it?”

I hesitated before walking to the restroom to grab the bag and I paused before coming back to the living room. It was a surprise that I decided to do this, but I reminded myself that I wanted to do better and I wanted to trust him as well. Maybe this was the effort that I can do on my own or with help. I slowly walked over to him and handed him the razor before I regret doing it. Elliot stared at the blade confused before turning to me looking lost for words now understanding what it is and I shook my head.

“Just get rid of it,” I tell him again. “Please.”

“Okay.” He said as he safely put it away in his bag.

I took a deep breath and tried to find the words to say next as I sat down again. “I don’t… I don’t do that anymore if you're curious. When I want to relapse I only just hold it as a way to distract myself but there are times where I want to do it and if I keep having it here it’ll just convince me to continue to harm myself.”

I can tell Elliot was still confused so I continued. “I haven’t done it for a year and I don’t want my mom to see me like that. She can barely handle me now and I’ve been in worse states that I really can’t be handled.” I tell him and I look down at my hands. “I’m only telling you because I want to trust you. I want to be normal and do things that everyone can do.”

“You are normal. You just had something bad happen that you haven’t been able to recover from. Whatever that has happened to you was something you didn’t have control over and no one to help support you I’m sure of .” Elliot tells me and moves to sit beside me. “If you had proper care then you would have been better by now.”

I held my breath for a second before nodding, “I know.” I said feeling like he knew the words I wanted to hear.

“But at least you have support now, right?”

I nod, “Yeah, I think so.” I answered and took another deep breath. “Thank you.”