WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

ELIAS

...

I walked into the room, tired cause it's been a long damn day, and I didn't wanted any shit anymore, but what did I see there?....

I see some no good nobody having the damn gut to snoop into my stuff...my fucking diary, without having a second thought, and any foresight in his empty skull

"What the fucking hell..."

I yelled out with all the rage boiling inside me as I rushed up to him, grabbed the book from his damn hands, and pushed him away, making him fall on the hard floor, but I don't care, I don't fucking care how he squeezed his face and let out a little groan, hell no, I don't fucking care about any single shit

"What gave your damn filthy hands the right to touch my book, do you want to die!"

I yelled out and God, I wanted to pounce on him, to punch him a million and one times, even if he dies, but...but...I hold myself cause I don't want the floor to be stained with his damn blood, so I looked at his damn face, and watch as his eyes shook, but this time it wasn't covered in fear like how it always use to be, fear because he knew what he did, but this time?, this time it was covered in guilt, and hell no....pity?

....

LUCAS

...

"Do you want to die!"

He yelled at me, but I tell you, it was the first time I ever saw pain, actual pain in his eyes, covered by his rage, I HAD HURT HIM, AND HE WAS LITERALLY HOLDING HIS TEARS BACK IN, CAUSE HE WAS AFRAID OF BEING WEAK IN FRONT OF ME, and it was enough, so enough to make me realize again, that I had really made like the most biggest mistake ever by touching that book of his, cause it was personal, and a sneak peak of what was clouded in his dark heart, but...but if I didn't touch it, I wouldn't have known how ill treated he really actually was, so deep down, I could stand his anger, his rage, his hatred, but I don't regret it, not one bit

"They bullied you!"

When I had gathered the courage, I yelled back at him, I shouldn't have, no, I should have been more calmer, gentler, but I was boiling too, cause I hated him always sheltering his wounded self, and making everyone hate him, when those maggots were the ones that were at the wrong, Damnit, I fucking hated it so much, how unjust it felt, I fucking hated that he didn't stood up for himself, so that yell, that voice of mine, was for him to hear me audibly every bit of it.

I stand up to my feet, and yelled out to him loudly, so that he could know I wasn't stupid that I would actually keep quiet after knowing a little piece of the shit this not so devil had faced, had suffered, and he...did. Immediately I yelled out and he heard my voice, I watch as his dull eyes glistered actually tears, and I thought to myself was he finally letting himself become weak in front of me, his suppose enemy?, but he immediately proved my words wrong, and didn't let any single drop leave his blue eyes, and again, I hated it so much, cause I wanted him to finally open up to me, to stop killing himself silently, and stop trying to darken his heart that was wounded by being this cold way, so I spoke out again, I did to his face, to the guy who would literally slap me, but I was fearless!

"They bullied you, and you didn't report?, you didn't do anything?"

"STOP IT!"

He yelled at me, and moved a step closer to me, his face was filled with agony, but I don't stop even if he kills me right there, right now, I don't stop no matter how scared I became

They treated you like shit, and you endured it?"

I yelled out again, and his face twisted into pure rage, it was scary...really scary

"Are you deaf!, keep your damn mouth shut, before I make you"

He growled as he moved much more closer to me, but this time I backed away cause I was so scared, but my damn back kissed the cold wall, and there was no where to run, I was trapped, completely awfully trapped, but my lips don't remain shut, no...., I don't stop talking, cause I wanted every single thing I said to sink into his head, so that he would stop ruining his fucking life once and for all

"In case you don't know, I would tell you!"

I looked into his eyes, it shook, but I don't stop, I don't want to stop now

"You don't owe your happiness to anyone, nor are you a freaking slave either!"

I yelled out, but that was it, I exploded crying, cause I couldn't control my emotions any longer, but still looked at him in the eyes when I said it to him. Why I was crying as if it was my own shit and as if he was someone dear to me, I had no clued, but in the end, he wasn't moved in the slightest, yes he wasn't....

Instead and immediately he saw me tear up, he scoffed out, and clenched his fist tight, as if to prevent himself from punching my teary broken red face, but here I was, still crying like a fool for a person who fucking didn't give a damn about me, I hated it, I hated it so so much

Number 1: No one gave you the fucking right to put your damn nose in my business..."

It was cold like ice, but I knew he didn't care or else he wouldn't have said it to me, if he cared, even in the slightest, I would have being spared, but to him?, to him I was nothing but his punching bag, and his rag doll that he eases all his anger out to me

Number 2: Don't you ever pity me, causing you are wasting your precious time, and I don't need it"

I heard his cold lifeless voice again as he dictated some more, but the most awful part was that his voice were like daggers in my heart that reminded me he doesn't need my sympathy, he needed nothing, but a voice told me that it was still an act he was trying to pull off, an idiot act that he was use to telling others, an idiot act that made me an idiot, and a psychopath, a pure foolish one cause no matter how bad he murdered me with his words, I...I still didn't wanted him to just ruin his life and die pathetically cause it was so shitty, so I dared to die again, and spoke out to him

"I might hate the way you fucking treat me, but am not that wicked and want you to suffer silently, cause it...it's pathetic"

I yelled out to him, but it was a lie...a big fat lie!

I didn't think it was pathetic, I felt pain and anger because of something else, something I don't quite understand if it was pity or not, but who was he to care about my shit, he was no one, that scoffed out and glared at me, immediately he heard me speak

"Are you done?"

He looked at me in my shaking eyes, he cared less, and raised one of his eyebrows up, asked me rhetorically as he slams his right hand on the wall intentionally, before he tries to walk away, but...but am still the fool that doesn't wants him to make any drastic decision now that I wasn't sure if he was in his sense, cause I would never be able to forgive myself, so I rushed to him as fast as I could, and literally hugged his back to stop him, even though I don't know why I was so scared if he fucking kills himself out of anger, but he shows me again he doesn't care about my feelings in the slightest regardless of anything I do, and push me away from himself roughly that it made me fall back to the floor, but HE DIDN'T CARE LIKE USUAL...

"What the fuck do you not understand"

He ignores the fact that I was in pain because of how hard he pushed me, and yelled out at me again, but it always felt so worst every single time, and I hated it so much, but I could do nothing to stop him, than to be the victim, than to see his rage

"You broke your own damn rule, crossed the line, and I burnt your shitty project, to warn you to stay on your own lane, but still you wouldn't listen and literally opened my book this time, and your damn head still thinks am the problem here?"

He arches one of his eyebrow and glares at me, it was disdain, it was pure disgust

"But you are freaking like the rest of them, always making my already shitty life more shitter!"

He looked at me in the eyes, spat out and clenched his fist, he was preventing himself from punching my face, even though I don't know why, but I deserved it, to be hit, so HIT ME!, PUNCH ME!, MESS WITH MY STUPID FACE!, LET IT ALL OUT!

My mind screamed out to him, cause I was fed up, but he didn't read my mind, and didn't fulfill my wish either

"Trust me when I say you are no fucking better than them, and if you ever think for once that I would ever forgive you for this, you are so damn wrong, cause I hate you so fucking much!"

He said it to my face, he gave me the final blow, and left me alone in the dark room at last, like he had wanted to do ever since he walked in and caught me with his book...

Damnit, he didn't care in the slightest what I felt, and I guess he was far to ruined to do that, but...but why does his words hurt so damn much, and why does hating me feels like poison..

Why am I like this?....

God, what's wrong with me?....