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2023-06-09 20:41:19NOTE: THISIS A SHORT CHAPTER, AND MIGHT BE HEARTBREAKING
....
ELIAS
I walked in the dark corridor, just a few steps forward and I would be standing in front of the door of the room, but before I could reach, I got a text, and it was from him....The one I was going to see...pardon!
The one I WANTED to meet, and see, even though I was still wounded by that damn good for nothing ex of mine, but I was going to meet Lucas either way, cause...ugh....It might be so stupid, but...but I think Lucas is different.
Yes, I do know I should hate him, and all this risks, and decisions am taking might be a very big horrible awful mistake, cause I do have a clue of what he might say when I walk into the room. He might talk about how I almost kissed him, but I still wanted to see him even though I really, and honest have no answer to that. So yeah, this might be the most stupidest thing I would ever do, might feel like am walking into a lion's den even, but I was going in either way.
To be very frank, all I knew was that I just have this good feelings when am with him, like he makes me feel less shitty of myself, God am so fucking cheesy, but I really feel like a part of my suffering is lifted, but...but at the same time, it doesn't mean that I like him or anything, no, I still hated him.
Does that even make any sense?
I don't even know if anyone could hate a person and still want to be around that person at the same time, but I really don't care if I was the psychopathic guy that does that, but...but the text I got from him changed everything, and made my heart like a stone toss in the ocean, to sink down....so fucking down
"Don't bother to come"
He texted, full stop, that was the end, nothing else, and...and immediately I read that, my inner demons (Yes, I have inner demons, they kill me anytime am weak, they feed on my despair, and cause more, how shitty is that?)
My inner demons that had been tormenting me every now, and then awoke again
"And you really think he might be serious about you, hahaha"
I heard a voice, it's loud, and it's mocking me, but I knew that won't be the only one, cause there were more
"You foolish little psycho, can't you see that he is hesitating?"
Another spoke, and my hand shook, and made my phone slip off, and fall to the ground, but...but I don't care, cause...cause the voices, the voices, they were killing me, they were feeding on me again, they...they were ruthless, merciless, cold, wicked, they hated my guts so fucking much, that it made me hold unto my ears to stop them, but didn't leave me, why on earth would they leave their prey, Never!
They were everywhere....
Every single time I got depressed, I have always heard this self condemning voices, they come when am at my miserable state, they trigger me to self harm, and many of the times I listen to them, cause they were like demons who ruled me, I also know that they want nothing good for me, but...but aren't they right to think so?
"I have already told you, none, no single fucking body can tolerate you this long"
"You would die alone!"
"And no one would even attend your fucking funeral, It would be a celebration instead"
"Hahaha"
More and more and more of them came, and again made me feel like I was buried under water, it becomes difficult for me to breath, so I finally become mad and run away from the damn entrance to the room, alongside my demons
In the end, and when the demons finally left me after being satisfied, I realized I was in the basketball court, it was dark, the night sky, as well as my soul. I sat down on one of the audience chair, or whatever they call it, and I feel lifeless, angry, and...sad, and the worst kind that was similar like the sadness I had when my father died, even though I don't really know why it fucking hurts, and why it pains me so much that him, that shitty Lucas was just like the rest, but it burnt me, and again, again I feel depressed, useless, God I was the biggest fool in the whole wide world, cause what was I thinking, why did I ever thought he could ever for once like a trash like me, WHY!!!.
Why do I wish he didn't send me that text...
Why do I wish that the truth wasn't that he hesitated, and finally realized that it wasn't probably worth it to be with a guy like me...
Why!!!
Am I that shitty?...
Am I that useless?...
Why is it always I who get to burn....
Why is it always I who kills myself with my own hands by having hope, by not fully embracing the dark...
Why am I still human?
I hate this feelings, I fucking hated it so darn much, so I deleted his shitty number from my phone that I picked up from the ground before I ran away, and tell myself that I can't let this happen to me, but...but in the end...
In the end, and no matter how ruined, and screwed I was, I couldn't still bring myself to hate him like how I despised others
Why?....
I don't know, I don't know anything at all, but I just couldn't, and that was the most greatest poison of them all
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