All Chapters of How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis : Chapter 81 - Chapter 90

Lanterns gave The Pickled Gherkin a warm cosy feel, but the soft orange light only reached about halfway up the stairs, after which I was quickly enveloped in pitch black. I slowed as I reached the top, took one step onto the landing, and bumped into the back of Jenny.She threw her arms behind her and grabbed hold of me like she’d been waiting for me. “Shh.”I get it. I know, I was being manipulated. She had me doing exactly what she wanted and she did it without even having to ask. Masterful. But being aware of it made little difference. I was still just a guy with all the regular guy bits and pieces. It’s hard to resist a pretty girl who gives you the eye, even if she’s just stringing you along. The chance that one day, maybe, perhaps, sometime in the future she might let you into her pants is enough to get most of us to act like fucking retards.We stood there pressed tightly together, listening to the sounds of movement on the roof overhead. Ahead of us, there

“He’s probably going to come at us with everything, isn’t he?” I said to Enwye.“Oh, I don’t know about that. Thing about Crunchy is, he’s never been a big risk taker. Likes things to be in his favour before he makes a move. Sending out those boys naked like that would have put the wind right up him.”The only reason I’d made them all strip was so the uniform I’d given Little Chicken wouldn’t be missed. But returning prisoners naked also had a nice psychological effect.I went and sat down in the booth at the back of the pub, exhausted from all the running around and hitting people from behind. Just because it was cowardly and dishonourable didn’t mean it wasn’t tiring.Enwye went back up and nailed the door shut in case our little subterfuge didn’t work, although I wasn’t sure it would stop them if they really wanted to get through. A couple of slams with those shoulderpads would probably leave the door in smithereens.But they’d have to come through

Neither of us were in a mood to rush back to our lodgings. We wandered through the empty streets like a couple taking an early morning stroll.The corpses we’d left lying in the street, blood pooling around them, didn’t figure very much in my thoughts. Neither did the memory of sliding my hand inside Jenny’s underwear (although I certainly intended to have a long hard think about that later). What preoccupied my mind was what I would do next time Jenny decided to rush headlong towards danger.She had every right to go around kicking wasp nests if she wanted to, but I didn’t particularly want to get stung. And yet, would I be able to back off and leave her to it? That’s what I should do, but part of me wanted her to get in trouble just so I could rescue her. So I could be her hero.Yes, I realise how idiotic that is. This is what happens when you start to develop feelings for a girl. Stupid shit.What I needed to do was stop mooning over the pretty girl next

In truth, I know exactly how I ended up back at the Sheaf.Once I had accepted the end of my time as leader, I made the mistake of going into Jenny’s room. I just wanted to say goodbye to what could have been. I’m human, I have regrets. Even though I never really got to be with her, except in medical terms, I would still miss her.And also, who knew what I might find lying about?What I found was a very neat and tidy room, bed perfectly made and even some flowers in a vase. And an envelope on the bedside cabinet. With my name on it.I opened it, of course. Mistake right there.Kizwat. Hammer and Tong Hostel.There was no other message, no explanation. She wanted me to know how to find Kizwat, if I had reason to. And as it happened...The Hammer and Tong was a lot nicer than our inn. A small fountain in the courtyard; rose covered trestles against the walls; a guy playing flute as the guests picked from an extensive breakfast buffet.

“What I’d like to know,” I said to God, “is how you couldn’t tell they were telling the truth. When they said they didn’t know how the dagger ended up in their possession, did you think they were lying?”“It is... complicated,” said God. “Perhaps we should discuss this alone.” He shifted his gaze towards the Guildmaster who stood up (after a short struggle disentangling himself from his colleagues).“However this situation came about,” said the Guildmaster, “the artefact we were presented with appears to be genuine. That is what you’re saying, God?”“Lies can be tricky,” said God, “but the truth is the truth. No doubt.”The Guildmaster seemed to accept this. He turned to Kizwat. “Young man, we owe you a silver hammer. Please accompany me back to the guild.”Kizwat stood up, his eyes sparkling.God also rose from his chair and made his way to the door, which he unlocked. As the blacksmiths filed out, the Guildmaster paused and turned back to me.