All Chapters of How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis : Chapter 61 - Chapter 70

Walking along with your hand held up is quite tiring. It was too dark to see where we were going without the light, but very awkward. Dragging Dag’s body through the long grass was no easy matter, either.There weren’t many trees in the marshlands, and we’d passed a group with distinctive white trunks when we first arrived, so I had a rough idea of where we were going. Still, not an easy task in the dark.Dudley was as untalkative as ever and I was busy ignoring the doubts trying to force their way into my thoughts. The obvious thing to have done was leave. Dump the body somewhere and deny we had anything to do with it.But some of the things Dag had said made me think Tin wasn’t the type to just leave it. I really didn’t want to spend every day looking over my shoulder, waiting for him to catch up with us. Plus, I had eagle-eyed Dudley backing me up.It took us about an hour to get to the copse of white trees. By that time, my hand was barely flickering. Ap

“What we need,” I said, “is somewhere nice and quiet to hide out.”“If I’m not mistaken,” said Dudley, “there are some trees in that direction.” He pointed back the way we’d come.I hadn’t seen any trees, but then I didn’t have Dudley’s superior eyesight. We headed off in the direction Dudley had indicated and sure enough, an hour so later, we found ourselves in a wooded area.We put up the tents, built a fire pit and sorted out a latrine. It was all very efficiently done. Jenny and Mandy must have thought of us as quite the pros. Ah, if only they knew the truth.We had three tents between seven people, but since there needed to be someone on watch at all times, it wasn’t too hard to sort out sleeping arrangements. First watch went to me and my good friend Mandy.Once the others had gone to bed, I sat down by the sunken fire and took out my sword (no, that’s not a euphemism). I looked up to see Mandy staring at me from the opposite side of the fire.

Jespert talked the whole time we spent packing up our gear. The pleasure of a vegetarian diet. The needless horror of animal slaughter. The unethical practices of farmers and butchers. It went on and on.He continued talking as we set off, and he talked even more as we made our way from the woods into the marshes all the way to the open fields beyond.His voice was loud and unremitting. With lizardmen in the area, it might have been unwise to make so much noise but in all fairness if they heard someone expounding on the link between broccoli smoothies and regular bowel movements, I expect they’d run in the opposite direction.Once he’d eaten the clovis Flossie had given him, Jespert no longer shuffled around like one of the undead and traipsed through the tall grass. We followed behind, somewhat dazed by the onslaught of preachy scolding and barely passable logic.“If you bake aubergine with the right spices, it tastes exactly like chicken.”It was ma

The question of whether we should stay or go was quickly put to rest the following morning. Jespert woke us with a hearty good morning and well wishes for our trip through the tunnels. It was clear he expected us to vacate the premises forthwith.After a breakfast of mushroom porridge with a little mushroom jam and a cup of tea (yes, mushroom tea), Jespert took us through some dark passages to a stairwell leading to a lower level.None of the zombers had come to see us off. I suppose the novelty had worn off and they had better things to do. We weren’t exactly legendary heroes setting off on a quest to save the world, just some random people passing through.The crypt was a surprisingly large structure, and somehow claustrophobic at the same time. I tried to think of it like a museum exhibit, although most museums don’t bother with cobwebs and damp. It would have been creepy enough being down there with full fluorescent lighting and a gift shop, but with just a cou

Maurice and Claire looked at each other, then somewhat reluctantly sat down next to me.“I can’t believe you,” said Mandy. “This is our only hope of getting out of here.”“Then go with him,” I said. “If you make it out, live a happy life and enjoy the fact you were right and I’ll spend the rest of my life rotting away in here. With them. That should be revenge enough for you.”“I’m really going to hit him,” said Claire.Mandy turned to Claire. “And you agree with him?”Claire’s head dropped like her neck had lost all strength. “Ugh. He has a knack for this sort of thing. It’s hard to explain.”Mandy looked about ready to explode. She turned to Raviva, then back to us, then back to him.“Argghh,” she yelled at the roof of the cave, and then sat down next to Claire.“So, you’re none of you willing to join us?” asked Raviva.“Sorry,” Mandy mumbled. “Looks like we’re going with Plan B. The B stands for bastard.”“Just go