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70. Troll-In-Chief
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2021-09-13 17:13:28Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 71. Dungeons & Divas
It took a couple of tries before Flossie understood the situation. But once she got it, her response was immediate.“You can fook right off. Ah ain’t fighting no one.”“Now hold on, there,” said Dudley. “You know Colin wouldn’t choose you unless he had a plan. Right, Colin?” He looked at me with an expression that said, “Harm my girl and I will strangle you with your own shitty entrails.” I’m paraphrasing.“Of course,” I said like there was nothing to worry about (spoiler alert: there was a lot to worry about). I turned back to Raviva. “So, the weapon of choice will be... voices.”Ah, you see. Nobody said it had to be a battle of physical combat. They might have been huge, lumbering sacks of rocks, but how would that help them in a sing-off?“You want to challenge us to a singing competition?” said Raviva. “I love it! There’s nothing we trolls love more than a good sing-along. They say I was born yodelling as I came out of my mother. Haha! Prepare the
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 72. Gutted
Raviva offered to guide us out of the caves. Which was great, seeing as how we had no idea of the real layout of the place, but it was hard not to be suspicious of his motives. With trolls, you could never tell what was for real and what was the next hilarious prank. When Jespert had warned us about trolls having terrible sense of humour, he hadn’t been kidding.We set off with Raviva at the front and a couple of trolls bringing up the rear. Kaceyton also accompanied us, chatting with Flossie about favourite songs and swapping dance moves. They had become quite good friends, which could prove to be useful later. Or it could be our downfall. Paranoid? You betcha. Not until we were back in the outside world did I intend to let my guard down.“It’s been some time since we had such an intense match,” said Raviva as he led us through a maze of tunnels. “Shame we couldn’t keep going,” he leaned towards me, which made me flinch, and whispered loud enough to give my hair a new pa
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 73. Sunny Side Up
First off, I want to make it clear the reason I fainted wasn’t the blood. I was used to guts and entrails and all the viscera that came with preparing freshly killed animals, so a little blood was no big whoop.Healing Mandy had taken quite a lot out of me. I wasn’t sure how magic worked, but there was clearly a cost. Maybe I had even sacrificed part of my life force to save her. I’m sure it wasn’t the first time Mandy had sucked the life out of a guy.I came round to see Claire leaning over me. It was getting to be a bit of a habit.“How long was I out?” I’d always wanted to say that.“A few minutes. Are you alright?” She sounded less concerned than last time, so I assumed I was going to be okay.“I’m fine. Just exhausted.”“You didn’t answer my question,” said Mandy. She was standing with her arms crossed and a defiant look on her face.“Yes, you’re right.” I shakily got to my feet. “Here’s your answer — shut the fuck up. I don’t know
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 74. Welcome To Dargot
Mandy ran towards Sonny who jumped down from his horse and embraced her. Also watching this reunion were a dozen or so soldiers on horseback. They were covered in dust and grime but that did nothing to hide the air of menace they exuded. The only thing worse than a vicious thug is a vicious thug in uniform.Each was built like brick shit-house and had the face of man who would kill you if he could be bothered, so probably best not to bother him.“You guys know Sonny,” I said to Jenny.“Yes. We met him in Fengarad. He was close with Tin and Dag.”Great.“Not a big fan?” asked Jenny.As Sonny and Mandy excitedly exchanged words, his face transformed from delight to shock to sadness. Mandy pointed over to us, and then Sonny’s face took on a whole new visage. I guess you could call it fury.“Not exactly. By the way, I’m kicking you out of the group. If Sonny asks, we just escorted you here.”“No,” said Jenny. “I’m with you guys.” She
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 75. Dinner With The Devil
“I should probably introduce myself,” said the small and frightening man. “I am Gullen Santan, Administrator in charge of Road Maintenance and Planning. A general dogsbody, if you will, to Her Highness Queen Zarigold. But please, call me Gullen.”He made it sound like he had a lowly clerical position operating out of some back office. I didn’t believe it for a second.He raised his hand high over his head a twirled a finger. A large carriage pulled by four horses came thundering out of the gates towards us. The driver appeared to be a child in a black velvet coat and a top hat.“All aboard,” said Gullen Santan cheerfully. “Tomorrow you can explore the city and find yourselves suitable accommodations and whatnot, but for tonight, at least, you will be my guests. The best food, the softest beds and a hot bath. Chop, chop.”He held open the carriage door and we all filed in. Possibly to our deaths, but he made it all sound so appealing none of us would have car
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 76. No Deal Or Deal
Despite the casual and friendly way the offer had been made, I was under no illusions as to what would happen if I said no to working for Gullen Santan, Road Planner.“What about the others?” I asked him.“I’m sure we could find them something to do in Dargot. Or, they could carry on their adventures without you. It’s a big world with lots of interesting things in it.”Yeah, that could kill you. But I could see them all settling down. Maurice opening a small bicycle shop. Dudley and Flossie running a karaoke bar. None of them bothering me anymore. It could be quite nice.Biadet placed a small bowl of creme brulee on the table and narrowed her eyes like a gunfighter. I leaned back and let her take the first bite.“Under normal circumstances, I would encourage you to roam around a bit, too, but these are troubled times, I’m afraid,” said Gullen. “As you know, Fengarad is under siege at the moment. The lizardman are encamped on their doorstep with more a
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 77. A Word Of Warning
“Come on, mate,” said Sonny. “I’m trying to extend an olive branch here. We’re all friends now, right guys?”Everyone looked at each other, then they all looked away from each other, probably trying to get their vision to focus.“That’s because they’re a bunch of idiots.” The atmosphere went from lukewarm to frosty. “You, on the other hand, are a scumbag. You always will be. Just stay away from me.”The smart thing would have been to accept the olive branch and pretend to get along with him so that the next time we met he wouldn’t try to kill me, but fuck that.“Fine,” said Sonny bitterly. He slammed down his wine glass. “Come on, Mandy. Let’s go.”Mandy stood up, wobbling. “Sonny has invited me to stay with him, so I’ll be leaving you in Colin’s safe hands.” She winked at me. “I know you’ll all miss me, but try your best to keep going. Happy adventures!” She raised a full glass of wine and downed it in one.I walked over to her and grabbed her
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 78. Trouble In The City
The following morning everyone had a terrible hangover. Apart from me, of course. They emerged from their rooms wincing and coloured various shades of green.Gullen hadn’t reappeared since he rushed off the previous night, but Biadet was there to guide us to yet another dining room where we were served breakfast. I ravenously stuffed my face. The others nibbled a little toast.“You should try these sausages.” I waved my fork under their noses. “Not sure what kind of meat it is, but it tastes great. So juicy and succulent.” I stuck it in my mouth and chewed sloppily. “Mmm, yum. Look.”Flossie and Maurice both rushed off to the bathroom while Claire refused to look in the direction of my open mouth. Dudley was the only one to match me bite for bite, tucking into his plate loaded with a bit of everything.“Oh, I say. That’s a little bit better.”Either he had a remarkable constitution, or he had abstained from drinking too much to make sure Flossie was o
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
