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76. No Deal Or Deal
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2021-09-13 17:13:28Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 77. A Word Of Warning
“Come on, mate,” said Sonny. “I’m trying to extend an olive branch here. We’re all friends now, right guys?”Everyone looked at each other, then they all looked away from each other, probably trying to get their vision to focus.“That’s because they’re a bunch of idiots.” The atmosphere went from lukewarm to frosty. “You, on the other hand, are a scumbag. You always will be. Just stay away from me.”The smart thing would have been to accept the olive branch and pretend to get along with him so that the next time we met he wouldn’t try to kill me, but fuck that.“Fine,” said Sonny bitterly. He slammed down his wine glass. “Come on, Mandy. Let’s go.”Mandy stood up, wobbling. “Sonny has invited me to stay with him, so I’ll be leaving you in Colin’s safe hands.” She winked at me. “I know you’ll all miss me, but try your best to keep going. Happy adventures!” She raised a full glass of wine and downed it in one.I walked over to her and grabbed her
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 78. Trouble In The City
The following morning everyone had a terrible hangover. Apart from me, of course. They emerged from their rooms wincing and coloured various shades of green.Gullen hadn’t reappeared since he rushed off the previous night, but Biadet was there to guide us to yet another dining room where we were served breakfast. I ravenously stuffed my face. The others nibbled a little toast.“You should try these sausages.” I waved my fork under their noses. “Not sure what kind of meat it is, but it tastes great. So juicy and succulent.” I stuck it in my mouth and chewed sloppily. “Mmm, yum. Look.”Flossie and Maurice both rushed off to the bathroom while Claire refused to look in the direction of my open mouth. Dudley was the only one to match me bite for bite, tucking into his plate loaded with a bit of everything.“Oh, I say. That’s a little bit better.”Either he had a remarkable constitution, or he had abstained from drinking too much to make sure Flossie was o
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 79. Kizwat’s Silver Hammer
“I’m not going to kill anyone, Kizwat,” I said loud enough for everyone to hear. “Let’s go.”I shoved him towards the door.“Wait,” said the largest of the large men. He wore a leather vest with nothing underneath it and he had a mullet. That should tell you all you need to know. “What relation are you to this man?”He positioned himself between us and the exit. He wasn’t the type you could easily knock aside. Did I mention his size? Big. Very big.“What’s it got to do with you?” I decided to go on the offensive. “Are you a gossiping old lady? Stick your nose in other people’s business so you can tell the girls about it later?” I looked past him at the men standing behind. “I bet he’s a terrible nag as well. Do this, do that. You’re not doing it right. Why haven’t you finished yet? You know what I’m talking about, right?” I pointed at the short fat one at the back. “That’s why you’re nodding.”Mullet-man spun around, his glorious mane swishing through
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 80. The Flossie Show
Flossie walked across the room like she was in a trance. She seemed to know where she was going, though. We all watched her, curious to see what had possessed her to walk away from the security of our little group.She made a beeline for the young man playing the lute. She stopped in front of him, her head bobbing along to the terrible ‘hey nonny nonny’ tune he was plucking.The guy smiled at her and carried on.He threw a couple of curious looks her way as she continued to stand right in front of him.He hit a couple of bum notes, starting to get nervous about the weird girl eyeballing him from two feet away. He’d probably never had a groupie before.But it turned out Flossie had something other than getting his autograph in mind. When he finally came to the end of his jaunty little ditty, she moved in closer and started speaking with him. Or at him. She was very animated; he was very frightened.He looked confused at first, but after a bit he
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 81. Locked In
The men in the room turned their attention to the pretty girl standing on the table. Maybe they thought after the singing comes the go-go dancing.“Sorry to interrupt. I thought you might like to know the man who just left put something in your drinks.”A confused murmur drifted around the room.“I can’t be absolutely sure, but I think he drugged you so it would be easier to grab you when you leave here and force you to join the army.”The murmuring escalated into objections.“What are you saying?”“Why would he do that?”“Not true. Not true.”The natives started to get restless. I tried to move away from Betty Bigmouth, but I was in a booth so it was hard to get any distance.“Please, I don’t want to start any trouble—” Yeah, right “—but I saw him squeeze a few drops of whatever was in the small pouch on his belt into each of your mugs. Maybe they were vitamin drops and he’s secretly boosting your immune system, I don’t kn
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 82. Assault On Pickled Gherkin
Lanterns gave The Pickled Gherkin a warm cosy feel, but the soft orange light only reached about halfway up the stairs, after which I was quickly enveloped in pitch black. I slowed as I reached the top, took one step onto the landing, and bumped into the back of Jenny.She threw her arms behind her and grabbed hold of me like she’d been waiting for me. “Shh.”I get it. I know, I was being manipulated. She had me doing exactly what she wanted and she did it without even having to ask. Masterful. But being aware of it made little difference. I was still just a guy with all the regular guy bits and pieces. It’s hard to resist a pretty girl who gives you the eye, even if she’s just stringing you along. The chance that one day, maybe, perhaps, sometime in the future she might let you into her pants is enough to get most of us to act like fucking retards.We stood there pressed tightly together, listening to the sounds of movement on the roof overhead. Ahead of us, there
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 83. The Doctor Is In
“Okay,” I said. “I’m going in.”Under normal circumstances, this sort of thing would happen with both people getting hot and heavy, some kissing, various body parts rubbing against each other, a sense of excitement in the air... in this case, not so much.Being unable to see anything other than dark blotches on a background of even darker blotches also added to the strangeness. I finally had the chance to be intimate with the girl I liked and it was about as sexy as a gynaecological examination.I probably sound a bit self-involved. After all, she was badly injured and in a lot of pain. Did it really matter if I wasn’t able to enjoy this moment for its eroticism? Of course not. Getting turned on would be inappropriate. Although, inappropriate sexiness is one of the best kinds of sexiness.No. This was a medical emergency and I was doing what I had to. That was all. One hundred percent. Plus or minus five percent standard deviation. You always have to allow f
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 84. The Waiting Game
“He’s probably going to come at us with everything, isn’t he?” I said to Enwye.“Oh, I don’t know about that. Thing about Crunchy is, he’s never been a big risk taker. Likes things to be in his favour before he makes a move. Sending out those boys naked like that would have put the wind right up him.”The only reason I’d made them all strip was so the uniform I’d given Little Chicken wouldn’t be missed. But returning prisoners naked also had a nice psychological effect.I went and sat down in the booth at the back of the pub, exhausted from all the running around and hitting people from behind. Just because it was cowardly and dishonourable didn’t mean it wasn’t tiring.Enwye went back up and nailed the door shut in case our little subterfuge didn’t work, although I wasn’t sure it would stop them if they really wanted to get through. A couple of slams with those shoulderpads would probably leave the door in smithereens.But they’d have to come through
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
