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82. Assault On Pickled Gherkin
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2021-09-13 17:13:28Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 83. The Doctor Is In
“Okay,” I said. “I’m going in.”Under normal circumstances, this sort of thing would happen with both people getting hot and heavy, some kissing, various body parts rubbing against each other, a sense of excitement in the air... in this case, not so much.Being unable to see anything other than dark blotches on a background of even darker blotches also added to the strangeness. I finally had the chance to be intimate with the girl I liked and it was about as sexy as a gynaecological examination.I probably sound a bit self-involved. After all, she was badly injured and in a lot of pain. Did it really matter if I wasn’t able to enjoy this moment for its eroticism? Of course not. Getting turned on would be inappropriate. Although, inappropriate sexiness is one of the best kinds of sexiness.No. This was a medical emergency and I was doing what I had to. That was all. One hundred percent. Plus or minus five percent standard deviation. You always have to allow f
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 84. The Waiting Game
“He’s probably going to come at us with everything, isn’t he?” I said to Enwye.“Oh, I don’t know about that. Thing about Crunchy is, he’s never been a big risk taker. Likes things to be in his favour before he makes a move. Sending out those boys naked like that would have put the wind right up him.”The only reason I’d made them all strip was so the uniform I’d given Little Chicken wouldn’t be missed. But returning prisoners naked also had a nice psychological effect.I went and sat down in the booth at the back of the pub, exhausted from all the running around and hitting people from behind. Just because it was cowardly and dishonourable didn’t mean it wasn’t tiring.Enwye went back up and nailed the door shut in case our little subterfuge didn’t work, although I wasn’t sure it would stop them if they really wanted to get through. A couple of slams with those shoulderpads would probably leave the door in smithereens.But they’d have to come through
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 85. Stone Cold
Despite my general poor attitude towards women, especially those around my own age, I don’t see females as inferior to males. In some cases, they are superior.Men have a history of abusing women. Of taking advantage of them and forcing them to do things they don’t want to. But women have their own way of righting the balance. They may not be stronger or faster or be able to park cars in a perfectly reasonable parking space, but one thing is certainly to their advantage: they made us. And creators know their creations better than anyone.The relationship between men and older women — not just their own mothers, but all mothers — is a complicated one. Doesn’t matter if it’s a loving, adoring mother or a cruel, vindictive one. You can’t treat them however you want. You can’t say, “Look, old woman, this is how it is and if you don’t like it, scram.” Try it. Enjoy the utter devastation as your psyche implodes from a simple look of disappointment.The women marching tow
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 86. Back To Mine
Neither of us were in a mood to rush back to our lodgings. We wandered through the empty streets like a couple taking an early morning stroll.The corpses we’d left lying in the street, blood pooling around them, didn’t figure very much in my thoughts. Neither did the memory of sliding my hand inside Jenny’s underwear (although I certainly intended to have a long hard think about that later). What preoccupied my mind was what I would do next time Jenny decided to rush headlong towards danger.She had every right to go around kicking wasp nests if she wanted to, but I didn’t particularly want to get stung. And yet, would I be able to back off and leave her to it? That’s what I should do, but part of me wanted her to get in trouble just so I could rescue her. So I could be her hero.Yes, I realise how idiotic that is. This is what happens when you start to develop feelings for a girl. Stupid shit.What I needed to do was stop mooning over the pretty girl next
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 87. The Dao of Colin
Anyone can lose their way. Doesn’t matter how fervently you believe, your faith can abandon you. Distractions will lead you away from the path, and send you on a detour you may never return from.I had been weak. I had been tempted by nice, well-meaning people. Trust. Friendship. Loyalty. All the warm-fuzzies had laid siege to my resolve and cracked it wide open. For a moment there, I actually started to believe I too could become a normie.Find a nice girl, settle down, live the dream. It was, of course, ridiculous. Time to wake the fuck up.“You’ll be on your own, so any problems, do your best.” I gave Claire a thumbs up and left the room.“Don’t be surprised when we come back with the spike,” Claire called after me.“Remember to have fun,” I shouted back.I had been up all night and needed some sleep. As soon as I got in my room, I closed the curtains, stripped off and got into bed. I fell asleep immediately.I don’t know if I dreamt
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 88. Blind Man’s Bluff
In truth, I know exactly how I ended up back at the Sheaf.Once I had accepted the end of my time as leader, I made the mistake of going into Jenny’s room. I just wanted to say goodbye to what could have been. I’m human, I have regrets. Even though I never really got to be with her, except in medical terms, I would still miss her.And also, who knew what I might find lying about?What I found was a very neat and tidy room, bed perfectly made and even some flowers in a vase. And an envelope on the bedside cabinet. With my name on it.I opened it, of course. Mistake right there.Kizwat. Hammer and Tong Hostel.There was no other message, no explanation. She wanted me to know how to find Kizwat, if I had reason to. And as it happened...The Hammer and Tong was a lot nicer than our inn. A small fountain in the courtyard; rose covered trestles against the walls; a guy playing flute as the guests picked from an extensive breakfast buffet.
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 89. The Word Of God
We made our way down to the eighth floor. We passed no one on the way down, although the stone steps were worn and dented from much use. The temperature noticeably rose as we reached the bottom. Balmy.Unlike the previous levels, there was only one door down here. It went from floor to ceiling, which must have been at least ten feet. No doorbell. Or knocker. Or handle. But there was a small black hole right in the centre.The Guildmaster placed his mouth over the hole and spoke. “Hello, God?” His voice boomed out like he was doing a mic check in a stadium. “It’s me, Master Garet.”We stood there waiting, me and Kizwat, the Guildmaster and his two men. We had dispensed with the Swayze fan club, for the time being at least.Echoing footsteps could be heard on the other side, then a smaller panel in the door opened and a man’s face appeared. He had very dark skin, big, chubby cheeks, a neatly trimmed afro with heavy sideburns and a thin moustache.“Oh, h
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 90. Walking Through Walls
“What I’d like to know,” I said to God, “is how you couldn’t tell they were telling the truth. When they said they didn’t know how the dagger ended up in their possession, did you think they were lying?”“It is... complicated,” said God. “Perhaps we should discuss this alone.” He shifted his gaze towards the Guildmaster who stood up (after a short struggle disentangling himself from his colleagues).“However this situation came about,” said the Guildmaster, “the artefact we were presented with appears to be genuine. That is what you’re saying, God?”“Lies can be tricky,” said God, “but the truth is the truth. No doubt.”The Guildmaster seemed to accept this. He turned to Kizwat. “Young man, we owe you a silver hammer. Please accompany me back to the guild.”Kizwat stood up, his eyes sparkling.God also rose from his chair and made his way to the door, which he unlocked. As the blacksmiths filed out, the Guildmaster paused and turned back to me.
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
