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All Chapters of How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis : Chapter 101 - Chapter 110

244 Chapters

101. Beware the Jabberwock

It didn’t take me long to get changed. I had fallen asleep in my clothes and only needed to put my shoes on. I emerged from the tent bleary-eyed but ready for action. More or less.Keezy was waiting for me with a small creature at his side. It came up to about my waist and had the head of a dog but with human-ish ears and eyes. It also had a tail that slapped from side to side. If it were an actual dog, I would assume it was happy, but it wasn’t an actual dog so who knows?“This is May-May. He will act as our tracker.”If here were an actual dog, I would also assume he’d sniff the ground and then catch Kungen’s scent. It’s hard not to let your preconceptions inform your poor guesses but I decided not to presume when faced with things that shouldn’t really exist. Especially when the thing in question might get annoyed and eat me.“So you’re working with humans now,” said May-May in a yappy voice that only reinforced my presumptions. “You trolls sure are hard
last updateLast Updated : 2021-09-13
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102. The Worm Turns

It’s not often you hear the phrase, “Oh shit, it’s the cavalry,” when people are coming to your rescue, but those were the words that sprang to my lips.“Stop!” screamed Jenny.They ran faster to be able to hear what she was saying. We both raised our hands and shouted again. “Stop!”They heard us this time and did as commanded. They came to a shuddering halt like we were playing a game of musical statues, limbs in unnatural poses as they wobbled trying to keep their balance.“What is it?” asked Maurice. “Quicksand?”We were standing on perfectly solid ground, not sinking from view, so I don’t know why that was his first thought. “It’s the jabberwock. It’s a giant worm that’s under us right now. I think it’s attracted to movement so try to keep as still as possible.”“How big is it?” asked Claire.“Enormous,” said Jenny. “It ate Keezy.”There was a murmur of surprise and disbelief.“Sounds like Shai-Hulud,” said Maurice kno
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103. Heroes of Myth and Legend

The atmosphere was one of relief and jubilation. We had gone up against an indomitable foe and won. Or rather, they had.I considered their actions to be incredibly stupid, but there was no doubting their victory.As I watched them hug each other and laugh about being sucked into the mouth of a giant worm, they looked like heroes. Not the type with muscles and loincloths and big swords. More like the teacher who stands between her kids and a madman with a knife, even though she knows it’ll probably get her killed.Was this why we were brought to this world? So people like this could band together and save lives in the most ridiculous way possible? It wasn’t so far-fetched. The no-hopers who get their shit together and accomplish amazing things are often the heroes of a story, why not this one?They still weren’t a team you would call on to save the day unless you had absolutely no other choice, but if you told them what they needed to do, they’d be willing t
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104. Dog Day Afternoons

It wasn’t all that surprising a beastman, even a very young one, would have greater natural affinity with beast magic than me. It was still annoying, though.“You’re not supposed to play with them, you’re supposed to eat them.”Attica thrust his whole head into the water and came up with a large red and green trout-looking fish in his jaws. He sat up on his knees with the fish held up like an offering for his master. A completely inappropriate thought since he wasn’t a dog, he was a person.The fish screamed and Attica dropped it, bounding away like it had bit him, rather than the other way round. I took my sword and stabbed the fish in the head.Attica looked at the fish warily.“It’s dead. Nothing to worry about.”“I know that,” said Attica a little snootily, probably to hide his embarrassment. “After death there is nothing to fear.”What was that? Some kind of saying? Bit morbid to teach a kid, but that’s life in the wild, I guess.
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105. Man Vs Wild

The village was still being put together. I ran through the semi-erect structures being hammered and roped together, frantically searching for any signs of a small dog-like creature.I didn’t expect to see him, but I couldn’t help but check to make sure every time I spied a furball under three-foot.Within a few seconds of arriving, I ended up in the middle of the village where an assortment of creatures placed barrels on top of each other behind a large bar. They had to take down and put up this large drinking establishment daily — seemed a lot of unnecessary work. Where did they even put the barrels during the day?These and other questions didn’t bother me for once. I had other matters on my mind.“Have you seen Attica?” I asked the wolfgirl. She was behind the bar sorting out some cups and bowls.She gave me a dead-eyed glance that suggested she had better things to do and went back to stacking cups without saying anything.I took out my sw
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106. Get Lucky

“Colin!” screamed Claire like she was delighted to see me. “We’re back!”“Sorry about leaving you like that,” said Maurice. “We didn’t think we’d be gone so—”“Yeah, they said it was only a day away, we thought we’d be back in no—”“Then they forced us to go to all these parties an—”“They made us these clothes too,” said Flossie, holding out her leather top from the hem. “Right bostin’ they are.”“We met the head guy, the Vizier,” said Maurice. “He was some kind of giant badger! He might have been a wolverine, but he didn’t have claws.”“They had cake!” said Flossie. “It were great.”“We tried to send a message,” cut in Claire, “but their post office is really strange.”“We got you this.” Flossie held out a cloak for me. I took it and put it under my arm.They were all talking over each other and coming at me so fast it was hard to take it all in.“We thought you could probably do with a few days without us,” said C
last updateLast Updated : 2021-09-13
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107. Enola Gay

Normally, you would expect the guy to steal a kiss from the girl, and the girl’s the one to slap him. When was my life ever normal?Of course, a man should never hit a woman. And he definitely shouldn’t hit a woman who’s carrying a dagger. Jenny didn’t reach for the blade at her waist, she just looked at me with surprise.I looked away and stared intently at the ground. I could have apologised and generally grovelled for her to forgive me, that would be the normal thing to do. I hadn’t hit her very hard, but that was hardly the point.Once I took responsibility, it would be game over. My position of moral superiority would be forfeit and I’d never be able to get it back.She was the one in the wrong. Yes, I overreacted and did something terrible, but that didn’t take away from what she did. Using the thing I was weakest against — affection — to manipulate me, to get me to do whatever she wanted, was reprehensible.Right?I did what anyone would
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108. Follow the Leader

I stared at the scroll for a few seconds. It was like a party invitation, except instead of cake and jelly, there would be monsters and the constant threat of a violent death. So not all that inviting. Still, it was very polite. And in English.“Is Cheng a Visitor?” I asked the blue reptile towering over me.Hitokag wrinkled up his nose which drew back the skin covering his mouth to reveal small triangular teeth “Of course not. He was born here. He is one of us.”If I said no, would they simply leave? Probably not. Hitokag stretched out his wings and closed them again. I don’t know if he was trying to intimidate me or just stretching but either way it didn’t make me want to go on a long trip with him.“He also instructed me to answer any questions you may have if you agree to come.”This offer did interest me. “You’ll answer any questions? Anything I want to know?”“If I can. I don’t know everything.” He looked at the dragonmen either side of h
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109. Blast Off

When I say ‘near vertical’ I might be exaggerating a little. It did feel like I might fall out if I didn’t hold on tightly, but our angle of ascent was probably more like forty-five degrees. Which is still pretty vertical when you don’t have any seat belts.The dragon shot into the air in a single bound and the ground fell away rapidly. A cold wind blasted through the middle of the plates along its back, making my eyes stream and my nose run. Then the wings unfolded with a snap and we levelled out.We weren’t super high, but you’d still end up splattered if you jumped.The dragon mainly glided, occasionally swinging its wings forward then back, like it was swimming through the air. We didn’t go up or down, we just stayed at the same height. What was keeping the gigantic beast aloft, I had no idea.“I’m thinking some kind of lighter than air gas in the dragon’s stomach,” called out Maurice. No one had asked him his theory on the flying affront to physics, but
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110. Dragon Ball F

Flossie had her legs wrapped around the dragon’s neck so tight I was surprised she wasn’t choking it.“Where are we going?” Jenny shouted above the roar of the wind. We were really booking it, each flap of the dragon’s wing creating a blur around us.“We’re going to die,” I replied.“Do you have a plan?”“No.”Jenny squeezed my arm with both of hers. “You’ll think of something.”I have no idea why people think encouragement and positivity is a form of contribution. You aren’t helping. Here’s an example of real help:“Bad guys are trying to kill us, do something.”“Like what?”“Here, take this laser gun. It has two settings, ‘stun’ and ‘kill-every-fucker’.“Oh, thank you very much.”See? Much more useful than shouting, “You can do it!” when clearly you can’t.I looked up at Hitokag who was still standing on the dragon’s back with us and hadn’t stopped staring at Flossie.“Aren’t you going to stop
last updateLast Updated : 2021-09-13
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