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109. Blast Off
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2021-09-13 17:13:31Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 110. Dragon Ball F
Flossie had her legs wrapped around the dragon’s neck so tight I was surprised she wasn’t choking it.“Where are we going?” Jenny shouted above the roar of the wind. We were really booking it, each flap of the dragon’s wing creating a blur around us.“We’re going to die,” I replied.“Do you have a plan?”“No.”Jenny squeezed my arm with both of hers. “You’ll think of something.”I have no idea why people think encouragement and positivity is a form of contribution. You aren’t helping. Here’s an example of real help:“Bad guys are trying to kill us, do something.”“Like what?”“Here, take this laser gun. It has two settings, ‘stun’ and ‘kill-every-fucker’.“Oh, thank you very much.”See? Much more useful than shouting, “You can do it!” when clearly you can’t.I looked up at Hitokag who was still standing on the dragon’s back with us and hadn’t stopped staring at Flossie.“Aren’t you going to stop
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 111. The King Is Dead, Long Live the King
The three giant worms had come through the mountain walls at around twenty feet up. They swayed their heads like Stevie Wonder in the middle of a harmonica solo but didn’t leap into the Temple where, most likely, they could have caused proper havoc.“Why didn’t they come up through the ground?” I asked Hitokag.“The soil the Temple is built on is poison to them. They cannot pass through it without suffering great pain.”“Then why didn’t you take the soil and use it to fight them in the first place?” Seemed an obvious solution.Hitokag ran his thin tongue over his teeth like he was considering if it was even worth answering such a dumb question. “Then the Temple wouldn’t work,” he said with great restraint.“And that’s more important than giant worms devastating the entire country?”“Yes.”Well, you couldn’t fault his commitment to the cause. Whatever that was.The three jabberwocky didn’t seem to have a plan beyond flapping about
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 112. King Worm
There must have been twenty wasps, at least. Only half a dozen had riders on their backs, but all had bits of wood held by their six legs. I don’t know what they needed the wood for — something to do with whatever they had planned to do in the Temple, I suppose — but they dropped everything when they saw us.“Oh ho,” said the lead Intui. Now that I was close enough to see clearly, I could tell this one was Meeth, the one we had encountered earlier. See, I’m not racist, I just have poor eyesight. “Come to rescue your friend, have you?”The wasps spread out before us ready to attack, but Meeth’s smug leer turned into shock, then rage, when he saw Dudley standing with us, rather than tied to the sacrificial altar.“How did...” His eyes went beyond us, probably concerned about what had happened in his absence. And rightly so.It was oddly quiet. I’d have expected all the falling rocks and screaming lizardmen to have made a lot more noise but for some reason the
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 113. Castle in the Air
“That was a really stupid thing to do,” Jenny mumbled into my chest. “Stupid idiot.”I pulled her in a bit tighter. Partly because it was cold up in the night sky, and partly to make sure she didn’t fall off the dragon. But mostly because I could and I liked it.“Do I look older?” I asked with my chin resting on the top of her head.“It’s hard to tell under that mop. I’m going to give you a haircut.” She said it very aggressively, daring me to object. I wasn’t going to argue, especially when I agreed with her.“Thanks. I could use a shave, too. Shame I lost all my shaving gear.”She reached up a hand and stroked the hair hanging off my chin in what could only be described as a miserable attempt at a beard. She tugged it, making me yelp.“Idiot.”“It’ll be worth it if Vikchutni actually remembers I saved his life. Could come in useful in the future.”Jenny lifted her head. “Who’s Vick Chutney?”“The dragon. That’s his name.”
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 114. Sympathy for the Archfiend
Cheng looked like a member of a boyband. The one who gets all the attentions from the girls.He was tall with an athletic build. The most striking thing about him was his face. He was pretty. Not like a girl — his jaw was square and his features were pronounced — just in a very symmetrical way. Everything balanced really well.He had no hair on his head or on his face, not even eyebrows. And then there were his crimson eyes.They didn’t glow but they were strikingly red.We’ve been over this a number of times so I won’t repeat myself. I’m still not.There was much commotion as Cheng entered as everyone gathered around him, offering greetings and salutations. He was popular, I’ll give him that.“I know you said he wasn’t a Visitor,” I said to Hitokag from the side of my mouth, “but you could have mentioned he’s human.”“He isn’t,” replied Hitokag.Cheng parted the crowds with a wave of his hands and walked towards me. If he wasn’t
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 115. My Dinner with Angry
Hitokag glided downwards in an arc with me hanging naked below him. By the time he had banked all the way around to face the castle again, we were level with what I hoped was my room. Entering a stranger’s room dressed like this could only end badly.As the window rushed towards me, Hitokag let go and I shot through the gap at a speed I was not comfortable with. Since Hitokag didn’t follow me in, and there was no splat! of him hitting the stonework, I assumed he had flown off to ruin someone else’s night.I landed on the ground running and barely managed to stay on my feet, the cloak billowing out behind me.Jenny sat up in the bed not quite believing the sight in front of her.“Bloody hell,” she said. “Sleep with a guy a couple of times and he thinks he’s a superhero.”I undid the clasp that held the cloak around my neck and crawled back under the furs and threw myself on top of her. I sucked the warmth from Jenny’s body and it quickly spread through
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 116. Way of the Beast
Cheng didn’t seem all that convinced by Jenny’s sudden surge of enthusiasm for finding him a bride. In fact, he seemed a little suspicious of her motives. Can’t say I blamed him.“Yes, well, I suppose there is room for interpretation. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a Visitor or a virgin, technically, but I would still prefer it that way.”Jenny was still standing, leaning over the table. “As longs as it’s the right person, the details of who she is or where she comes from shouldn’t matter, should it? If she’s the right girl, she’s the right girl.”I grabbed the back of Jenny’s shirt and pulled her back into her seat.“Ignore her,” I told Cheng. “You know what girls are like whenever you mention a wedding. It’s like catnip to them. Drives them nutty.”All three girls turned to glare at me (Noreen was already glaring at me, so she didn’t count).“I still have a bunch of questions I want to ask, so let’s leave your nuptials to one side for a mo
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 117. Face to Face
When I woke, I was no longer on top of Jenny. She was on top of me and had both my wrists held tightly in her hands. I guess she planned to keep an eye on me, too.We got dressed and gathered the others. Noreen appeared and took us to a room on a lower floor where we had breakfast. I had some fruit and cheese, while the others stuffed their faces.We went outside, past the fighting children, and headed towards the dragons which were eating grass and occasionally dropping steaming dragon turds. Flossie started to get jumpy as we got closer.A number of Mezzik lizardmen wandered in between the dragons, and standing in the middle of the herd was a young boy.“Is... Is that him?” said Claire, shocked even though I had given them a full description of what he would look like.“Good morning,” said Cheng, the deep voice still incongruous with his appearance.To suggest the girls revised their opinion of the demon with the mother-eating father because
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
